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June 2011 Moms
butterfly62682
member
Would you allow another man besides DH... Long & Ventish
butterfly62682
member
to watch your child alone? Especially your daughter?
I had my yearly appt today with my OB/Gyn and I asked MIL to watch Avery for me. I asked her last week which would have given her plenty of time to get what she needed to get done. She said yes.
Well this morning comes along and I text her to see if I needed to drop Avery off at their house or at her work (she owns her own business). She texts me back and says work because she has a lot to do. Right before I get ready to leave she calls me. She tells me that there is no way she can watch Avery because she is just so covered up with work. There is just no way but that my FIL could watch Avery at home if I wanted him too.
(Back story, SIL & BIL and their two kids live with MIL & FIL. MIL has been getting "stuck" caring for the oldest boy (2 yo) a lot because SIL is busy with her 10 week old. That vent is another story for another time)
Okay so I trust my FIL, I think he is a great man. I know he is capable of watching Avery. All that being said, I would never allow him to watch my baby by himself. Especially my girl. Diaper changes would be too weird for me. I don't ever think FIL would do anything inappropriate but why even open up the opportunity for anything to happen? I have always been the one to avoid making situations like this. Am I wrong to feel this way? (Like I said, I don't think FIL would ever, ever do anything inappropriate. I would just rather be safe, than sorry.)
I wouldn't care much if he watch my 11 year old. She can do all her business without any help from anyone.
So my question... would you allow another man besides DH to watch your baby, especially your daughter?
~ Cassie ~
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Would you allow another man besides DH... Long & Ventish
my FIL watches J and will watch M when she arrives and i go back to work. my BIL also watches J and will watch M. my DH works in child care and i know several men who work with children.
at the end of the day it's what you're comfortable with, though.
I don't think you are wrong. I am very cautious like this too. DH is the only man that changes her. If my Dad was comfortable with it I would be fine with that too but the need hasn't arisen. That's it though. You just.never.know,
Wanted to add. It's not that my Dad isn't comfortable. He's just intimidated that he won't do it right, with the cloth or a poop or whatever, lol. He changed me!
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I absolutely would, if it was a man I knew and trusted. A woman could molest your DD as easily as a man could. Do you not let your husband do diaper changes because it's strange?
Yep.
I would totally trust my dad, FIL, brother and probably BIL to watch C alone. There are other men I would trust to watch her alone as well but to keep it simple the situation you are in wouldn't bother me at all.
Yes, of course I would let her grandfather watch her alone. I wouldn't rule out having a male babysitter that I knew well and trusted too.
If you have a son, are you not going to let MIL watch him alone?
FIL has watched DS alone once or twice. I prefer to have both grandparents around for babysitting but that's because DS is everywhere and it's nice when there's another person around to give you a break!
MIL and my mom change DS when they're babysitting, as does SIL. The grandfathers/uncles don't because they either don't want to or aren't confident enough to. It has nothing to do with boy, girl, etc.
BFP#1: 01/10, M/C 6w
BFP#2: 06/10, M/C 5w
BFP#3: 09/10, DS born June 1, 2011
BFP#4: 07/12, M/C 5w3d
BFP#5: 12/12, EDD 08/18/13
My Blog: Decorate This
For me, it has nothing to do with the gender of the sitter, but how much I trust the person. Yes. I would trust my FIL to watch Audrey all by himself. I would also trust my dad, and a few other close male friends/family. I personally don't see the big deal so long as I trust them.
Worrying about diaper changes being done by a man simply sexualizes something that should not be sexualised, imo.
I know that it's a scary world out there and there are lots of wackos out there. That's why it is important to feel confident in those you leave your baby with--regardless of their gender.
No. He changes her. I guess it's just my comfort level. And yes I know a woman could molest her just as easily. Maybe it was the way I was raised. I would not feel comfortable with a man watching my child at a child care center either.
