SD hates my pregnancy
bellre
member
From the beginning of this pregnancy, I have been concerned as to how my SDs (11 & 16) would react to a) me being pregnant, and b)having a new little brother or sister. DH and I felt that keeping them involved with things would be the best route, so they wouldn't feel left out. I talk about baby-related stuff with them, and try to spin most of the conversations in a way that turns it back to them (for example, my oldest SD plays basketball, so we tell her "just think, this season your little brother will be there cheering you on. We should make a shirt for him that says 'S____'s biggest fan!'..."). Well, it backfired.
Last night my SD16 told me and DH that she hates my pregnancy and is so sick and tired of it all. She said can't take any more talk about the baby and hates it when people bring it up. She feels like everything is about me or the baby and that if I want something (cravings, etc) I get it. She is upset that she can't go get whatever she wants all the time (to be fair, I do get things that I am craving sometimes, but I don't always get whatever I want whenever I want it otherwise I most definitely would be 50lbs heavier). She thinks that once the baby is born, he will get whatever he wants and they won't.
I didn't know what to say. I know that the baby gets talked about a lot, but at the same time, this is my first baby and I'm excited. I don't talk about it 24/7, but I can see how she might get annoyed with it (nobody cares about your baby/pregnancy as much as you do). I told her that while yes, there is a lot of focus on the baby right now, they are still given their own attention and I try to do things just for them as well...and they will always be important and receive attention. DH and I explained to her that no, the baby would not be getting everything he wants or we thought he should have...much like the girls don't get everything they want or think they should have.
I'm not really sure where to go from here. My biggest fear is that she will resent the baby (I think she is already beginning to resent me). Anyone have any advice to offer?
Remembering my angel baby, Ezekiel, 09/03/2011...you will forever be in my heart.
Re: SD hates my pregnancy
I would say leave her be. At that age, I don't think there is much you can do at this point because she will have her feelings on the matter as it's the only thing she can control. Just make sure she stays respectful.
I had a friend in high school who's mom got pregnant and had a baby when we were 15. My friend had been an only child until then and was spoiled.. (Her parents were still married so it wasn't a stepparent situation) She talked to all of us about how much she hated that her mom was pregnant and then that she hated the baby after the baby came. I would be on the phone with her and he would come into her room when he was about 2 and she would curse at her mom to get the f*cking baby out of her room. I never understood how her mom let her get away with talking about her or the baby that way. Eventually, that friend became the best big sister. To this day, she's 32 and her brother is 17 and she spoils him rotten. It just took her a few years to get over it and now we figured out why as adults. She doesn't like babies at all. She and her DH of 10 years are not having kids at all and are dog "parents".
My point is, just try not to worry about it and she will more than likely come around. Just keep expressing to her that she is still important and try to spend some time with her.
She sounds like she is just annoyed with all of the baby talk. People have a tendency to really go overboard talking about their pregnancy and upcoming baby I think without realizing how much they are doing it. I myself get really annoyed when someone I know is pregnant and they talk about it all the time, I think her feelings are normal. I would just try to make an effort to relax on pregnancy related comments or future baby stuff. Not completely stop talking about it but cut back maybe? After the baby is here and she sees in actions that the baby hasn't taken anything away from her she will probably be just fine. She's just annoyed right now, I'd and make an effort to talk to her regularly without any mention of the baby just purely focusing on her and her life.
I agree with Rhenna... cut back but don't cut it out completely. find 1 or 2 things that are somewhat interesting to her about the baby and focus on those every once in a while (ie let her help decorate the nursery if she is into decor, or give her money to get some pajamas for the baby if she is into fashion etc) but don't go crazy about it.
make sure she is still getting individiualized attention.. with 2 sd's does your dh take individiual time for each of them, or is it always the 2 of them together when they do "dad" time?
and also make sure she isn't disrespectful about it. she doesn't have to be happy, but she needs to be respectful.
I didn't say it wasn't talking about the baby...I know it's talking about the baby. Saying something like that was simply an attempt to try and tell her that yes there will be a new baby but we will still be there like we were before. If she took it the way that you took it, then I guess it was a misguided approach on my end. And I think asking her for advice on stuff I am buying for the baby will only remind her that it's something we are buying for someone, not her...something she already struggles with. The whole "cheering on" thing was a figure of speech, I don't think a newborn will be there holding up pom-poms or anything.
Remembering my angel baby, Ezekiel, 09/03/2011...you will forever be in my heart.
This.
I'm sure you had good intentions but she probably took that statement and started having feelings that even something like basketball isn't going to be "her" thing anymore, now even that is about the baby. She needs to know that even though a baby will be in the family there are some family things that will be purely about her and the family's attention being directed at her. That's what she wants as a teenager I'm sure and what she is feeling will be lost and is being lost in all the baby talk.
Once the baby gets there and she starts to bond with it I'm sure she will start feeling better about the situation.
Good point. Thank you.
Remembering my angel baby, Ezekiel, 09/03/2011...you will forever be in my heart.
All of this. You're 31 weeks, so it's safe to say she's been hearing about the baby for almost 20 weeks. She's tired of it. Plus she's a teen and is at that age where her life is more important than everyone else's. We all remember being that age: teens are selfish. She's probably worried that she's going to become the live-in babysitter, or that money will be extra tight with the baby and she won't be able to enjoy all the stuff she enjoys now, or that the baby is going to take away all the attention in the house. Cut back on the talk of the baby for a bit. Eventually she'll end up asking questions.
If it's any help, my daughter and K are 9 and 6 1/2 respectively. At first they asked me every single week to look at the pregnancy book and see where the baby's development was. Now at 19 weeks, they didn't ask this week. I'm sure they're tired of hearing about it already. I'm even more sure that in about 10 weeks they'll be really tired of it. Even as little girls, they're moving on to "bigger and better" things.
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Thabk you, you said it better than I did but that was my point.
This. Totally.
She is 16 with raging hormones herself, but at 16, you know how to act and how not to act. If she wants to voice how she feels, she should be welcomed to do so, but there's a way to do is respectfully. Saying she "hates" your pregnancy is not respectful, IMO.
I think PP gave you some great advice though, and good luck!
Ralking about nothing but your PG to the teenage child of your DH is not respectful either even of you think you are trying to help her.
I agree with backing off. Quit trying to push it on them and hoping they'll be excited. They won't be no matter how you package it up and dress it.
SD was 20 when we had DD. She is about as bitter and hateful about DD as you can imagine. She also said that DD will get everything that she never had. My SD is the extreme tho, but what I'm saying is it's normal.
You can't control how they think. Just continue to give them attention that is strictly THEIR attention. Don't bring your baby into it to share their moment or experience. Take your son to the game, but don't say, "Look! Baby Brother has your team number on his shirt!". Simply focus on her game, her performance, her achievements, etc. Period. Your child's presence is enough. Don't force her to be happy or acknowedge that he's there and sharing in it because it's putting pressure on her.
Don't force it and it will come.