So I am feeling really nervous about revealing my pregnancy for a few reasons, but primarily because of the fear of being judged. My first 2 children were with someone I was engaged to, and very much in love with, but he became an addict & I left him.
I have been with my current boyfriend about half a year now (we've known eachother longer) - and this pregnancy was a bit of a surprise, but not an unwelcome one. I always knew I wanted three children, but I was expecting my family to work out with my kids' father, until things went the way they went.
I am feeling really guilty about having one kid with a different father than my other two. I don't really know why. I know the child will be loved and adored, but I just fear the judgement and the comments. I'm afraid my family's going to practically disown me and that I'll have no support system for this pregnancy, aside from my best friend and my boyfriend's family.
Has anyone else had children by more than one man? Did you experience similar fears or worries?
I guess ideally I just never pictured having children with more than one person, so I'm feeling a bit bad. I just want to get past this weird feeling and enjoy my nine months.
Re: Anyone have a child by more than 1 father?
If you're happy with your boyfriend and your relationship with him is know to your family, I don't see why they will find it strange, except maybe for the short time you've been together. I have a daughter with my ex, and we've been apart for 6 years now. My FI has a daughter from a previous relationship. we've been together for almost a year and just found out recently that we are expecting. Not entirely planned, but what can you do, right?
I used to have guilt that I wouldn't ever be able to give my daughter a full-blood sibling, but in the end, I realized that that doesn't matter. My daughter has 3 half-brothers (yeah he got busy after we split, lol) and they are still her brothers. Whatever this baby is will be just as much her sibling, too.
It's more prevalent than people let on, so don't let it get you down.
Your kids are so young, and they are the only ones you should be concerned about. My oldest daughter's father was not a good person, let alone a good father. I moved on when baby was 2yrs old, because we found the right person.
DH and I have now been together for 7.5yrs, we have one child "together" (became pregnant about a year into the relationship), and two more on the way. My oldest knows her bio-father, she sees him maybe once a year, and that side of the family is involved in our family's life despite his constant absence - but DH is the only DAD she's ever had. You can't always predict the ways that people will grow, regress, or change. There were certainly whispers and uncomfortable conversations had when we had our first together, but our family is a solid unit - there is no "yours and ours". It is our family and everyone is of equal value and worth. Those who would rather judge than be a part of that family can frankly go ride the stick in their ass.
Right ovary removed 09.04.2012 via vertical laparotomy
Essure implant placed on remaining tube 06.13.2013; successful followup scan 09.30.2013
I have a 14 year old from a previous relationship when I was in highschool. I of course thought that my first which was my son's dad would be the man I spent the rest of my life with but he had an issue with keeping his hands to himself and for the safety of my son I decided I needed to leave that relationship. Of course my parents were unhappy because we were young and my parents wanted me to be with the father of my child however they didn't want me to be with a person that couldn't control there anger and put there daughter and there grandchild in danger!
My plan was to marry him and have more children but the lord didn't see if that way and you know what I'm so blessed and happy with where my life has gone. My son is happy and well taken care of and my parents love my husband to death!! We have been together for 10 years and married for 6 and finally are giving our family the 2nd grandchild they have been hoping and praying for. This was all in God's time and don't even think that you have done something wrong...you have been blessed with a baby and you should have no fear!
Your children will be loved and cared for by great parents and that's all you need to think about. Everyone wants a happy ending it just never goes the way we want it and you know what sometimes you have to take what is given to you and just continue on!!
Enjoy life, smile alot, and always be positive!
thanks for both your opinions. i appreciate them!
my family is just very judgy by nature, honestly, it has nothing to do with how little time i've been with my boyfriend. my last and i were together for six years, and they hated him before ever having a reason to. they couldn't care less if it's a month or a decade, if they don't like someone, they just don't.
it took me a while to put my foot down and leave my ex, despite what he put me through, and that's when they really started being negative towards me and every single decision i do and do not make. i know ultimately all that matters is the health and happiness of myself and my children, but i guess i just wish i had the joy of sharing my pregnancy news with my family and having them be part of my support system. it'd be nice to talk with them and discuss things, but even though they love the kids i have dearly, they were never welcoming about me being pregnant in the past, either. so i've never really had them for support.
And you know what it's sad but it's there loss...People in my family have made comments about me having another child and I just plainly told them when I ask for there input then they can give it but not until then and if they don't like it then they don't have to be apart of what we are being blessed with. When you let people know exactly where they can go and that you don't need them it puts things into prospective. Enjoy your pregnancy!
