Update to my step daughter's behavior.

rous27

To refresh your memory, she is highly manipulative, never listens, argues, and has been caught hurting her brother. She is eight and had the attitude and disrespect of a teen. DH and I struggle everyday with her and have decided she needs professional help.
She is continually behaving awful and seems to get worse everyday. I did contact the school counselor [after playing phone tag for two weeks] and after just one "session" with her, the counselor thinks she is fine and a normal eight year old. The counselor is aware of her behavior at home. I am upset that the lady only cared to talk to her once and maybe even fell for the darling little smile Sophia gave her.
So now I believe that I need to find help outside her school. I'm just unsure of pulling out the phone book and randomly picking someone. I don't have insurance so I'm going to have a heck of a time finding someone.
Ugg. To top it off, my landlord just talked to me about Sophia. She has been vandalizing the property of the condo complex and has climbed about ten feet up on the siding of the building!
I do know she needs help like yesterday. I'm going to try my hardest to get it to her.
Thanks for letting me vent. Hopefully I can get her help very soon.

aliciaroset

It's so disappointing that the people in your life who should be there to help are failing you.  I'm sorry.

Is there a local crisis center you can call? the one in my city refers families to counselors and I think it's mostly free or on a sliding scale.  You might also check with your community medical health center.  If her counselor continues to be helpful, I suggest going above her.  

DoctorWorm222

Packerfan79:

Ok. now dont flame but why isnt your DH talking to the counselors and looking for help for her with you? Or is he? Why is the burden on you? Does she show resentment because of the divorce or because her dad remarried? Where is her mom? Do they have a relationship?  Is she hurting her step brother because she sees him as an extension of you? Im just throwing out possibilities.

I was wondering the same thing...this should be handled by her biological parents if possible. She may lash out at a step parent for trying to get too involved with this. 

blu-eyedwife

let me talk to DH more on this, because I could be off-base, but I would also venture to suggest you could try calling the Juvenile courts/detention center.  I know they have certain counselors they work with and I would think they'd be more than happy to pass along a referral to you in the hopes that it will keep them from seeing your SD later on.  

rous27

Packerfan79:

Ok. now dont flame but why isnt your DH talking to the counselors and looking for help for her with you? Or is he? Why is the burden on you? Does she show resentment because of the divorce or because her dad remarried? Where is her mom? Do they have a relationship? nbsp;Is she hurting her step brother because she sees him as an extension of you? Im just throwing out possibilities.

I adopted her. The mother was a dead beat that abandoned her and DH when Sophia was one. I'm doing the calling because DH doesn't do those types of things. I make all the phone calls, run all the errands, ect. I do think that she is jealous of Desmond, so does the counselor. I've talked to her about it and have spent time with her but it didn't seem to be enough.

cantalopes24

I don't know what your relationship is with her but is it possible she's afraid of you leaving as well and she's trying to give you a reason?

rous27

cantalopes24:

I don't know what your relationship is with her but is it possible she's afraid of you leaving as well and she's trying to give you a reason?

We normally have a good relationship. I met her when she was three. She started calling me mom at four years old. That could be a possibility. It never crossed my mind.

rous27

Packerfan79:

rous27:

Packerfan79:

Ok. now dont flame but why isnt your DH talking to the counselors and looking for help for her with you? Or is he? Why is the burden on you? Does she show resentment because of the divorce or because her dad remarried? Where is her mom? Do they have a relationship? nbsp;Is she hurting her step brother because she sees him as an extension of you? Im just throwing out possibilities.

I adopted her. The mother was a dead beat that abandoned her and DH when Sophia was one. I'm doing the calling because DH doesn't do those types of things. I make all the phone calls, run all the errands, ect. I do think that she is jealous of Desmond, so does the counselor. I've talked to her about it and have spent time with her but it didn't seem to be enough.

Your husband doesnt "do those things"? This is his daughter. He can pick up the phone and call people too. Its called being a parent. You are doing your best, and need his help. Dont enable him to be in the back seat.

Sigh. I know. I tried talking to him tonight but he trusts the opinion of the school counselor. He doesn't think we need to go further with finding her help.I need to talk with him more about it.
I'm feeling very burnt out and at the point of a breakdown.

pearblossom

Wow, rous. I'm really sorry you are going through this. My sister has/had a lot of issues and it was really rough on our family. My mom spent her 401k on a rehabilitation program for her. If you ever want to talk more, please feel free to PM me.

