Baby Showers
Options
who is the official decider of tacky?
just wondering because what is tacky for one is not tacky for another, so if I go by what one bumper says, how do I know its not just cranky opinion? is there a book written by God on the shelf somewhere that outlines what tacky in a baby shower is? hanging on the edge of my seat.......
This discussion has been closed.
Re: who is the official decider of tacky?
Being polite tends to be universal.
I think those are two good examples.
This.People prefer other people with manners. Does this mean the same thing for everyone? No. But respect is about treating others the way they want to be treated not the way you want to be treated, because you and I can have totally different views (like the issue of what is/isn't tacky).
And by the by, just because a book and/or "expert" says to do something doesn't mean YOU as an individual HAVE to partake in what they deem appropriate/inappropriate. To each his and her own.
good answer thank you
No, tacky is tacky.
I think if you look at both Emily Post and Miss Manners, you will see common themes. They don't always agree 100%, but it's pretty darn close. And where they disagree is on minor details, not proper etiquette.
I feel sorry for today's generations that have never been taught proper etiquette. Being polite, respectful and having good manners are universal and will only serve one well in life. Why anyone would want otherwise is a mystery to me.
Even if you haven't brushed up on your Emily Post lately though, a general rule is that if you have to ask if it is tacky then it probably is. Something in your subconscious knows what you are asking might questionably be in poor taste.
Second general rule - if what you are asking is generally self-serving, then yes it is probably tacky.
Tacky is not always the right word though. You can do many things that while they don't feel "tacky" in the traditional sense of the word, are generally impolite or in poor taste.
What she said.
What she said.
While the books are great reference tools, I don't think you have to follow everything to the letter. Yes, it's great to follow proper etiquette but sometimes those lines can be broken and no feelings are hurt. Do what works for you and in your social circle.
I'm not sure if you would be qualified.
This. Etiquette is basically determined by "norms" and what is and is not "socially acceptable". Obviously people can do whatever they want...we try to minimize the fall-out with our advice so they aren't talked about behind their backs (this happens a lot).
Seriously, We don't just sit here waiting to crush someone's bubble. People come here for advice and we give it to them. Straight up.
I would much rather a group of Internet strangers tell me if I am doing something that might be questionable than have friends or family think poorly of me. Keep in mind, my actions are not just a reflection on me, they are also a reflection on my family and how I was raised. Sometimes you still need to ask if you mother would be embarrassed to know about your current behavior.
Melle, can you just be the little etiquette angel on my shoulder? Seriously, I have so much respect for your opinions, partially because you articulate them so well.
I would say common sense is the decider of tacky.
Examples:
Books instead of cards--you would never call someone up and say "hey thanks for the awesome present you're getting me...I know it will be great. But instead of a thoughtful card with your gift, could you substitute a $5 Starbucks gift card? I mean, your thoughtful card doesn't really matter to me and the Starbucks card would get MUCH more use."
Throwing your own shower--you would never call someone up and say "Hey friend, would you please come over to my house for some cake and finger foods and bring me a present when you come? Here is a list of what I want."
Showers for subsequent children--you would never call someone and say "hey, I got myself KO'ed again. This time the baby has different genitalia, so I'm going to need all new stuff. I know you already came to my first shower, but now I need MORE!!! Please buy me things so that I don't have to foot the bill for this new kid. I know I should've planned better, but did I mention this one has a penis????"
Diaper Raffles--you would never call someone and say "hey, I heard you're going to come to my party and buy me a gift...that's awesome! The thing is, I'm going to require more stuff. So I'm going to need you to bring an extra gift, because I'm going to need diapers! In return, I'll enter you in a drawing to get some crappy prize. Oh and the participation is optional, but if you're the only one that doesn't do it, it will make you feel socially awkward, so it's best that you just go ahead and bring them."
Filling out the thank-you notes...you would never say to someone "Oh, thank you for the thoughtful gift and for coming out and wasting your entire day to watch me open presents! However, as much as I really do appreciate it, I can't be bothered to fill in your address. I mean, I'm pregnant and apparently my hands don't work anymore. And it's just such a hassle. Much greater than the hassle you had of taking time out of your day and money out of your bank account. So if you could just go ahead and fill your address in for me, it would make sending you a thank-you note much less of a burden to me."
