STBXH booked a plan ticket, visitation ?

mamastich

Its official hes coming to see LO for a week in septemper. I didnt think he would actually do it and I have been supportive because its whats best for him and LO but frick Im nervous about seeing him so much. I havent gotten rid of all my feelings and would rather not deal with them while hes here  -_-

His mom will also be here for 2 days while hes here,  I told them I couldnt take any time off work (because I dont get any CS) and they would have to work around my schedule (they arent allowed to just take LO without me) just stressed!

Question: Ive told them both no, but would you allow you BD/MIL to watch LO  for any amount of time alone? Hes never been violent and there is a custody order in place.. it makes me nervous but i dont know if i want to be with him that much. TIA

FyreFlyeRush

First, I want to say how strong you are. I let my ex come to see DD in Dec2010 for a week, and I thought I'd go crazy! And that's with us getting along.

Now, if you're not comfortable doing it, and there's no court order in place, then don't. But, you also have to take care of you. It's really trying to spend that much time with your ex. As much as I hate leaving my LO with his dad, I hate seeing him more. That 2 minutes 8x a week has me a bundle of nerves. It's forced all the memories back into my brain and forced me to deal with them.

It sounds like yours are unresolved romantic feelings. In my experience, that's the ONLY reason DDs father and I have a good relationship now. It's full of good memories and what ifs. It's easier to move forward. It's hard, but it's worse when the relationship goes Chernobyl.

Good luck!

preggersin2011

I don't know how old your child is or the reasons for your separation. LO's father and I are not together and that says nothing about his parenting skills at all. He is a great father to her. When LO was born it made me nervous to even leave the room when he was with her. Over the months I started to feel more as if I was supervising his visits with her. For reasons I don't want to discuss all of his visits occur in my house, or he takes her to the park. At first I felt the need to entertain my company, but came to realize he was there to see LO. I soon started letting him stay alone to go to the grocery store and other errands. As long as he can change a diaper and feed LO there isn't a need to worry. As you said he isn't violent.

Personally this is how I would handle things. I don't know what day of the week he is arriving or where he is staying. If it is before the start of the work week I would let him and LO has as much time together as possible. I would leave him alone on Monday and find cleaning or something like that to do while he is there. Pretend like you aren't around and see what happens, just stay out of LOs sight if you can. I don't know where your day care or work is, but if things go okay on Monday I would let him pick LO up at lunch on Tuesday and then if that goes okay consider letting him stay with LO wed-fri while you are at work. 

I am sure people will with disagree with me, but if he is flying to see his child why not let him spend as much time as possible since you yourself said he isnt violent.  I would agree on things like, they need to stay in my house where LO is used to the environment unless they take a stroller walk or go to a park to play. I don't know what the custody order says but as long as it follows those guidelines why not give him access to LO rather than a few hours in the evening. What else is he going to do all day?

fauxshelley

Forgive me, I don't know your back story...  Has he ever seen LO or does he have any kind of relationship with her?  In other words, does she know him?  If not, I would not let him have her alone, simply for her comfort.  He needs to get to know her on a step up plan, which I know will be difficult with him living so far away.  I would start with skype sessions weekly and work up to supervised visits and then let him have her alone.  I hope you are able to work out something, as I truly believe that kids need their dads in their lives if at all possible.

Edit - If you have a CO, you have to follow that as closely as possible. 

mamastich

To answer a few questions, our CO says 'visitation upon mutual agreement' which to my understanding is whatever I agree to.

He has spent little to no time with LO, he saw her for 30 minutes in march and the spent a decent amount of time with her the first month of her life.

I work hard at separating my feelings for him and his relationship with LO. He kicked us out when she was 6 weeks old and we had to move across the country. Since then weve worked on getting along, hes paid almost all of the CS and is flying to see her. Hes getting a hotel and rental car. Its complicated because I live with my mom who doesnt like him but will tolerate him around. Ive had alot of emotions come up and am realizing I wont be able to handle much time around him. Hes still the only person I go to when I need to sort things out with our relationship and he listens. I have some work to do. I am warming up to the idea of enjoying the time hes here and having some more me time (or any me time really)

thanks for the advice! 

joliebebe

mamastich:

To answer a few questions, our CO says 'visitation upon mutual agreement' which to my understanding is whatever I agree to.

He has spent little to no time with LO, he saw her for 30 minutes in march and the spent a decent amount of time with her the first month of her life.

I work hard at separating my feelings for him and his relationship with LO. He kicked us out when she was 6 weeks old and we had to move across the country. Since then weve worked on getting along, hes paid almost all of the CS and is flying to see her. Hes getting a hotel and rental car. Its complicated because I live with my mom who doesnt like him but will tolerate him around. Ive had alot of emotions come up and am realizing I wont be able to handle much time around him. Hes still the only person I go to when I need to sort things out with our relationship and he listens. I have some work to do. I am warming up to the idea of enjoying the time hes here and having some more me time (or any me time really)

thanks for the advice! 

This is good to know. My BD lives across the country as well and I always wonder how the court deals with visitation like that. I know we probably live in different states so policies might be different, but I hadn't ever considered "visitation upon mutual agreement" as an option - or did you two agree on that versus a judge? Anyway, I understand all your concerns as they're my same ones, so keep us updated on how this goes! Best of luck.