When you mentioned another man besides DH in the subject, I was thinking of a male sitter. I would never have a problem with my father or FIL, brothers or brothers in law caring for my kids. My FIL watched all 8 of his grandkids at one point or another (boys and girls) and was actually much better at it than my MIL.
. My Dad was not in good health when his grandkids came along but no hesitation if he were physically capable (hell, he had 5 of us kids!). I never thought of this topic since neither one of our dads are alive however my brothers all have children so it's one of a million diaper changes they have done.
Would you feel uncomfortable if your MIL or SIL watched a boy? My sister and SILs changed DS in his diaper days. Follow your level of comfort of course but no, i would not feel odd in this situation.
Maybe this is where I am having the hang up. I would never think twice if I had a boy and I know that they are victimized as much as a girl. Hmmm... I guess I should do some searching within myself on why this bothers me. See I like coming here because it allows me to find a new perspective. Thanks for all your input ladies.
really? most have extensive background checks ect and are rarely left one on one with any child... is this different than having a male teacher or coach? not trying attack you, just trying to understand...
I don't feel attacked. The only thing I can come up with as to why I feel this way is because I never had a male caretaker. My father was never around and we only saw my grandparents twice a year during the summer and Christmas. It was always my mom, brother, and I.
Absolutely, my FIL watched my LO for a whole week earlier this summer when our daycare was closed. He watches my niece sometimes too, and does diaper changes.
Our DC is at a Methodist church and there are several male teachers/ assistants (all of which also happen to be gay). Mr. David was the full time assitant in Jamey's class for the summer and changed PLENTY of diapers all day long and I never even thought twice about it. All of the male teachers at our DC are amazing with the kids and Jamey really loves them. I would feel totally comfortable with the any of them being alone with Jamey. Many of the teachers at our DC also babysit and if any of the male teachers were on the babysitting list I would be happy to have them in my home. I don't have a daughter but if I did I don't think I would feel differently. And I don't imagine that I would have a problem with my FIL watching my daughter either. But I realize it's different for everybody.
I would NEVER EVER dream of letting DHs dad do it but that's for other reasons than him maybe being uncomfortable with him changing a diaper. Really if he wasn't BS crazy I wouldnt have an issue.
I do trust him. I don't think he would ever hurt my children. Like I said in an earlier post, maybe it's because I never had a male caretaker (or a dad really). And that is the reason I am uncomfortable with them.
FIL, BIL, best friends DH, any man I'm close with that I know knows how to take care of a child I'd let watch any kids of mine. If I trust the person I don't see why their gender and my kids gender should have anything to do with that.
I don't have a DD and maybe things will be different when I do, but honestly I don't think I'll feel any differently.
FIL watches DD every Friday. While it is not my favorite thing, I know she is safe with him. I don't love it because of stupid things he does, not because of fear of something happening. For example (here comes my vent lo) he lets her play on his 22 steps, that lead to his tile floor. My uncle fell down steps and died instantly, not something I want my daughter playing on. Once he had her play naked, no diaper even, on his garage floor in a bucket of water. Mostly irritates me because why couldn't she play in her diaper? And he cleans his garage floor with gasoline... she shouldn't be playing on it at all. I send snacks with her and found out he was giving her 1 nilla waffer for a snack so she wouldn't ruin her dinner and she was coming home starving. He can't leave her alone for 2 secs so she comes home over stimulated. He has started to feed her in a diaper and bathe her after. And many many other ridiculous things. I could go on forever. A one time thing I would have no issues but I am doing my best to become a stay at home mommy so FIL will not be watching 2 of my children!
Wow more of a vent than I anticipated, and I had to cut myself off. Sorry!!!
This exactly. I don't see the difference between man or woman, as long as it's someone you trust.
Wow, that doesn't sound safe at all!
