9 Months (rainbow pg mentioned)

weddedwife

Today it has been 9 months since Nathaniel was born & died. I've been sort of in a fog all day, not really feeling anything about it. And of course I feel guilty about that. I think the emotion is coming later though...

Last night DH and I were talking and I said it doesn't seem real that it was 9 months ago- and he agrees that it feels like much longer. It feels like another lifetime, and I guess it was. I feel so sad for our sweet baby, the baby boy we really, really wanted. And here we are wrapped up in another pregnancy, scared for it, nearing the milestone where we lost Nathaniel. The anxiety is mounting and i feel it building up. I've been so caught up in this pg that I haven't spent much time grieving lately and I feel sad about that.

I know that the sadness doesn't always fall on the anniversary dates. It will come at some random moment and hit me then. I just wanted to come here and acknowledge my baby boy bc no one IRL remembers the anniversaries anymore, not that very many people did even in the beginning. I know you ladies understand the need to acknowledge our babies. Thanks for listening.

cmenasco

I'm sorry for your loss of Nathaniel and I am so thankful for this board where we can come to remember our LO.  I can't even imagine being 9 months out from our loss but I know that day will come and I will want people to lean on at 9 mo, 10 mo 12 mo.  Your post does give me hope though, so thank you.  It reminds me that I can still love, and one day when we are ready, hopefully have our own rainbow baby.  I'm so scared that by getting pregnant again some day, that we will forget out little girl.  I know it's silly but I feel guilty even thinking about a rainbow baby and it feels like I'm betraying my little girl. Sorry if I'm rattling.  Just wanted to say thank you for the hope, and so sorry you are feeling sad.  Big hugs.

karebear57

I am so sorry. I know just how you feel being 9 months out. I felt in a fog that day also. It's weird but for me it feels like I just had her, it was hard to believe 9 months had already gone by. And your right, it doesn't have to be an anniversary to miss our LO's, it happens anytime. I am so glad to have all you mommy's here to go through this with! People IRL just don't understand.

lmielocl1

(((Hugs)))  I am so sorry!!  Thank you for sharing with us!  We are here to listen!  

Thinking of you!

- Leslie

~ Mommy to Aaron, 21 months and to our angel, Ethan James, born sleeping at 18w on 6/15/12. 

sebailey6

I completely understand how you are feeling about the angelversary. Yesterday was Kalani's 2wk birthday in heaven, so I was also in a fog. Try not to feel guilty about not grieving...Nathaniel knows you love him! And I'm sure he doesn't want you to be sad about him...but to be excited that you are giving him a sibling! I know though...way easier said than done. Although, I'm not pregnant (not yet anyway)...and can't imagine the stress that goes along with being pregnant after a late loss yet...I can at least sympathize. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Nathaniel definitely knows and feels your love.

Bayberry12

Looking back at my pregnancy feels like another lifetime, and in a way it was, even though it was only 3 months ago.  It feels so far away, and I can't believe how time just keeps going forward, and we just keep taking one day at a time. 

I hope you have some peace when you reach the milestone.   

sebailey6

Bayberry12:

Looking back at my pregnancy feels like another lifetime, and in a way it was, even though it was only 3 months ago.  It feels so far away, and I can't believe how time just keeps going forward, and we just keep taking one day at a time. 

I hope you have some peace when you reach the milestone.   

bayberry, you took every single word right out of my mouth it seems like!! Our loss was only 2 weeks ago...yet seems like a lifetime. It's crazy! And although it seems as though time has stopped...everything and everyone around us is still moving forward.

ally2011

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Nathaniel.  I fully understand the up and down emotions of being PGAL.  There is a chapter in Empty Cradle Broken Heart on subsequent pregnancies and it talked about that....that helped me as it made me feel more normal.  

We will always remember, miss and deeply love the babies we lost.  And it is ok to love their siblings just as much too.  It does not mean we love those that are not physically with us any less.

Hugs to you today, I found 9 months out really hard though I am not sure why that one specifically was harder than 8 or 10.  I think it might be because 9 months is supposed to = baby.

We are all here for you and you can talk about your Nathaniel as much as you want.

Jenn