Friendships

Staceyyy469

So I'm a young mom to be. When I have my LO, ill be 20. I'm the first of my friends to get married, move away, and now to have a baby. Most of them haven't even been in serious commitments. Not saying its a bad thing, it's just that sometimes I feel like they don't understand. They have been my best friends but I'm realizing our lives are going separate directions. I'm settling down with the hubs and preparing for our baby. They are all out partying at college and expect me to be able to drop everything and go with them. Has anyone else been in the same situation? I don't want to loose these friends but its hard being friends with someone who just doesnt understand. 

ShandaB

Of course they don't understand.  They're life is completely different than yours. They really shouldn't be expected to know what your life is like since that's something they haven't yet experienced.  You should cut them some slack and just explain to them that you're not able to do that things anymore but thanks for the invite. 

chefsteph

I got married when I was 20. (Navy Wife). In and of itself being a military spouse is a completely different animal than what most people can related to. The important thing  I found with my friends was not to lose myself in my marriage or the new adult life i found. I learned there are different scenarios you do with different people. You can still go out with your girlfriends every once and a while. But for my friends in couples, I would try to plan double dates at night. If I just go out with my girlfriends I try to do things in the day, like shopping, mani-pedis, lunches, the gym (most of which you can still bring the LO with you). I reserve the evenings for the most part for the hubs. At the same time while you are evolving into a more mature life style you are going to end up meeting people at the same point in life as you. 

zonagirlie

I'm in the opposite boat. I waited to get married and have kids. All of my friends have been married a while and are done having kids. So now I'm the Johnny Comelately who they all want to tell how to do things "their" way. It can be frustrating when you're in a different mode of life. I have no pregnant friends IRL, they all live in my computer

Staceyyy469

In a way I know exactly what you mean. I'm a military wife too.. (Marines) All the friends I have down here are extremely understanding and even if they arn't moms, they get the lifestyle. But the friends I'm referring to are my home-town friends. My husband is deploying later and I'll be moving back up with my family. I guess this was more of a vent/worry about whats to come. 

Mrs.DeliaMarieP

As pp said, there really is no way for them to completely understand.  Do explain it to them, and try to make plans with them at a time that is convenient for you, or at least in enough advance that you can make arrangements for baby if you're gonna go out at night.  Your real friends will understand and will accomodate, and your not-so-real friends won't.  You will know the difference as time goes on. 

Unfortunately, that is a part of life whether babies/marriage are involved or not.  People change, relationships evolve.  Even though it's hard to let go, sometimes that's what's best for everyone.

==N==

I was in the same situation, when i had my ds I was 20. you cant make them understand but eventually they will all settle down and you'll have more in common again. Its kind of neat because now that all my friends are having their first kids Im the one they come to for advice because Ive had 6 years experience already.

ashcody2

Well, from a different point of view. I am 25 and most of my friends have already had kids, I'm one of the last ones without children but you're right, before I was pregnant I didn't understand their situation and a few of us did lose touch and go our separate ways somewhat. Now that I'm pregnant, I see a lot of my girlfriends who have kids coming back around to me because they have been in this situation. I think that you do find out who your real friends are, and you may lose some who just don't want to be involved with children, harsh but true. You will eventually meet other moms though and have a lot more in common. It sucks, but I think it will be easier to be around other moms since they can relate.

wootownlady

To the OP - I'm sorry you are feeling isolated and misunderstood by your friends - that's not a fun feeling at any age. But, here's the tough love part from someone who is 12+ years older than you - (this is what I would tell my 21 year old sister) --  the sooner you accept that you are moving in a different direction than your friends, and that separation/distance, even losing friends, is normal for these circumstances and okay - the sooner you'll be able to be at peace, not feel so left out, and be open to making new friendships with women doing the same things as you (marriage, house, baby).

 Be proud of the great life steps you are taking and don't hold your friends' lifestyle against them.

I wish you lots of good new friendships - you'll meet women/moms at birthing class, at daycare if you go that route, in the park/playground, in your neighborhood -- and you'll be okay. Husbands, houses and babies take so much time, there's hardly time for friends sometimes (I've found!).

