Do grandparents "own" holidays?
LaurelBee
member
Not necessarily own, but do you think they are entitled to see you and their grandkids on holidays if they live within a 30 min drive??
My ILs act all butt hurt every time we make our own plans for holidays. And that includes seeing my family who live 1.5 hours away. Easter at my parents house was a HUGE deal, even though we stopped by Sat morning for an egg hunt at their church bc they didn't get to see Ds ON Easter. They figure since we live so close, why wouldn't we make time for them, especially since we got so far out of our way for my family.
They keep planning on taking their grand kids trick or treating in their neighborhood. I did this 2 years in a row bc Ds was too young to really care. (And Dh wanted to show off Ds to his old neighbors he grew up with.) I've mentioned that we have our own plans this year, but I really think they're just waiting until it gets closer and then smear on the guilt. I feel like they think they own Halloween now and we have to go along with what they want, you know?
So, do you/ will you make concessions to include family that live close by? Or will you start focusing on making your own holiday traditions?
Re: Do grandparents "own" holidays?
In general I think so. But that is also important to me. I believe that holidays are about family first and foremost (note: we are not religious).
But I dont really think your first Q is what you are REALLY asking... I do think it is important to see family, both sides, around the holidays most important to you. We live 7 hrs from the ILs and this will be the first xmas where we will not go there within a week+/- of the holiday since the first year we were married (when we lived elsewhere and both worked retail). For us, easter is not at all a big deal so we spend it with whomever makes sense that year. I do think that when you live far from family that you cant do everything every holiday. But... 1.5 hrs isnt far to me, either. If easter was importabnt to both sides I would probably try to see both tbh. With our distance that isnt possible.
For halloween, can you compromise that you will TOT yourselves and make a stop at their house plus one or two? Or invite them to your house?
I dont know. I guess I have enough friends who have parents who DONT care about this stuff which i think is much worse and more hurtful.
I think that it is important to try to see people for the important stuff, and ok to draw the line when you need to too. But I also know I lean more 'family' on this stuff than some.
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I think so to an extent. My husband and I were born in the same town, and besides us no one has left. It is like a tug of war at Christmas. Everyone tries to act like they don't care and don't want to be overly aggressive and then they all complain about our plans when we are just trying to appease everyone.
We always joke and say we are going to go away for Holidays so we don't have to share.
I feel like it ruins the holiday spirit though.
It sounds like you go see your parents for every holiday which may be leaving his feeling left out. Can you work up some sort of "schedule" of which set of parents gets which holiday and alternate it each year?
It's sort of a moot point for us. Both my family and DH's are hundreds of miles away (6-7 hours by car) in different directions, so thousands of miles from each other. But I will say that means the families have learned to accept that they may not get a holiday with us at all. We definitely have to do the Thanksgiving with my family, Christmas with his thing (except for this year). Or people need to come see us. Everyone seems to understand.
Since I am not in a similar position, I will say it does sound like your ILs are trying to monopolize you on holidays if they make a big deal out of you doing something with your family or even your own thing. I assume being 30 minutes away means they see you plenty--holiday or not. I think you should start being firm about doing your own Halloween or spending a holiday with your family and I think you're justified in doing it.
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See, for me (I dont mean this as a flame - just pointing out that people feel differently about this stuff) assuming relatively close by family, I really dont get this approach. And I know it is common enough... but for me, christmas is about family - and that includes MY nuclear family I grew up in and DHs as well. I have so many fond christmas memories of celebrating with cousins etc. And remember the years where for whatever reason the rotation worked out that we saw one side on xmas eve and the other on the 26th or something as really boring and anti climactic.
If one of my siblings did this for example? I would be INCREDIBLY hurt. Honestly.
That said, henry is the first grandchild and we put our foot down that we will always be in our house for xmas eve night (we do my sisters bday dinner though) and early morning xmas - so we wont do anything wtih family until after we do our own santa, gifts etc. But after that, it is about family and being together.
JMO.
