XP: Appeasing MIL? (Long, w/CN)

mejane123

CN: MIL bought DJ Tanner-esque crib set after we told her not to (denim, polka dots, stripes, primary colors).  Although we're grateful, we won't use most of it (it's hideous, skirt won't fit the crib, big puffy bumper, etc.).  But, she wants to see it all set up in a pic.  Do we set it up, take a pic, and take it all off?  Then, how do we explain to her why we're not using any of it when she comes for a visit?  Set was hella expensive, so I feel really bad if we don't use it.  She's got a terrible habit of buying us stuff that we'd never use, so this isn't a new problem for us, it's just easier to hide ugly candlesticks than an entire crib set.  Thanks!

 

 

MIL has been very generous with the gifts so far with this pregnancy, due to it being her first grandchild.  She's gotten us our crib, cradle, changing table/dresser, cradle and crib bedding, as well as a bunch of smaller things (including maternity clothes for me, which I thought was odd, but whatever).  

The only problem is...she bought all of this stuff when I was 9 weeks pregnant.  We hadn't even had a chance to think about nursery design and colors at that point, seeing as we weren't even out of the first tri and had only known about being preggers for about 3 weeks.  She asked us what kind of fabric we wanted for bedding, and we specifically told her not to worry about buying anything yet because we needed time to look around and decide what we wanted to go with (not to mention we were still in that "danger zone" of pregnancy).  Does she listen?  No.  She went ahead and ordered the most hideous crib set I've ever seen.  I'm talking denim, stripes, polka dots, and primary colors.  It looks like a Full House disaster.  And the bumper is so puffy it looks like a bunch of throw pillows stitched together.

Now that we've finally gotten the furniture put together in the nursery, she wants us to take a picture with everything set up (meaning the bedding and stuff) and send it to her.  

My question is this.  The only thing in the bedding set we're planning on using is the sheet.  We aren't planning on using a bumper or blanket (I think it's a blanket.  It looks more like a pad, but I don't think it's waterproof so I don't know), and the crib skirt that came with it won't fit on the crib because of the way the crib is designed.  So, do we just set everything up, minus the skirt, take a picture, and then take it all off?  And if we do that, what do we say to her when she comes over and we aren't using all the stuff she gave us?

And to make matters worse, we just opened up the bag with all the bedding in it and it had a $700 price tag on it (I guess she forgot to take it off).  I'm praying that that was including the cost of the crib and changing table, because, aside from that being outrageous, IMO, if she seriously spent that much money on bedding, I'm gonna feel REALLY bad not using it.  

This is a stupid problem, I know, but a recurring one with her because she continually buys us stuff that we'll just never use.  I seriously think she raids the clearance section at Pier 1 before she comes for a visit.   

ETA: Set is not returnable because apparently, it's custom-made. 

ETA again: DH and I just looked over everything.  It's dry-clean only.  FML. 

dlbello23

I have a similar situation with my grandmother. She keeps buying me things I dont want or are death traps for the baby. She bought a high chair that is older than me from a consignment shop, I am just going to take it and get rid of it because I am not putting my baby in it. I told her thanks but please stop buying me things because I am having two showers coming up and I am going to wind up with extra stuff. So that excuse kind of helped. It is definitly hard to not hurt and feelings when telling them you dont like something, but luckily I had an excuse. My advice, come up with some reason why you dont want it lol...its rough but good luck!

ShellShockedMama

I need to see a PIP. 

For the rest of it, snap a quick pic. When she whines as to why youre not using it, tell her that bumpers and blankets increase the risk of SIDS (which is true) so you really can't use those at the moment (or ever, but she doesn't need to know that. And by the time SIDS decreases your LO will have a favorite something of which they'll want for bedding, elmo/cars/nemo, etc) and the skirt doesn't fit,which isn't your fault.

and don't feel bad that she spent money on something you specifically asked her to wait on. Be as polite and gracious as possible, but you don't have to use something you find butt ass ugly.  

 

ShellShockedMama

Dry clean only?? FOR BABIES?! Oh no. I'd never ever use that. Ever. 

mejane123

ShellShockedMama:

Dry clean only?? FOR BABIES?! Oh no. I'd never ever use that. Ever. 

