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Totally lost it last night

I don't know if it is just normal hormones from CD1, or if the progesterone supplements made me crazy, but I completely lost it last night. We were watching a documentary from Werner Herzog about death row - it focused on a story in Texas about two guys charged with murder, one was on death row and the other got 40 years. 

Anyway, the guy who is in jail for 40 years ended up getting married to some chick (I never understood how they met while he was in jail). They got married when he was in jail, too. Well, they wanted to have kids, but they can't have sex. Somehow she ended up pregnant with his kid. 

I try not to get all "Why not meeee?! Waaaahh waaaahh", but hearing a story like this really breaks me. Sometimes I can't help but think, why is it that this woman can illegally smuggle sperm/semen from a man in jail that she can't really touch and find a doctor (presumably) that will carry out an IUI.......and then actually have a successful pregnancy? WTF is that?! 

Rant over, but seriously, it pissed me off. I just started bawling crying for about 2 minutes, then abruptly stopped. I think DH kinda looked at me out of the corner of his eye and pretended like that craziness didn't happen!  

Married since 2008 | TTC #1 since 2011

2 losses: Nov '11 and Aug '12
Dx: Feb '13 - HSG shows clear tubes but minor diverticulitis; Borderline DOR; Low DHEA and low testosterone.
Moving on to IUI or IVF.

3.4.13:  Holy crap! Surprise natural BFP on cycle #19. EDD 11.12.13
We've got a peen.....it's a boy! 
Little man born 11.17.2013 via c-section


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Re: Totally lost it last night

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    I'm sorry that hit a big nerve with you and made you so upset. It sucks.

    FWIW I am a huge crier and sob like a big baby at just about anything. My H regularly makes fun of me for crying-- thankfully dealing with TTC is the only thing he *doesn't* make fun of me for when I cry, and instead tries to offer support.

    Sometimes you just have to let the craziness happen- hang in there!

    TTC from May 2011 to Jan 2013. Due 9/11/13
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    I'm so sorry you broke down, Svenny.  Everyone is entitled to a meltdown every now and again and I personally believe it's ok to ask "why me".  In fact, I was just doing the same thing yesterday!  I can completely understand what you're going through.  If you ever want to talk, I'm just a PM away.  Hope you are doing better now.  *hugs*
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    Blame it on the progesterone! I was a mess every month when I stopped. DH told me I should only watch sports during that time so I wouldn't cry. Too bad commercials like the humane society ruined even that option! Hugs for you!
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    TTC since 3/2011 Adenomyosis, LPD, hypothyroidism. 
    BFP on 7/20/12 after 4 cycles Clomid + IUI 
    2 large subchorionic hematomas & no heartbeat at 7w6d   
    D&E 8/18/12 Sonohysterography found septum and necrotic tissue.   
    Hysteroscopy to remove both 10/5
    IUI #5-7 50mg Clomid + trigger = BFN  
    IUI #8 Femara + Bravelle + HCG + Progesterone = BFP 3/27/13
    Beta 1 (13dpo) = 169  Beta 2 (17dpo) = 1073  No heartbeat at 9w3d. 
    D & C 5/10/13  Triploidy 69 (paternal inherited)
    IVF #1 with ICSI and PGS 11R 8M 5F 2 biopsied/frozen
    PGS results = 1 with trisomy 13 & 1 good embryo for FET 
    FET #1 EV, estrace, nitro patches.  Cancelled due to thin lining
    FET #1.2 oral estrace, f'ing nitro patches and no delestrogen.  Transfer 12/31. BFN
    PAIF/SAIF welcome
    Surprise BFP on 6/13/14  Our only unmedicated bfp ever.
    Beta #1 339  Beta #2 649 44 hour doubling time
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    I would have totally been all "WTF, even she gets KU?!" if I saw that.  Sorry you had a melt down.  