11/18/16 missed m/c 9w1
08/03/17 no hb 8w
My husband is an only child and I have one brother who doesn't even date much less is he anywhere near having a family. If/when he has kids of his own then we'll see what happens. However, since my parents go to my dad's side starting at noon then there wouldn't be much of a chance to get to see them on Christmas Day without going first thing in the morning. I also remember the days of being carted around everywhere and not getting to play with my new toys for more than just an hour or so. We always got to take one new toy with us and it never failed that whatever we took would get stepped/sat on and broke. Never intentionally, it's just how it happened. I know Christmas isn't all about the toys but it is kinda mean to wave them in a kid's face and then say now put that down we've got to get going. From the conversations I've had with both of our moms, they will be over to visit on Christmas day, it may not be first thing in the morning but they will be there.
I guess I should've pointed out that we spent Easter with them the year before! It was my family's turn last year. And I feel like I went out of the way to bring Ds to their church's egg hunt and then to my ILs house so Mil could give Ds his basket. But that wasn't enough. They wanted us there for brunch on Sunday and couldn't understand why that wasn't got to happen.
Dh and I got sick of the tug of war like PP said so we divided up the big 3 and switch every year. It's not ideal, but that was the only way to make it fair. It's the little non-holidays that are a huge problem now. I'm just wondering if most people are ok sharing the smaller holidays with family, or will they just do their own thing? And does Halloween even count as a holiday for Pete's sake?
No, but DH and I enjoy visiting with my nearby family, so if we are in town we go over to them for major holidays. Not trick or treating, but Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. Christmas is usually spent out of state with the inlaws, so my parents shift our Christmas celebration around our travel schedule.
My parents know that we may decide to take a vacation around one of this holidays on occasion, and they won't be heart broken or upset.
Ill also say this, once we move, we can host holidays, and I think Thanksgiving will start being held at my house, and maybe even our family Christmas celebration. Once my sister marries and has a home, we might start taking turns hosting, so even though we currently go to my parents, it won't stay that way.
Halloween 100% doesnt count as a holiday- that is just silly. Both sides like in the same small town we live in, so we trick or treat at their houses, but if we didnt, it wouldnt be NBD.
That is exactly what we do. We make our decision based on what my family is doing vs. his and what out of town family is in town. Last Thanksgiving DH's brother and family were in town from Seattle so we made sure to be at Thanksgiving with his family. I feel very blessed that our families are very laid back adn understand the struggle of trying to please both sides.
My parents are divorced, so I grew up splitting the holidays, and with DH's family in the mix, we spent several years making everyone happy---3 Thanksgivings in a day, driving to everyone's houses between Christmas/Christmas Eve (and squeezing in our own thing), alternating smaller holidays.
It sucked. Growing up, and especially once we were married.
We both hate it---we aren't that close with our family. I mean, they want to be, in a "because that's how it's supposed to be" sort of way, but we have nothing in common with them, and every group has 1 really unpleasant person who ruins holidays.
Last year we started getting them ready for the idea that we'll be having our own holidays. I don't think it's registered with the in laws yet, but my parents are on the approach of "we'd rather be included then get our exact way", so for Christmas we will see everyone to celebrate before the 24th, then do our own thing.
In 3-5 years, when I've practiced timing giant meals and we live somewhere where I'd feel comfortable entertaining a crowd (MIL has no boundaries in my home---she opens cabinets, drawers, goes through everything, moves things around... I would like to have sitting & dining rooms to coral people in), we might invite our families. But it will be a 1 chance sort of deal---passive aggression, tantrums, etc. will result in an all holidays ban.
I also watched my aunt drag her kids through the visit everyone holiday death march for years---and she finally threw in the towel 2 years ago and they've been a much happier family. The kids are less tired, they get time to enjoy Christmas, and they don't fight over whose family is getting more attention.
