Parenting a "shy" child
MSW_721
member
Most people consider me shy and I have been as long as I can remember. I hated in school when teachers would comment on it and say that I didn't smile enough or talk enough. I felt like they were trying to make me into something that I wasn't. Even now I don't like speaking in public or going to company mixers or parties where I don't know a lot of people or whatever. I always feel like I'm faking being social or something.
So anyways, my DS seems to take after me (and my DH too) and is on the shy side and very reserved. He doesn't like new situations and it takes him a long time to warm up to new people. He's in daycare twice a week which helps but his teachers comment on how he hardly ever participates in circle time or doesn't play much when there's a big group of kids. I try to take him out to library story times and to toddler events, but he just sits in my lap most of the time and watches. I don't want to push him to be something that he's not since I hated that growing up, but I would like him to take advantage of social situations. Like today we went to the park which he usually loves but he refused to play and kept saying "no people." He talks and plays a ton at home and with family that he knows so I'm not worried about him developmentally or anything.
So I'm not even really sure what I'm asking. Just curious if anyone has a LO who is similar and how you balance trying let them be who are they while trying to teach them how to live in a world where extroverts seems to be so valued. Thank you if you made it this far!
Re: Parenting a "shy" child
I don't have experience with this, yet, as a parent, but I suspect I may down the road with my LO. My DH and I were (are) both very introverted and were each known to hide behind our mothers' legs when we were little. I understand entirely about having teachers (and classmates and other adults, too) tell me I didn't talk enough. It was never a confidence booster, that's for sure... so I think this is what I'm going to try to keep in mind as my LO grows. I recommend reading "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain. I haven't actually read it all (though I'd like to), but I've read about the book and have watched a clip or two of the author speaking about it. Like PP said, it sounds like you're doing great!
I'm shy and DD1 seems reserved and uncertain in new situations. As well as getting her around other children, I've also been trying to get her around me in social situations. So she can see me greet and chat with people. Even if it's just chatting to the person at the check-out.
I also model talking to strange children at the park, so if a kids comes over and says hi, I chat back, introduce myself etc etc.
FWIW I think there is huge value in being a reserved person. As a high school teacher I can tell you the reserved people are generally great observers, and it shows in their writing, and understanding of social situations.
Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
I'm definitely introverted and Callum is the same. He does the same thing you describe if we are at the park - being hesitant to go and play if there are other kids around. BUT in the last 6 months or so he has started to move past that some. I think part of it was just age and part was the fact that he started preschool a few mornings a week (in a very small setting). I'd still call him a "shy" kid and he still hangs back on occasion, but I don't feel as much that he is missing out because he's hanging back.
All that said, I think it's ok for kids to hang back. I'd always encourage Callum to play and do the things he enjoyed but also respected if he just wanted to watch.
Nothing wrong with being an introvert!
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DD is also slow to warm up, doesn't like loud sounds or crowded, noisy places, or any place with too many people at all. I let her primarily go at her own pace. I encourage her to interact, but often from my arms (a safe place) or help her find a quieter/less busy part of a room/location so she can feel a little more secure. I try to continue talking to her, snuggling her, and helping her feel as safe as she can in a situation that scares her. And we repeat, over and over and over and over again.
DH was uncertain about her warming up in her soccer class this summer. She spent most of the time not participating and holding on to him in some way. But over the weeks, she participated (sometimes in her own fashion
), and got more comfortable. But it took weeks and weeks of going back to the same place over and over.
The same thing happened when we did a few mommy-and-me classes. It was a minimum of six weeks, sometimes longer, of going to the same location time and time again for her to feel comfortable. If I pushed, it would just take longer.
ARHGA!!!! The idea that "shy" = "bad" is one of the worst fallacies ever! I'm an extrovert, but I'm totally shy. There are three traits people are born with: You're either a Flexible, a Feisty, or a Fearful. I'm a total Fearful, so I can be really shy sometimes. (My sister's a Flexible and she can be shy too.) We're BORN with these traits, and it annoys the help out of me whenever anyone says, "You're so quiet." I'm usually thinking, "You're too loud!" People don't get that it's perfectly fine to be quiet and shy, and that quiet and shy people can get things done and work efficiency with others!
I would focus on telling my LO, "It's fine to be shy, but people are going to make comments about it, and thinking up of a response is perfectly fine. Don't be offended, because they're just idiots, but say, 'I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not quiet. I talk all the time to people I like.'" OH BURN!
Or something like that. I would probably also try to set up small play-dates so that my LO would get used to being around other kids, and would see that it's not so scary. (I know that helped me.)
My older son has always been shy and slow to warm up (and just plain won't participate in some classes/group activities). He's gotten as he gets older (he's now 4.5), but we do have to make sure we accept it for what it is, and I have to remind myself not to get frustrated with him if he doesn't want to do certain things.
Now that he's older, we've been able to remind him of times he's tried something and had fun to get him to try new things. But that only works when they're a bit older. It's also really, really helped having preschool teachers who are okay with him not doing circle time, or wanting to dance with his classmates, etc.
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
Charlotte Ella 07.16.10
Emmeline Grace 03.27.13
I truly don't believe one can "be shy". I think being shy is sometimes confused with social anxiety and being an introvert.
DS is an introvert. I'm totally cool with it, DH is the same way. And DS definitely likes to observe more than engage. But things like responding to an adult's question, which DS can struggle with, I tackle from more of an anxiety standpoint. It's okay to feel anxious about talking to new people, but that doesn't mean we let the anxiety stop us from doing so. At 3, it's a bit complex, so we talk a lot about past situations in which DS felt nervous in a situation, but then had fun. Sometimes we role play at home with puppets or other toys.
Being shy is different than being introverted. It sounds like you and your son may be introverted.
Try reading this book by Marti Olsen Laney...She also wrote the Introvert Advantage (which also discusses the introverted child).
https://www.amazon.com/Hidden-Gifts-Introverted-Child-Extroverted/dp/0761135243
I'm very much an introvert. My son seems to be more extroverted.
This! I don't know why being shy is such a negative thing. I remember when I was in first grade my teacher did not like me because I was shy and she actually told my mother that she should take me to a psychiatrist. When my mother asked why the teacher said, "Well, she just doesn't talk much." Seriously!?
Shy kids can grow unto wonderful adults. I have been shy my whole life and I have my masters degree and a good job as an elementary school music teacher. And it is something you do grow out of. I am still shy though much less from when I was a kid. I do think pushing your LO to do things they are not comfortable with only makes it worse.
At 2 my DS#1 was 'reserved' even with family-and a whole lot of other settings and people. Now at 4, once he warms up he quite the opposite. Who knows what he will be at 6 or 8?
DH and I did not commit him to the self-fulfilling prophecy that he was 'shy' at 2 and therefore at 4 he doesn't associate himself as such. We never made excuses for his reserved behavior 'oh he is shy' to others in public. And it was easy for me. It was obvious what he gained by processing rather than just acting to his environment.
We kept exposing him, working with him at his pace towards new things.
THANK YOU! One of my Communications teachers in college said the easiest way to tell if you're introverted or extroverted is to gauge how you feel after a big party. Does the party excite you and energize you? Or do you leave the party exhausted? I was born fearful, but parties pump me up. In many, many, many ways I'm completely extroverted, just a bit shy as well. My teacher was the opposite. She was outgoing but totally introverted.