I'm a benefits administrator and things start getting crazy this time of year while we're gearing up for annual enrollment in a couple months. I've worked 60 hours this week and I'm going to work another 8 or so tomorrow. My hubby is a SAHD for which I am eternally grateful. He does fantastic with watching L and has picked up a few of the chores I used to do. For the most part, things are still pretty 50/50 as far as chores around the house. I knew that things were going to be crazy these next few weeks and I let him know ahead of time. I said "I know you already do a lot around the house but I am going to need a little more help than usual. It's going to be exhausting for both of us." And he's been really good about it until today, mostly because the only "extra" chore I've needed him to do is cook dinner. This morning we had an all out meltdown. While I was nursing L, I asked DH to pack my lunch and my pump. This is something he has always done for me in the mornings ever since I returned to work. I would do it myself but I am usually leaving the house with not a minute to spare. I'll admit its my own fault for not managing my time. But he flipped out. He tore into me saying I should have gotten up earlier. I had already been up for an hour and a half when I got him up. He talked about how he was sick and tired of helping me get ready and what would I do without him. I admit all the time that I'd be screwed without him... Am I wrong for assuming that, as a SAH parent, he should be helping me get ready? I mean, I wake up L, change her, and feed her. So his child care duties don't start until I leave...
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
Re: Am I wrong? vent
it sounds like he's just overwhelmed at lost it this morning. I doubt he's really upset about packing your lunch and pump for you...but he took it out on that situation.
Maybe you could look into giving him some help during the day? even for an hour or two? Could you hire a high schooler to come after school to help him watch L while he gets dinner ready?? I'm sure he'd appreciate it.
It sounds like you are both stressed, especially since you said he normally does it but blew up this time when asked. If you are working 60+ hours then he is also putting in 60+ hours alone with LO. Being a SAH parent to a young child is exhausting and stressful at times, especially when the other parent is working long hours and not there to help.
It doesn't sound like you are asking too much since you get LO up and dressed for the day but I don't know the dynamics of your house - you both need to find what works for you. Right now it sounds like you guys need to talk and it sounds like your DH needs a break (let him get some child free time).
IMO you're responsible for getting yourself ready, but that's completely dependent on the dynamics of the household. If either myself or DH were a SAH parent, we would more than likely take care of DS while the other got ready for work. This is how it works on the days where one of us works and the other doesn't. BUT... there's an extra kink in there since you're still BFing.
I think it's nice that he helps you get ready, but IMO you're a little stuck because you have to feed AND get ready. I think a little clearer communication would be helpful, sit down and map out what a day *should* look like so you're both on the same page for these next busy days/weeks.
This- I don't think your request was unreasonable but as a SAHM myself I would be a little annoyed if DH straight up "expected" me to help him get ready in the morning...it would be one thing to get an advanced notice of "hey babe, things are hectic would you mind packing my lunch this week?" or if we had originally agreed that doing those things in the morning would be my responsibility but I would be a little pissed if it became expected. I do pack my DH's lunch occasionally and I know it helps him out and he appreciates it but its not a regular deal but he knows that. I think you both are just stressed and it came to a head in the morning- I would talk about it later when things are a little less rushed and more calm. I know that back when DH was working 60+ hour weeks, that while it was stressful on him it was INCREDIBLY stressful and draining on me. It basically means you never have any adult time, you are the sole caretaker of the child and its just really hard- not to say your job isn't also but not getting a break from kids can wear on you pretty quickly. It sounds like a date night is in order for you two :-)
i am a SAHM and my husband works & travels a ton. I do not get his stuff ready for him in the morning. I do pack him lunch sometimes but he does he own breakfast etc b/c he is usually awake before me. However, he basically does nothing around the house except to take out the garbage & the diaper genie bags during the week. He doesn't get home until she is already sleeping 75% of the time.
Like others said, he probably is frustrated and tired & it is really hard to care for a child on your own basically for 60+ hours per week so I can see where you both are coming from b/c I think even when women work, they still do way more than a working man does in terms of childcare & chores etc.
I think he just lashed out on you but honestly, I do think it's very nice that he does that to help you get ready every morning.
I'm going to say your 110% wrong.
Before I had DS I worked long hours on my feet all day. It was WAY easier than being a SAHM.
Now my DH works a good 50-60 hours a week while I stay home. He never expects me to to treat him like another child. He makes his own lunches, does his own laundry, etc. Afterall...if he works at a job 60+ hours a week I'm on my own working in the home 60+ hours a week. IMO--There's nothing hard about taking care of a baby---diapers are easy, washing bottles...easy, etc. It's the repeating of these petty little chores and the lack of adult communication. It's wearing...heavily wearing.
I'm sure your DH is just having an off day. Or he's finally fed up with your ways.
I agree with PP that says it's more time management on your part. Why don't you pack your own lunch before you go to sleep at night? It's not hard to set things aside in the refrigerator and put them in a bag in the morning.
From the sound of it all you're really taking your DH for granted. On top of this you want him to baby you. I'd be fed up too if I were your DH.
I don't expect him to treat me like another child. I still do all of the laundry, up until this week I cooked dinner every night, I clean the bathrooms, I walk the dog on the weekends, I load the dirty dishes every night, and I wash the bottles at the end of the night. And he holds his weight too. He takes out the trash, puts away the clean dishes, vaccuums and dusts, and walks the dog during the week. I'd say its pretty even as far as household chores.
It definitely is a different dynamic than the traditional household because its kinda hard for me to be packing my lunch and whatever else while I'm nursing LO. I just never really realized how much extra stress it was causing. I always assumed that if I was a SAHM, I would help him get ready in the mornings. But then again I've never been there so I wouldn't know...
I'll echo PPs and say that it sounds like your DH needs a "Daddy Break." My DH is gone most weekends, and as a SAHM it's so insanely wearing. I know the my DH works really hard at work, but the mental demands of being alone, with a baby, all day can really wear on a person. Ask my husband... because I've totally snapped on him too (and I always feel bad afterwards...).
As far as getting ready for the day, I don't think it should ever be an assumption unless some agreement has been made between the two of you via a conversation. But, that's just my two cents :-)
Caleb Jonathan
Born November 30, 2011
The Winking of an Eye
A blog about the mommyhood, wifehood and lifehood of a misplaced Minnesotan in SoCal