Funerals ? (also, family drama vent)
joyfullyfound
member
As some of you know, my grandma died earlier this week 
She requested to be cremated, so there's no rush to bury her body... but we'd still like to have the funeral in the next few weeks. It has to happen, and the family is asking when it is.
My aunt is in her 60's, single, was my grandmother's main caregiver. They were very close, and lived together on and off throughout their lives. My aunt wants to postpone the funeral inevitably. The church has an opening on October 27th, a month from now, and she says that's too soon, that she's not ready.
My younger brother is moving to Australia for a work stay at the end of October, and already booked his flights before my grandma's death. My aunt wants him to cancel his flights (losing some money and his placement in Sydney) to stay for a funeral she's not sure she's ever be ready for.
We want to be sensitive to her grief and not pressure her too much... but we're ALL grieving and around here funerals are usually held within a few weeks of a death. It's already strange that it might be a month away.... never mind that my aunt has suggested sometime next summer as a possibility!
Anyways, vent over. Now, my question:
Where you live, how long after someone's death is their funeral usually held? Is my aunt's suggestion of next year from now as bizarre to you as it is to us?
Re: Funerals ? (also, family drama vent)
I'm so sorry for your loss. Honestly, I've never heard of a funeral not being within 3 days of the person's passing except in extenuating circumstances (my one aunt passed while in vacation in Hawaii and the island they were on did not have an airport, so there were complications getting her home and that delayed it to 4 or 5 days instead). If it's a year after I would think of it as a memorial service, not a funeral.
Also, was your grandmother religious? I believe in many religions your soul is not at rest until the funeral (although I could be wrong on that), so maybe bring that up.
I have never heard of a funeral being scheduled a month past the death. Most funerals I have gone to are w/i 2 weeks(usually a week or a week and a half after.) Next summer is just crazy.
Your aunt may never feel ready for the funeral and that's ok, but the rest of the family should be able to have closure sooner rather than later. I'm really sorry for your loss Joyfully.
First off, I am sorry for your loss. Secondly, I totally agree with NandaB that perhaps a memorial would be appropriate at a later date, but that a funeral should be held soon. I have never attended a funeral that was held more than a week after the death of a loved one.
I'm sorry for your loss.
When DH's dad and stepmom died, their funerals were held about a week after their death. Of course it was very difficult on everyone, but waiting isn't going to make it easier. I also think that at the end of the day, waiting is only going to make you feel guilty for not doing it sooner. Once you've grieved and are able to start moving on, I bet your aunt will regret not having done it sooner. I also kind of feel like waiting doesn't honor the person who died. Those who knew and loved the deceased should be able to come together and honor their loved one.
I agree with whoever suggested doing a memorial at a later date, but the funeral now.
Oh Joyfully
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this situation on top of the death of your grandmother.
I agree with you entirely. It would be extremely bizarre to have a funeral a year after her death. Here, the funeral is typically within a week of the individuals passing. I had a friend last year who was murdered at college. Her funeral was 10days after she died because she was in another state and her family wanted to have the visitation/funeral back here. Also, because it was a murder I know they were investigating and finding the disgusting men responsible for it. I am sure it would have been sooner but because of all this it was a little over a week.
October 27th is not unreasonable. I feel for your aunt but at the same time a funeral is probably going to help bring more closure...you know, rather than waiting a year and bringing all that grief back again?!? I remember at my friend's funeral I was talking to her best friend who said she was in a place where she was finally feeling okay and then having the funeral and visitation brought everything back...and that was only 10days.
I know you asked for scriptures/poems that might be a comfort a few days ago. I didn't think of this then but I'll share it now. A scripture that has always been a comfort to me is Isaiah 49:16. " I have written your name on the palms of my hands." It's kind of a simple reminder that God doesn't forget His children...it has always been comforting to me anyhow :-)
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I would gently push your aunt to accept a funeral soon. It truly helps with the grieving process. I would suggest she get in touch with some grief counseling as well. There is no shame in reaching out when you are in pain. She needs to know this.
Perhaps you could have your aunt plan a memorial service for next summer, a celebration of your grandma's life when emotions are not running as high and you can focus on all the good times and fun.
So sorry for your loss.
Maybe that's just how it is in like my circle but I really have never heard of a funeral taking place more the a week later.
Usually we just want to get it over with .. as harsh as that sounds. I couldny imagine having to grieve again months later... that must be so hard
I am so so sorry for your loss and that your family is going through this. I wish u the best.. I hope everything turns out ok.
FWIW, my grandma's funeral is the only funeral that I have heard of not being held withing a few days (3-5ish) after death. She was cremated and the funeral was about one month after her death. There were a variety of reasons for this though. (My grandpa and grandma lived on the other side of the country from family. He wanted the funeral here and wanted to stay for a long visit. My grandpa didn't want to make multiple cross country trips etc...)