I am a sahm, so LO isn't really without me very often. Obviously, dh changes her all the time and watches her while I run errands. However, we don't really have a babysitter. If I need a babysitter, I ask my mom, and I'm completely comfortable with her changing LO. I also trust my sister, who has a lot of common sense, but have only asked her once. I have never asked my brother or dad to watch her alone. It's not that I think they would ever harm LO or touch her inappropriately, I just don't have much need for babysitters to begin with, and if I do need one, would prefer my mom.
I think my hang up is having my child be ALONE with a babysitter. I would trust a daycare worker, because other people are all around. I would also trust a set of family members, regardless of their gender, because others would be around. I get nervous when it's a one-on-one type of situation.
Like I said, I know a boy who was molested by his own cousin, so I don't think I would feel differently if I had a son.
I am glad I am not the only one like this. I started to feel like I was crazy for the way I felt. We don't have babysitters either. DH and I have been out on one date alone since Avery was born and that was my Christmas party last year. I sah with Avery, so like you I don't often need a babysitter.
While I know that how I feel might not be very rational, after thinking on it all day long, I still feel the same way. As I have said previously, it could be because I never had a male caretaker growing up. My father wasn't around and my grandparents (both sides) lived in other states. It was always the three of us (my mom, brother, and I) My mom would have never left us alone with any male (my brother nor I), she always just took us with her. I called and talked to her this afternoon about all of this. I think I feel this way also, because of the way I was raised.
I wouldn't feel right with my brother watching my girl by himself. If he were doing it with my SIL there, that would make it okay for me. Once Avery is completely potty trained, I will probably feel a little differently. I don't know if I will have the same hang ups with any boy I may have. I was like this with my oldest. I would not leave her with DH (he is not her father) when we were dating and living together. Not because I didn't trust him, I trust him with our lives, but because I didn't feel it was appropriate. And I think that is where it is for me above anything else. I don't really think that it's because I don't trust a person or not, I just don't feel it is appropriate for me.
Every person is different and may feel totally different than me. I just know that unless it was an emergency or could not be avoided, I wouldn't leave Avery with any male other than her father.
Like PP said, most molestation cases are done by a close family member or friend. I think I will stick with not taking any chances either way. This is my complete and honest opinion for my family. I don't judge anyone who feels differently from me and I hope no one judges me for the way I feel about this myself.
Part of my reasoning is because I was molested by a family friend for years growing up. It has made me very cautious now. You can really never be too careful... I am probably a little paranoid about it now but I would seriously KILL someone if that ever happened to my baby.
So sorry for your experience. Absolutely horrible.
You are very brave to speak about it! Thanks for sharing.
This. When I read the title I thought you were talking about a casual friend (or your MIL's friend). If I had no issues with my FIL I would let him watch my daughter (sidebar, FIL has dementia which is why I wouldn't let him watch the kids), my MIL has taken my boys away for long weekends by herself and I didn't think twice.
Thank you. It was when I was 7-9. I had a really rough time emotionally for a long while after (coming into the age of puberty and boys were interested in me, ect) but I went through lots of therapy and it doesnt affect me anymore. I will make sure with every ounce of my being and to the best of my ability that it doesnt happen to my daughter though. If that means only family watches her then so be it.
Thank you for sharing. So sorry this happened to you. I would also kill someone if it happened to my babies.
Yes. I would allow my FIL and dad to watch the girls without question. I trust them both completely.
I know that the issue has already been raised, but a woman is just as capable of molesting a child. I was molested by a woman at daycare when I was 3-4. For a while, I wouldn't let anyone watch the girls alone except for DH and my mom. I obviously had some serious trust issues I had to work out, and have been working on it, and I can leave them now without that fear. I used to feel like if you can't trust a woman to watch your children, who can you? I had to realize that gender doesn't make someone a good or bad caregiver.
I am so so sorry you have both experienced this.
I'm so sorry as well. Thank you both for sharing.
You sound a little overly paranoid. I mean he raised 2 children himself...including a girl (if I understood your post correctly). And there would be a hint if he was inappropriate with a her....like they wouldn't be living with them now!
maybe that's my thing. I know of way too many people who were molested...
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