Just found out some sad news.. — The Bump
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Just found out some sad news..

So, DH and I are online looking at cribs, changing tables, etc..So I call my sister and ask her what brand of crib she has, if she knows how much it was, etc.  I talked to her for at least 15 minutes or so about baby stuff and then she says "so, there's something I have to tell you."  Turns out she just found out she miscarried at around 4 am.  I am devastated for her.  Despite all my fertility problems, though I never miscarried since I've never been pregnant, she has had no problem getting pregnant and she has the most beautiful 1 year old.  I know this is very common, but we just never expected it.  She was just a couple days away from hitting the 12 week mark.

I may go over to the loss boards, but if any of you have any advice on how I can be there for my sister, please feel free to share. 

Married Since 09/2006, TTC Since 09/2010 
DX: Unexplained infertility, DH normal 
3 Femara cycles - Oct, Nov, Dec 2011, all BFNs 
IVF #1, ER 2/15 (5R, 4M, 4F), ET 2/18, Beta 2/29 = BFN :( 
Follistim + IUI on 6/25 = BFN 
Home Study Finalized 8/14/12! Profile Active - 8/17/12! 
Officially Matched 8/29/12, Our perfect angel born 9/25/12! 
Biggest surprise ever, unexpected BFP on 4/12/13! 

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Re: Just found out some sad news..

  • IRRIRR
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    Sorry for your sister's loss.  Been through it a few times.  I never really shared the news with anyone but family and close friends once it happened since I was always before 12 weeks.  Each person is different.  I took the attitude that something must have been wrong with the baby which is why it didn't stick and I just moved forward.  Still really sad and if it just happened she may be in some pain.  Just ask her if she needs you to do anything for her, like food shopping, taking care of your niece/nephew or any other errands.  She may need a D&C.  She may just want to be left alone, so just ask her how you can be of assistance.
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    Failed Matches - December 2012, May 2013, December 2013
    Moved on to  gestational surrogacy with a family friend who is our angel and due 7/23/15


  • If you're nearby, I would just offer yourself up to help with anything she needs at all- from running errands, bringing a meal, taking the 1 year old out so she can have some quiet time. Just let her know that you are there for her to talk anytime, even down the road. Sometimes the hurt doesn't come for a long time. 

    Also, with each of my m/c's, I have one friend who sent me flowers when my due date came around. That is a sad day for the mom and dad, but by then a lot of people assume that they are "over it" or have moved on. It was just nice to know that someone else remembered. 

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    wife to joe 2.2.08. mama to noah 9.5.09.
    After multiple m/c's, a MTHFR diagnosis and the Lord calling both of our hearts in the same direction, we're adopting!
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  • image jwpbride:

    If you're nearby, I would just offer yourself up to help with anything she needs at all- from running errands, bringing a meal, taking the 1 year old out so she can have some quiet time. Just let her know that you are there for her to talk anytime, even down the road. Sometimes the hurt doesn't come for a long time. 

    Also, with each of my m/c's, I have one friend who sent me flowers when my due date came around. That is a sad day for the mom and dad, but by then a lot of people assume that they are "over it" or have moved on. It was just nice to know that someone else remembered. 

     

    This.  

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  • I'm so sorry. I had 3, all around the 5-6 week mark. Like the pp said, everyone is different. Just offer to be there for her, and help out when/how you can.
  • Ditto PPs. Just be there for her. Let her sob on your shoulder if she needs. Bring over some chick flicks and wine if she wants company.

    Oh, and whatever you do - don't stop acknowledging the baby or her loss just bc it is uncomfortable for you. Acknowledge milestones like her EDD (even if it's just a simple text that you're thinking of her), etc.

