I feel so terrible I feel this way...gender disappointment — The Bump
April 2011 Moms

I feel so terrible I feel this way...gender disappointment

So I'm having another boy...really wanted a girl. It took me a while to be okay with this; I feel stupid for having to take so long to be happy with this. I mean, having a baby at all is a blessing, right? I found out yesterday that my preggo buddy from my first pregnancy, who also had a boy, is having a girl. And I didn't realize how much I really wanted a girl until I found out what she was having. Most of my preggo friends are having girls actually. I don't know if it's the hormones, but I balled like a little baby yesterday. I HATE MYSELF for feeling this way. I should be excited that Baby Man is healthy and kicking and will arrive in about 10 weeks. My hubby thinks I'm ridiculous, but it's hard when everyone is like "hoping/wishing it's a girl...blah blah blah." I haven't even really announced what we're having. I don't know why...Also I'm pretty sure this is it for us unless we have another "surprise." Both my boys were surprises, but we just can't afford another "surprise," so we'll be taking big precautions after Baby Man is born.

Anyways...thanks for letting me vent. Anyone else going through the same thing.

Re: I feel so terrible I feel this way...gender disappointment

  • I'm not going thru anything like this (not even close), but I wanted to send you a creepy internet stranger hug. :)

    I think what you're feeling is normal and I'm sure more than one of your pg friends wishes she was having a Boy. It's obviously your lot in life to be surrounded by beautiful men. :D

     

  • I went through this with DD3 now that I am expecting DD4 I was more sad over the dream of never having a son then having another daughter.  It took awhile to figure out why I was sad about it but for me it was losing the dream.

    I think it's okay to be sad it is not okay if it takes over your life and you feel you do not want your child.  

    Two little boys close in age will be great, having a playmate liking the same things.  And you can reuse all of DS1s stuff a big money saver :)

    Good luck and HUGS

     

                                                 Mom to 4 wonderful daughters
                                 Breanna, Ellie and 
                                 our 2 rainbow babies.

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  • It is normal to feel disappointment.  Don't beat yourself up.  Hugs.
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  • I will be a little disappointed if our next, which well may be our last, is also a boy.  Like others said, I think it's normal to morn the loss of something you imagine you'd have in your life (a daughter).  That's one reason I don't want to find out what I'm having next time - I'll be so happy when the baby's born, I feel like I won't have as much a chance to experience disappointment.  I guess we'll see if that works.

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  • Do not feel bad!  As GHBEA said, you are grieving over NOT having a daughter, not having another son.  Go ahead, be a little sad for now. 

    That being said, congratulations on a healthy little guy!

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  • As others said - I think it's perfectly normal and ok to feel a little sad over not getting the little girl you were hoping for. I think it's natural for most mamas to want a little girl at some point to dress up and relate to.

    On the other hand, you already have all the boy stuff so that makes life easy :) It will also be SO much fun for your little guys to grow up so close in age!  

  • I am sorry you are feeling this way. I think it is normal to feel this way while you still are pregnant. If it were YEARS later then I'd say you needed to talk with someone but give yourself time to get over the disappointment. There is nothing wrong with being honest with yourself that you wanted a girl. I am sure once he is here and you see you little guys playing together and having that special bond of brothers that feeling will disappear. Before I got pregnant I thought I always wanted a little girl. Now that I have a special little boy I am leaning towards hoping for another boy just because I love the special bond my husband has with his brother.
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  • I'm pregnant with #2 and I really want a little girl. Honestly, I might be a little disappointed if it's a boy. I love DS. He is great. I'm sure the little boy would be great too. There is something about having a little girl.
  • this post could have been written by me 12 weeks ago. 

    i was SO upset and sad when we found out we were having another boy.  i LOVE having a boy, but i have always wanted a girl.  i think every mamma does at one point.   i have found when people ask what i'm having and i tell them another boy, they look at me with like a sympathy look or something and ask if i'm going to try for that girl.  i haven't even had this kid yet and already people are acting like this kid does not exist.  it doesn't make me feel any better.

    unless we have an "oopsies" this will be our last.  i have a teenage step daughter, but it's not the same.  she has a mom who she is close with and she lives in another state.  i have come to realize my "dreams" of having a girl are just that.  a dream, like GHBEA said.  

    DS#1 will be 18 months when DS#2 is born and the more i think about it, i honestly couldn't be more excited to have another boy!  they will be the best of buds and you have two little men that will just love and adore you.  yeah, it will be crazy having all that testosterone around but it will be so amazing to think of all the you will be getting from the men in your life.

    it's totally natural to feel this way and know you are not the only one.  you having these feelings do not mean you will not love this little boy, it's the dream of the girl that is lost and it's ok.  i'm sorry you are feeling this way and hope that later you get a little more excited, it really will be fun :)  ((hugs))

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  • I'm sure once the baby gets here you'll be so overcome with love that it won't matter to you if that baby is a boy or girl.  I think to be sad is natural.  I get it.  I have two girls and would love to be a mama to a little boy but three sisters are just too cute!
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  • *hug* 

     The best way I've seen it/heard it put is that you are grieving for the daughter you could have had, and the plans that could have been. It's only natural to be sad when your expectation was that it would be a girl, or your hope was for a girl. Huge hugs, and I think as it sinks in and time passes is will get easier. 

