Asking BD for $$. Input?

CFjo2010

To date, my husband and I have already paid out $800 towards my daughter?s cheerleading this season (since April), not including her additional tumbling classes. At practice last night the Coach was discussing the Florida Nationals Competition that girls might qualify for. The competition is the first week of December, so we still have a little bit of time. However, the trip (including airfare, hotel, etc.) is going to cost an additional $1,500. Wow. I had no idea this was going to cost so much. Last night my husband and I sat down and tried to figure out where we?re going to squeeze an extra $1,500 from. So far we?ve decided to ask our parents to contribute to her trip instead of Christmas gifts, and now what little "play money" I had is going towards to trip. Even with that, we probably won?t be able to come up with the full amount before the due date. We need to have all the funds ready to go mid-November when the girls find out if they qualified for Nationals.

My husband is livid. Not because of the cost, we?re both really excited that her team has such a good chance of making Nationals. And really, who would deprive their child that opportunity?! He?s livid that we?ve already paid out $800, now we need to scrape together an additional $1,500, and BD owes me over $25k in CS and has obviously contributed nothing to the kids? extra curriculars. He said that my daughter should call BD and ask him and his family to help pay for the trip. We obviously know his answer will be "no". While at first I didn't want her asking BD and then getting upset when he refuses to contribute, now I?m thinking it?s not a completely terrible idea. My daughter asks my husband and me to pay for things all the time, why shouldn?t she ask her deadbeat father as well? At least that way if we?re not able to scrape together all the money and she can?t go to Nationals, she?ll know it?s not just our fault. Quite truthfully, I?m a bit tired of being the bad guy every time I have to tell the kids "no" to something because of the money.

Thoughts? Suggestions?

magsugar13

what are the courts doing about the 25K he owes?

angelamaster1986

What the above post says as well^^

 

Its a tough situation because its almost like putting the child in the middle to ask her dad but I can also understand your frustration that you are paying for everything and she is even coming to you for help. Basically though, if you know her dad will not be interested in helping out, dont send her to ask knowing she will be heart broken. Try to do some fundraisers around your neighborhood and/or town. You can get some DIY ideas from Pintrest or just sell candy bars. 

GL to you and your daughters cheerleading team!

CFjo2010

magsugar13:

what are the courts doing about the 25K he owes?

Since he's out of State, he's succesfully dodged DCSS and the Court for a very long time (almost 7 years).  I had to try several times before the Interstate action finally stuck.  After several months, they finally were able to serve him last week and file a Contempt charge.  The hearing is in October.  But since he's removed his name from every bank account and works for cash under the table, there's nothing the State can levy.

Ginlyn0

It sounds like you signed her up for a competition team. Well those cost a lot of money and while it sucks that BD is behind on CS, he shouldn't be expected to pay half of something like that if it wasn't agreed beforehand the costs would be split. Unless you CO specifically states that and if so, good luck getting him to pay up. There are cheerleading teams that do not have those types of expenses so I wouldn't exactly be calling not paying that amount "denying" her anything.

We also subscribe to the idea of whomever signs them up pays. I paid for the out of state week long trip DD, SD and I took with their GS troop (flights, hotel, ect.) without any help from BM even though DH went through a job loss during the times we were making payments because we believe since we signed them up it's our responsibility.

cole2144

gin9874:

It sounds like you signed her up for a competition team. Well those cost a lot of money and while it sucks that BD is behind on CS, he shouldn't be expected to pay half of something like that if it wasn't agreed beforehand the costs would be split. Unless you CO specifically states that and if so, good luck getting him to pay up. There are cheerleading teams that do not have those types of expenses so I wouldn't exactly be calling not paying that amount "denying" her anything.

We also subscribe to the idea of whomever signs them up pays. I paid for the out of state week long trip DD, SD and I took with their GS troop (flights, hotel, ect.) without any help from BM even though DH went through a job loss during the times we were making payments because we believe since we signed them up it's our responsibility.

This if you expect BD to pay for half of activities, he should agree to split the expenses before signing DD up. My SD`s BM signs SD up for things and then tells us we have to pay half, uhh no you should have asked us first.

Wahoo

I wouldn't put your DD in the middle.  You should contact DH (if you can) and explain the situation to him and ask if he can help with expenses.  If he wants to speak to your DD, then you can put her on the line.