    TTC since July 2009. Dx MFI & LPD. 
    IUI#1&2&3 (2011 & 2012) BFN
    IUI#4 1/23/13 on 75iu x9 Follistim = BFP then chem preg m/c (Feb 2013)
    IUI#5 BFN (April 2013)
    IVF w/ICSI Oct. 2, 2012 - 13R, 11M, 7F, 1 frozen blast 4BB grade - - - FET Nov 15, 2013
    BFP! Beta 1:104 @ 10dp6dt, Beta 2:178 @ 12dp6dt,  beta 3:366 @ 14dp6dt
    Saw heartbeat twice before missed M/C at 8w3d on 12/27/13, missing my little angel boy
    JUNE 2014 IVF#2;  5R, 2M, 1F Three day transfer 6/7.  Beta 6/18 - BFN
    Child Free Now?
    S/PAIFW , S/PALW

    My Blog

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    Ugh that sucks...I'm sorry you had a meltdown, I would have too. IF totally sucks. I feel like I have a breakdown at least once a week and anything sets me off. hugs
    Oct 13 April Siggy: Bunnies
    The 33 Most Important Bunny GIFs On The Internet


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    DS born on 9/30/13 from IVF #1.2!
      Lilypie - (xNS5)
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    Progesterone makes me more crazy than clomid did.  I'm really sorry you had a meltdown but it probably served you well.  Sending you hugs.
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    I totally get it. I'm also a big time crier and probably would have been sobbing right next to you!
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    I am so sorry you're feeling down :(
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    Svenny1011, I'm sorry you had a bad night. I hope it makes you feel better to know that you brought a smile to me, when I read the hilarious ecard in your signature! Thank you! Big Smile

    imageimageimageimageimageimageimageimage
    My BLOG: www.ivfbabyquest.wordpress.com -Update - old blog.

    PAIF/SAIF Welcome!
    Me: 42, Hubby: 35, TTC since Jan 2010. Dx: DOR due to advanced maternal age. Also: Hypothyroidism (100mcg Levothyroxin). Positive for MTHFR (hetero-C677T), Factor V Leiden, and Fragile X (on DH side). Taking pre-natal vitamins
    .
    First natural PG 9/27/11; mc: 1/20/12

    First RE visit: 8/8/12, Saline Sonogram: 8/28/12, IVF injection class: 10/11/12, add FaBB Tab for FVL, +Vitamin D.
    IVF #1: 10/17/12 Baseline: FSH- 9.4, E2- 24, LH- 3.7, Prog- 0.3 The u/s showed 6 follicles in my right  & 9 in my left. Rx: 150 Bravelle & 150 Menopur SQ nightly. 10/21/12: Add Ganirelix SQ every morning.
    ER 10/28/12: 13 Retreived. 7 Mature. 6 Fertilized. 5 Made it to PGS. ET 11/2/12: CANCELED. All 5 came back from PGS as having "severe abnormalities."
    IVF #2: 1/7/13 Baseline: FSH- 8.8, 4 follicles in my right & 6 in my left. Rx: 150 Bravelle & 150 Menopur SQ nightly. 1/11/13: Add Ganirelix SQ every morning. hCG Trigger 1/16/13

    ER 1/18/13: 9 Retrieved. 5 Mature. 5 Fertilized. 2 Made it to PGS. ET 1/23/13: CANCELED. All embryos (he even sent the ones not growing) came back from PGS as having "multiple severe abnormalities."
    IVF #3:
    NEW RE! 3/1/13 Baseline: FSH- 9.6, E2- 61, Prog- 0.94, 3 follicles in my right & 4 in my left. Rx: 150 Bravelle& 150 Menopur SQ in PM. 3/7/13: Add Ganirelix SQ in AM. hCG Trigger 3/9/13 SQ.
    ER 3/11/13: 6R, 2M, 2F. Day 3: one 8 cell, grade 0.  Five day ET 3/16/13: one early blast, grade Fair. 3/24/13 AF came a day before beta. BFN

    IVF #4: 
    (Added acupuncture to this cycle.) 3/25/13 WTF & Baseline: FSH-11.8, E2- 56, Prog- 0.84 3/26/13 Start stims. 3/30/13 u/s: 5 follicles in my right & 4 in my left. Rx: 225 Bravelle& 225 Menopur SQ in PM. 3/31/13 Add Ganirelix SQ in AM.hCG Trigger 4/3/13 SQ.
    ER 4/5/13: 5R, 3M, 3F naturally. Day 3: two 8 cell, grade 0, one 8 cell, grade 2 (Scale 0-best to 3-worst). Five day ET 4/10/13: two blastocysts (the 3rd stopped growing.) Beta 4/18/13: 2.5 BFFN. RE recommends we stop trying and focus on living childless, due to the extremely poor quality of my eggs.
    ***Decided to stop trying and live CFNBC. I couldn't adjust. So, six months later...