     

    Old nestie, new name: formerly ckolak:-)
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  • Thanks so much for support, Mamas!! I was so sure at the beginning it was a girl. I felt mad at myself for having such a wrong instinct. And I tried to be okay with it by saying we already have all boy stuff, and that will definitely help us, but yea...saying it out loud didn't make me feel better. My hubby even noticed my sighs when we did share the sex still haven't shared to all our friends. He kind of scolded me for it, and then I had to try to hide these feelings harder.

    I tried to avoid my friend, who is having a girl now, but chatted with her briefly yesterday, and I almost started crying again. What is wrong with me!?

    But really when I think about it, I am excited about having another lil man. And you guys are right. It's that dream I'm chasing. I know I'll love this lil guy when he gets here. I guess I'll have to borrow one of my friends' girl some day.
  • image MauiBride2008:
    this post could have been written by me 12 weeks ago.nbsp; i was SO upset and sad when we found out we were having another boy.nbsp; i LOVE having a boy, but i have always wanted a girl.nbsp; i think every mamma does at one point. nbsp; i have found when people ask what i'm having and i tell them another boy, they look at me with like a sympathy look or something and ask if i'm going to try for that girl.nbsp; i haven't even had this kid yet and already people are acting like this kid does not exist.nbsp; it doesn't make me feel any better.unless we have an "oopsies" this will be our last.nbsp; i have a teenage step daughter, but it's not the same.nbsp; she has a mom who she is close with and she lives in another state.nbsp; i have come to realize my "dreams" of having a girl are just that.nbsp; a dream, like GHBEA said. nbsp; DS1 will be 18 months when DS2 is born and the more i think about it, i honestly couldn't be more excited to have another boy!nbsp; they will be the best of buds and you have two little men that will just love and adore you.nbsp; yeah, it will be crazy having all that testosterone around but it will be so amazing to think of all the you will be getting from the men in your life.it's totally natural to feel this way and know you are not the only one.nbsp; you having these feelings do not mean you will not love this little boy, it's the dream of the girl that is lost and it's ok.nbsp; i'm sorry you are feeling this way and hope that later you get a little more excited, it really will be fun :nbsp; hugs


    Everything you said is me! Hearing other people sound sad it's not girl is just heartbreaking. My boys will be 18 months apart too. But I still need to get over losing the dream...
  • image reesey625:
    image MauiBride2008:
    this post could have been written by me 12 weeks ago.nbsp; i was SO upset and sad when we found out we were having another boy.nbsp; i LOVE having a boy, but i have always wanted a girl.nbsp; i think every mamma does at one point. nbsp; i have found when people ask what i'm having and i tell them another boy, they look at me with like a sympathy look or something and ask if i'm going to try for that girl.nbsp; i haven't even had this kid yet and already people are acting like this kid does not exist.nbsp; it doesn't make me feel any better.unless we have an "oopsies" this will be our last.nbsp; i have a teenage step daughter, but it's not the same.nbsp; she has a mom who she is close with and she lives in another state.nbsp; i have come to realize my "dreams" of having a girl are just that.nbsp; a dream, like GHBEA said. nbsp; DS1 will be 18 months when DS2 is born and the more i think about it, i honestly couldn't be more excited to have another boy!nbsp; they will be the best of buds and you have two little men that will just love and adore you.nbsp; yeah, it will be crazy having all that testosterone around but it will be so amazing to think of all the you will be getting from the men in your life.it's totally natural to feel this way and know you are not the only one.nbsp; you having these feelings do not mean you will not love this little boy, it's the dream of the girl that is lost and it's ok.nbsp; i'm sorry you are feeling this way and hope that later you get a little more excited, it really will be fun :nbsp; hugs
    Everything you said is me! Hearing other people sound sad it's not girl is just heartbreaking. My boys will be 18 months apart too. But I still need to get over losing the dream...

    Right after I wrote this post I went to run a couple errands and the lady at Home Depot asked what I'm having, I said another boy and she gave me an "i'm so sorry" face.  Really??  Don't feel sorry for me! ;)

    My SIL had a little girl in February, so I get to steal her for girl stuff and buy her cute girl clothes.  The bright side, I don't have to deal with the teenage girl drama when it hits...I'm not sure if I'm well equipped for that :)  Feel better mamma!  :)

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  • We were team grren and when the doctors said its a boy (again) I thought I woud be sad but I wasnt!  Once that baby is in your arms gender will be the last thing on your mind.  Think what great buddies they will be (mine are 16 months apart).
  • It's OK, mama, I ditto what everyone else has posted.  When Baby Man comes into this world, you will look at him and think "You're the one I wanted all along".
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  • I feel the same way. When I found out we were having twins, I thought for sure at least one of them would be a girl! Our OB even guessed b/g at 15 weeks- and was wrong, but I totally had my hopes up. When we found out we were having 2 more boys, I have to admit it was really hard. I LOVE my little boy- I also just had the dream of the mix. It is like possibly losing that experience to parent both sexes. And I know every boy and girl is different, I just wanted to mix it up. I am so close with my mom and had just always pictured a girl in the mix. Now with 3 kids in 18 months we don't know if we are done or not, plus the odds are now in much greater favor of another boy if we try again. DH is the oldest of 4 boys and his extended family is so boy dominant. So I keep trying to focus on these babies and what blessings they are, but I also think it is ok to grieve the loss of that dream. I know when they get here, and are in our arms, I will be so happy to have them here and I will love my little boys, all 3 of them! 
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