1st Trimester

How to tell an estranged parent?

My husband and I just found out we are expecting and were too excited to wait to tell our immediate families so we let them all know this weekend. The big problem is that my husband has been estranged from his father for almost a year now. Big nasty fight around Thanksgiving and there is no sign that anyone wants to talk. We asked my husband's sister to tell their father when we told her as they were together at that point and she did not feel comfortable doing so. Do I reach out to my step-mother in law and tell her? Do I just wait for them to find out through the grapevine? We aren't even sure if we want them involved in the baby's life at this point given his extremely hurtful comments about our family and general negative attitude. Any and all help is appreciated.
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Re: How to tell an estranged parent?

  • imageamcongdon:
    My husband and I just found out we are expecting and were too excited to wait to tell our immediate families so we let them all know this weekend. The big problem is that my husband has been estranged from his father for almost a year now. Big nasty fight around Thanksgiving and there is no sign that anyone wants to talk. We asked my husband's sister to tell their father when we told her as they were together at that point and she did not feel comfortable doing so. Do I reach out to my stepmother in law and tell her? Do I just wait for them to find out through the grapevine? We aren't even sure if we want them involved in the baby's life at this point given his extremely hurtful comments about our family and general negative attitude. Any and all help is appreciated.


    I would let them find out through the grapevine.


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  • Honestly, I wouldn't let them find out through the grapevine. I was estranged from my dad, and shared the information with him personally. We are using this as a healing experience and patching our relationship.

    Be the bigger person, share the info personally, even if just in a card. :) 

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  • imageDaenaria:

    Honestly, I wouldn't let them find out through the grapevine. I was estranged from my dad, and shared the information with him personally. We are using this as a healing experience and patching our relationship.

    Be the bigger person, share the info personally, even if just in a card. :) 

    Love this!!! 

  • imageamcongdon:
    My husband and I just found out we are expecting and were too excited to wait to tell our immediate families so we let them all know this weekend. The big problem is that my husband has been estranged from his father for almost a year now. Big nasty fight around Thanksgiving and there is no sign that anyone wants to talk. We asked my husband's sister to tell their father when we told her as they were together at that point and she did not feel comfortable doing so. Do I reach out to my step-mother in law and tell her? Do I just wait for them to find out through the grapevine? We aren't even sure if we want them involved in the baby's life at this point given his extremely hurtful comments about our family and general negative attitude. Any and all help is appreciated.

    I don't see a reason to share your good news. Congrats on the pregnancy!

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  • imagejennery:

    You/your husband know him best. If you think it would be a negative experience telling him, let him find out through the grapevine. If you think it might help the relationship, tell him.

    Personally, I'd go with your gut instinct (or your hub's gut instinct) on this one.

    This. My FIL has always been a very negative, hurtful, abusive person in our lives. We are not telling him b/c we have no intention of having him be a part of it. But I feel like no one knows the details like us (or in your case, you) and you need to trust your gut. Good luck! 

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  • My husband is estranged from his parents and a few siblings. While we told some of them, we have no intention of telling those that we don't have a relationship with. I'm sure they will hear thru other relatives. Its a sad situation, but it is what it is.
  • imagejennery:

    You/your husband know him best. If you think it would be a negative experience telling him, let him find out through the grapevine. If you think it might help the relationship, tell him.

    Personally, I'd go with your gut instinct (or your hub's gut instinct) on this one.

    This. You and your DH know your family best. It's how you feel you should tell.

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  • Why bother? If you are estranged and see it staying that way, then don't worry about it. If you are hoping to mend the relationship, then call or email the news to him.
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  • IMO, this is kind of a big deal, so I would just send an email and say, FYI, but we aren't expecting anything. Since its only estrangement from FIL, I'm guessing you guys will still have some interaction even through other family members. I do think sometimes you have to be the bigger person as much as it stinks. FWIW, we are going through something similar with DH's parents. We are going to email nd just say btw...so you didn't just find out via FB, because I know that will only make things worse.  If its a matter of true abuse (violence, alcohol, etc.) and you don't EVER expect to see him again obviously that is different, but it doesn't seem quite to that point from your post. Good luck. It's a crappy situation.

