Love my family but considering move and am super on the fence about it... (kind of long)

SaphrineDragon

Okay so here's a little back story: When I found out I was pregnant, my mother insisted that I come home to California for support since I was considered high-risk at the time. I made the move from Washington to California and have been going through this pregnancy and will have to raise my daughter "alone". Her daddy doesn't want anything to do with her or myself but that's a completely different story.

Well now that I'm almost in my third trimester and have been exposed to my family after nearly 5 years of being away... I am realizing that as much as I love them we no longer share the same beliefs or values and I'm very much against raising my daughter around those values and beliefs. They are not wrong.. they are just not what I believe or value. 

Another thing that I have come across is that in California I will constantly be struggling when baby gets here. I currently have a job that I was very lucky to get but it may not be there for me after baby is born. I can't afford to live on my own currently and it will be even more difficult to live on my own after baby gets here. In California all of the state-assisted programs have either a long waiting list or are closed for new applicants for like the next three years and struggling to survive is not my idea of a good way to raise a child. 

All of this brings me to this: I was offered housing and childcare back in Washington that I can afford and I found out that my old job has not been able to find a suitable replacement for me and has also lost a few other key members of their staff and is struggling to find anyone and may take me back if I were to move back. It pays well considering and the hours are great and I actually like the job. 

My biggest dilemma is the guilt over taking my daughter away from her grandparents and aunts and uncles.

It seems like a no-brainer in that I go to Washington because I will do much better there and be able to give my daughter a better life there... but how do I break it to family?? I feel like a horrible person!

FyreFlyeRush

Stay where you're at. You'll welcome the help when the baby comes. There are days that the only reason I get to eat is because my parents are holding him. You can make the decision to move later, once you're both stabilized and honestly, I wouldn't make that kind of decision while I'm hormonally unbalanced. A lot of my choices while I was pregnant were really lacking rationality. 

SaphrineDragon

At : "tifanico"

What were your reasons for moving back home?

I moved back home because initially I was considered High-Risk and my mother didn't want me to be far from her just in case. Plus as a FTM I have no idea what I am going through or what to expect and I want my mom present for labor so I moved home.

I would also like to know some examples of different family values that you are speaking about. My parents have a different way to look at parenting, it doesn't mean that I have to do as they say.  Now if you say that they, drink, do drugs, are reckless then yes by all means, move as soon as you can.

Religiously we have different beliefs and as much as I respect my parents beliefs I have my own religious preferences and I don't want my parents to overload my daughter with their beliefs since they tend to be zealots and that just doesn't fly with me. Its something I can handle for a spell but not for long term. We do have similiar outlooks on parenting so that isn't much of an issue but rather my family is very set in what they find to be correct and right when it comes to life choices and I am more open minded. For example: My family is 100% anti-gay. They tolerate it but if they had their way they would try and put every gay they know through an exorcism because its unnatural and wrong. I am more open-minded and though I am not gay I have many friends and even extended family members who are and I love and support them as a person and their sexuality has nothing to do with my opinion of them. I want my daughter to be open-minded as well and being around close-minded people will make it difficult to allow her to be open-minded. That's not the only area I have issues with but its one that came up more recently.

I would do a spreadsheet of my budgeted expenses for when the baby is born and then run your numbers. If the difference is not that great, I would stay put where you are because as you will find out in the future, having a support system is everything for a single parent.  

I have crunched the numbers many times already and to stay in California I would be broke and unable to survive. Yes I would be surrounded by family but I would not be able to support myself or my daughter and be completely dependent on my family which would give way to bad blood down the road. 

Now if I go back to Washington I have some family that I can turn to for support but I also have a huge network of friends who are willing to offer support as well. I also would be able to financially survive. It would be tough at first... paycheck-to-paycheck... but I can survive there and in time thrive. 

 

My biggest guilt on this decision if I move after she is born is that I will only be giving her grandparents and aunts/uncles a short amount of time with her. Taking her to Washington does put her closer to her Great-Grandparents, one of who's health is failing and young blood may help keep him around longer. 

I don't like being dependent upon my family... its not who I am. I just wish there was a way for me to survive in California with out needing to relay on family or the government (of which they aren't able to help much anyways due to an overload of applications). 

SemperFiPurpleHeart

I would move back. Seems like you would be better off and not having to rely on your parents.

It would be hard to break it to them, but you are a grown-up and have to raise your daughter...the way you want to!

I'm sure they would try to come up to help out after DD is born, right? If I could afford to move out and be on my own and raise my DD back then, I would have. I hated living with my parents after the divorce due to similar things like you, but I could not afford it at all. If it feels right, do it! Your parents will love you no matter what you choose!!!

GL!!

WWMS

You need to move back to Washington sooner rather later.

Good Luck!