Hugs - and good luck

URMySunshine77

Mrs.DeliaMarieP:

As pp said, there really is no way for them to completely understand.  Do explain it to them, and try to make plans with them at a time that is convenient for you, or at least in enough advance that you can make arrangements for baby if you're gonna go out at night.  Your real friends will understand and will accomodate, and your not-so-real friends won't.  You will know the difference as time goes on. 

Unfortunately, that is a part of life whether babies/marriage are involved or not.  People change, relationships evolve.  Even though it's hard to let go, sometimes that's what's best for everyone.

I agree with Delia Marie. You will find that groups of friends cycle in and out. You may lose some of your single friends, but the true ones will stick by you. Don't get discouraged because you will probably make new friends of other mothers.

From experience, I can say don't take it personally when friendships fade.  

drpayne

Tough as it is, that's life.  I'm not that young and still have a ton of friends who dont get it. We recently took a trip with a big group of people. Some have kids and some dont. Those who don't can't understand stand why those of us with kids were going to bed so early. I can explain  a million times that my child gets up at 6:30 but until they live it they won't understand. If there are ways you can meet other moms I'd focus on that:) 

jterpbride

I'm 30 and yet most of my friends are unmarried and not having kids. So I get it. I have some friends who are moving in that direction, as in getting into serious relationships, and in general my group has slowed down quite a bit in the last few years when it comes to going out and drinking.

Still, it's definitely hard to feel like the odd one out when it comes to drinking and going out. A few of my girlfriends planned a beach trip last month without me and that stung (they didn't mean to leave me out, but it felt that way). Then, when I realized they went out and kissed boys and got drunk each night, I couldn't blame them (they're single and are safe about those things, why not?). But I was very happy I wasn't there, it's just not the place for me anymore. 

LaurelBee

I'm 30 now but have been with Dh since we were 19. I shudder to think about what our life had been like had we started our family earlier. We loved to party, had no responsibilities, and it worked for us. We were young and had LOTS of growing up to do. I assume most of your friends are like that, which is totally fine! And it sounds like you're mature beyond your age and that's a good thing too! It's ok to loosen the friendship hold for now and find new friends with similar intetests. When your friends decide to settle down, they'll start inviting you over for dinner parties and play dates GL girlie

sekura

zonagirlie:

I'm in the opposite boat. I waited to get married and have kids. All of my friends have been married a while and are done having kids. So now I'm the Johnny Comelately who they all want to tell how to do things "their" way. It can be frustrating when you're in a different mode of life. I have no pregnant friends IRL, they all live in my computer

  Although I'm a latecomer due to IF, which was in itself a journey none of our friends understood, I'm right there with you.  My friends will all have 1-2 year-olds (or much older) by the time this LO is born. And they ALL want to give advice.  I usually listen politely and ignore most of it.

==N==

dont forget that while theyre out livin it up theyre the ones missing out  (even though they dont realize it yet) because being a mom is the best thing ever!

kac22

I totally understand where you're coming from and am in the same boat myself. I'm 21 and still in school so pretty much everyone my age is all about partying, drinking and what not and I'm just at a totally different stage in my life.As PPs have said the real friends stay and the others ones don't and it can be a hard adjustment at first but honestly you're better off that way. 

DH and I actually spend a lot more time with our families now than friends anyways. I think it's just a part of growing up, but it's definitely more difficult to do when you're doing it and no one else is. 

Mommyluv384

I've been there .. I was a bit older though(25) my close gf's were all still in party mode. They were happy about baby but not there for me. It's hard. For me I relaized relationships change not always for the worst, and things got easier after I had the baby, I live about 4 hours away but we talk everyday. But it takes 2 people to maintain the friendship even if it's a quick text it's something

sabrina134

I understand completely.. I'm not married but I am also 20 and a young mom to be ..when I have my LO I'll be 21. All of my friends are pretty much doing the same thing, partying at college doing their own thing..which is completely fine and the truth is I don't think they will ever truly understand until they are in your shoes one day. I came to realize that we all do have separate lives now and our priorities are way different then theirs, but that doesn't mean they don't care..they just don't understand and can't relate. I know exactly how your feeling because I feel the same way..its hard to deal with especially when they are your close friends..but in the end they are all there for you, they might not understand completely but they will one day, as for now you just have to do whats best for yourself your husband, and your baby and that's all that matters .