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  • imageDaenaria:

    Honestly, I wouldn't let them find out through the grapevine. I was estranged from my dad, and shared the information with him personally. We are using this as a healing experience and patching our relationship.

    Be the bigger person, share the info personally, even if just in a card. :) 

    I tend to agree with this, particularly since the estrangement is recent, but it really depends on what was said and how serious you are long term about him having no part in your life.   Ultimately the decision is up to your husband as it is his father, but not putting the ball in his court so to speak by letting them/him know could be it....permanently.


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  • imageLissa832:
    Why bother? If you are estranged and see it staying that way, then don't worry about it. If you are hoping to mend the relationship, then call or email the news to him.

    This.  I last saw my bio-father 1 year before getting pg with my twins.  I don't ever plan on having him in our lives.  I didn't tell him, but I think he did find out a year or so ago by a friend (that I never even talk to anymore) blabbing to him.  He tried to contact me on FB but he messed up the messages and I ignored them anyway.  I didn't want to hurt him with the ignore, but I really didn't want ot reopen the lines of communications. 

    If you think you'd like to have a relationship later then I would send a card or something (or tell your s-mil), but if you want him to stay out of your life, then I wouldn't mention it.


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  • Its tough to make this call but I agree with PPs. Go with your gut! I do not talk to my bio-dad either and haven't tried to be the "bigger person" in the (lacking) relationship we had for 2yrs now. The guy calls on my birthday but otherwise is too busy with his other family. I feel terrible not telling him or my grandfather that we're pregnant but I don't want him or my PGF in my life anymore so I'm not saying anything. I'm friends with my step siblings on FB so I'm assuming they will tell him when we let our FB friends now the big news. Good luck with making that decision. I know its a hard one...

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  • My husband's family lives in the same city with us, but they are constantly causing drama since we got engaged.  My husband will talk to them when they call, if he feels like it.  I do not speak to them unless we see them out somewhere.  We don't go to their house and they have never to been anywhere we lived in the past 3 years.  I left the decision to tell them up to him because he already knows they probably won't be a big part of our baby's life sadly.  We are closer to his grandparents, but know that they will tell his parents, which could lead to other problems of us not telling them. 

    With that being said, I think that it is a personal decision for you and your husband.  Weigh the options and see what makes the most the sense for your family. 

  • if he finds out he finds out. if not, oh well. you aren't talking to him. I wouldn't go out of my way to make it known.

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  • I told my sister about the pregnancy, and told her that she could tell them if she wanted to.  My parents brought this on themselves - I am not making any effort to include them when it is obvious they don't know how to act like thoughtful caring human beings.
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  • imageMama-Bear:

    imageLissa832:
    Why bother? If you are estranged and see it staying that way, then don't worry about it. If you are hoping to mend the relationship, then call or email the news to him.

    If you think you'd like to have a relationship later then I would send a card or something (or tell your s-mil), but if you want him to stay out of your life, then I wouldn't mention it.

    This.

    I guess that I'm wondering what the fight was about and if the two of them are just stubborn, but either way, I'm in no position to decide what is a legit fight and what isn't with his family. 

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  • We sort-of had a similar issue with my BIL - except we tried to reach out and meet up with them (we refuse to tell them over the phone/text/mail) and they refused our invitations. Later they found out thru the grapevine and we got a txt "Congrats on the pregnancy. Thx for letting us know" - - sometimes it is better to just try and be the bigger person. and even if you try to it might backfire, but then it isn't adding fuel to the fire - it might help him realize he was wrong or that there are bigger things in the world than his little fued.

    I would suggest you reaching out to the step mom just to let them know... then it has nothing to do with ur husband or his Dad being directly involved... It will keep things neutral.

    Or maybe send a card in the mail or an email if that is too much of a stretch.

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