So, there are a few examples broken down into what they REALLY say to guests. I know people will come back with "oh my friends and family don't look at it like that", "it's appropriate in my social circle", "it's about celebration, not presents" blah, blah, blah. But this is the situation. Now, common sense SHOULD tell you that it's rude to do the things I've mentioned above. Maybe you think the tackiness is hidden behind the cute baby on the way, but it's not. If you wouldn't feel comfortable calling a friend and saying what I said after each bolded scenario, then you shouldn't feel comfortable sending an invite to people saying the same damned thing. Just because you put a cute poem on the invite, or suggest to people what a great idea it is, that doesn't make it less rude. Oh, and for every person you talk to that thinks one of these is a "great idea", there's at least one side-eyeing you for your lack of decorum. Or maybe you're talking to other self-entitled, princess-syndrome sufferers who just don't know any better.
COMMON SENSE. MIss Manners and all the rest had it. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. It just takes people who aren't self-entitled and selfish.
While I 100% agree with all of these as being tacky, if the MTB is not throwing her own shower and her hosts decide to do one of these things, I think the MTB should just chill and accept it. The hosts should be the ones that are considered being tacky. My mom wanted to do the book instead of card thing and I told her I thought it was tacky and now she isn't going to do it. However, I have mentioned since then that she and my SIL just plan the shower, however they see fit. They may end up with all kinds of tacky ideas for all I know. All I can do is sit back and enjoy my shower and not be embarrassed. If they ask my guests to fill out their own thank you card addresses, so be it. I will likely toss them and do it myself, in my own writing but I can't stop my mom/SIL from requesting it.
Just and FYI, Miss Manners is appalled when someone calls another person tacky, even if they are not following the rules of etiquette.
"Those that take pride in knowing a lot of etiquette, get offended by those who do not. That is just silly. There has to be some sort of grace within those rules. Nobody should take offense at 'wrong etiquette', if you can justify that the offending party has kind intentions."
Also, the 3 most important rules of etiquette according to Miss Manners have nothing to do with etiquette rules as we think of them:
Etiquette Rules 101
To think for others before yourself
Make feel others at ease
To be kind
That being said, Miss Manners is a good guideline. There are things that are rude no matter what your circle does.
Somebody else, I think Melle, put it best. If you have to ask if it is tacky, it probably is.
And I completely agree that if the MTB isn't throwing the shower, which she shouldn't be anyway, that she can't be held accountable for these breaches in etiquette. However, when the mothers-to-be get on here talking about how cute the diaper raffle is or how they can't wait to start their baby's library with a book grab, etc, that's all we have to go on. 90% of the time, it's the MTB that is on here asking questions and then getting huffy when we don't stroke her hair and say "oh it's a terrific idea honey!!"
Just to note, Emily Post disagrees with Miss Manners on this point. My family has always had showers for each baby. (for well over 100 years) We don't invite non-family but it's still a shower.
Common sense tells me that a shower for a second or fifth child is fine in my family even if it bothers you. (not being family you wouldn't be there anyway) The showers are always thrown by people other than the pregnant woman and they are very well hosted.
EDIT I think if you have to come on a board like this and ask if something is ok then it's probably not something that is acceptable for your group. If it was, you would know it. And there will still be exception to this too.
You proved my point. Family only, not throwing it yourself = COMMON SENSE. :-)
To say that what is tacky for one is not tacky for others seems like a bit of a stretch based on the questions and responses on this board. Asking what others think about inviting children, coworkers, co-ed and such is generally met well as there aren't major etiquette rules about them and for this thngs can vary by social circle, but there are a few things that really are in poor taste.
Most of the things that people on this board get most upset about are the posts of people trying to justify soliciting specific gifts for themselves. Those are the posts where you often see "gift grabby" as the most common reply.
You shouldn't host your own gift giving event. A shower is a gift giving event, do not host your own. If no one hosts one for you, you aren't getting one. A shower is a gift, not a rite of passage.
You should not tell your guests what to bring. While it is acceptable to put registry information in a shower invite it is in poor taste to requests books in stead of cards, diapers for a raffle or any other such item. If the guest wants to bring you a book they will. If they want to know if you want books, diapers, or something else they can ask the host.
Show gratitude. Don't ask your guests to fill out the envelope for their thank you cards, they were kind enough to not only show up but to also bring a gift. Writing a card and envelope is the least you can do. Don't complain about not getting what you put on your registry. The registry is there to serve as a guide IF people want suggestions on what you need. Often times they will get what they want to give to the new baby, clothes being most common. The shower is not meant to get you all the baby stuff you need but rather to let people celebrate the mom-to-be and shower her with gifts of their choosing. Expect to buy what you need for the baby.
Along with showing gratitude, don't complain if your host doesn't do exactly what you want. They are giving you a gift, enjoy it. If there is something you are set on ask your host if you can do it. If everyone gives you clothes, enjoy all the cute outfits you get to dress your LO in.