Last year i made it clear to my inlaws how im going to be doing my holidays, reguardless of if they like it or not. i dont mean to sound snarky but, DD is my child, not theirs. We trade off who's house we go to for thanks giving. this year we're going to the inlaws house because we did my family last year, and christmas is a whole big mess. bleh
Christmas eve we go up to my inlaws, sleep there, super retarded early morning with inlaws family because my niece "has to" open her gifts as soon as she wakes up. they dont make her wait... that irritates the living *BEEP* out of me to no end. then we drive to my grandparents house, meet up with my parents there and all the rest of the family, have breakfast, do gifts, go to my mom's familys house for her side of the family christmas party (and it's awesome, just doesnt feel like christmas if we dont go) then drive back to the inlaws after and crash out, sepend the next morning with them, drive home.
as for halloween, well it's been dubbed mine and DH's holiday because we love to enjoy it with all the nieces and nephews ^^
Sorry if this turns into a novel
My parents are divorced as well, and both of them are kind of unreasonable about the holidays. I love my parents dearly, but neither of them seem to be able to grasp that we need to split the holidays not only between them, but with DH's family as well. Thankfully, as nuts as my in-laws are, they've always been extremely reasonable about holidays, and completely understand when we aren't able to make it to their gathering. I allowed my parents to dictate my holiday schedule for the first year of my marriage (I'm really mortified to admit that...) and it caused friction between me and H. Although my parents live close together, H was really upset about having to go to multiple places per holiday. Once DD was born, he was adamant about us picking one location for to spend the holiday and remain there. And honestly, I'm so happy we've started doing that. My parents (my father especially) were not thrilled at all, but it's what works best for our family. Dragging a toddler (and soon to include a newborn) to three different houses is just not an option.
I'll say yes and no. Do grandparents own holidays or have some sort of entitlement to see LO that trumps everything else? Absolutely not.
However, I do feel that family is important and I know that everyone loves to see DS and he enjoys seeing family so being that all of our family is local (within about a 30-40min distance) we try to make holidays work as much as possible.
Sadly, MH's family is usually the one that gets the shaft because they tend to do their holiday gatherings at a time that's not favorable to our schedule and my family happens to do theirs when it is. We've kind of accommodated for that by seeing them near holidays, but not on the day. So, for example, we'll celebrate Christmas with them the weekend before Christmas rather than ON Christmas. I feel like we're often running around like a chicken with their head cut off around holidays, but we do try to make an effort.
At the same time, my mother (who is the queen of feeling that she can control everything and everyone) has gotten offended by our arrangements in the past and I have to tell her too bad. It is what it is and we do our best to accommodate everyone INCLUDING us because while we're willing to make an effort we're not willing to sacrifice our own enjoyment just to make everyone else happy. I think this is definitely something that as parents you need to dictate so that you can have a good blend of compromise and selfishness (so that you can have your own traditions too!), whatever that may look like.
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Depends on the family...
My parents would say 'yes' and live ~ 35 miles away but DH's are more about time and don't make a big to-do about holidays anymore since 3 of their 4 kids (including DH) live so far away (1,200+ miles) they are used to just making the most with the time when each of their kids come home.
My MIL is thrilled to have us the week of July 4th that we come up there every year and then we usually do 2 other weekends (March and October time frame) b/c my husband refuses to be one of 'those people' at the airport during the holidays and getting stuck (esp. since IL's live in Maine - talk about snow!).
Once the LO's are here, I'm thinking I may have Christmas at our home - which is what my parents did. My mom invited her family since they all live less than an hour away (in all different directions though, so our house was the mid-point). My dad's family lived 8 hours away so we would always drive there for Thanksgiving though.
My parents wanted Christmas to be something special in our own home so I only had 2 Christmases with my dad's family growing up, with the Thanksgivings those same years with my mom's family. Easter was always at my maternal grandmother's house for my mom's side of the family.
My response to your post title is "hell no!" DH and I dictate to our parents what days we are willing to host people, then let them pick what is reasonable for them. DH has his girls every other Christmas and I didn't want my IL's coming in for Christmas every single year that we had the girls. I wanted the chance to do my own tradition with the kids and have a quiet morning with them once in awhile. DH supported me and his parents were fine with it. My parents live 3000 miles away, so it was less of an issue.
I think it was easier for me to get what I wanted because my MIL had a rough relationship with her MIL.
