SIL acts like I am crazy and it makes me want to throat punch her

bumpuser2669861

I know that most people don't get the whole PgAL thing but I feel like people who are close to me should get it a little! My SIL has two kids. She knows about my losses and has opted to act like it never happened. I completely understand that there are people who just can't deal with things like this. And for the most part, it doesn't bother me. However, everytime she is around and she hears me say how I can't eat this or that, she will chime in about how silly that is and how she practically lived on hot dogs when she was pregnant with her son. She also smoked and drank regular coffee all day long. It makes me want to scream that she can't just recognize that maybe I am a tad more cautious bc of my losses. Ok so maybe the fact that she doles out pregnancy advice to me all the time but has never acknowledged my losses does bother me. Am I overreacting or is she kind of an asshat?

sunshine3981

Nope, she sounds like an insensitive jerk.  I think it puts it into perspective that she proudly smoked through her pregnancy. She is not self-aware enough to realize the effects of her smoking on her own baby, there is no way she is going to understand something as abstract as someone's feelings after a loss.  Doesn't sound like she is capable of empathy, hope the time will come that you can dismiss what she says for what it is, meaningless chatter from someone with no insight. 

DarlingNIkki1028

You're not overreacting.  That's pretty nasty of her to talk to you like that, I'm sorry you're dealing with it.  I can relate to the people close to you not acknowledging loss though.  I probably had a chemical pregnancy, but it took two weeks to actually have it confirmed, so for two weeks, I lived thinking I was pregnant and totally on edge, not knowing for sure one way or the other.  It was still a BIG loss to me, that took a huge emotional toll on me, and DH.  A little over a month ago, I was having lunch with my mom and explained how hard it is to get excited when I'm so terrified I'll lose it again, and she flat out told me she wished I didn't call it a miscarriage, and it's not like I really lost anything.  I know she was trying to say it nicely, and I acted like it didn't bother me, but it hurts a lot that she couldn't recognize the pain it put me through.  And now, whenever I express my concerns or worries about this pregnancy, the previous loss is almost taboo to mention for me, and she always dismisses my worries and just says everything will be fine.

Anyway, sorry for my little tangent, just wanted to say, I can totally relate! I'm sorry your SIL is putting you through this, sounds extremely frustrating!

zombiemommy

lol. kinda an asshat. aside from the whole pgal element, it's still rude of her to extrapolate what "worked" for her as what will work for everyone. It's like people who had a grandparent who lived to be 100 and smoked every day, and they use that as some sort of universal evidence that you shouldn't worry about lung cancer. Maybe she just got lucky, or maybe her kids would've been total Einsteins had she not engaged in all of her risky behavior. Regardless, it's not her place to dictate your pregnancy.

tetiananina

I'm right there with you. I mean I'm definitely glad that people who are "careless" through out pregnancy don't understand what it's like to have a loss. But with that being said No, I don't need your opinion on what you have of haven't done. Because I don't have the mind frame you do during your pregnancy. I'm 29 weeks and just today had a freak out moment. But one thing I'm glad is that I truly appreciate each day I'm pregnant and I love being pregnant. So if I do things to the extreme the good thing is its my body, I'm the one feeling the affects so they can shut it! :

Needless to say I agree with you

weddedwife

Yep! Asshat!

kelly321

sunshine3981:

Nope, she sounds like an insensitive jerk.  I think it puts it into perspective that she proudly smoked through her pregnancy. She is not self-aware enough to realize the effects of her smoking on her own baby, there is no way she is going to understand something as abstract as someone's feelings after a loss.  Doesn't sound like she is capable of empathy, hope the time will come that you can dismiss what she says for what it is, meaningless chatter from someone with no insight. 

This. It's one thing for people to roll their eyes about avoiding deli meat, but actually priding herself on the fact that she smoked and her kids are fine?? What an idiot. If I were you, I would just try to tune her out or say something like, "Well, my doctor told me to avoid x, and I'm choosing to follow his advice." I don't think you'll convince her of anything, but that should at least signal to the other people in the conversation that you're not just being paranoid, you're following medical advice.

Mrs.DeliaMarieP

Nope, she is an idiot.  I mean, to say "oh, I lived on hot dogs" is actually fine, and it's something I hear all the time, and I know I've said such things. But to say that your choice not to do those things is silly, and that her kid is fine, is where I draw the line, and that is regardless of loss history. Not to mention, it makes a big difference coming from someone who smoked while pregnant than it would be from someone who didn't. 

folding

Sounds like an insensitive person to me.  My SIL has had similar behavior towards me and I have had a lot of trouble wrapping my head around it.  My MIL reminds me that my SIL is "not affectionate" but I don't buy it.  You don't have to be affectionate to be sensitive and caring towards family.  My SIL was so worried about me being pg at her wedding that I think she was secretly thrilled when I had my loss so she wouldn't have to deal with me being pg at her wedding anymore.   I had a nervous breakdown when my bridesmaids dress arrived bc I had ordered it in a different size, anticipating that I'd be almost 6 months pregnant at the time.  Going to get it altered down to my regular size caused me so much anxiety and stress and I had a very hard time getting through it.  She caught wind of it and told other friends/family members that I had "some nerve complaining" and thought I was just complaining about how I had to spend extra money to have it altered down.  And that I should be happy to be thin.

tdmd09

I don't think you're being oversensitive at all. My SIL is the same way. Before we started TTC I told her we were waiting to start trying until my contract ran out at work because if I had to go on bedrest or something I wanted to make sure I wouldn't be penalized at work for not being full-time. She told me "Oh you're young and healthy, nothing like that will happen." Then I had two miscarriages. She would hammer us (mostly DH) with questions via text message about why we miscarried, why we had so much testing done, what was wrong with me.

Even with this baby she asks why we have so many ultrasounds and why we are so nervous. She, of course, had one textbook pregnancy resulting in one healthy child, so she has absolutely no understanding of why anything could possibly go wrong. 

HoolahZinger

I would imagine she hasn't had a loss since she's so insensitive. How can she wave around that she smoked during pregnancy?! Well cheers to her that she can walking around purposely risking another's life to rub it in faces of others. She needs a throat punch AND a tubal ligation, if you ask me. I don't have much patience for idiots. Since unintelligent people don't notice subtle details, you should just come out and say plainly that you do not need any suggestions from her but will follow the professional advice of your doctor (and then insert throatpunch here). Sorry you have to deal with a douchcanoe like that!