There was recently a post by someone who was a SM and it bothered her when BM put SD on to "guilt" her into....taking SD to the doctor's, taking SD to practices.  Not that the SM resented doing these things, but she did resent that BM knew that SM would not want to say no to SD (who she loved).  Not that your DH would have a hard time saying "no," but it does come across as manipulative.

Yes, DD asks you for things all the time, but it is a different relationship.  If DD was seeing her dad EOW and they were close and her dad contributed towards her activities occasionally, then maybe asking would be different, but in this case, you should ask.

blush64

cole2144:

gin9874:

This if you expect BD to pay for half of activities, he should agree to split the expenses before signing DD up. My SD`s BM signs SD up for things and then tells us we have to pay half, uhh no you should have asked us first.

I would agree with this if the guy was actually contributing to his child in some way. He is thousands behind in support so he should be willing to do something. That being said, since he isn't paying anything it's unlikely he will start. I think having the child ask is a bad idea and that the money should be found elsewhere.

Although I do think both parents should have a say in activities that will require money it's also unfair when one parent won't contribute and the other parent has to carry everything.

kllrbnny

jobalchak:

magsugar13:

what are the courts doing about the 25K he owes?

Since he's out of State, he's succesfully dodged DCSS and the Court for a very long time (almost 7 years).  I had to try several times before the Interstate action finally stuck.  After several months, they finally were able to serve him last week and file a Contempt charge.  The hearing is in October.  But since he's removed his name from every bank account and works for cash under the table, there's nothing the State can levy.

Maybe not, but they can put him in jail if he doesn't make minimum payments. This is where we're at with my ex right now. He's only paying b/c he's over 3k behind and if he doesn't pay at least 48/per month they're tossing him in jail. I realize all states are different, but hopefully TN has something similar.

As for asking him, I wouldn't have DD do it, not over the phone anyway, maybe a letter? You should do it, but don't be surprised when he says no. 

I once asked BD to get DS a haircut b/c I hadn't had time during the week. He flipped and said that was why he pays CS. I never asked him for a dime again. Then one time I asked him not to cut his hair b/c I was growing it out a bit-and specified not to emo/girly length-and so now he cuts his hair all the stinkin time. And by cuts I mean shaves to recruit/skinhead length. 

cole2144

blush64:

cole2144:

gin9874:

This if you expect BD to pay for half of activities, he should agree to split the expenses before signing DD up. My SD`s BM signs SD up for things and then tells us we have to pay half, uhh no you should have asked us first.

I would agree with this if the guy was actually contributing to his child in some way. He is thousands behind in support so he should be willing to do something. That being said, since he isn't paying anything it's unlikely he will start. I think having the child ask is a bad idea and that the money should be found elsewhere.

Although I do think both parents should have a say in activities that will require money it's also unfair when one parent won't contribute and the other parent has to carry everything.

I do agree with this but one parent may be signing the child up for expensive activities another parent may not be able to afford. We will do what we can to pay half of SD`s dance expenses this year if and only if, my husband is kept informed. 

twister22

wendilea:

That is a crappy situation.  Maybe she could write a letter/email to all the relatives (both sides) and ask for $$ instead of Christmas gifts?  Then it wouldn't seem like she was just asking him.  Explain what a big deal nationals are, etc, and how excited she is to be going.

Good luck to her! 

I love Wedilea's idea. Have DD right a letter to aunt/uncles/grandparents/etc. on both sides telling them what an awesome opportunity she has and asking them to contribute. Keep track of who gives what, and then give back the money if the team doesn't make it. 

CFjo2010

wendilea:

That is a crappy situation.  Maybe she could write a letter/email to all the relatives (both sides) and ask for $$ instead of Christmas gifts?  Then it wouldn't seem like she was just asking him.  Explain what a big deal nationals are, etc, and how excited she is to be going.

Good luck to her! 

I actually really like this idea.  This way my daughter will be the one "responsible" for asking and then maybe she'll figure out how much these activities cost.  Plus, it will give the request a more personal feel.

As for PPs saying that I shouldn't expect BD to pay 1/2 of activities he didn't agree to:  I never said he should pay 1/2.  Hell, I'd be happy if he would just contribute $200 towards her Nationals trip.  When you consider that he refuses to pay CS and yet somehow manages to have a new car, pay for the kids to fly out to see him once a year, get a new quad, iphones, etc all the time, he should have plenty of cash available to help his daughter achieve something she has to work so hard for.  My husband not only pays his CS every month, pays for K's full karate tuition, but also contributes towards the random dance classes that BM signs her up for.  It's not in the CO that he is responsible for 1/2 the extra curriculars, but if it's something that K enjoys then we make sure we do what we can.  That's what decent parents do.