Yeah, DH and I both facepalmed big time when we saw that.  We'd be dry-cleaning every other day!!  Now I'm on my registry making sure the set I registered for isn't the same.

magnoliablossom00

Honestly, and I do not mean for this to sound snarky in ANY way, but you sound really ungrateful to me. Who cares if it's "ugly?" Set it all up, take the dang picture, send it to MIL (it will make her week), and be done with it. When she comes to visit and asks about it, say "it's at the dry cleaners bc LO spit up on it. this is our other set." Or, switch it out when she comes for a few days. I don't really see the conflict. And on a side note, I would definitely keep all the pieces. I never planned on using a bumper, but once LO learned how to stand, it came in SUPER handy. If we wouldn't have had one on there, she could have cracked her head on the bed after losing her balance!

I'd be psyched if my ILs were that generous! Man! Jealous! I know it seems like a big deal right now b/c this is your first LO, but I promise, this isn't something I'd make a point of getting your way on. Play dress up for her, and take it down after she leaves.

SingleMom31

My mom brought me the early 80s fabulous blanket that was in my crib... 31 yrs ago. It's all primary colors with scary animals. She keeps bringing it up too, insisting that it's cuter than what I picked out, etc. Aside from it REALLY not being my taste, I feel like she got to pick out stuff for her 4 kids, and it's our turn to pick out what WE want for OUR child.

We settled on keeping it around for when she does tummy time. That way it can make an appearance without being stuck looking at it all the time.

Amaryllis619

personally i'd set it up, take a quck pic or two and send them to her. it'll make her happy and it doesn't take long for you.

if she whines about why it's not being used when she visits? I agree about giving her a line about it being at the dry cleaners or something.

After the picture if you don't have room to store it, I'd just give it away. Somebody will be grateful to have it, even if it is ugly and not your style.

I wouldn't feel too badly about the $$ she spent either  since you specifically asked her to wait, and it's non refundable.... AND dry clean only for babies??? even if it was the most beautiful thing ever, i'd get rid of it just because of that alone.

 

ShellShockedMama

And fwiw OP I don't think you're coming off as ungrateful. You're not asking for advice as to how to tell MIL that the stuff is ugly and you'd rather set it on fire than use it. You're asking how not to hurt her feelings bc she is very generous and you don't want to hurt her or offend her.

Tastes are different and unique and sometimes not shared between generations or family members. No harm in not liking something she picked out, a white lie to preserve her feelings isn't a bad thing.  

I remember my grandma picking out really ugly sweatshirts for me and my sister as kids, my mom would always have us be thankful, polite and gracious BUT wouldn't make us wear it unless grandma was visiting

 

 

mejane123

SingleMom31:

My mom brought me the early 80s fabulous blanket that was in my crib... 31 yrs ago. It's all primary colors with scary animals. She keeps bringing it up too, insisting that it's cuter than what I picked out, etc. Aside from it REALLY not being my taste, I feel like she got to pick out stuff for her 4 kids, and it's our turn to pick out what WE want for OUR child. We settled on keeping it around for when she does tummy time. That way it can make an appearance without being stuck looking at it all the time.

Honestly, I think my biggest problem is something similar to this.  We wanted to be able to pick out the stuff for the nursery, and she's kind of taken a lot of that away.  We told her when she offered to buy the stuff to hold off because we weren't ready for it yet and that DH and I would be making decisions regarding the nursery come summer.  But she went ahead and ordered it, anyway, so now it's kind of forced on us.  She did the same thing with the cradle bedding.  It's got a bumper, which we aren't using, and it's dry clean only.  

Don't get me wrong, we're both incredibly grateful, and I definitely didn't mean to come off as bratty or ungrateful in my post.  I think I'm just annoyed that she went ahead and bought stuff after we told her to please wait.  It's super generous of her and FIL to do this for us, and had we asked for it, there'd be no complaints.  I just feel like it's a lot of money wasted that could've been easily avoided.

I like the idea of using the blanket for tummy time, or maybe for the stroller, but again, it's dry clean only, and I feel like something we'd use for that purpose would need cleaning pretty often.     

Amaryllis619

ShellShockedMama:

And fwiw OP I don't think you're coming off as ungrateful. You're not asking for advice as to how to tell MIL that the stuff is ugly and you'd rather set it on fire than use it. You're asking how not to hurt her feelings bc she is very generous and you don't want to hurt her or offend her.

Tastes are different and unique and sometimes not shared between generations or family members. No harm in not liking something she picked out, a white lie to preserve her feelings isn't a bad thing.  

