Family visits after birth of first baby — The Bump
Military Families

Family visits after birth of first baby

My husband and I live across the country from our families, and we are having our first baby next month.
I know all families are different, but in general, who would you have visit you to see the baby and when?
For my husband's side, his parents are planning to visit for a weekend a few weeks after the baby should be born. They will pay their own way, will probably take a cab/shuttle to our house, and they would stay in our guest room. I think this is reasonable.

For my side, I know my mom would like to be here for the birth and stay a while. But, we have no way of knowing when exactly the baby will come of course, so she would have to stay for quite a while. Plus she cannot afford a ticket, so we would have to spend about $500 and make the trip to pick her up and drop her off at the airport (1 1/2 hours away). Plus, I'm just not sure if I want her to be staying at our house for such a long time?? Is that unreasonable?

I should add - My husband will be deployed early next year, and he has a lot of training to do until then, so I really feel like spending as much time as a family as possible. Also, although we spend our money wisely and make the best of what we have, we would be stretched to cover her ticket... (even though my family likes to glamorize our lifestyle, the military does not pay much and there are other things that we could use that money for - like bills or baby gear).

Also, my sister announced that she will come visit "just for the weekend" -- but it will still be inconvienent to have to make the drive to and from the airport with a new baby twice in one weekend. She has not always been the most pleasant house guest (catty remarks and impossible to satisfy to say the least...) so my husband is not looking forward to it, but I feel guilty I guess. It's a once in a lifetime experience, and I want my family to meet our baby, I just don't want them staying at our house for so long...
Ugh, any suggestions?

*** I'm also very curious how other military families have handled having a baby while far away from home? What worked / didn't work for you?

Re: Family visits after birth of first baby

  • My parents came for the birth. They planned to arrive on my due date, and I happened to go into labor on my due date.  In some respects it was great, but I think it would have been better for DH and I if they hadn't come. That wouldn't have been a big deal for us, though, because I went home while DH deployed, so my parents got to see DS every day for 7 months or so. I also visited DH's family and they came to visit me while I was back home.

    My advice is not to do anything out of guilt or a sense of obligation. You know what kind of houseguests they all are, you know your financial situation, and you know your lifestyle. Stick to what is best for your family. If your mom is a great houseguest and you know she will be a big help, then it might be worth it to pay for her to come out.

    Could your mom come visit after DH deploys? I was so glad that I went home because my mom was more than happy to help when I needed a little sleep.

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    What's reasonable for one family may not be reasonable for yours.  I have a great relationship with my parents (they even lived with us for a few  months when my second was born since H was deployed and it was a complicated pregnancy/birth) so a long visit from them wouldn't be out of line.  It sounds like you don't really want your mom around for an extended period, though, which is also reasonable.  

    FWIW, when my first was born my parents bought their tickets for three weeks after my EDD, which wound up being a week after he was actually born.  They stayed a week that visit, if memory serves. 

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  • I had my babu back home and he saved his leave so we can spend some time there. His family doesn't have the money to all come out. It was nice to see everyone and have my college girlfriends come visit me.
  • I'm still trying to work out the kinks for our visits. My mom wanted to come first, but she wants to wait until the baby is born so she can help out.  I am due the 10th of Nov and figured if we got her a ticket for the 15th, that would be okay.  I just found out that 4 of my H's family would like to come the 16th...now i have to make the call to my mom and ask if she wants to come after the 21st or risk it and come earlier.  I orginally wanted H's family to come first since he will have some leave and I think he should get a chance to spend time with his family.
  • I was stationed in Alaska when I was pregnant with my DD.  I didn't know I was pregnant and my ex-fiance and I had broken off our engagement so I was doing the pregnancy alone.  Due to the fact that you never know when you will actually go into labor I decided that it would be best if I just flew home after the birth of my DD for all of my family to visit at once during my maternity leave.  I planned for 2 weeks after my EDD (which in hindsight wasn't that smart) but thankfully my DD came on time.  It was difficult in trying to figure out the plane tickets because I only got 6 weeks of maternity leave so I flew out and planned on staying for 3 weeks.  It worked wonderful for me since all of my family was in one area and much cheaper for one person to fly than for a lot of people to fly. 

    You do what you and your DH are most comfortable with.  Babies cost a lot and if you can't afford to help your mother fly in then save up for the cost and fly out to her when DH is deployed or vice versa.  You will not want to be driving to and from the airport with a newborn that close after the birth.  There is nothing wrong with saying that they will get to see the baby at a later date in time when you are most comfortable with having people over.  Do not feel obligated to do anything you don't want to.  Especially with a deployment in the future.