    Six years of infertility and loss, four IUIs, one IVF and one very awesome little boy born via med-free birth 10.24.13.
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  • Thanks for all the advice!  Unfortunately I'm 12 hours away but luckily she passed everything herself so no D&C necessary.  I'll just check in on her and when she's ready to grieve, I'll be there as much as I can.  I like the idea of flowers on her due date.  I know many people will probably kinda forget, but I know it'll be in my mind when February rolls around. *sigh*
    Married Since 09/2006, TTC Since 09/2010 
    DX: Unexplained infertility, DH normal 
    3 Femara cycles - Oct, Nov, Dec 2011, all BFNs 
    IVF #1, ER 2/15 (5R, 4M, 4F), ET 2/18, Beta 2/29 = BFN :( 
    Follistim + IUI on 6/25 = BFN 
    Home Study Finalized 8/14/12! Profile Active - 8/17/12! 
    Officially Matched 8/29/12, Our perfect angel born 9/25/12! 
    Biggest surprise ever, unexpected BFP on 4/12/13! 

     Our Angel through Adoption
     Lilypie Third Birthday tickers


    Our Little Miracle
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
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  • I'm sorry for your sister :( M/c are rough on eveyone.  You got some great advice above and I will just add (and Im pretty sure you will not because ppl say this about adoption too.lol) just dont say "everything happens for a reason".  I hated when people said it even though it may be true, I still hated it! lol
    DS- 4 years old, Natural m/c @ 7 weeks-12/1/09. Infertility issues- low ovarian reserve- low AMH and high FSH. Looking into adoption. Trying to figure out where to go with your little one? My favorite website is: Trekaroo AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers
  • I am so sorry for your sister.

     

    I wouldn't post on the loss board, they HATE that kind of stuff.

    Married on 3.20.2004. It took 30 month, 2 failed adoptions and IVF for our first miracle. We have had 9 foster kids since he was born and started the domestic adoption process when he was 10 month old, we had 4 failed matches in that time. After our daughter was born we brought her home and spent 2 weeks fearing we might lose her because of complications that came up. But Praise God all went through and she is ours forever! Expecting again after IVF Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • I am so sorry! My sister lost her little girl at 26 weeks last year, and it was so awful. I think sending a card and/or flowers around her due date is a great idea. And don't forget to take time to mourn the loss yourself. I was surprised how hard it was for me, even months later, to think about my little niece... And what could have been. Since my sister was so far along and had just announced their daughter's name the week before, we got her and her husband engraved necklaces with her name. That is probably more than you need to do since this was still pretty early, but it has been almost a year, and I have never seen either of them without their necklaces. Maybe you could pick up a little necklace or bracelet with a charm on it or something that your sister could wear as a remembrance.

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  • image MayDayGirl:

    I wouldn't post on the loss board, they HATE that kind of stuff.

    I agree. 

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    wife to joe 2.2.08. mama to noah 9.5.09.
    After multiple m/c's, a MTHFR diagnosis and the Lord calling both of our hearts in the same direction, we're adopting!
    theluckiest
    Lilypie Waiting to Adopt tickers
  • I've had two losses--one in August of 2011 and one this June.  I have one friend who, while she struggled with IF, never had a loss. Still, she remembers my EDD from the first loss, and, whenever there is a hard day (my birthday, my friends having their own babies), she sends me a text or an email.  With losses, people expect you to be "over it" relatively soon (I have no idea why), and you just aren't.  What helps me the most is that this friend is one of the very, very few who knows that it keeps hurting, every day, though it's been a year since my first loss.  She is also very forgiving and doesn't judge me when I am feeling envious, bitter, or just down.  She doesn't say things like "your time will come" or other trite crap.  She just listens.  She has been an amazing, amazing blessing in my life.  So, my advice would be: don't rush the grieving process and remember those milestone dates.  Also, don't say things to "fix" the situation.  Just sit with the grief.  That is the best gift you can give her. 
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  • I agree with all of the previous posters' comments.  For me the most important one is to keep following up.  Unless of course she makes it clear that she does not want to talk about it, follow up to let her know you're thinking of her, acknowledge her loss, and just be there for her as time goes on.  All of my losses were early, so I can't imagine what she is going through at 12 weeks.  It's really hurtful when people seem to just forget about what happened, so look out for potentially difficult times, like as a PP mentioned, estimated due date.  I'm sorry that your sister is going through this, (( Hugs )) for both of you.


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