1st Trimester

TTC buddy and a dilemma

My friend and her husband started TTC about 5 months before we did. We've stuck together during the whole process for about a year, crying and laughing together. I found out I was pregnant a week ago and she got bad news about her husband's fellas a few days ago. I don't know how to tell her that I am pregnant. I know I shouldn't, but I feel guilty. I know she'll be happy for me, but I really don't want to upset her. She stopped over after her appt the other day, really upset. After venting she asked me how things were going with us and I just said that they were the same. I felt terrible for lying to her, but I just couldn't tell her that we got our BFP when she was so upset.

Has anyone been in this situation? How should I handle it?

Re: TTC buddy and a dilemma

  • Just tell her. it will suck. she will be upset for what she doesn't have and might not be able to get but she will also be happy for you. she will find out soon enough anyways. it will be much better for her to hear it from you now, then someone else later.
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  • Oh man. You're gonna have to tell her eventually. If it was me, I'd have probably cried and blurted it out right then! :(

    I hope she'd understand - you were both working toward the same goal (getting pregnant) and I mean, in a situation like that, one of you was going to get there first. Think of how you would want her to tell you if it had been her to get pregnant first, and then go from there. Good luck!

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  • I agree with PPs...I would just sit her down and tell her.  I understand why you didn't say anything when she was obviously upset about her bad news and I don't think you have to tell her right away but I would make sure she hears it from you, rather than through the grapevine.  Also, you may want to let her know you understand that your pregnancy may be difficult for her and find out how much she wants to know or be involved with.  As someone who lost a LO at 12.5 weeks...I would have appreciated some of my friends asking me this before texting me their sonogram pictures.  Not that I wasn't happy for them...I was, it's sometimes just hard to see that kind of thing when you are struggling!  Good luck!

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  • Just tell her, she will appreciate it coming from you. My friend went into pre-term labor at 20wks and her baby past, a couple weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I was so scared to tell her, I think because she knew about our infertility she was so happy for us but she thanked me for telling her myself. And because I understood her grief I told her if me talking about my pregnancy was too much just to let me know. I truly believe my pregnancy has given her the boost to move forward and TTC again. Understand she'll be upset but true friends support :)
  • Just tell her. She will appreciate it. I called one of my best friend who had a miscarriage in January. I knew it may be hard for her to hear the news. I thought she was not overly excited when I told her, and understood that she was probably upset. A couple days later, I received an email from her telling me how thoughtful I was and that she really appreciated it. I'm sure it will be hard from your friend, but you have been together in this TTC journey, and I'm sure she will be happy for you after the shock. GL!

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  • I went through this with one of my friends. I got pregnant by accident with DD while on birth control while she and her husband have had 4 failed IVF. I emailed her a personal note about my pregnancy and let her decide how involved she wanted to be. Since then I've started TTC for number two and I am keeping it to myself. She hasn't asked me, but at the same time I have asked her what is going on with her life a lot. I ask her about what she is going through and if she needs a ride to her appointments (her husband is deployed). They have frozen embryos that they will be trying to cycle with here in a little while.

    I vote email. It gives her time to process the information and cry if she needs to without trying to keep a brave face in front of you. Its not that she won't be happy for you. Its that she is sad for her and her situation. You are a good friend to be concerned. Congratulations and best of luck to you.


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  • I was on the other hand of that.  We TTC for over 5 years before we got our son.  During that time I had many friends who ended up getting pregnant and having healthy babies.  I always felt so jealous when it happened but of course I was happy for them and tried to be supportive.

    I would say make sure you tell her (and privately).  She will find out and it is always better if it comes from you.  Try to consider the timing.  I am glad that you didn't tell her when she came over the other day.  For me, that would have made things a lot harder.  I would wait a couple weeks until she can digest her news and then just try to stay positive with her.  Let her know that it will happen for her.  If she is a good friend she will be happy for you.  I also think that is good advice to try and figure out how much she wants to be involved.  She may want to live vicariously through you or try to avoid the conversation. 

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