Feeling really bitter today

lovebug33

Last night, I was talking to a friend who is a NICU nurse and about what happened to us and how DD was kept from us for 5 hours after delivery. He was telling me that it was totally wrong and we should have had her in our arms immediately and DH should never have been kept out of the nursery and away from the baby. I am still really struggling with being bitter and angry about all of the firsts we missed. I wasn't the first to hold my baby, I didn't get to feed her first, etc. DH keeps telling me it doesn't matter because we get the rest of our lives with her, but I still can't help feeling angry. IF took so much from me, then we had to have the c-section, then I didn't get my baby. To top it all off, a bunch of my friends from college just had babies and they keep posting on fb about their wonderful birth experiences, which makes it worse. And, nobody I have said this to understands, so I have nobody to talk to and I just don't know how to get over being bitter. I was thinking y'all might understand. If you made it through this, thank you!

bearfootz

I understand.  When I had the twins I briefly got to see DS and give him a kiss, but couldn't hold him because of the c-section. I only got a glimpse of DD before they took them both the the NICU.  (DH was able to go with to the NICU though)  It just wasn't what I had pictured in my mind and it was such a strange feeling to carry these babies around for so long and then to not be near them.  I had to remind DH that I needed to hold DD before any of the visiting relatives did - which meant being adament that I get up out of bed and up to the NICU as soon as possible, etc. 

It was a very emotional experience and you're right, not one that everyone will understand.  It doesn't help that your hormones are all over the place too.  Your DH is right - somewhere down the line you'll realize that you're not any less of a mom for needing the c-section and missing out on those first few moments - but it doesn't mean you have to deny that you're upset now. 

Big hugs to you.

queenbone

I think I'll always be a teeny bit jealous when I read or hear a birth story of someone who got to have a vaginal delivery.  I know I should get over it and move on, but I really, really hated my c/s experience.

jesselayne8

(((hugs))) It took me weeks of crying to get over having a csection.  I wanted the whole drug free vaginal experience but my induction washed all that down the drain.  It pisses me off when people say "it doesn't matter how the baby comes as long as they are healthy".  Yes I am beyond thankful to a healthy beautiful daughter but I still feel I missed out on giving birth.  

TJ1979

Oh sweetie. You are definitely allowed to feel that way. I'm so sorry for you that you didn't get the birth you wanted and deserved. I wish there was something I could say to take away the hurt and bitterness, but there is nothing I can say. Huge hugs hon.

Sept30Madison

For dealing with IF, we should all get a free pass and have wonderful births. I really am so glad that DD is healthy and alive, but I am also still trying to not be bitter about 43 days of NICU and all the scary stuff we dealt with her first week of life.

74dragonfly

When I had DD I had a c section after a failed induction. I was shaking and vomiting for hours. I didn't hold my baby for almost 7 hours. It took me months to get over that. I am phone bumping so I don't know when you had your baby. It will get better. There was lots of holding and snuggling. You will feel better. In the end the birth is a moment in time, it is the other moments that matter.

lovebug33

Thank you ladies! You have made me feel better.