son wants husband to adopt him

Bec67

My youngest son who is 12 wants my husband to adopt him. He has 2 older siblings that are 18 and 21 (one of which still lives with us). Their biological dad has nothing to do with any of them. He doesn't call, visit or have any contact with them. He was given phone visits (because of abuse allegations from one child) to which he was not consistent with following. It has been 10 years since he has talk to one of them. He pays minimal child support. My husband is the only dad my youngest has ever known. We have been together for a very long time but have only been married just over a year. My husband has kids from previous marriages but they are both well into their adult lives and both live on their own. My youngest tells us he wants to be a "our last name", his dad didn't want him, doesn't love him, doesn't care about him but new husband does. I am not really sure how my husband feels about this. My husband did ask me what I thought about it the last time it was brought up. The only reservation I have is how will my other children feel about this. They would have a different last name then their blood brother. After everything they have been through I don?t want to upset them or make them feel they are not wanted. My oldest hates his dad and the middle one doesn?t understand how he could just drop out of his life. I didn't however voice that to anyone. Does anyone out there have any experience with a similar situation?

kllrbnny

If this is something that your husband wants to do and everybody is on board with it you should do it. And when you are telling the older boys tell them that it would be awesome if they changed their names or added DH's. Or have some sort of speech prepared to let them know this isn't about favoritism and in YH's eyes they're all his sons. You really need to sit down and have a serious talk with YH about this.

Does the ex pay CS regularly? A year of marriage should be plenty for step parent adoption. Unless you can prove abandonment, which would mean no financial support or contact of any kind for a certain state specific amount of time, you will have to have BD sign over his rights. 

Holly_1007

before going any further I would see if it is even an option to entertain.  would BD sign over his rights? do you legally need him to sign over rights? (this would be a question for an attorney)

no point getting your youngest's hopes up if it won't actually happen.

you're next step would be to discuss this at length with your DH. give him time to think it over etc.  If this is a path he is completely dedicated to, then a family discussion needs to be had with all of your kids (and maybe even his kids as well) about how this will affect everyone. 

It is possible for your youngest to get his name changed or hyphenate it without your DH actually adopting him, although I do not know if this would require BD's approval or not.  

docco11

Not sure what state you are in, but in our state you can adopt adult's as well.  It's really just a change in the birth certificate.  Also, if there is CS being paid, I don't know if your state would consider him an absent parent.  Or if that even matter.  Adoption laws vary from state to state.

My DH adopted his EXW daughter. His experience is was that the BD was not involved whatsoever, they posted a notice in the paper advising the intent, citing absentee parenting, gave 30 days to respond.  Once the 30 days elasped and there was no response, the adoption was finalized shortly after.

That being said, my DH and I are both against step-parent adoptions. Not to get into our story, but you have to be ok with allowing, and encouraging a relationship between your DS and your DH in the event that you would ever divorce.  Would you be ok with that?  It's easy to say yes, but say the divorce was his fault.  He cheated on you or racked up thousands in dollars in debt without your knowledge and you divorced because of that.  I would also encourage you and your husband to have long conversations and not jump into any decision lightly.

GL!

Littlejen22

I would first find out what your DH really thinks. Does he consider himself your son's real Dad, not just stepping p because he is in the position and it is the right thin to do. Does he feel this bond, does he want it? If he walked into your bedroom tomorrow and you were having sex with his BFF would he still want to be your son's Dad? To me if he cannot answer yes to all of that then don't do it because anything can happen and you never want I put DS in a position of being rejected by Dad 2.

If you go ahead you can just tell your older kids that thee brother feels he needs to make it official that DH is his Dad and it also gives DH legal rights to DS as his son. His last name is not what makes his their brother. If the name is that important and everyone wants it they can change their names as adults too but only if DH is ok with that.

twister22

I am not always a fan of SP adoption, but I think in this case it's definitely an idea worth entertaining. Here are the steps I would take:

1) Contact your attorney and see if this is even an option for you. (Where we live SP adoption without BP's permission can only be done through proven abandonment - which includes no CS payments.) If you would have to get BD's permission and he would never give it, then it ends there.

2) Talk to YH and see if this is something he wants to do. Does he consider SS his DS? If yes, move forward.

3) Talk to YH about the two older boys. Would he be interested in adopting them too? Does he consider them his DS's too?

4) Talk to your two older sons. Do they see their SF as their father? Do they care if their little brother has a different last name than them? Do they want SF to adopt them?

If all the boys want to be adopted and YH is on board with it, then that's really awesome. If it's only the youngest and the two older boys don't care about the different last name thing, then move forward. I would definitely be sensitive towards the feelings of the older boys though.