That said, we do carve out special time for the grandparents to be with the kids. It just doesn't always fall on the holidays. We planned a Spring Break trip with the girls and my in-laws and they all had a blast for the five days they were together.
Absolutely not. DH's parents live a mile from us so they will definitely see DD more than my parents who live 1 1/2 hours away and if you really want to complicate things, my other parents live 3+ hours away. For Christmas we typically find a way to see everyone and spend a few days driving back and forth across the state. This year I will be too pregnant to travel that far so we are staying home and that will be our new tradition. I am making the rule that our daughter will always wake up in her own bed on Christmas morning and will not spend hours in the car every Christmas. Anyone who wants to visit us is more than welcome.
My mom's whole family still gets together for Thanksgiving and that is the only time we see them most years. Even though that is usually a 3-4 hour drive (we rotate houses) we will not give up that tradition. DH's parents have known since day one that at least until my Grandparents pass away they will not spend Thanksgiving with us.
Smaller holidays we will deal with as they come and we do not have any traditions in particular. I prefer to celebrate Easter with my family because they actually practice their religion all year.
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No, I don't think grandparents "own" anything - least of all holidays. I think it is the parents' (of the small child) decision how, where, and when to celebrate those holidays.
Obviously if you are close with your family and want to see them then it makes sense to try to collaborate with the grandparents (whether that means your house or their house) to come up with a plan that works for everyone and includes them.
However, I think that grandparents have to be understanding and accommodating and need to respect the fact that many new parents will want to start their own traditions. There are some grandparents that are REALLY bad about this. They need to "pass on the torch" so to speak, if the new parents suddenly want to spend Christmas Day opening gifts at their own home now that they have little ones.
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My husband and I have decided to split holidays up. Thanksgiving with one set, Christmas with the other and rotate every year. So like last year we spent Thanksgiving with his and Christmas with mine and this year it's Thanksgiving with mine and Christmas with his. It seemed like the thing to do since our parents live 3 hours away from each other and then that way we aren't running around for all the holidays and can relax and enjoy them. My family is very flexible so we will do Christmas the weekend before or over New Years.
Im waiting for this issue to "hit the fan". We've always tried to see as much of the family on the holidays as we can. Both of our families live fairly local so it gets a little crazy.
I've tried to prepare my parents that things are going to change and that all the families are getting too big to cram all the aunts and uncles and cousins and kids and friends into one house. We still try to see both sides of my family/extended family and it just gets to be too much. It's great to have the big family gatherings and all but I think it's time to downsize.
My MIL is pretty easy going on holidays, its my SIL that will be the wicked witch. I love her and all, but she likes to dictate the holidays and all family gatherings because she's been the only person in the family that has kids for about 9 years, so she's always made everyone come to her. The fact that her kids will have to "share" their grandparents should be interesting. My inlaws cater to their every need and whim, not just over holidays but in life in general. So I have a feeling that there will be some major friction over future christmases. Luckily we wont have to deal with that problem til next year!!
We always do our best to accommodate everyone for the holidays, but sometimes, we just need some time to ourselves. Both of our parents are divorced, and the last time we visited everyone we were supposed to, we celebrated 14 Christmases and traveled through 5 different states in 3 days. It was the worst Christmas ever.
Since then, we have explained to our families that we need to spread out the holidays, and as much as we enjoy celebrating with them, we need to be able to enjoy Christmas as our own family as well.
I'm sure next year is going to be a battle, though- everyone is going to want to be a part of baby's first Christmas! We've starting combining family get togethers, so hopefully that will help!
My hubby's parents AND my parents live in the same town we do. Even before being pregnant, holidays have proven to be a problem.
Recently, both DH and I really wish we lived several hours away. We feel like their expectations would be lower.
No. You are starting your family & you can do whatever you want with you holidays.
We have traditions we have done since before we were married, so we stuck with those. Once they are start to get too hectic then we will change them to make it better for your family.
An example: Every Thanksgiving we flip back and forth from my family to my ILs. So we don't see everyone (and both our families are under 30 minutes away from us).
Holidays are "Family time" for most, but you do what is best for your family IMO.