Your thoughts on someone who spilled my beans?

clariknittist

I have a friend I have thus far considered close whom I also work with.  Because we are in a lot of the same work circles (which are extremely gossipy), when I shared my news about being pregnant with her, I explicitly asked her not to say anything.  There are lots of reasons for that, one of which is DH couldn't meet with his employers to discuss his schedules for the upcoming academic year until this week, and I haven't told some of the people who do hiring either - planning to after our a/s this week.  We just didn't want to risk anything getting around before we talked to those people ourselves, because seriously, the gossip mill is beyond active - it rules some lives around here...

It turns out she told an acquaintance who was nosy enough to ask that yes, I am pregnant.  I don't trust this acquaintance at all, and I have told this friend multiple times I feel uncomfortable around her because she was friends with DH's ex-wife.  I do the best I can, but I don't go out of my way to spend quality time with her.  I feel like this friend totally disregarded my feelings here...not to mention, there were some other recent work-related disappointments she flaked out on all in the same week.

I'm not a confrontational person, but this is really eating away at me.  So far I've written a pretty clear civil email ( I think ) but saved it as a draft so I can think about it.  It's hard to make friends in our line of work, and it's hard to trust anyone - I just thought I could trust her out of them all.  What would you do/say? 

this decaf life

I think if you know you're in a gossipy relationship with the people at your work you have to expect that someone letting it slip would be a real possibility. You might let her know you're disappointed in her telling if you really want to but I doubt I personally would bring it up.

horae4me

i would flip!!!!  i would want to scream at her.  i know normal people can't do that, but I would want to!   Maybe a short and simple email or conversation stating  how disappointed you are that she shared the news you had asked her to keep to herself.  And definitely let her know that since she can't be trusted, you won't be able to confide in her again. 

I know it's hard to be confrontational, but you haven't done anything wrong.  She went against your wishes.  It's not like you just wanted to keep it a secret, you have your very good reasons!

JaiteJanerico

I can understand the frustration. I am not one to bite my tongue when something is bothering me, so I would address it.  However, I would do it in person and not by email. It's easier to misconstrue the tone of an email  than a conversation.

lilijdo

I had the same problem. I had a friend, a very close friend, and I say I had because I don't trust her anymore and I cut all ties. She was my friend, her husband was my ex's friend. Because we were so close I felt I had to tell her that I was pregnant, I asked her, begged her to not to tell her husband, and I told her if she did to ask him to not tell my ex. It was not one week later when my ex texted me. I didn't want him to know for numerous personal reasons, one of them being that he was a possessive freak and I was afraid that he could upset me enough and would make the miscarriage. Yes, indeed he upset me, but thanks God everything is fine with my baby. When all this happened I was talking to my co-worker, which was another person that I trusted, and was saying how upset I was that my friend had spilled my beans, I got a feeling that the co-worker had done the same, then I asked her, and she said yes, she said that she had told her mother, which loves to gossip, I got very upset and did not know what to do. I felt betrayed. The following day I came to the office and I said : listen, we have to talk, I am really disappointed that you told your mother about my pregnancy since I asked you to not tell anyone. I really don't feel comfortable talking about my private life with you, I don't want to burden you with things you have to keep to yourself. She apologized and we still talk, but I choose very carefully what I want to share with her. Once one looses the trust it is very difficult to get it back. I really don't understand why people think they have the right to tell everyone about our pregnancy. It is not like we are hiding it, it is just that we know better when it is time to tell. Some time ago I would be quiet, but I learned how to speak up, and I'm sorry if anyone gets offended, but it is my body, it is my baby, it is my family, so back off.

I hope it helps. 

samantha0106

I would be very upset if I were you. I believe when you tell someone something it is between the two of you, you shouldn't have to say don't tell anyone. It should be expected. Especially when it comes to something so sensitive as a pregnancy. If I were you I would tell this "friend" how you feel. Without this conversation she will keep up this behavior and your frustration with her will only build up until you explode. You don't want that!

nycitygirl1

JaiteJanerico:

I can understand the frustration. I am not one to bite my tongue when something is bothering me, so I would address it.  However, I would do it in person and not by email. It's easier to misconstrue the tone of an email  than a conversation.

Agree with this.

sesigs

I totally understand your frustration. I've had someone (accidentally) spilled the beans about my pregnancy at work. But the truth is no matter WHO you tell you have realize that giving others this information means there is a chance it could get out. I have found that no matter how much you tell a person to keep it confidential it just doesn't always work (and this goes for co-workers, close friends, and family members alike).

If I were you I would just take a deep breath and let it go. If this acquaintance starts going around with the news then I would say something to my friend. 

Shoppy20

JaiteJanerico:

I can understand the frustration. I am not one to bite my tongue when something is bothering me, so I would address it.  However, I would do it in person and not by email. It's easier to misconstrue the tone of an email  than a conversation.

I also agree with the above.  Why people feel the need to share news that isn't theirs to share is beyond me. 