These are the things I see people get flamed on the most on this board. If someone comes on and says they are throwing their own shower and worried that people won't buy them everything on their registry, or they plan on doing the cards/diapers/cash (50/50 raffle) they generally won't be well received. Sadly we get a few a week. It can be very frustrating. With the frequency if people were to simple read through a handful of posts they would see that it is in poor taste and will not be well received. But they do not and are responded to in kind.
Side note, one of my pet peeves, and something Miss Manners herself stresses is that is rude to point out other peoples' rudeness. If someone comes on talking about "how rude..." someone was, it also it generally poorly received. The only reason some of us reply is because there was a question asked and we answer. I personally try not to call people out on rudeness or tackiness, but when asked I will give an honest answer.
I think that OP was commenting more on the fact that different bumpies say different things. What is common sense for one is not going to be common sense for another.
I grew up and still live in an area where people get very upset if registry information isn't included with an invitation. I discovered, while having a conversation with a friend from college, that her circle would be horrified if registry information was included with an invite. Another example is with wedding gifts. I know that in some parts of the country a gift of cash if considered very tacky. In the metro NYC area, giving money is the standard. Like, it is unheard of to give an actual gift for a wedding. So what is common sense in what area, is not common sense in another area.
But, there are things that should be universal:
1) writing 'thank you's promptly
2) making sure that the MTB spends time talking to every guest that attends the shower
3) remembering that a shower is not a right and that you should always show your gratitiude for the gift of a shower
4) it is just a shower, it is not the end all, be all of the universe.
To the original question, why not ask who decided that picking your nose at the dinner table is considered inappropriate. I dont think anyone formed a committee or wrote a book but certain things are obvious to those with common sense.
There are some gray areas that could be debated but the vast majority of the offenses considered tacky re: baby showers are obvious to anyone who just gives it a little thought. Sadly some people are able to justify even the most obnoxious behavior if it suits them.
Nope. Because I think that, to an extent, selfish is becoming the new normal and just because they bend to what's "normal" doesn't make it any less selfish in my mind.
He's the single greatest thing I've done in my life and reminds me daily of how fun (and funny) life can be. He's turned out pretty swell for having such a heartless and evil mother.
Agreed. Also, the difference between MIL/mom hosting the shower now vs. 20 years ago is the state of independence of most moms. 1st off, the age of motherhood is much older, after careers are established and the parents are not providing for their grown child. Also, I still think registry info on the invite is bizarre. Unless you are asked for a Christmas list, you don't tell people what to get you for Christmas. Why would a baby shower be any different? Have the info ready, but don't pass it out without asking.
We don't generally "attack" except for maybe those that come on here "daring" people to tell them they are wrong. Then you have to wonder what their intent was in the first place.
And while there are some gray areas for certain family traditions, yes there are hard and fast rules.
1. Be polite, respectful and gracious.
2. Don't make demands of your guests - even family and close friends
3. Serve others, not yourself.
If you can do all three, then you probably avoid most of the situations that we call "tacky"
I think people should be able to agree with this no matter where they are from. This should be universal.
I think tossing them is tackier than just going ahead and using them. As a guest, I would wonder why they had me fill out my address for no reason.
Way I see it, you have to pick your tacky battles. My wedding, for example, wasn't 100% tack-free, but I knew the tackiness I embraced, and I held my head high about it.
Some areas and cultures are more forgiving in certain regards.
What bugs me is when people go the extra mile then expect that you do the same, making new, ridiculous etiquette rules. Example, my SIL sends thank you notes even when you were there when she opened the gift! Etiquette teaches us that a note is used to thank people because you weren't allowed to thank them to their faces, now I know we all do this t showers, but girl does this for EVERYTHiNG! She's a card Nazi! Okay, my rant is over.
Please tell me where you heard this piece of horrible advice. Thank you notes are ALWAYS appropriate. '
Yeah, your SIL is a real "nazi." Being polite and thoughtful and sh!t. Gah, some people!
Please tell me you're joking.
He's the single greatest thing I've done in my life and reminds me daily of how fun (and funny) life can be. He's turned out pretty swell for having such a heartless and evil mother.
First, no you dont pick your tacky battles, if you know something is tacky, don't do it.
Second, stop using the word nazi, it's offensive.
I totally agree with this statement...
Book in lieu of a card
A. You are thinking of yourself before your guests. You want a book instead of a card. You asking others to spend more money on you/ telling someone else how to spend their money on you it is just selfish
B. You are making someone feel awkward if they choose not to give a book instead of a heartfelt card
C. It's not nice to tell people how to spend their money
Diaper raffle
A. You dont want to spend money on diapers for your kid; so you are begging your friends and family to buy them for you. You are putting yourself above your guests
B. Again you are making your guests feel awkward if they choose not to partake in the raffle
c. not nice to tell people how to spend their money