Anxiety/Depression Before Delivery (Long, Need Advice)

phq2011

So I am at a loss. I have had my anxiety under control with therapy this entire pregnancy. I safely switched to a non-medicated plan with my mental health staff before finding out I was pregnant and it was working great. This past month has been a nightmare with moving in with my grandparents and finances falling apart because I broke my ankle and lost my job. Well, the problem is my anxiety condition has worsened. This is a problem mostly because it acts physically like a neurological condition (seizures, loss of muscle control, etc), but can't be treated that way. I am hesitant to try to regulate meds so close to delivery, but I haven't been able to reach my therapist for 3 days. I left him messages and called his office. My OB has no advice except to consult the mental health department, whom I can't reach.

I am starting to worry about how this is going to affect me postpartum. I knew going in I would be at risk for PPD and PPA due to my previous history. I am already feeling like a horrible mother and he is not even here yet, so what gives? I finally broke down last night and told my husband that I feel like I can't be a good mother and that I would be better off not having children. The false labor is wearing on me emotionally to the point where I am not even excited about this birth anymore. I am at a loss of what to do. I am so tired of people saying "It will change the minute you give birth." That statement makes me more angry than any other comment this whole pregnancy. I love my son, but I feel so disconnected that I don't even know what to do anymore. Thanks for reading if you made it this far, I just don't know where else to go.

bigbootyjudi

Read the thread before this titled "Important Post."

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Is there another help line you can call or any therapist in the same office? I can't say whether your feelings will change at birth or not, because sometimes they do and sometimes they don't, but I will tell you that it is a feeling like none other to see your LO for the first time. I can't explain it, but it's an overwhelming, "I can't believe I did this" sort of feeling...and maybe that will provide you with some empowerment at that moment in time. With your history of depression, I would definitely stay on top of your emotions - which you seem to be trying to do by contacting your therapist - and talk to the nurses after you deliver. There are great resources within the hospital and you'd be surprised at how much help the mental health team there can provide you with.

I can't imagine how you feel, but just know that we're all here to listen whenever you need to vent. I've never been through what you're going through, so I can't say that I know how you feel (I hate when people say that anyways), but I'd definitely look for a support group in your area...and maybe look for another therapist because a therapist that knows you're pregnant and depressed not contacting you for three days in the middle of the week is unacceptable to me.

Good luck and hang in there. Hugs.

Tula214

I deal with anxiety, and depression as well. I haven't needed medication for a long time, and was dealing pretty well before pregnancy. Since then I've felt out of control, alone even though I'm not, and just disconnected from the whole world. I've also had times during my pregnancy where I've thought I don't even want this baby anymore, I can't take care of him, I don't deserve him....

The best thing is that you do have your therapist, and that you recognize you need help. Which means if you do get PPD that you will get help. Between therapy, groups, and good old TB, you'll always have somewhere to turn. TP to you mama. It'll all work out.

Msbean22

phq2011:

I am starting to worry about how this is going to affect me postpartum. I knew going in I would be at risk for PPD and PPA due to my previous history. I am already feeling like a horrible mother and he is not even here yet, so what gives? I finally broke down last night and told my husband that I feel like I can't be a good mother and that I would be better off not having children. The false labor is wearing on me emotionally to the point where I am not even excited about this birth anymore. I am at a loss of what to do. I am so tired of people saying "It will change the minute you give birth." That statement makes me more angry than any other comment this whole pregnancy. I love my son, but I feel so disconnected that I don't even know what to do anymore. Thanks for reading if you made it this far, I just don't know where else to go.

If it's any consolation, I have no history of mental illness and I felt the exact same way. It's an awful thing for someone to tell you "it will change the second you give birth;" that line had me in a panic because what if it didn't? What if I didn't automatically love my baby? And you know what...I was so out of it from the drugs they gave me for my c-section, I barely registered her birth. That still weighs on me mighty heavily.  

lupineaura

No advice, because it sounds like you already know what to do (contacting your care team, even if they are being unresponsive). I just wanted to comment to say you are not alone. I have a history of anxiety and depression, and am very afraid of PPD and PPA. I also have moments when I'm already afraid I won't be a good mom/that I won't love my daughter/that I'll regret having her/etc. One thing that has helped me is reading accounts of people who had PPD- and realizing they all got through it. I have yet to read someone's blog where they say their baby is 2 and they still have PPD.

There is a chance I won't have PPD- and there is a chance you won't, either. But I understand your fear. And I agree it's frustrating when people invalidate your feelings by saying, "oh no, the birth will be so magical you have nothing to worry about!"

FWIW, I can already tell you have the makings of being a good mom because you've tried your best to be proactive in taking care of yourself. That's your #1 job as a mom right now. 

krissi813

I feel like I could have written this Post myself. I so feel for you. Luckily my anxiety has been alright through my pregnancy but I have been increasingly depressed. I feel terrible - I should be so happy right now, 3 days before my due date, but I am so stressed about my living situation (trying to buy a house and possibly closing tomorrow but everything has been a huge problem and I won't even get my hopes up until the keys are in hand) and money that I have hardly had time to be excited about the impending arrival of my little boy. 

 And the most annoying part, as you mentioned, is that people just do not understand. Everyone wants to say, "Oh, everything will work out," or "Once the baby is here, everything will fall into place." Everyone loves to solve my problems when they have no clue what is really going on.

Luckily, I have a very supportive family who understands anxietydepression because it seems my whole family suffers from the same condition. I hope you have a lot of support at home.  Please message me if you ever need to talk.

AprilAngie

Have you tried calling your therapists office and speaking to te receptionist/ secretary and explaining you NEEd to speak to your therapist? Are they on holidays? Someone taking the file over??


I also was going to recommend reading the post 'importnant post'. I have in the last had PPD after my births and I have to say my thing I getting help. Talk to your OB further maybe they don't understand the seriousness.

heather3879

I think I know how you feel - I have a history of OCD, panic attacks, and severe depression, but went off all of my meds when I started trying to get pregnant. It has been a rollercoaster the last 9 months, but I can definitely agree that the last month or so has been the hardest. I think it's the pregnancy anxiety added to the regular anxiety - worries about being a good mother, especially with mental illness. I agree that you should ask to speak to another therapist in the office or even call someone new and let them know it's urgent that you see someone immediately. I can't believe your therapist hasn't called back! And if you aren't planning to BF, get your meds ahead of time so you can go back on the day you deliver - that's my plan! Good luck, and know you're not alone.