My brother in law told his 3 SMALL CHILDREN I was pregnant before 12 weeks and they in turn told the whole family.  I was BEYOND annoyed and frankly hurt that they wouldn't allow me the joy of sharing my news.  This isn't as serious as jeopardizing a career like yours, so I can only imagine your frustration.  Good luck.

LaurelBee

If it happened differently, say at 7w and your friend was the instigator, I would be livid! But since it happened almost half way through your pregnancy and Nosey asked her about it, I would definitely be annoyed! But would either let it go or say something like "Yeah, I really wish you wouldn't have told Nosey- I don't want her to know my business."  It lets her know you're disappointed but you don't need to sever ties with her, kwim? Sorry she went against your wishes.

zonagirlie

I know it sucks and you have every right to be pissed, but you spilled the beans first. You should know that people are stupid and can't be trusted for the most part. If you tell one person, expect others to know. That's just the way it works. If you value this person as a friend, talk to her in person about how much it hurt, but an email is fairly passive aggressive and might hurt her. If you are pissed enough, end the friendship because she's a blabbermouth, but in the end, it's on you for telling her in the first place. Some people just can't be trusted. At least now you know this friend is not one of those trustworthy friends. I'm sorry it happened that way. Just sucks. Now focus on the cute little bean and try to move on.

misscarter87

lilijdo:

I had the same problem. I had a friend, a very close friend, and I say I had because I don't trust her anymore and I cut all ties. She was my friend, her husband was my ex's friend. Because we were so close I felt I had to tell her that I was pregnant, I asked her, begged her to not to tell her husband, and I told her if she did to ask him to not tell my ex. It was not one week later when my ex texted me. I didn't want him to know for numerous personal reasons, one of them being that he was a possessive freak and I was afraid that he could upset me enough and would make the miscarriage. Yes, indeed he upset me, but thanks God everything is fine with my baby. When all this happened I was talking to my co-worker, which was another person that I trusted, and was saying how upset I was that my friend had spilled my beans, I got a feeling that the co-worker had done the same, then I asked her, and she said yes, she said that she had told her mother, which loves to gossip, I got very upset and did not know what to do. I felt betrayed. The following day I came to the office and I said : listen, we have to talk, I am really disappointed that you told your mother about my pregnancy since I asked you to not tell anyone. I really don't feel comfortable talking about my private life with you, I don't want to burden you with things you have to keep to yourself. She apologized and we still talk, but I choose very carefully what I want to share with her. Once one looses the trust it is very difficult to get it back. I really don't understand why people think they have the right to tell everyone about our pregnancy. It is not like we are hiding it, it is just that we know better when it is time to tell. Some time ago I would be quiet, but I learned how to speak up, and I'm sorry if anyone gets offended, but it is my body, it is my baby, it is my family, so back off.

I hope it helps. 

i totally understand how you feel i dont get why ppl think its ok to tell others about your pregnancy like why!! when you feel ok with it you will tell ppl!

drpayne

Wait.... why is it a secret at this point?  Normally I'd be super-annoyed, too, but maybe she assumed it was public knowledge now?

clariknittist

I feel like I should give a couple more details: I freelance as a musician, which is a hugely reputation (or gossip) based environment, and all the people in my little saga are also freelance musicians to varying degrees.  If people like the way you play, your name gets around and the important people hire you.  But if ONE silly rumor gets around, people stop hiring you.  I grew up in this kind of work situation as my parents do the same thing, and I've seen how information handled the wrong way can blow up.  Case in point, when I first started doing this, one person erroneously spread to several contractors I lived more than an hour away (maybe he confused me with someone else who did, I'll never know for sure), and I did not get hired regularly until three years in when I changed my location ON FACEBOOK.  Stupid, right?  But that's what we're talking about.  If it sounds crazy, it's because it is.  Frankly, this friend and acquaintance and other people about our age (young for what we're doing) call me when they have questions about a gig - like, is it good, what circle of people will be on it, how should I handle such and such decions, etc. because even if I haven't ever done it myself, I will know about it.

Many of the steady gigs I have didn't even send out contracts for the coming year (through July '13) until about a week ago.  I really just need to have it in writing that I'll have work after the baby's born, because then I can still show up and do a good job and this largely male-dominated circle will hopefully not look at me a lot differently.  It's kind of hard to impart just how nutty some of this stuff is without making it into a novel, and I honestly think this friend and acquaintance of mine just hasn't been around it as long as I have or as seriously as I have.  But, the people (and especially the handful of mom's) who have been around it longer all say the same thing, that you have to play these kinds of hands really close, as stupid as it may seem.

Secondly, the acquaintance poking around thing actually happened a couple weeks ago, so not only was I not showing, but she hadn't even seen me since I was pregnant except at a wedding about a month ago where I guess I visibly wasn't drinking.  I had only gained 3 pounds total at that point so no, it wasn't public knowledge, and frankly, it still isn't.  I really only started showing this week, and I'm carrying pretty low.  I had lost some weight before I conceived, and really I can still comfortably wear the larger size pants I wore before.  We also tend to dress in all black at these jobs, and most of my tops are pretty drapey.  So even though I'm starting to show, even my husband and family have said they'd have to know to look.  

I don't know if that makes any more sense, or less sense, but that's where I'm at... 

