What would you do in this situation?

seemz

I have mainly been a lurker for a while now but something has been bothering me for a few days so decided to ask what would you do in the same situation?

My DS is 3 years old and an active, intelligent boy who is my pride and joy. He has an amazing vocabulary, can count till 30 and can also write a few letters. He also happens to be a peanut He has always been on the smaller side....i used to be very worried about it before but now i have come to terms with it..  he eats wellbut he is very active and constantly moving so he burns off whatever he eats. I am a stay at home mom so he stayed home with me all this time and now he just started preschool about 3 weeks ago and he loves it.

We have a family friend who we are very good friends with and meet them almost every weekend. They also have a 3.5 year old daughter who goes to goddard school. She has been in a daycare setting for almost 2 years....she is a smart girl who knows how to write her ABCs and does 24 piece puzzles on her own. My issue is with the fact that her mother is constantly comparing my son with her daughter with anything from how thin my son looks (my son is about 28 lbs and her daughter must be 29 lbs so its not like she is that much bigger than him) to how much she learns at school. Yesterday, she commented on his weight for the umpteenth time - said that he looks especially small and thin in shorts that he was wearing. And then she asked my DS if he likes his new school to which he replied "yes, I love it". Then she asked him what he did at school and he said 'play' to which she said...you just play at school? don;t u study there??  This is a preschool for 3-5 years old...i didn;t know 3 years old kids were supposed to be 'studying' . She is constantly trying to show us what new things her daughter is doing and how great her school is. The girl is smart but extremely spoiled...if she says something funny, the parents are not supposed to laugh at her joke because she doesn't like it. She is a bully and pushes other kids around. Another family friend who is also friends with this family has discussed with me about this girl bullying their daughter.

I have tried not to let it affect me but i am realizing now that this is botherin me more and more. We have been friends with them for almost 8 years so i don't want it to affect our friendship but i want to make it clear to her somehow that i don't like this constant comparison without it creating some tension between us.

would appreciate some imput from anybody else who has been in the same position about how i should approach this matter. Thanks!

diana.filipi

I guess I'll start by saying that IMO kids can change an awful lot of things, including friendships.  I don't think saying something to her will actually change how she parents (and it is kinda about how she parents in a way).  She likes to compare with your kid because she likes to be the winner and show off and so apparently is confident that her kid 'wins'.  No matter what you say I don't think you will end up changing that in any kind of feel good way.  Try by all means, just don't be surprised if it doesn't work.

 ETA:  That would bother me a lot.  A whole lot.

lynsef

If she is truly a friend she would be able to receive constructive criticism from you at least about how she talks to you about her child, compares your child to hers and how she talks to your child.  As PP said it probably won't change anything about how she parents, but if she values your friendship she should be able to respect your feelings.  If she doesn't then maybe she's not as good of a friend as you had hoped.  I hope it gets better, that would bother me as well.

honeybee111

I think it's already affecting your friendship.  I've come to realize that just because people totally get along with you pre-kids, does not mean they will have the same parenting styles you do.  And unless both of you can respect each other's differences(which it doesn't sound like she's doing), then it will affect your friendship.

I'm encountering some of the same thing, but it's with my brother and sister-in-law.  My nephew is 8 months younger than DD, and my cousins and I are close, so I imagined DD and my nephew having a good relationship.  However, it's clear that my brother and SIL have different parenting styles than we do.  For example, we all went to the beach together and my nephew was allowed to throw sand at people, and repeatedly took DD's bucket and said "No share!" without any sort of redirection from my brother/SIL(they thought he was being cute).  Now, DD is old enough to know that sort of behavior is "not nice", so she's started making comments like "Nephew not nice!" so I have to deal with that, too.  We do live in different cities, so we don't see them super often, but I find myself dreading the times when we do see them.  It makes playdates really difficult and uncomfortable.  And I truly like my brother and SIL as people - pre-kids we've vacationed together, hung out, etc.  But it's definitely different now that we both have kids.

Anyway, my advice to you is if you think she's a really good friend and you can be honest with her, you should tell her that it bothers you.  But, there's always the possibility of offending her, and you may lose her as a friend.  Or, you can start saying neutral, positive stuff like, "Oh, yeah, he's playing at school, and we're so happy he's learning so much about appropriate social interactions with other peers."   Good luck!

jinnymb

I would back off of the friendship for a while.  It seems like she and her child are causing you nothing but stress.  I have never ever seen or heard another mom question another child like that about school.

It sounds like she is making you really defensive and in turn juding her and her child.  This whole situation does not seem healthy and I would take some time off under the guise of being busy or whatever.  If you have been friends for a long time, maybe some space will ease some of the tension.

Maybe revisit in a month or two and see how you interact.  Some people get really competitive about their kids.  You don't really know how people will be until they are here.

The main thing is that you maintain healthy friendships and in turn show your children how to do that.  I feel as we get older and have less time, and we should fill it with people and activities that enrich our lives and are positive influences.

smerka

I've found that when people compare kids, they are usually worried about their own parenting skills.  If my kids can do x, y, and z better than your kids, then obviously I'm the better parent.  The problem is parents have very little to do with how fast a kid develops (aside from the basics like feeding them well and making sure they get enough sleep)

 If your pediatrician isn't worried about your kid's weight, then you shouldn't be either.  What are you going to do?  Force food down his throat and hold him down so he doesn't burn off calories?  You're setting him up for good eating habits by not over feeding him.  

At this age kids learn by playing, not studying.  I think your friend is compensating for something.  As hard as it is, I would try to ignore her comments.  And actually I'd feel pretty sorry for her.   

Angela814

I agree that having kids can really change friendships. There is such a range of normal for young kids that comparing doesn't really mean much. For some I think it's just a topic of conversation, but from what you're saying, it sounds like it's a lot more to your friend. Kids are supposed to play in preschool. That's how they learn.

If her DD is only 29 lbs at 3.5 years, she's on the tiny side too. That's about the size of my 3.5 yo niece, and she's a peanut. She's super petite, but the women on my side of the family range from 5' to 5'4". She may be getting comments about her DD's weight, which is why she feels the need to make herself feel better by comparing to your DS.

Sometimes with extremely differing parenting styles, it's just easier to put some distance between yourself and friends for a while. My one niece (5yo) is extremely spoiled. Her parents "style" is to threaten her with consequences that they absolutely never follow through with. She can be a bit of a bully because of it, and for the most part, it's not fun to spend time with them. We see them at family functions. DH might see his brother with DD1 and niece, but I generally try to keep my distance.

Anyway, I think that you really have two choices. You can either directly tell her that the constant comparisons are bothering you or you can limit the time you spend together.