FutureMrsWittig

What about helping her build a fundraising website.  https://www.gofundme.com/ will allow you to build a free site and then share links on FB, e-mail people etc...  Then friends and family can maybe help out?

Also, have you suggested to some of the other parents that the kids do a car wash, bake sale, etc... to help raise some of the funds?  You guys can't be the only ones strapped for the cash.

I wouldn't have your DD call her dad, when you know he will only disappoint.  But maybe he would share the site with his friends/family and some of them could help?

CFjo2010

kllrbnny:

jobalchak:

magsugar13:

what are the courts doing about the 25K he owes?

Since he's out of State, he's succesfully dodged DCSS and the Court for a very long time (almost 7 years).  I had to try several times before the Interstate action finally stuck.  After several months, they finally were able to serve him last week and file a Contempt charge.  The hearing is in October.  But since he's removed his name from every bank account and works for cash under the table, there's nothing the State can levy.

Maybe not, but they can put him in jail if he doesn't make minimum payments. This is where we're at with my ex right now. He's only paying b/c he's over 3k behind and if he doesn't pay at least 48/per month they're tossing him in jail. I realize all states are different, but hopefully TN has something similar.

My understanding is this:  He will have the contempt hearing end of October, and then the CS agency and Court will give him a certain amount of time to find a job so wages can be garnished, make a "good faith" payment towards arrearages (something like 10% of what's owed) and start maintaining current monthly payments.  If/when he defaults, there will be a follow-up hearing and criminal contempt charges will be filed.  Only after all of that will they entertain the thought of putting him in jail for a maximum of 6 months.  So even though the hearing is coming up, he'll probably still have until January or so before any real consequences begin.  It's incredibly frustrating.

CFjo2010

FutureMrsWittig:

What about helping her build a fundraising website.  https://www.gofundme.com/ will allow you to build a free site and then share links on FB, e-mail people etc...  Then friends and family can maybe help out?

Also, have you suggested to some of the other parents that the kids do a car wash, bake sale, etc... to help raise some of the funds?  You guys can't be the only ones strapped for the cash.

I wouldn't have your DD call her dad, when you know he will only disappoint.  But maybe he would share the site with his friends/family and some of them could help?

This is an awesome idea also!  She can even include the website in her letter to people.

The team will do a few team fundraisers together to help fund the trip.  But obviously, any money they make as a team will get split between the 30 girls.  Thankfully the girls are allowed to get business sponsors, so I'm going to talk with my boss as well as a friend of mine who owns a business.  Maybe between some fundraisers and a couple of business sponsors, the amount won't seem so daunting.

Thanks for the input!!

Holly_1007

FutureMrsWittig:

What about helping her build a fundraising website.  https://www.gofundme.com/ will allow you to build a free site and then share links on FB, e-mail people etc...  Then friends and family can maybe help out?

Also, have you suggested to some of the other parents that the kids do a car wash, bake sale, etc... to help raise some of the funds?  You guys can't be the only ones strapped for the cash.

I wouldn't have your DD call her dad, when you know he will only disappoint.  But maybe he would share the site with his friends/family and some of them could help?

 I really like this idea. send the link in an e-mail to exh, his mom, whatever aunts/ cousins still keep in touch on that side etc.  

TBH I would email exh and let him know its coming and say it would REALLY mean a lot to DD if he could contribute towards it.  

cmiller0623

angelamaster1986:

Its a tough situation because its almost like putting the child in the middle to ask her dad but I can also understand your frustration that you are paying for everything and she is even coming to you for help. Basically though, if you know her dad will not be interested in helping out, dont send her to ask knowing she will be heart broken. Try to do some fundraisers around your neighborhood and/or town. You can get some DIY ideas from Pintrest or just sell candy bars. 

 

I agree with everything above, especially the bolded.  I can see where you're coming from too though.  I was put in this position a lot when I was younger, (totally different situation though) and I could tell it was hard for my dad to basically say I shouldnt be in the middle.  I like the idea about the fundraisers and whatnot, that could help the team out a lot.

