4 years....(Angelversary long and detailed sorry...siggy warning)

pottermommy

Today has been four year since my heart broke into thousands of tiny little pieces.  I feel so confused.  I would have thought that after this long I would be better.  I guess I am in some ways but today I fell like I have been thrown right back into that ER room four years ago.

I remember walking in through the dorrs of the ER and everyone that beat me there (my work was 40 mins away) was trying to pull me into hugs and I told them to get off me.  I didn't want to be touched, I didn't want to be held, I didn't want to break down, I needed to see her, she was fine, she just needed to be in my arms that was all.  I just needed to sing to her. 

The room was so full, I barely registered my DH sitting in a chair against the wall.  He was rocking back and forth...I don't remember if he was crying or not.  I asked if I could hold her head and sing to her, they said yes.  So I went to the head of the bed and stroked her curls, they were still a bit damp from the water, her eyes were reddish, they didn't look right, they looked like a babydolls eyes.  I sang the song I wrote for her. 

I remember asking if that was her heart when I looked at the monitor, the nurse said that is us pumping it for her.  And I knew.  Then they stopped and the monitor stopped going up and down it went flat and all the alarms went off.  They said there was nothing they could do.  The doctor didn't say her time of death out loud.  He wrote it down. 

DH fell out of his chair, I ran out of the room.  I went to the family waiting area and I think I collapsed.  I remember screaming.  I don't remember when DH came back out, I remember him being in there when they let me hold her.  She was so heavy.  Her hair was dry by then.  I cried, and cried and cried and I sang to her again. 

Of all the times I held her, that is the one that I can still feel her in my arms.  That is the one that I remember with all of my senses. 

In the waiting room (it was a closed family room) the wall was green, I thought that they should have put a pretty color in there if it was such a depressing room.  I remember making the choice to stay with my husband.  I remember looking at him with his head in his hands and making the choice to stay, that my love for him had to be greater than this pain.  I was right, even if I don't think I had actually grasped how much pain I was going to go through over the next few days, weeks, months, years....I never imagined that it would reach me this far out....

Today I am stunned by the ammount of love and pain I still feel for this little girl.  I don't feel strong, I don't feel inspirational or special, I don't even feel like a good person.  I feel like I am broken and just keep adding scotch tape to hold myself together.

jlcrhw

I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. I do not really have any advice. I just wanted to give you Huge Hugs.

karebear57

I am so sorry! (((Hugs))) You are a strong mommy, a wonderful person! I know every loss is hard and sad,and I do miss my lil girl so much it hurts, but if I lost one of my boys...idk if I'd be a functional human anymore. I wish you the best today and everyday. I just know Kamryn loves you so much and she knows how great of a mom you are, to her and her little brother. ((Hugs)) It doesn't matter how long ago your loss was, or how old your baby was, you will always miss your baby. Here's more (((Hugs))) I truly am sorry!

careyalis

Thinking of you and Kam today and always. Lots of love and prayers coming your way. Big huge hugs!

LoveOfMikesLife

((hugs)) my story is different as you know but that "held together with tape and glue" is an all to familiar feeling. Today is a day that you don't have to be strong, you don't have to be inspirational. You just are a grieving mother. 4 years later or not. It's always going to hurt and it will never go away. 

 

Big hugs!!! 

Petunia844

I just wish I could give you a real hug.  So much love coming to you and Kam today.  If only I could offer you more.

krysiahamaty

Thinking of you today. My heart breaks for you and I am crying for you. No matter how much time passes, the pain is heavy. Huge hugs.

weddedwife

Sending lots and lots of love your way today. Thank you for sharing your story, always. I know the pain never goes away. I know you don't feel strong but I do believe there's value in sharing your story and telling us about your sweet baby girl. I've never met you IRL, and I never met Kamryn but I know how much she was and is loved.

Mrs Nice

There is so much pain because there is so much love. That will never change or go away. I have been thinking of you and Kam all day. Many hugs to you.

Kris721

(((hugs))). Thinking of your family.  

Bayberry12

Petunia844:

I just wish I could give you a real hug.  So much love coming to you and Kam today.  If only I could offer you more.

I feel the same way.  Thank you for sharing your story, and being so open.  

Heatherhah

Thinking of you and Kam as always!!!

jbranden12

Thank you for sharing your story. Sending peace to you and your family today and always.

soontobeka

I do not post often over here but you are in my prayers.

ally2011

Lydsey, I am so sorry for your loss and pain this week.  Your sweet daughter is in perfect peace with our Lord and you will see her again.  I know that does not take away your pain right now, but I hope it gives you some truth you can cling to.  Our human nature wants our children here, and it can be suffocating to not be able to make that happen.  I wish I had words that could ease your pain this week, but just know that I am always here if you need a friend.

Hugs,

Jenn