    IVF #5: Changed RE. Going to one of the big name clinics now. OWDU: 10/29/13. Update: HORRIBLE experience. Disgusted and distraught at their complete unprofessionalism and how much money and precious time they cost us. Sickening. Have now changed RE again. New Patient appt. 1/30/14.
    BFP! Out of nowhere, I got KU the old fashioned way! POAS 1/26/14 - Positive! FDLM 12/30/13. Beta #1 16dpo= 373. Beta #2 18dpo= 801. EDD 10/6/14
    2/4/14 1st U/S revealed a 5wk2day sac but no fetal pole. Started 200mgs of progesterone suppositories daily
    2/11/14 2nd U/S revealed a perfect 6wk1day "diamond ring" embryo with a beating heart! 138bpm! Add 1mg folic acid and 40mg Lovenox
    2/25/14 3rd U/S: perfect 8w1d embryo, 178bpm. 3/6 start spotting. 3/11 10w1d U/S shows no heartbeat. Scheduling D&C. The Stork has forsaken me again.
    IVF #5.2: New in-state RE. Supplement priming for 1.5 cycles prior to start of cycle, including DHEA 50mg (stopped 5/15), CoQ10 200mg 2x/day, L-Arginine- 1000mg 2x/day (stopped 6/5 due to cold sore!), myo-inositol- 2g 2x/day, melatonin- 3mg, and Neevo (prenatal for MTHFR).
    5/16/14 Day 2 bw cycle prior: FSH- 12.22, E2- 38.37, Prog- 1.35, LH- 9.46. 6/2/14 Day 19 bw: Prog- 23
    6/12/14 Baseline: E2- 122.7, Prog- 0.4. 5 follicles in left, 4 follicles in right. Start stims: 375IU Follistim & 150IU Menopur. 6/19 Increase Follistim to 425IU, Menopur still 150IU. 6/18 add Ganirelix. 6/23 Ovidrel trigger SQ. 6/25 ER: 8R, 8M, 5F naturally. Start Medrol & Doxy. 6/26 Start Endometrin. 7/2 Start Lovenox.
    7/8/14 Beta= 137.4 BFP!!! (My first from IVF!) E2- 1109, Prog- >60. Stop CoQ10, myo-inositol, and melatonin. 7/9 2nd Beta= 281.4. TSH- 2.70. Increasing Synthroid to 100mcg daily. 7/24 6w3d u/s measured 6w3d, hb: 121bmp! 8/5 8w1d u/s measured 8w3d, hb: 164bpm! Graduated from RE to OB. Now I just need to find an OB!
    EDD 3/18/15!

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    I totally understand - I have to deal with parents at work who are mandated by the court or social services to take parenting classes.  When they do come in, sometimes they are under the influence of something.  They often lie and try and make every excuse to not complete the class, then call freaking out because their court date is tomorrow and they need something ASAP.  It takes every fiber of my being not to yell at them and say "if you don't care, give me your child!"  It just all seems so unfair sometimes....

    TTC #1 Since 7/2011

    Me: 30, PCOS with anovulation
    DH: 38, Low Morph & DE
    Rx: Metformin 500mg

    Cycle #1: Clomid 100mg + Ovidrel = No Response, Canceled
    Cycle #2: Clomid 150mg + Ovidrel = No Response, Canceled
    Cycle #3: Clomid 150mg + Follistim + Ovidrel = No response, Canceled

    Cycle #4: Femara 7.5mg + Gonal-f + Ovidrel + IUI = BFP!!!!

     

    ~ EDD 03.26.14 ~

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    Gives biggest hugs!!! I totally understand about the meltdown. I am with KK, I think it is totally ok and normal to have them. I had a moment of why the hell me the other day. We are all human!!!

    Always here for ya if ya need to vent!!!! <3

    Married BF 6/29/2002/
    TTC Since Aug 2011/
    ME:34 all clear/DH:41 DX Severe MFI/
    IVF w/ICSI OCT 2012 Stims started 10/8/ER 10/19/12/ET 10/24/Beta#1 11/2=BFN (beta was 1.2)

    IVF 2.0-Baseline 11/7/12 beta 0/All Clear
    Stim start 11/7/12//ER 11/19 11M//10F
    ET 2 embies 11/24//Beta#1 28 Beta #2 23 Beta#3 29
    stop meds Beta#4 37/C/P 5W5D EDD:8/12/13/IVF#3 in Jan

    Ivf 3-frozen 3 poor 3day/fet=bfn

    Ivf#4 New dr. New protocol=beta1 197 beta#2 677 beta#3 1557
     u/s 8/13 =TWINS 2 strong hb
    Due Date 4/4/14

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    My Chart//>
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    I'm so sorry. :(

    Isn't it funny to think about the enormous things that we can endure in silence, and then something almost absurd will make us break down? It's like it just builds up, and then something small is the straw that broke the camel's back. And our Hs look at us like we're crazy. :)

    But I think it's healthy to let it out now and then. You deserve a good cry, no matter what triggered it. Hang in there. Sending you some {{hugs}} svenny!