EAMommy

sekura:

zonagirlie:

I'm in the opposite boat. I waited to get married and have kids. All of my friends have been married a while and are done having kids. So now I'm the Johnny Comelately who they all want to tell how to do things "their" way. It can be frustrating when you're in a different mode of life. I have no pregnant friends IRL, they all live in my computer

  Although I'm a latecomer due to IF, which was in itself a journey none of our friends understood, I'm right there with you.  My friends will all have 1-2 year-olds (or much older) by the time this LO is born. And they ALL want to give advice.  I usually listen politely and ignore most of it.

This. Except all of my friends' kids are in school already... The youngest child (before our baby is born) will be entering kindergarten this year. The oldest is in middle school... Thankfully, I'm not getting a lot of advice because my degree is in early childhood and for the past several years, even though I wasn't a mom yet, they still come to me for the advice!

sbevmc09

I've been in your exact situation.  I was 23 when DS was born and definitely in a different place than a lot of my friends.  Although, to be honest, I had been in a different place for a long time.  Unfortunately, those friendships didn't really last.  They really started dying off before I was even pregnant, but once I was dealing with pregnancy and then a baby it was pretty much the end.  It's not that I don't care about those people anymore, I do, it's just... I don't really have much in common with them anymore.  It kind of sucks, but I guess it just kind of happens.

ETA: I can say that I've made a lot of great friends since DS was born.  Before I was pregnant I was in this weird spot where my old friends weren't really good friends anymore and I didn't really have anywhere to meet new people.  It was actually kind of sad because I'm a pretty social person and I definitely missed having friends.  Once I had DS my husband encouraged me to get involved with a playgroup and it's the best thing I ever did.  It's amazing how easy it is to make friends with other moms when you're all going through the same thing.  It's just really easy to have something to bond over.  I've met some really great ladies thanks to DS

ReeceFamily

I've been on the other side of that equation for a long time...I didn't marry until I was 38 and am just on my first child (just the way things went for me).  I can affirm that your friends who are not married/not having kids DON'T get it. I certainly didn't, because it just wasn't where I was at.  I had tons of freedom, moved around, explored, lived in NYC.  And grew very far apart from my college friends who settled down right away.  It's neither good nor bad, it just is.  I'm not sure there is much you can do about it, except cherish the friendships you had, nurture the ones that last, and look forward to meeting new, young parents who share your current life experience.

While I have no regrets, I'm jealous that your kids will be out of the house by the time you are my age!  So weird. 

st.augbride

While I am 32 and have not been in that situation, I will say that what you are experiencing is not uncommon. They are at a different point in life than you, and while hopefully you'll stay close, they just aren't going to be in a place where they can understand what you're going through or feeling. I do recommend finding some groups with people in a similar position as you so that you can extend your social circle with other young couples and/or moms.

StarrSquared

As harsh as it might sound, you'll find out who your real friends are shortly. I went through the same thing. DH and i got married when i was 20, We had DD 2 weeks before i turned 21 and it was super hard. My "friends" said that since i had a kid they couldnt hang out because they wanted to go party. and you know what. all the more power to them, when they look back and regret that they couldnt handle having a real relationship and they couldnt deal with having a friend who had her life together and had something that actually held a significance, i'll know that in the end im better off with out them. My best friend was the kind of girl who would go out and party but the moment i got pregnant with DD she would make a point to come over to my house every other weekend and hang out with me so i didnt feel so alone. She even went to some OB appointments with me when DH couldnt I know it's frusturating. but, you dont really want people who are going to party hard all the time and do who knows what, around your kid. Embrace who sticks around but if any one comes back and says sorry be there for them too.

LittleNugget2013

This is me too! Most of my friends have two to four children already and I'm just now on my first. They all expect me to do everything they say because they are more experienced. I always welcome the advice but sometimes it gets old.