2 yr meeting with birthparents this weekend

francophonia

DD just turned 2, and so her 2 year meeting with her birth parents is coming up. BF has never met DD. BF and BM had a very tumultuous relationship, and they were so angry at each other than BF didn't show up at the hospital for her birth, nor did he visit her when she was in the NICU. Within the past few months, BM and BF have reunited, and BM wanted BF to come to the  2yr meeting.

My initial reaction was "no" but the wife and I thought about it for a while. My initial reaction was "He didn't want to see her when she was born or when she was sick, so why should he want to see her now?" But he's still my daughter's BF, and it would be heartless to tell him he could never meet his daughter.

The meeting is this Saturday. I'm very nervous about it. BF and BM do not have a healthy relationship, and BF has a history with hard drugs (alcohol and crack), so I'm worried about how he'll behave. I also don't want him to ruin the meeting for BM, so I'm trying to prepare for the worst without expecting it. If his behavior is not appropriate, we'll probably end the meeting early and reschedule another one for just BM (I don't want her to suffer for his behavior anymore than she already does). I'm debating bringing pepper spray, since BM has alluded to some physical outbursts in the past, but I'm worried that might be overkill.

Foster1Mom

Hopefully it goes a lot more smooth than you anticipate.

Do you know if he is clean right now ? 

 

francophonia

Foster1Mom:

Hopefully it goes a lot more smooth than you anticipate.

Do you know if he is clean right now ? 

 

 BM says he's clean, but she never admitted his drug abuse to anyone.

silliestbunny

IMO you are doing the right thing..... if he acts out, you'll know that this may not be an option in the future but you'll always be able to tell DD that you tried to foster a relationship.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

elissaann26

If things start to go south in the meeting, maybe one of you could take DD aside and have the other clarify some ground rules.  This way everyone could re-group and you could give a gentle warning.  That way if things continue to go poorly you know they had the opportunity to turn it around.

I always err on the side of caution, so I'd be bringing pepper spray!  But I hope things go smoothly!  You know, prepare for the worst and hope for the best!  GL!

kmkaull2

Well I think you're doing the right thing by allowing him to visit with her.  How could you ever tell your DD that her birth father wanted to visit, but you kept him away?  Think of it that way to be positive.

As for the actual meeting, keep it short and sweet in a public place.  Take some pictures, have some ice cream, and give hugs goodbye.  If he acts up, just leave.  Good luck.  I hope it all goes well!

DaisyZH

I think it sounds like you have a good plan, go into it with an open mind and hope for the best but prepare for the worst.  I think it's really nice that you are being so careful not to penalize BM for any potential issues with BF.  Good luck and let us know how it goes, thoughts and prayers for all of you!!