Question for those of you with "tweens"

cmiller0623

Sorry i have no other term for the 12/13 year olds lol

DF's little sister (we'll call her H) just turned 13 and i swear she is 13 going on 30 (as most 13 year olds are i imagine).  Since weve been together for 5 years she looks up to me as sort of a big sister, and I'm the baby in my family so i have no idea how to kindly direct her/give advice when she asks for it so i'm looking for some help.

She is going through the rebel phase right now (dyed her hair bright red, tries to wear makeup, wears low cut shirts, tight jeans yada yada yada) and I just want to help her look better.  What i mean by that is, show her how to wear makeup so it looks good on her not like she smothered a sharpie across her eyes, convince her you dont need to show your chest to look cute in your shirts and the biggest thing i think would help her is to get jeans that actually fit her.  The ones she wears now are the skinny jeans but a size too small.

She has asked if i would take her school clothes shopping when the time comes (she lives with her dad and SM, they both cant get out to do a lot of shopping, ive taken her before with their permission) and my question is what is a good way to convince her to buy clothes that fit her body while still maintaining the "image" she wants to portray? She isnt that big, she is an average, healthy 13 year old yet constantly says shes so fat (so not true at all) I dont want to dress her in clothes she'll hate, but i dont want her underwear hanging out of her pants, and i want her shirts to at least cover her chest the way it should but i dont want to offend her.  Any advice for when we go clothes shopping?

cmiller0623

thanks i'll do my best i think she likes shopping with me becuase i dont tell her the clothes she wants are ugly i just make sure she got sizes that fit. shes really into the hot topic type thing, and i did the exact same thing when i was her age, gladly grew out of it so hopefully she will to.

we'll see how our shopping expedition goes and hopefully she'll listen and not get upset when she has to get a certain number. i just dont want her going to school/out with her friends and getting made fun of cause i know thats no fun.

RebeccaMay

I don't have a tween, but as the oldest of 4 girls, school clothes shopping is a great oppertunity to bond with and discuss what type of clothes she should be wearing!

 Let her pick out some things, and you pick out some things.  Let her try it all on and discuss the differences.  Maybe she's never worn a good fitting pair of skinny jeans and doesn't realize what the difference is looks wise.  You can also help her be trendy but still modest.  My sisters joke that my claim to fame is introducing them to the lace cami.  That way, they can still wear all the cute low cut shirts without their boobs being out for the whole world to see.  Though, sometimes, I still have to tell my middle sister to, "Put your boobs away!"  But she's an adult now, so her boobs are her business. lol.

On a serious note, you might also look for an oppertunity to discuss with how different ways of dress are preceived.  She's going into high school and is sure to be SUPER aware of every little minute aspect of herself.  Help her to understand that she will feel even more confident if her thong is tucked away into her pants where it belongs.  One less thing to worry about. 

 Ditto what the pp said about sizing differences.  Help her feel more confident by debunking the juniors vanity sizes.  I remember hearing a story about a girl who was lamenting about how fat she was because she had the same size waist as her father.  Turns out she was measuring her hips, not her waist.  One small thing she didn't quite grasp and it made her feel like crap about herself. 

Emphasize that she is healthy and strong and should appreciate that, even if it means being a couple of sizes bigger.  Help her to learn how to compare herself to herself, not some phony ideal Hollywood woman, or some preppy cheerleader at school who seems super skinny and cute.  BTW, we all know that those women hate the way they look too!  So sad!

 Good luck!  And have fun! 

cmiller0623

Thanks again! Ive tried convincing her she is not fat because by no means is she.  She has a teeny tiny pooch on her tummy (most girls do) so shes convinced shes ginormous.  Hopefully we can find some well fitting clothes and she'll feel better. She really is a good looking kid and with the right clothes i hope she'll feel better about herself.  I'll update y'all after our trip in a couple weeks.  I appreciate the advice

XCrissCrossX

I'm a lurker butting in--

For the make-up, you could go to a department store and set up an appointment for one of the women working one of the make-up counters to do her make-up on shopping day. (You'll probably have to buy something from the counter so pick a make-up you like!) 

Then you can get her excited about having her make-up professionally done- while at the appointment have the make-up artist show her what colors suit her and how to make it look flattering. And you can make a big deal about how great she looks. When you make the appointment, you can emphasize that that is the goal to whoever will be doing the make-up. 

