Dealing with loss in the family (complicated)(ticker/pg warning)

steenbean18

I hope this is the right place to post this.  I don't want to post it on my home board and risk upsetting the ladies there.  

 Background:  I'm 40w5d pregnant.  My baby is due any day now.  My SIL is 29w5d pregnant and we've been through this whole pregnancy thing together.  We're both having girls, decorated our nurseries together, etc.

 Tonight we found out that she lost her baby.  We don't know what happened yet, just that the baby stopped moving and they confirmed the loss at the hospital a few hours ago.  

 I don't know what to do.  Our baby will be here any day now (induction scheduled friday), and I'm so emotionally overwhelmed by this news.  So many feelings are going through me right now.  I'm grieving the loss of my niece, grieving for their loss, and about to have my first baby.  This was supposed to be a very happy time for our family but instead I feel nothing but sadness.  I can't imagine what they're going through right now, and I don't think it'll be easier in a few days when our baby is born, knowing that their baby is an angel now.  

I guess I'm just hoping that someone here will tell me what to do or what to say, or help me sort through these feelings.  I don't want to hurt them anymore, but I can't do anything about my baby being born.  How do I feel excited about our family when they've just lost theirs?  I'm feeling completely lost right now. 

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steenbean18

stlucia_wife:

Please add a ticket warning and pg warning. 

Keeping you family in my thoughts.  

 

I'm sorry, I don't know what that means

Edit: NM...trying to fix. Sorry! 

fluttergirlmoonchild79

Very sorry for the loss of your niece.  When my Corbin was born we had a lot of friends and family members who were either due around the time we were or had just had babies.  With regards to your baby and your SIL and her husband, I'd say try to be as sensitive as possible.   My cousin had a baby 3 weeks after Corbin became an angel and both my cousin and her family (my aunt) proceeded to send me a birth announcement (with pictures) and emails with pictures and updates on the baby. That was the last thing I wanted to see. (If you do get birth announcements, maybe set one aside for them and maybe ask them if they want it now or later)  Understand that your SIL will genuinely be happy for you and for the new baby but this will be a very difficult time for her.  Call or text her from time to time to check in on her and see if they need anything.  Once you've recovered, make some time to maybe go to their house and allow her to talk about her baby (please don't bring yours and try not to monopolize the conversation about yours).  Allow them to tell you how they want to deal with your baby.  Whenever we're getting together with friends who have babies around Corbin's age I have to ask if they plan on bringing their child with and if they are planning, I have to ask that they either find a sitter or we have to cancel.   For many of us, it's very hard to be around babies.

I hope at least something I've said helps.  It's ok to be happy for your family, I'm sure they want you to be.

jbranden12

I'm sorry for the loss of your niece. Please do check out our "how to help" and "what not to do" links at the top of the board. Personally, I feel that the WORST thing you can do at this point is to say "Let me know how I can help" and put the burden on her. Pick some things on the list, and make them happen through friends or family because she may not want to see you.

It is really unfortunate that this happened to your family at all, let alone during your pregnancy, and if I were you I might feel really disappointed that you do not get to celebrate your new baby the way you might like due to this cloud hanging over your family. Please put that aside, for the sake of your SIL and your family. It may be unfair, but her feelings rule right now. In my biased opinion, grief of a child trumps all. She may not want to see you at all. She may feel intense anger toward you. If that is the case, my advice is to just take it and do whatever she says. Right now, she and her husband need to be allowed to feel WHATEVER they want. That may change hour by hour.

Every mom is different. I couldn't see babies for weeks, and I still have a difficult time seeing pregnant women or babies even though I am expecting our rainbow. Some women find that holding babies helps them heal after a period of time. Work through your family to find out what she needs and respect it. 

Whatever you do, do not make any of this about you. It has nothing to do with you or your baby. Your will be dealing with postpartum hormones, and so will she. Your milk will likely come in, and so will hers, except that she has no baby to feed. Count yourself as one of the lucky ones.

I apologize if I have been harsh, and I appreciate you asking for advice.

Bayberry12

I am so sorry for your SIL.  It will be very hard for her, and for every one.  I think the other posters have really given some great advise.  Although it is sad to think, it is very true that your SIL might have some resentment/anger/jealously toward you and your baby.  Please know that you can't change how she feels right now, and don't hate her for it, she can't help it.  She may pull away from you, as it will be extremely hard for her to be happy for you while she is grieving the loss her her child.  

Also be there for her in ways that are appropriate, while she may not be able to look at you now, sending a card or several cards, may be a better way to communicate.  I highly recommend checking out our new blog https://thelossblog.blogspot.com/  

When you do reach out to her with phone calls or text, don't expect her to reply, and don't get upset if she doesn't reply, but please keep texting or calling, a simple "I love you" or "thinking of you" will get the message across, and eventually she may open up.  Just be gentle with her.  

pottermommy

At the top of the page is a what to do what not to do clicky button.  That will give you alot of info or the official blog made by one of our amazing mama's is in my siggy.  You can look there too.

 

I am sorry your SIL is going through this, my biggest peice of advice is not to push yourself or your new lo on her.  If she welcomes it, fine.  If not, then don't.  I am sure that it is hard and that you want to share the little girl that you have shared with her this whole time but right now she may not want anything to do with it. 

Please invite her to come and post here if she needs to, support from people who understand for real is so much different than from others that don't. 

I am sorry your family is going through this, my heart breaks for you SIL. 

emizer

mdharrison:

   

I think just be very careful with anything that might expose her to your baby.. talking about them, showing pictures, sending announcements..  and make sure your family is aware of this too.  

I think this part is really important too. Try and communicate with your family that you don't want them mentioning your pg or baby to your SIL. Sometimes the least sensitive people are the proud grandmas/aunts etc who don't take the time to imagine how hard it might be for the loss mom. You deserve people to be excited for you but she also deserves sympathy and respect. I'm sorry for the loss your family is going through. Like you said, it would be hard even if you weren't pg. *hugs*

cherrycobbler

I'm so sorry for the loss of your niece.  I think everyone previous has covered a lot of it, don't push yourself on to them, space but support.  I know your situation is pretty specific because you are just about to have your baby, and they are family, but there is a wonderful (free) e-book called "When a Friend's Baby Dies" by Kristine Brite McCormick that might be of some help to you.  You can also check out the board's Loss Blog (link in my sig), it is a jumping off point of resources.

steenbean18

Thank you so much everyone for the advice. It really helps to hear perspective from women who have been through this before. I'll read the links mentioned and check out the blog for more advice. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to our family. We all feel completely crushed. I really just want to do whatever I can do (or not do) to limit their pain in this very hard time.  It's emotional for all of us and we're really struggling. Thanks again.