    *** Trigger Warnings ***

    TTC #1 since March 2011
    Dx = Unexplained IF
    1 medicated TI cycle & 4 clomid IUIs = all BFNs
    June 2013 IVF #1 = 6 frosties + BFP!
    DS1 born 2/14

    TTC #2 since December 2014
    May 2015 unassisted BFP ended in m/c at 7wks
    April 2016 FET #1 = BFN
    June 2016 FET #2 = c/p
    August 2016 FET #3 = BFP!
    DS2 born 4/17
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    :( So sorry. **Hugs**
    Anniversary
     image
    My Blog!
    TTC #1 since 11/1/2011
    Me: 28 DH: 29
    DX: Hypothyroidism (2004) & Possible PCOS (2/2012)
    CD3 b/w: Elevated LH:FSH ratio HSG: All clear! Y-shaped Uterus; SA: Normal
    Round 1 of Clomid (50mg) 8/28-9/1: BFP!
    BFP #1: 9/23/12 Edd: 6/4/2013. M/C 9/28/12 @ 4w4d
    Round 2 of Clomid (100mg) 10/3-10/7: BFP!
    BFP #2: 11/3/12 Edd: 7/16/2013. mmc discovered at 18w2d (our baby girl stopped developing at 15w3d due to Down's Syndrome). d&e 2/15/13
    3/28/13: "quite a few" uterine polyps and scar tissue discovered.
    Hysteroscopy (4/16/13): Polyps, Scar Tissue removed. Septate confirmed & removed.
    Appt with new RE 5/30/13
    Surprise BFP (with no treatment!) 6/30/13
    Our perfect little boy was born 3/11/14 - 9lbs 2oz, 21 1/4"

    image
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    I'm so, so sorry. (((hugs)))
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    My Age - 41, DH's Age - 42

    TTC #1 since November 2011
    Dx: Endometriosis, Stenosis of the Cervix, Uterine Polyp, Hostile CM and Borderline PCOS
    Stage 1 Endo and Uterine Polyp removed and Cervix widened on July 9, 2012.
    IUI #1 Clomid 50 mg - 3/6/13 BFN
    IUI #2 Clomid 50 mg - 4/3/13 BFN
    IUI #3 Clomid 50 mg - 10/4/13 BFN
    IUI #4 Clomid 100 mg + HCG trigger - 11/2/13 BFN
    Cycle #28 - Clomid 100 mg + HCG trigger + TI (IUI #5 cancelled) - 2/5/14 BFN
    IUI #5 Clomid 100 mg + HCG trigger - 3/5/14 BFN

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    Thanks ladies! Sometimes I feel irrational and then realize that it is totally ok. I mean, it isn't like this is easy! I'm just glad it lasted for 2 min and not longer! Darn you progesterone!
    Married since 2008 | TTC #1 since 2011

    2 losses: Nov '11 and Aug '12
    Dx: Feb '13 - HSG shows clear tubes but minor diverticulitis; Borderline DOR; Low DHEA and low testosterone.
    Moving on to IUI or IVF.

    3.4.13:  Holy crap! Surprise natural BFP on cycle #19. EDD 11.12.13
    We've got a peen.....it's a boy! 
    Little man born 11.17.2013 via c-section


    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

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    I hear ya!  I have been getting cases of the "why her/them and why not me/us?" lately.  And then I go on in my head to list reasons why we are better suited to have a child, etc.  But sadly it doesn't work that way and I need to remind myself that just because they got pregnant it doesn't make my chances less.
    imageimage



    TTC #1** Went off BCP July 2011

    Me: 31 DH:31


    Jan 2012 Dx PCOS by OB/Gyn


    July 2012 - Tests with RE confirmed PCOS and annovulation

    2 rounds of clomid, 5 IUI's using clomid + injectibles. 

    Surprise BFP while on break cycle due to cysts.  It's a girl! Baby "E" born on Thanksgiving Day 11/28/13


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