GL with everything!

emikat

gin9874:

It sounds like you signed her up for a competition team. Well those cost a lot of money and while it sucks that BD is behind on CS, he shouldn't be expected to pay half of something like that if it wasn't agreed beforehand the costs would be split. Unless you CO specifically states that and if so, good luck getting him to pay up. There are cheerleading teams that do not have those types of expenses so I wouldn't exactly be calling not paying that amount "denying" her anything.

We also subscribe to the idea of whomever signs them up pays. I paid for the out of state week long trip DD, SD and I took with their GS troop (flights, hotel, ect.) without any help from BM even though DH went through a job loss during the times we were making payments because we believe since we signed them up it's our responsibility.

I agree with this.  DH and BM have the same agreement that whomever signs SS up for stuff pays.  I know that sucks in your situation because he hardly sees them, but I don't think it's fair to ask your DD to ask him for it when you know the answer will be no.  Unfortunately, saying no is part of parenting as we can't always afford everything that we want for our children.   

CFjo2010

Thank you everyone for the input and ideas.  After discussing it at length this afternoon, my husband and I feel like telling her "no" to Nationals isn't fair to her, or to the rest of the team.  If some girls are unable to be at the competition, the routine would have to be re-created to "fill-in" the spaces left open by girls' absences.  We feel like this is in opportunity the girls are working really hard for and should get to enjoy in the event they qualify.  If this were a competition that anyone could compete in, then we wouldn't feel so strongly about getting her there and would probably tell hr "no" pretty quickly.  My husband and I are going to set up the donation website and have my daughter write a letter to all the family members about Nationals.  She's also going to have to come with me looking for business sponsors, so that she sees how much work has to go into fundraising for the trip.

As for BD.  Well, he's a treat.  I emailed him and gave him a heads up about the competition and let him know that R will be sending a letter out asking for contributions, and his response? "My family isn't going to help pay for something stupid like that so don't bother sending us any letters.".  Wow.  Awesome support system there buddy.  This "something stupid" is also something your daughter spends all day talking about and really enjoys doing.  You sir, are a peach.  Now I have to figure out how to keep my daughter from seeing that he isn't going to help at all.  I'm hoping she won't notice when it's time to address the letters that none of them are for him or his family. 

CFjo2010

wendilea:

What a d!ck.nbsp; If I didn't know any better, I'd swear we had the same ex.nbsp; Maybe we can get a group rate on a hitman?

I might know a guy that knows a guy...

socloudy99

I hope at least one person in the POSs family is a decent person and contributes to her trip. I can't believe this guy!

cmiller0623

wow...what a jerkface! i'm glad your daughter will be able to be active in earning her way to nationals, it seems like a great experience for her to compete and then also see how much hard work it takes to get there.  Good luck to them!

FutureMrsWittig

jobalchak:

 "My family isn't going to help pay for something stupid like that so don't bother sending us any letters.".  Wow.  Awesome support system there buddy.  This "something stupid" is also something your daughter spends all day talking about and really enjoys doing.  You sir, are a peach.  Now I have to figure out how to keep my daughter from seeing that he isn't going to help at all.  I'm hoping she won't notice when it's time to address the letters that none of them are for him or his family. 

You should respond "I will not tell our daughter not to send letters to your family.  If they don't want to help they don't have to respond.  Let her see that for herself, but I will not be the one to crush her."

CFjo2010

FutureMrsWittig:

jobalchak:

 "My family isn't going to help pay for something stupid like that so don't bother sending us any letters.".  Wow.  Awesome support system there buddy.  This "something stupid" is also something your daughter spends all day talking about and really enjoys doing.  You sir, are a peach.  Now I have to figure out how to keep my daughter from seeing that he isn't going to help at all.  I'm hoping she won't notice when it's time to address the letters that none of them are for him or his family. 

You should respond "I will not tell our daughter not to send letters to your family.  If they don't want to help they don't have to respond.  Let her see that for herself, but I will not be the one to crush her."

My husband actually told me to respond in the same manner.  His reasoning is:  if R sees that I'm not sending the letters to BD and his family, she's going to think I'm deliberately excluding them.  Whereas, if the letters get sent and they don't contribute, then she knows we tried.  My actual response to BD was, "I'm sorry that you feel R's activity is 'stupid', but she's really excited about it and has been working very hard.  If you and your family choose not to contribute to Nationals that's your choice, but keep your opinions about R's activities to yourself.". Then I hit "send" and flipped my computer screen the bird.  I know he can't see me flipping him off, but it made me feel a bit better.