And I am the "handler" of things in my marriage too. If something like this was going down, there is no doubt in my mind I'd be the one making phone calls. I'm a little taken aback that anyone feels this is the appropriate time to harp on your familial dynamic. Because that's what she is, your family.

rous27

Pear Thank you for your kind words and support.
Packer I know your intention was not to harp. I do need help from DH. But I am the "handler" [thank you Pear for the term] and this is an abnormal situation. I think it hadn't occurred to him that I need help since I handle everything else.
Crystal I know your post wasn't to be mean towards MH. You are right in what you said. He thinks I'm being dramatic and sees no reason to think about it any further. It it's very frustrating that he it's doing that. At this point, I don't know what to say to get him to agree in getting her help.
She has always acted out in some way. It just changes as she grows.
ETA: Stupid mobile site! Sorry for the wall of text and lack of dashes.
Edited again to answer Crystal's question.

Liz4444

I obviously don't know your families dynamic, but if you handle everything, is it possible that she is trying to get her father's attention and get him to be more involved in her life?

rous27

Liz4444:

I obviously don't know your families dynamic, but if you handle everything, is it possible that she is trying to get her father's attention and get him to be more involved in her life?

I don't think she is. DH always tucks her in, takes her to school and they play games together. Maybe in her mind it is not enough? I don't know.

missyishere

cantalopes24:

I don't know what your relationship is with her but is it possible she's afraid of you leaving as well and she's trying to give you a reason?

I would say this all the way.  She has been abandoned by the person who carried and birthed her.  DS is also the age she was when she was abandoned, so she may be acting out even more right now to keep your attention.

blu-eyedwife

Okay, DH says to check with the "Juvenile Probation" department and they should have resources to provide you.

rous27

Thanks again ladies. Your support and thoughts really mean a lot.

mars37810

If her behavior has gotten worse since Desmond was born it could be that she is feeling like she is being replaced even though that is not the case and is even worse for her since she was already abandoned by her biological mother.  From what you have described it seems like she is doing things that she knows will get your guys attention.  Even though she is getting plenty of attention from you she is not getting the same amount that she was getting prior to Desmond.  Her prior behavior could also have a lot to do with the fact that her biological mother abandoned her and she be afraid that you guys will abandon her too. 

My family situation isn't exactly the same but my younger sister and I both felt like abandoned and like we were being replaced after our parents got divorced and our mom got remarried.  Within a year my mom moved in with her boyfriend, got pregnant, and got married and not long after that my father decided to choose his drinking (and whatever else he was doing) over his children.  I was 17 so I was able to deal with the situation better and I already had very little interaction with my father but I definitely resented my brothers because I felt my mom was replacing us with them.  My thoughts were that she now had a second chance of having the family she wanted and we were just a reminder of her failed marriage.  I remember saying things to both my mom and my step-father to purposely piss them off and hurt their feelings. 

AngLK987

I would check with your state DHS department, often times there are private case management agencies that can point you in the direction of some kind of help for her.  

As a former behavioral specialist (I still have my credentials as a Behavioral Health Professional) I would peg her as having Reactive Attachment Disorder just by the things you've said, and because her mom walked out on her, it's the classic antecedent/consequence lineup. I would check because since you don't have insurance she should qualify to be covered under some state programs (In my state it's MaineCare) that would cover services for her, to possibly have a worker outside or inside the home to teach her basically how to behave... she might also be eligible for testing and therapy.   

pennysuedog

I'm so sorry Rous.  I think I would try talking to the principal at school and  tell her exactly what is going on at home and that you need the support of the school and you really need continous meetings with a  counselor.  Try to explain the manipulation.  If  the school will not accommodate than perhapsd they would have references or resources you can use.

I believe that kids can put on acts.  I'm sure she was on her best behavior when she met with the counselor.  Don't let the school push you around, stand your ground. 

Hang in there Mama, don't give up!  You are doing a good job!

 

Fianschneid

This is so hard. I'm sorry you're going through this. Keep doing all you can to get her the help that she needs.

Counseling is so great for a little one, even if it just gives them someone non-partisan to talk to about their daily life. You're doing a great job and will find the right person for Sophia.

shediva1

pennysuedog:

I'm so sorry Rous.  I think I would try talking to the principal at school and  tell her exactly what is going on at home and that you need the support of the school and you really need continous meetings with a  counselor.  Try to explain the manipulation.  If  the school will not accommodate than perhapsd they would have references or resources you can use.

I believe that kids can put on acts.  I'm sure she was on her best behavior when she met with the counselor.  Don't let the school push you around, stand your ground. 

Hang in there Mama, don't give up!  You are doing a good job!

 

I agree with Penny, I hope that you find the assistance you need for her.   We're here if you ever need to vent.  You are definitely a great Mother to step up and fight for what is right. Best of luck to your SD and your family.