ETA: Thank you for your thoughts and opinions, I've been talking my husband's ear off about it and there's nothing new to say about it, poor guy.  I know I need to either do something about it or just get over it at this point...but thanks for your understanding!  It helps to know I'm not totally off-base.

SanDimasMama

I think you put your friend in an awkward situation if you have a bump and coworkers may suspect. People would expect your closer friends to know, and the only option you gave her was to lie to the woman who was "nosy enough to ask." Even if she stayed silent that would be a dead giveaway. 

 I would not have lied, I would have said nothing and then come to you and explained what happened. And you would be mad at me, and I would be frustrated: I NEVER lie, and I am very trustworthy but I don't expect to be given secrets I will be asked directly about. Sometimes it's easy to say "well I don't want to talk about clariknittist's personal life" but again: to NOT give a clear answer to a question like 'is she pregnant?" is the same as saying YES.

 It would be totally different if she intentionally blabbed about it, but in this case I would forgive and move on. 

clariknittist

SanDimasMama:

I think you put your friend in an awkward situation if you have a bump and coworkers may suspect. People would expect your closer friends to know, and the only option you gave her was to lie to the woman who was "nosy enough to ask." Even if she stayed silent that would be a dead giveaway. 

 I would not have lied, I would have said nothing and then come to you and explained what happened. And you would be mad at me, and I would be frustrated: I NEVER lie, and I am very trustworthy but I don't expect to be given secrets I will be asked directly about. Sometimes it's easy to say "well I don't want to talk about clariknittist's personal life" but again: to NOT give a clear answer to a question like 'is she pregnant?" is the same as saying YES.

 It would be totally different if she intentionally blabbed about it, but in this case I would forgive and move on. 

I get what you're saying, but I also hope you read my second comment here.  The whole thing is so long, I tried to condense it...but there's more where the acquaintance tried to book my husband for something, he could do it so said yes, then she freaked and postponed it until around the time I'm due.  When he said no he couldn't do it at the new time and even helped her find a replacement (not actually his responsibility), she would not let it rest.  She kept pestering wanting to know why he couldn't do it, wouldn't he reconsider, I believe her words were "how could he POSSIBLY be that busy."  That is what prompted the nosing around, not my appearance, especially since this was all a few weeks ago.

I too think it would be ridiculous for me to be reacting at all if I was walking around looking pregnant, someone asked the one friend I confided in directly right at the end of my first trimester, and then be upset when the answer became obvious...but I don't feel like that's what happened here.

nattn

I read all of your post so far so I feel like a grasp the situation. Yes, I would be annoyed. At the same time though, sometimes if I'm caught off guard, I just can't come up with a good reply quick enough. Maybe your friend was caught off guard and felt like nosy person would know either way. By telling her, she could at least ask her to keep it a secret.

I think I would be more annoyed that the other person was being nosy and asked your friend instead of you. 

ariellabe

lilijdo:

I had the same problem. I had a friend, a very close friend, and I say I had because I don't trust her anymore and I cut all ties. She was my friend, her husband was my ex's friend. Because we were so close I felt I had to tell her that I was pregnant, I asked her, begged her to not to tell her husband, and I told her if she did to ask him to not tell my ex. It was not one week later when my ex texted me. I didn't want him to know for numerous personal reasons, one of them being that he was a possessive freak and I was afraid that he could upset me enough and would make the miscarriage. Yes, indeed he upset me, but thanks God everything is fine with my baby. When all this happened I was talking to my co-worker, which was another person that I trusted, and was saying how upset I was that my friend had spilled my beans, I got a feeling that the co-worker had done the same, then I asked her, and she said yes, she said that she had told her mother, which loves to gossip, I got very upset and did not know what to do. I felt betrayed. The following day I came to the office and I said : listen, we have to talk, I am really disappointed that you told your mother about my pregnancy since I asked you to not tell anyone. I really don't feel comfortable talking about my private life with you, I don't want to burden you with things you have to keep to yourself. She apologized and we still talk, but I choose very carefully what I want to share with her. Once one looses the trust it is very difficult to get it back. I really don't understand why people think they have the right to tell everyone about our pregnancy. It is not like we are hiding it, it is just that we know better when it is time to tell. Some time ago I would be quiet, but I learned how to speak up, and I'm sorry if anyone gets offended, but it is my body, it is my baby, it is my family, so back off.

I hope it helps. 

^^^this

 

ariellabe

I wouldn't send the email.  I would tell her face to face.  Personally, I would relegate this person to acquaintance status especially since she is a coworker. I couldn't trust someone like that again.  Now, I can be civil - heck even joke with a person but that doesn't mean we close friends or bffs.  

Now, I have friends that I can be honest with and vice versa.  At the end of the day I know they have my back.  If she can't understand what she did was wrong and/or doesn't apologize then it's obvious that the friendship wasn't as solid as you thought.

Just my two cents

clariknittist

Thanks for your thoughts, ladies.  I don't feel like I have friends here I can talk to about this, so it really helps me to get your take on it!  I think the consensus that I shouldn't do any talking about it over email is right.