Need to vent about DH & finances
As I was writing my other post, DH just pissed me off. Ahhhh!!!! I need to vent.
The few times we fight usually involve finances. Let's just say he's not very good with it. And thanks to marriage, I inherited all his debt. I'm not saying I'm an angel with money, but I have a better idea of how to save and spend.
Anyways, a few weeks ago, our gutters needed to be replaced. They did not work at all. My neighbors are all friendly and willing to help out with whatever (they harassed my husband when they saw me cleaning out our pond and one yelled at me when I was holding the ladder for DH when it was 100 degrees outside). Neighbors saw DH looking at/playing around with the gutters. They offered opinions, referrals, and one even offered his services. He has an independent handy-man business. DH and Handy-man discussed the situation. DH wanted to learn how to put up the gutters and so on. Not sure what all was discussed but somehow from fixing the boards behind the gutters and replacing the gutters, it turned into fixing all the holes around the house and repainting the house.
My understanding was DH was going to help out to lower the cost. Soccer has started and therefore DH is coaching most of the day and has helped out very little. Even when he comes home, his first move is to the couch and maybe eventually to help out Handy-man. I usually have to harass DH to get him to move, plus DH has had an eye infection (he caused it) and has been light sensitive limiting him working outside.
Handy-man started asking about payment last week. We are tight on money (again, DH does not know the value of it. I've yelled, I've cried in front of him for hours over it, I've given him an allowance, I've shown him budgets, nothing seems to get the money aspect in his brain). DH said they discussed at the beginning that it would be $1200 total. I was upset but did not argue because handy-man was doing a good job and figured we wouldn't have to do much over the next 10 years. DH was late to practice so I had to pay handy-man. When I went to write him the check, he started listing prices, that it was $1200 per WEEK (not total) and he had been there for a little over 2 weeks. Unfortunately, I do not have all the money and was not expecting the amount he told me.
Let's just say DH got a not-so-nice text from me. Oh, and the house is almost done being painted but the gutters are not up. Plus two weeks before we spent $1000 on tree trimming/removal. The tree removal was not needed, DH just didn't like the eyesore. DH's response to the text, "Oh, major miscommunication." I really want to drop kick him right now!!!
Dear DH,
You're about to have a child. I would like our child brought into this world without his parents still relying on their own parents for financial support. I would also like the nursey to have carpeting that does not smell like dog and rabbit pee. Please stop being a sh*t head and spending money WE DON'T HAVE. Thanks to you and your idiocracy, we are losing money from YOUR paycheck. Oh, and those Cubs Season tickets that are an "investment," well, they're still sitting in the cabinet not getting sold or being used. We don't live in Chicago and it costs us almost $100 everytime we go to the game. That is $100 we can be saving for your future child.
Everytime you see my parents and grandfather, you should be thanking them for setting me up with a nice savings and actual investments. I would like to keep those savings and investments for when we retire, not to dig our a**es out of debt YOU'RE putting us in.
Love,
Your pissed-off wife
Okay, I feel better now. I have had these conversations with DH but it usually involves me yelling which then he tunes me out or he just can't grasp the concept of saving money. 10 years of being together and 5 years of marriage; he still cannot grasp the concept of money.
Thank you for listening to my vent.
Re: Need to vent about DH & finances
I've learned to just put all accounts in my name and give him an allowance with no extras unless I purchase them.
I would take those tickets right now and sell them you told him to do it and he didn't so his loss!
Sorry all over the place on my phone and I can't see the original message.
Good luck!
JHB 1/19/09
Baby girl due 11/22/12!
Oh wow, I would be sooooo angry too. I don't blame you at all for being pissed.
Everyone handles finances differently, but have you thought about opening separate bank accounts, and keeping your joint account? We didn't merge all of our finances together when we got married, just opened a joint account. I have my own checking and savings account - as does he, along with his business account. Our joint account is used to pay bills and save for "family" things. Our individual accounts are for what is left over. This way, I can buy $75 worth of dog toys and bones, and he can't complain. Or he can buy ridiculous amounts of fishing lures and sunglasses (he goes through a pair a week, I swear), and I never have to see the damage on our finances. Just an idea.
DH loves his coffee too. I'm glad I was able to get him off Starbucks, but i'll still see Dunkin' Donuts and the convient store occasionally on the checking account. Problem is, he doesn't just get coffee. He has to get breakfast too. So then what was the point of my buying all those groceries including the breakfast food you specifically asked for?!
I wish I could sell the tickets! They keep getting rid of key players and have a crappy record. No one wants to see the Cubs. I'm also trying to train/practice parenting on him. He wanted these tickets even after last year when we lost a lot of money of them. I told him if he got these tickets, HE was responsible for selling games we did not go to. I'm tired of cleaning up his messes. Sorry, venting again. But glad I'm not the only one!
Oh wow, I would be sooooo angry too. I don't blame you at all for being pissed.
Everyone handles finances differently, but have you thought about opening separate bank accounts, and keeping your joint account? We didn't merge all of our finances together when we got married, just opened a joint account. I have my own checking and savings account - as does he, along with his business account. Our joint account is used to pay bills and save for "family" things. Our individual accounts are for what is left over. This way, I can buy $75 worth of dog toys and bones, and he can't complain. Or he can buy ridiculous amounts of fishing lures and sunglasses (he goes through a pair a week, I swear), and I never have to see the damage on our finances. Just an idea.
I wish we never merged finances. We married young (23, not bad but were the first of our friends) and barely surviving so we both relied on each other. I have thought about separating them again but we've been married for 5 years that I think it would be too hard. Even if I were to split just the mortgage and utilities between us, he would not be able to pay half with his college debt and credit card debt.
But your suggestions of separate accounts reminded me of something my mother did. Once we figure our incomes for this year (both of us are teachers so I'm not positive our new paycheck amounts, plus he's dropping to part time), I will open separate accounts for both of us. After paying bills and putting some away for savings, I'll put money in an each of our accounts for gas and whatever else we would like (him, coffee and going out to eat all the time). LIke you said, he can spend his money however he wants and I cannot argue with him. But now he'll have to keep track of his spending.
Thanks for the idea!
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, especially when expecting!
DH and I had some trouble when we first started living together. We were engaged and hadn't merged our accounts, which I think caused a lot of frivilous spending issues for us. But at the same time, since we weren't married yet, we didn't really want to wade into those combined financial waters just yet.
After we were married, and were tired of being in the hole we were in, we decided to listen to these Financial Peace University cd's that were lent to us. This helped us a TON. We now have an emergency fund, savings, and have only one thing on credit. It took a lot of time and sacrifice, but it put things in a better prespective for us. It's all practical information that we all know, but tend to ignore because of adds and friends and keeping up with the Jones'.
We do sometimes fall off the financial wagon, but we're both on the same page now and make adjustments where we need and should.
Total Money makeover by Dave Ramsey might be a good place to start, or the Suze Orman books?