Enjoy life, smile alot, and always be positive!
And you know what it's sad but it's there loss...People in my family have made comments about me having another child and I just plainly told them when I ask for there input then they can give it but not until then and if they don't like it then they don't have to be apart of what we are being blessed with. When you let people know exactly where they can go and that you don't need them it puts things into prospective. Enjoy your pregnancy!
Enjoy life, smile alot, and always be positive!
I was younger as a mom, but my kid and future one hopefully, is from the same father. I do want to say something to you though and I hope you will hear me out.
I know that you are happy with your current boyfriend. I want you to be happy. However, you need to slow it down a bit here. You have to do what you have to do regardless of how people act towards you. Its not about you. Its about your kids. Period. Any worries or fears, while understandable and I feel for you, need to be briefly acknowledged. Then you need to pick yourself up and move on.
People are hopeless judgey mcjudgersons. We do it all day, every day. People especially love to judge train wrecks. That is not to say that you are a train wreck, but someone from the outside looking in might say that you don't have your life together.
There is a history of poor choices that you've made that will also shape the way people view you and your family. Its sad and unfair, but unfortunately that is the way the world works. You can't control other people and their feelings. Please understand this. It will help you to let go of a lot of the anxiety and fear of what people might think. I promise that if you come to terms with the fact that you are in control of your feelings and life-- that's it. People are going to have something to say no matter what you do. So do what you do.
Instead of focusing on how people might judge you (because they will) focus on getting yourself into a frame of mind to do right by your kids. Get a job (there is a thread on SAHM board by the way other posters) and bite the bullet. I am a SAHM too, but if I had to for whatever reason, get a job and put my kids in daycare then I would do it. The kids have to eat and there are diapers to buy. The state assistance can only go so far.
Please stop worrying about pointless stuff or being judged. None of it matters. What are they going to do to you? Really? They might call you a ho or some other bad name. You know you aren't one and you have had some bad luck. So you know yourself and your mind. I know its frightening with an unplanned pregnancy. I've been there.
There is no point in wringing your hands about it though. Start socking away some money ASAP so you don't worry about eating while you are recovering. You'll make it. I am crossing my fingers for you, but its time for you to start helping you. Part of that is getting a clearer state of mind of what really matters to you.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
All of this. You've made some poor decisions and continue to do so. I don't judge your family for being opinionated. Does that mean you should stay with an addict? No, not at all. You should, however, take some responsibility for your situation. Especially since you are too selfish to get off your butt and provide for your children. Now you're throwing another baby into the mix.
All of this, and then you post all your sad stories trying to get Internet strangers to agree with you/tell you you're doing the right thing, but of course you leave out TONS of details.
This is what you are being judged on. If you were a hardworking woman who just happened to have found the father of your children to be an addict but you took care of your LO's and moved onto a healthy and strong relationship I wouldn't think anything of it. However, you are a woman, who refuses to get a job and support her family, who slept with two men so closely together that you didn't know WHO the father might be, and who is now bringing another child into your dysfunctional and inadequate household. THAT makes you judged. As a society judgement falls on those that are "mooching" and that is what is going on here. Frankly, I would hazard a guess that you were doing drugs with your former fianc? as that would make this whole situation make sense.
i was thinking through this post as im not in this situation but i know if i were my family would support me, i don't know your family but surely they realize you and your kids are much happier, healthier and safer away from our ex so what should it matter? then i got to thinking my in-laws are pretty judgmental like that but then i was thinking.. i am step mom to my DH daughter why in the world aren't men judged like women are..?? lol no one judges my husband for having two kids with two different mothers!
you be happy you're not with an addict and enjoy your 9 months. I hope they are happy for you!!
First, everything Chancie said. Second: "they hated him before they had a reason to" and you had to "put [your] foot down and leave [your] ex." Sounds like they had a reason to dislike him and you were just slow on the uptake? Maybe they aren't so much judgy; maybe they just have better judgement than you.
Which time was at a surprise? Your family judges you because you pick sh1tty men to procreate with and refuse to get a job to live off the government.
But I'm not expecting an answer because you've never answered ANY of these kind of questions.
Word!
Sarah, 35 bumping from NE Ohio
Married my love 4/22/2006
DD born 10/12/2009
DS born sleeping 2/23/2013 full trisomy 18
Baby 3 due 2/13/2015
Say what????? I'm confused.
Thank you!
She never even comes back to the threads she starts with this ridiculous bs, she just starts new ones with new bs.