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  • Why are you even considering paying for her ticket? She's known for MONTHS that you we pregnant. She should have been saving. If she can't come, tough.

     My mom comes once a year for a visit. She pays her own way. I pick her up from the airport, and she stays at my house. I would never even consider paying her way. She doesn't pay for me to visit, so why would I pay for her?

    I think your mom sounds incredibly selfish. What kind of mother would ask for you to do this when you are adding a baby to the mix. Your expenses are about to go way up. It's just selfish and incredibly unreasonable, IMO. 

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  • Here is what we did. My dad came 2 weeks before my due date, we did drive 1.5 hours to pick him up from the airport it wasn't a bad drive at all for me, just depends I guess. 

    My dad did stay with us for 6 months after baby though. It worked best for us with H's and training and what not. He was a HUGE help!

    Everyone else waited until I drove home for a visit when DD was about 8 months old. 

     

    I'd say just go with the flow and don't book people to come at so and so time see how everything goes after you have LO. Good Luck! 


    Teagan-11/22/10
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  • First, you and your Dh need to talk about what you two want.  So how long visitors can stay, when they can come out to visit, where they will stay, if  you are picking them up, and if you will be paying for them to come out.  Second, after that converstation with your Dh, talk to your mom about your expectations, and if you will be paying for her to come out.

    I also agree with Lissa on your mom.

    We told our families that we don't want visitors to come out until 2 weeks after the baby is here.  The baby is due 1 week before Thanksgiving.  We also my told parents (they are retired, and have extra time) that they can either come out for 7-10 days at the 2 week mark, or they can come out for 7-10 days at Christmas and be here for the 1st Christmas.  We are not doing long extended stays.  We want to adjust as a family.  Dh's family have discussed coming out for a few days, they still work and already have plans for Christmas.  So they will probably come out for a long weekend shortly after the baby is born.

    All guests will be staying in our guest room and I don't mind picking them up, the airport isn't that far from our house.

    But if my Dh was getting ready for a deployment, I would tell family that they could come out for short visits (no more than 7 days).

  • I'd say have your family maybe wait till after the baby has been born. That is a very special time you may want to your little family to enjoy on your own. Possibly soon after...babies can be extremely exhausting and even an extra pair of arms to hold him or her can be greatly appreciated so you can shower or go to the bathroom for a minute. If your family is the helpful type, where they'll want to help with cooking and other things....the less YOU do the faster you recover. Otherwise it's a very long and uncomfortable many weeks. I would make your decisions based off of your family, because you and your husband know them best. Maybe tell your sister you can all get together for a holiday (if this is something you all do) that way she gets to be a part of the baby's first christmas, thanksgiving, or whatever other holiday you spend together. Possibly have all the family wait until your husband leaves, and come in turns after that. That way you have some help (I've been a single mom with a young baby and even figuring out showers or going to the bathroom can be an absolute nightmare. I ended up putting the baby tub in the shower with me and giving my son a bath while I showered, so I knew he wouldn't start crying when I couldn't hear).
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  • Its hard but something all families have to understand.

    We are asking people to stay in hotels and provide their own everything. We told our families that any one who wants can come visit and meet, but we will be having visiting hours and no one will stay with us, and we are not a taxi, they all need to com prepared, and being that we are having a baby, we are not paying for any one. Our whole family has know about this baby for 9 months, so saving up for a ticket should have been no issue.

    We do have a few people still trying to get us to pay for them to come visit, because we SPRANG the birth on them, but we are holding strong, and know that everyone knew months ago about the baby coming in August.

    Just make sure you and hubby are on the same page, and then stand firm, and stay strong!


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    All finished with babies, started to make diet changes, Keto, to be MORE for my kids, lost 30 pounds, still going, and 3 months in, I had a natural cycle, and then ovulated... Hubs and I are going to see what happens now... Maybe a natural pregnancy? After everything we have been through? Or just a return to normal hormones? We shall see what the future holds!

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  • We're in Virginia, my family is in California and his is in Texas. I'm due in 2 weeks. My mom is coming out on the 8th and staying for about two weeks. His mom and dad are coming in the middle of September for about 5 days. 

    I have a feeling my mom being here for 2 weeks is going to be a bit trying. I'm very grateful she's coming out to help, but we all know what 2 weeks with our parents is like.  

    Congratulations on the new addition by the way! 

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  • We are in the same boat! DH'S parents will come in a few weeks after the birth and will stay in a hotel, same with my dad and his wife. My mother on the other hand is a different story. I did tell everyone that they can visit so long as they got here themselves. They were all very understanding that dh and I want to be a family. But then there is my mother again. I think we'll figure it out after baby is born.

    Good luck,

     

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