My DH is always saying he is frustrated that I come online for support. When I try to explain that he just does not "get it" he says that I don't give him the opportunity.
I tried to start a conversation with him today after a REALLY hard weekend. It started by me bringing up that October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I asked him if he knew. He responded that he did not. Then, after the look he had on his face, I asked if he even cared. His reponse to this was once again that he did not.
Yeah. Wrong answer.
He then said that he wasn't even listening to what I was saying and was just responding, "no" to everything I was saying.
Each time I actually try to reach out and talk to him about this he does/says something like this that makes me never want to try again.
Great way to end such a *perfect* weekend. Sorry for the vent. Thanks for listening.
Please convince me that it's worth it to keep trying to talk to him about the loss because I've pretty much stopped thinking about it as "our loss" and feel like it really was just "my loss" these days.
Re: Not the reaction I was looking for DH...
The problem is that he keeps asking why I don't talk to him about it.
I'm glad that there are people (like you on this board) who already "get it" without needing to explain things.
Married since 2008 with 1 precious furbaby.
Mis-dx with PCOS & Hypothyroidism. New Dx= Hypoandrenia & hormone imbalance
BFP #1 on 3rd round of Clomid (50mg).
Thanks for your insight and thanks for the heads up on the book!
Married since 2008 with 1 precious furbaby.
Mis-dx with PCOS & Hypothyroidism. New Dx= Hypoandrenia & hormone imbalance
BFP #1 on 3rd round of Clomid (50mg).
Sounds like me!
Married since 2008 with 1 precious furbaby.
Mis-dx with PCOS & Hypothyroidism. New Dx= Hypoandrenia & hormone imbalance
BFP #1 on 3rd round of Clomid (50mg).
My DH doesn't "get" this online community either. And like your H, my H doesn't really like to talk about our loss. He just tells me to "get over it". I think men just deal with things differently and don't understand when we need a higher level of support and more time to deal with our grief. What I find frustrating, and my H does this too, is he tells you to talk to him about your loss instead of talking to us online - but then when you open up and try to talk to him about it, he shuts down. Honestly, I think men just don't know how to support us emotionally at times and are looking for a way to *fix* things, and when they can't fix it.... they push it away and avoid dealing with it.
I'm really sorry and I think some of the PPs gave you some good advice. We are here for you though!
M/C 7/8/12
Perfect baby boy born 7/8/13
BFP 8/20/14 EDD 4/27/15 It's a GIRL!!
I think that guys sometimes feel like they have to solve the problem when we talk to them, so maybe your H is having problems communicating with you about this because he feels like he has to solve the problem so that you no longer feel sad, but obviously he can't solve the problem because it's an unsolvable problem!
I explained this to DH because he would respond in similar ways to your DH and I told DH that what would really help me is if instead of thinking he needed to make me feel better (because he can't make me feel better, and I'm not looking for that) it would be more helpful for him to just say, "Hey, yeah, I'm sad about it too." After telling him this like 10 times, I think he finally gets it.
((hugs))
I was lurking, and saw your post- I can totally relate. I'm sorry for your loss.
We've also had major communication issues come out of our loss, and we'll go for weeks when everything's fine and then BOOM. Like other posters said, he wants to try to "fix", so when I'm telling him how I feel and he can't fix my feelings it makes him feel totally helpless and frustrated, and then he shuts down. During one fight I flipped out and told him he can't fix it, and I don't need him to fix it I just need to unload my feelings so that I can get through grieving.... after that he stopped trying to fix things, and he's been more patient with my moods/me trying to find support from other people who have gone through it.
It's SUCH a touchy subject with us, and just the fact that we view it so differently is hard for me. We are both making a better effort to really listen to the other person, which I think has been helpful. I really don't have much advice, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone! Good luck, and I hope this week is better than this weekend for you.
Thank you to all of you who responded. It's good to know I'm not the only one dealing with this right now. I not happy that we are dealing with it but it is a bit comforting to know that we're not the only couple out there struggling with these communication problems regarding a loss.
My DH grew up with a single mom and often relates to me in the way that another woman might because his only influence on how to communicate growing up was a woman. Because of that, he often says things that you would hear a female saying regarding wanting to talk more, etc. I think this is why I am always caught off guard when he switches into any type of stereotypical "manly" way of reacting to things. When things like this happen I always have to remind myself that his natural way of reacting to something like this might be different than how he was taught to act growing up.
Married since 2008 with 1 precious furbaby.
Mis-dx with PCOS & Hypothyroidism. New Dx= Hypoandrenia & hormone imbalance
BFP #1 on 3rd round of Clomid (50mg).