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January 2013 Moms
LaurelBee
member
WWYD re: wedding ettiquette
LaurelBee
member
My good friend from college is getting married. I was super close with her, but we drifted apart after graduation. She's never met my Ds (2.5).
I received a shower invite that's 3.5 hrs away. In the invite it says I can donate money to her 3 "funds" Honeymoon, Camera, and Baby. So wait, I'm supposed to give you money for your wedding shower that will actually go towards a future baby??? Ooooookkkkkk. So do I just send a gift then? Obviously I'm not "donating" to her funds. I'm unable to go to the shower.
Second question- I got the invite yesterday and it's addressed to me and not to both of us. Dh met her the same time I did in college, so he's been friends with her for nearly 11 yrs too. (Wow, we're old.) He's hurt, but is pretty understanding. Her wedding is 3.5 hrs away on a Friday. Which means I would have to pay childcare for Ds on Friday, a hotel bc I couldn't drive home after the 6pm ceremony, and obviously a gift. Would you suck it up and go?? I'm just annoyed she didn't invite my H. I never expected an invite for Ds, so I guess I anticipated paying for a sitter on Fri/Saturday (or have Ds stay with family.)
It takes a special amount of bitch to induce menstruation in another person. - LovelyRitaMeterMaid
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Re: WWYD re: wedding ettiquette
Wow.... she needs an etiquette lesson!
For the shower- I would just send a gift and liek you said, stay away from her "funds"... how tacky!!
For the wedding, I wouldnt go. I think it is incredibly rude to not invite your H. I dont get it at all.... you guys are a social unit.
It's very rare that I'm speechless. I'm speechless. But let me try to find some words . . .
Shower: Honestly, I wouldn't get her a thing. Asking for fund contributions is beyond tacky and if you 2 have drifted apart and you are not attending the shower, I would plan on sending a wedding present, but would not buy her 2 gifts
Wedding: I would not go. I would send a gift and a card and be done with it.
ETA: And I'm not saying don't send a gift to the shower because I'm trying to be b*tchy. I just think if you can't attend either event that one nice gift for the wedding would be sufficient under the circumstances.
Ditto.
I know you're technically supposed to send a gift to a shower you're invited to even if you don't attend, but I feel like that rule is voided by her "fund" requests.
I'm baffled that she didn't invite your H to the wedding. Is it safe to assume she's just ignorant and didn't address the invite properly (and instead rudely just put your name and assumed you'd bring H)? Or is it very obvious that you're the only one invited?
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All of this...you could not get her anything for her shower, but I always try and be the better person...I wouldn't fund her honeymoon...just get her a typical but useful weddingish gift.
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BFP #3: EDD 1/10/13 **DS born 12/30/12!!!**
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Agree with this. I would send one gift with my regrets of being unable to attend either event.
Unless she is pregnant this minute, that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of in regards to weddings.
It is tacky. I'd send her a gift card for $25 to Target. I wouldn't go to the wedding, that is too far away and she apparently doesn't know etiquette that you don't just invite one person when you're married. To me, this is a "money grabbing" bride and she's probably 99% sure you will NOT be coming to the wedding, but expects a gift. In my experience, I RARELY send money/gifts when I'm not attending the wedding or the shower.
One thing to keep in mind regarding the shower is that she probably did not create the invite. I did not see my shower invite until after my shower. I wouldn't be so harsh here unless you are sure she had input into it.
As for the wedding... that is just rude and I would not go. I would send one gift for both
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I would definitely not go to the wedding. Send a card.
ETA: And for a gift? Anything by Emily Post.
This is true, BUT there's no way that the hosts are the ones who set up these "funds" I don't buy that. Since these funds are specifically mentioned she HAD to have input into what went on the invites. Plus, are there any registries that you know of? Sometimes people do this sort of thing and then don't do any registries specifically with the intention of trying to "encourage" people only to give cash.
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She would definitely just get a gift from me.
And etiquite dictates that if a person is married them and their spouse get invited to the wedding. I would send my regrets & nothing else.
I really didn't want to send a gift for the shower, but I didn't want to seem cheap! I'm glad I'm not the only one
She also registered at Target, so it's not all about money grabbing. I'll probably send a GC to target or VS or something...
For the wedding, our mutual friend got her invite first and it was only addressed to her. She's in a long term relationship, but is not married. She called the bride to confirm, her BF was not invited. According to the bride, they are having a really small wedding and didn't even invite some family members.
I will call our mutual friend to see if she's going to the wedding. Then we could travel together and share a hotel- if she doesn't go, I could always ask the bride if Dh could take her spot on the guest list... and if we don't go I could get a hotel in the city with Dh and have a baby moon instead
Eta- invite was addressed to Mrs. Laurelbee Lastname (married name)
Right? I'm trying to remind myself that I already had my wedding, so each bride is entitled to have her "perfect" day too. But dayum, the etiquette lapses are hard to wrap my head around!