That being said, I definitely agree with pp. A year later would strike me as odd. Hopefully your family is able to find a compromise that allows everyone to grieve as they need to and be at the funeral.
Again, I am sorry for your loss.
I would say schedule the funeral as well. Your Aunt may not realize it, but having the funeral may help her with closure, which may very well be her problem now. If she's not up for attending when its scheduled, than that's on her seeing as how the rest of the family is ready to move forward with it and if there are other friends/family, etc. that are eager to attend a funeral, its not fair to make everyone else wait.
This is pretty close to my heart as I lost my father a little over a month ago. My parents were divorced, he was remarried and lived in Florida (I am in Jersey). None of my other family members spoke to him (everyone was pissed off that he got remarried and nobody ever cared for my step-mother). I was hoping for some type of service just to help me with closure. However, from what my step-mother says (I will never truly know since my father never spoke to me about it) he didn't want a service. He was cremated and asked for his ashes to be spread. Originally, she did tell me that she wasn't' willing to separate the ashes, but I guess had given it second thought as she sent me some of his ashes and I just received them this week. I need to figure out a way to spread his ashes (finding a good place, perhaps speaking to my brother to see if he wants any part of it, etc.). I am hoping that by doing so, it will help me with closure.
Sorry to go off on my own woes, but I believe that services help with the coping process and if it were me, I would have it scheduled already.
Good luck and I am so sorry to hear about your loss!
Thanks everyone. We'll work on convincing my aunt... she's a really strong personality - the oldest of the siblings, stubborn, and used to being in charge. She's expecting that what she says will go. My mom and uncle are used to letting her have her way to avoid a big fight, but this is important enough that they're standing their ground. That said, holding the funeral without her permission or attendance would cause a massive rift... she'd be absolutely furious. I know it's ridiculous,but that's my aunt... she's a little unstable, struggles with alcohol abuse, etc. She isn't very healthy emotionally.
Anyways, thank you for you kind words and advice! It's appreciated
I'll talk it all through with my mom once she's home from work.
Here, it's expected that a memorial service will take place within 3 days of the death (even though many are cremated).
Honestly, I hate funerals and I've asked my family not to even consider holding any sort of service after my death. If your aunt is really struggling, do you think it might be better not to hold a service? People can mourn as family and friends without that gathering focused on your grandmother, and be sensitive to your aunt's needs. I absolutely wouldn't encourage your brother to cancel/postpone his trip.
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BFP #2 4/9/12, EDD 12/16/12, M/C Rory 4/24/12.
BFP #3 10/6/12, EDD 6/16/12., Matilda born 6/17/13.
I am so, so sorry to hear about your loss.
I have never heard of a funeral being held any more than 3-5 days after the person has passed. If it were my family, we would go ahead and schedule the funeral to be held sooner than later. Funerals provide closure for a lot of people, and the longer you wait, the tougher you make it for everyone to move on.
In our family, it's within a couple of days. It's drop everything and go. I actually thought it was weird when DH's grandpa died and his grandma was trying to be sensitive to people's schedules and waited a week for the funeral.
I had a great uncle who lived in two different places, (Missouri in the summer, south Texas in the winter) and was cremated, have two memorial services, one in each location that were several months apart, but that didn't seem weird to me. The first one was right away, and that was more for friends (in Texas) and the 2nd was when my great aunt came up north for the summer and that one was for all the extended family. But that was what they did together as a couple every year, so it made sense :-)
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My grandpa died Wednesday and we're having the funeral October 6th. He's being cremated also. I feel like that's a long ways out, but my grandma wanted a particular priest and we have family members that need to fly in. We're not planning the burial at this point, but we'll probably do that next summer with a small memorial service for close family.
Can your family talk to your aunt about what would help her be ready for this funeral? Or if she's religious could someone from the church speak with her?
I'm also sorry for your loss I agree with these pp's.
Yeah, that does seem a little odd. Normally funerals are held within a week of the death.
Unfortunately, the bottom line is- who is in charge of final arrangements? Who did your grandmother designate as executor? It will ultimately be up to that person.
Sorry for your loss!
Given what you added, I'd say your Mom & Uncle are doing the right thing by holding their ground on this one. I'd say present it as such that the Funeral is going to be on the date that works for the church and then a family gtg memorial next year. It's unreasonable for your aunt, no matter how close to GM, to ask family to make the shifts for her that she's asking (postponing the work overseas, indefinitely, etc.) for something that she at this point thinks she isn't ready for. No one is ready for the passing of someone close, but at some point you have to take the deep breath and attend to it.
Maybe if your aunt is religious at all you can use that to your advantage that it's not fair to your GM to not have a proper funeral/burial as it goes against the teachings of the church. Maybe have your priest/minister/etc. talk to her on it to help avoid a rift.