RebeccaMay

Good idea about the make up!  You could also ask the make up artist to help you find quick, easy looks that emphasis your natural beauty.  Because, you will be a mom soon with very little time, and she will be in high school soon and will be spending all of her free time studying (LOL!). 

FutureMrsWittig

If she's obsessing about her tummy, maybe you can find a subtle way to say, you know it wouldn't poke out over your pants if your pants were the right size.  Or "I saw some excersizes in a magazine that were supposed to help with that spot."

I think it's good to discuss the difference between having fat in some places you'd rather not, and being at an unhealthy weight.  Tell her if she's concerned that her weight is unhealthy that her mom should take her to her doctor and they can discuss it.  Sometimes it takes someone who's not related to you, and not just telling you what you want to hear, throwing out some cold, hard facts...

Kaeldrasmommy

XcrisscrossX:

I'm a lurker butting in--

For the make-up, you could go to a department store and set up an appointment for one of the women working one of the make-up counters to do her make-up on shopping day. (You'll probably have to buy something from the counter so pick a make-up you like!) 

Then you can get her excited about having her make-up professionally done- while at the appointment have the make-up artist show her what colors suit her and how to make it look flattering. And you can make a big deal about how great she looks. When you make the appointment, you can emphasize that that is the goal to whoever will be doing the make-up. 

I second this. I actually intend to take my D for her 13th birthday in a month. They can teach her how to apply make-up, and what better to convince her than a pro.

For clothes, if your in-laws are okay with it, you might have the discussion about why it's inappropriate for young girls to try to be sexy. Because anyone who thinks of them that way is ill. Teach her that confidence is beautiful and that confident women and girls don't feel like they have to show off. Look for interesting cuts prints to take away from need to show skin. Try accessorizing. And my all time favorite, closely follow the dress code for her school, if it doesn't follow it, don't buy it.

mschocokitty

Not to get too off topic, but it is always dismaying to me to hear of such young girls calling themselves "fat" or obsessing over a single body part. My SD is naturally very slim but still jiggles the "fat" on her leg. She tells me of girls at camp that hate to go swimming because they are embarrassed to be fat in their bathing suits. I feel like there is only so much counter-programming we can do to combat the messages these girls get from media, peers, and other female role models in their lives. Your sister-in-law to be is very lucky that she has someone who is trying to direct her in a positive way.

FriskyPanda

Growing up, the rule was I could wear whatever I wanted as long as my boobs and butt weren't hanging out.  I plan on using the same philosophy with DD.  Can you set ground rules before going? ie "I'd love to take you shopping, but you should know that I can't in good conscience let you get anything with your boobs or butt hanging out"

Annplus1

You are in a MUCH better place to help her with shopping than any of her parents or her friends.

My best friend has a 15 year old daughter she had the EXACT same issue with. Super dark/heavy eyeliner, clothes that too tight, too revealing, etc. She and here mom would battle. This all happened when she was 13. My friend asked me to see if shopping with me would help. So I asked her daughter if she would go to the mall with me and help me shop, becuase her mom hates shopping and I wanted to go. All true, and she thought it would be fun.

It was a total girls day out trip. First we shopped for me and in conversation talked about my body troubles (big boobs, big butt, smaller waist) and how low rider jeans make me look like am the queen of muffin-ville. But how midrise jeans make me look hot, etc. Same with shirts. Then we wandered over to her section. And in conversational ways, got her to see a bit what she was doing. She would take it from me because I was a friend vs. mom. She took everything mom said personally while we were just hanging out. We talked about WHY she was dressing like a hussy, and what was more her style- not the style she thought she was copying. It was a LONG day, but it was helpful- a lot. We have done it a couple times since, but each time is way easier. Now she has a sense of her own style- and thank god it's not hussy.

As for the make-up, we went to the MAC counter and got them to redo half her face, and half of mine. Then we compared which made us look better. The MAC ladies are super trendy, cool and fun. They are younger and are much more "real" to 13 year olds. I told one of them quietly what I was trying to accomplish and they came in force and showed her what colors worked, how less is more, etc. She giggled with all the attention, loved how she looked and that was the end of that horrible eye liner.

I NEVER told her that she was wrong, or critizied her choices of clothing. I just asked her what she liked about what she was picking, and then tried to find something that fit that. At first I didn't steer her toward what I thought she should wear. We just spent a lot of time trying on different clothes. She didn't have to get defensive with me like with mom, and she didn't have to try to impress me or fit in like with her friends. It really worked.