Also, I just realized I spelled etiquette wrong in the subject!
I would buy a present off of her Target registry (GC would be fine too) and would not attend the shower. It wouldn't be horrible of you to not get her a gift for the shower.
For the wedding there is no way I would attend without my husband. I would send my regrets as well as a gift and a card (typically we do money or gift cards for weddings but in this case I would probably do a physical gift of some sort).
1/12/13 DD was born
4/9/16 DS was born
9/17 CP
6/23/18 BFP EDD 3/4/19
I agree with what everyone else has said. I wouldn't go to the shower, and probably just send a gift for the wedding. (I would definitely not contruibute to her "funds" - isn't that what a savings account is for???? To me, that's like me inviting people to my baby shower and saying, instead of a gift, please make a deposit into my 401K.,.tacky)
As for the wedding, I wouldn't go either. Sounds like they're trying to be frugal with the wedding anyway (between the lack of proper invite for spouses, and the whole fund ordeal). Sounds like it'd be doing you both a favor. I'd send a gift and enjoy the weekend doing something with the WHOLE family.
Good luck.
What would I do? Let this friendship die.
Honestly, not sure why you'd still consider going to the wedding. One of the more ridiculous things I have ever heard of is having a wedding and not inviting serious SOs and spouses. If you can't afford my spouse, save yourself some more dough and don't bother inviting me. I agree with pp who said you're a social unit.
I get trying to make a guest list shorter, but c'mon. You can't split up couples like that.
Okay I know it's not supposed to be tit for tat, but what did she get you for your wedding? Did she send you anything when DS was born -- including a card or nice note? Has she been caring and kind in asking about details about DS?
If she went out of her way for you, not necessarily in terms of monetary amounts, but in showing her care for you, then maybe I'd consider getting her just one gift (but no fund donations) and a sweet card, but if not I'd just politely decline the events.
Norah transformed our family January 6, 2013
First off let me just say that I have never heard of only 1/2 of a married couple being invited to a wedding. That is so tacky!
I think you should probably either email her or call her and try to subtly find out if she really meant to "just" invite you (does she know you're married now?) or if she had an airhead moment and didn't think to put your DH's name on the envelope. If she doesn't invite your DH I would say skip it - who needs friends like that! Just send a gift and be done with it in that case - way cheaper than shelling out money to go to an event alone.
3 IUIs to get BFP w/baby #2
Lost baby #2 at nearly 12 weeks (D&C on 9/19/14)
Wow, that is craziness!!! I can't believe she isn't inviting partners and spouses! I would not go to the wedding. Send a congrats gift card, but that's it.
4 losses- MC in 2006, MMC in February 2012 at 12 weeks and MMC (twins) August 2016 at 12 weeks. Pregnant again- 11/7/16. Another loss on December 28, 2016.
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I get small weddings -- we had one. It never entered my mind to not invite a married couple, however. That's just plain rude. We sat down and tried to trim the list as much as possible before invites went out.
And if any of my friends/family sent out a bridal shower invitation that referenced making a donation to any "funds," I would have died. Perhaps I was just raised differently, though.
Some friendships need to die. This would be one I would gladly let wither away.
No. This isn't true at all. And it is even less true for someone that you aren't close to. Can you imagine if we were obligated to give gifts for every card/invite announcement we received!? It would never end and we would get these things from people we haven't seen in years and people who don't even like us!
Sorry, rant over. OP, the only thing you are obligated to do is send in your rsvps. The rest is up to you. Personally, I would stay home b/c you aren't close anymore and it sounds like a hassle. Does she not know you're married or is she just trying to save money?
While she may not have created the invitation, or even seen it for that matter, she had to have provided the guest list and I highly doubt that whomever hosted the party would add the incredibly tacky funds line without her permission. Meaning, I assume (which I hate people doing, yet here I am) that she definitely contributed to that invite and may have even seen them.
I read through the posts somewhat quickly, so maybe I missed this. However, did you actually get a wedding invitation? It sounded like you were only talking about the shower invite, in which case it doesn't surprise me that your name was the only one listed. Many brides only have women at their showers.
To be completely honest, I'm not sure that I'd send a gift to either. I think it's sort of awkward to send a gift for one, but not the other. If I were even somewhat close to the person, I'd send a gift to both. However, it seems like you're really surprised to be invited in the first place. If you're not really friends anymore, then I'd probably just send my regrets to both. I'm sure this is not etiquette friendly. However, I'd be weirded out to get the invite in the first place. Not to mention, if you did in fact get a wedding invitation as well that was only directed towards you, then she already broke all etiquette rules. You do not invite someone to a wedding and not include their wife/husband. If she were trying to cut costs and keep it small, why invite someone she doesn't talk to anymore in the first place?! End of story.
BFP #1 5/12/12; EDD 1/20/13; Eliana Grace born 1/25/13
BFP #2 12/11/13; EDD 8/23/14; M/C 6 weeks
BFP #3 4/3/14; EDD 12/13/14