I remember my grandma picking out really ugly sweatshirts for me and my sister as kids, my mom would always have us be thankful, polite and gracious BUT wouldn't make us wear it unless grandma was visiting

 

 

hellopoppyseed

For stuff like that, I'd totally put it in the washer and see what happens. I'd also get my own bedding set and maybe put some of hers on when she came to visit. It is obnoxious what she's doingnot respecting boundaries. I'd try and use the stuff but not overtry. Just keep on doing your thing. See what you can/want to use of her stuff then don't sweat the rest.

orinjuse

I really want to see a pic of this!!! Please?

Agree with PP on just setting it up for a pic. How about saying you didn't know it was dry clean only, and that it was all "accidentally" ruined in the washer? Oops. It sucks that people try to always push their own styles on others, especially with something so personal like nursery decor.

DH told me that MIL criticized the cute Carter's stuff I bought, because she hadn't heard of the brand, and it wasn't a designer brand :O I'm scared to see what kind of baby clothes she comes up with...

graciesmurf

I'm combining a few different PP ideas:

Put it all together and take a picture of it.  Then take it off to "clean before LO gets here".  Put it in the washer and dryer because you "didn't realise it was dry clean only".  Since you'll feel bad for ruining such a generous gift buy your own bed set without mentioning it to her.  When she comes over, if she asks what happens you have a believable story.

Rosebean

As PP suggested, I would sabotage the bedding too.... But be careful. Some "dry clean only" articles actually do very well in the washer and dryer. But definitely take the pic to send your MIL then use it the way you want to use it. Pack away the bumpers and if she comes over and asks why you aren't using them, answer with SIDS. However, there does come a point where your DH may need to step in and insist she stops. If she keeps buying you "matching accessories" to go with the bedding, your full house nursery will start looking more like a fun house. 

mejane123

Rosebean:

As PP suggested, I would sabotage the bedding too.... But be careful. Some "dry clean only" articles actually do very well in the washer and dryer. But definitely take the pic to send your MIL then use it the way you want to use it. Pack away the bumpers and if she comes over and asks why you aren't using them, answer with SIDS. However, there does come a point where your DH may need to step in and insist she stops. If she keeps buying you "matching accessories" to go with the bedding, your full house nursery will start looking more like a fun house.nbsp;

I'm at work now, I'll try and remember when I get home.

Thanks for all the input, ladies. I'm thinking just setting it up with everything else in the room, so she can see what the decorations look like, and taking a pic will be enough. That way, too, she can see what the decorations are like and what we have and hopefully NOT buy us any matching accessories. But if she does, honestly, DH will just have to ask her to return them.

Thanks again!

egingras

Who the fluck even MAKES dry clean only bedding?  And who would buy it?   That is absolutely absurd.  I agree with the above.  Take a picture, send it and be done with it.  She isn't respecting your boundaries.  MIL bought us a comforter set two years in a row that was dry clean only.  And whoops- I washed the first one and use the second for our guest room.  I think she got the hint.

BIL bought DD a gorgeous linen and silk dress from Neiman Marcus.  It is pale pale lavendar and white.  And dry clean only.  And $225.  For a toddler.  We put it on her and took a picture and she hasn't worn it since.

Dry clean and babies/ toddlers do not mix.

LittleFish1

Custom made yet it doesn't fit and is fugly. Who ever made it must be color blind and or stuck in the 80's. The blanket can be used on the ground as a play matt of sorts when your LO is prerolling around stage. The bumper can go on the fireplace hearth to prevent head klunks but other wise will be fairly useless since most are considered unsafe ..... yet people keep selling them for some reason. GL!

Notwifezilla7

Maybe I'm a heartless B, but I don't get it? You asked repeatedly NOT to purchase xyz and she did. 
Last time I checked, this was not her PG, not her nursery to design, and not something you asked for.
This is a scenario that would not have gone any further than opening the bedding w/DH & I. DH would have thanked his mom, and told her to use it at her place for those instances LO comes to visit, since we had already chosen a set of our own. I don't understand why you have to walk on eggshells with her? Whether she spent $700 or $7, it's not what you wanted/asked for.

I don't categorize that as being ungrateful. I categorize it as setting up boundaries- what's appropriate and what's not. Who's to say this isn't going to turn into something bigger once the LO is here. Halloween costumes? Christmas outfits? Birthday party celebrations/locations? KWIM? Yes it's her grandchild, BUT she already had the chance to choose things she preferred with her son (and any other children). Now it's your turn. 

o_so_in_love

I'd set it up and take a picture with baby in the crib, then sadly let her know the skirt doesn't fit and bumper pads are a safety hazard. As far as the blanket/pad you could hang it on the wall as a decoration or use it as a play mat on the floor when baby is big enough not to suffocate on it :-)