Blended Families

Eh am I wrong in my thinking?

DS's BD & gf broke up a couple months ago. They were together about 2 years and have a 1 year old DD.

DS (4) sees BD EOWE, and BD has DD during that time, which I think is good so that DS will still have a relationship with his little sister.

Well, BD's ex-gf emailed me asking if her and her DD could call my DS because they haven't seen him in 2+ weeks and really miss him.

Seriously? My first thought is to just ignore the email, second thought is to maybe send her an email back.

I think DS and BD's DD will have a relationship through the time that they're at their BD's house. BD's DD cannot even talk yet, so a phone call wouldn't be from her, it would be from BD's ex-gf. I really don't see a need for DS to be talking with her. I understand that she was in his life for about 2 years, so she misses him, but she has no relation to DS. DS is young and has already adjusted to her not being around.

Am I wrong in my thinking? I don't want DS to be confused, and he is young and probably won't even remember having had a relationship with her.

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Re: Eh am I wrong in my thinking?

  • I'm a lurker and BM but yes I think you are wrong. 

    The ex gf is going to be in your son's life forever, she is the mother of his sister. When his sister graduates school they will both be there. When his sister gets married they will both be there. If it was just the ex gf and no kids involved then it would be different. 

    What is it really going to hurt to let him talk to them on the phone for 2 minutes.  

  • imageWWMS:

    I'm a lurker and BM but yes I think you are wrong. 

    The ex gf is going to be in your son's life forever, she is the mother of his sister. When his sister graduates school they will both be there. When his sister gets married they will both be there. If it was just the ex gf and no kids involved then it would be different. 

    What is it really going to hurt to let him talk to them on the phone for 2 minutes.  

    Because they will see each other at 2 events in her life I should let him have regular phone contact with her? This is for the ex-gf's benefit, not DS's. Should I also let DS talk to ex-gf's mom & dad since they will also be at BD's DD's wedding & graduation? It would be one thing if he was 12 and had seen her on a regular basis all his life, but the way things are now, he will likely never even remember having a relationship with her.

    I think DS & BD's DD having a relationship is important, but not DS & BD's ex-gf. 

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  • As long as you get along with her I can't imagine why you wouldn't want to encourage your DS's relationship with his sister.
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  • imageKaeldrasmommy:
    As long as you get along with her I can't imagine why you wouldn't want to encourage your DS's relationship with his sister.

    I completely encourage DS and his sister's relationship. I see no reason to encourage a relationship with BD's ex-gf though. 

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  • I see it this way:  I have been in SS's life for 3 years (so only 1 year longer than your Ex's gf).  Let's say DH leaves tomorrow.  Ten years down the road, SS may not remember me if I don't maintain a relationship.  But, I will be the mother of his sister AND I played a huge part in his life for the time I've been in it.  It would kill me to go from the relationship we have now to nothing.  It also wouldn't be best for him to just wonder where I went and feel abandoned.  I didn't die.  I just wasn't with his father.
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  • imagetwister22:
    imageWWMS:

    I'm a lurker and BM but yes I think you are wrong. 

    The ex gf is going to be in your son's life forever, she is the mother of his sister. When his sister graduates school they will both be there. When his sister gets married they will both be there. If it was just the ex gf and no kids involved then it would be different. 

    What is it really going to hurt to let him talk to them on the phone for 2 minutes.  

    Because they will see each other at 2 events in her life I should let him have regular phone contact with her? This is for the ex-gf's benefit, not DS's. Should I also let DS talk to ex-gf's mom & dad since they will also be at BD's DD's wedding & graduation? It would be one thing if he was 12 and had seen her on a regular basis all his life, but the way things are now, he will likely never even remember having a relationship with her.

    I think DS & BD's DD having a relationship is important, but not DS & BD's ex-gf. 

     Lord they were just two examples of bigger events in a person's life. 

    What if his sister plays a sport or does dance or plays an instrument and his father takes your son to those events? It could end up being frequently. 

     My nephew is 4, I broke up with my son's father over 2 years ago while I was pregnant but my nephew remembers him and things we did together.  

     Like I said 2 minutes won't kill you unless there are other issues that you have with the ex gf.  

  • imageWWMS:
    imagetwister22:
    imageWWMS:

    I'm a lurker and BM but yes I think you are wrong. 

    The ex gf is going to be in your son's life forever, she is the mother of his sister. When his sister graduates school they will both be there. When his sister gets married they will both be there. If it was just the ex gf and no kids involved then it would be different. 

    What is it really going to hurt to let him talk to them on the phone for 2 minutes.  

    Because they will see each other at 2 events in her life I should let him have regular phone contact with her? This is for the ex-gf's benefit, not DS's. Should I also let DS talk to ex-gf's mom & dad since they will also be at BD's DD's wedding & graduation? It would be one thing if he was 12 and had seen her on a regular basis all his life, but the way things are now, he will likely never even remember having a relationship with her.

    I think DS & BD's DD having a relationship is important, but not DS & BD's ex-gf. 

     Lord they were just two examples of bigger events in a person's life. 

    What if his sister plays a sport or does dance or plays an instrument and his father takes your son to those events? It could end up being frequently. 

     My nephew is 4, I broke up with my son's father over 2 years ago while I was pregnant but my nephew remembers him and things we did together.  

     Like I said 2 minutes won't kill you unless there are other issues that you have with the ex gf.  

    Honestly, I don't foresee BD taking DS to too many events unless they are major. BD and ex-gf live in different states and are almost 4 hours apart.

    I actually do have issues with the ex-gf, she was overbearing, manipulative, and controlling.

    I am trying to have the perspective of solely what's best for DS. What happens if BD does this again? Should DS have to have a relationship with ex-gf1, ex-gf2, and current gf?

    DS and ex-gf not having a relationship is hard for ex-gf, not hard for DS. Ex-gf understandably misses him, but he hasn't expressed missing her. I actually asked DS if he wanted to talk to her, and he said no.

    Does anyone have a reason that this is best for DS? If this happens again and again, then it would be confusing for DS if he has to have relationships with each woman that BD has a child with. I see why this would be something ex-gf would want, but not something that is in the best interest of DS.

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  • imagetwister22:
    imageWWMS:
    imagetwister22:
    imageWWMS:

    I'm a lurker and BM but yes I think you are wrong. 

    The ex gf is going to be in your son's life forever, she is the mother of his sister. When his sister graduates school they will both be there. When his sister gets married they will both be there. If it was just the ex gf and no kids involved then it would be different. 

    What is it really going to hurt to let him talk to them on the phone for 2 minutes.  

    Because they will see each other at 2 events in her life I should let him have regular phone contact with her? This is for the ex-gf's benefit, not DS's. Should I also let DS talk to ex-gf's mom & dad since they will also be at BD's DD's wedding & graduation? It would be one thing if he was 12 and had seen her on a regular basis all his life, but the way things are now, he will likely never even remember having a relationship with her.

    I think DS & BD's DD having a relationship is important, but not DS & BD's ex-gf. 

     Lord they were just two examples of bigger events in a person's life. 

    What if his sister plays a sport or does dance or plays an instrument and his father takes your son to those events? It could end up being frequently. 

     My nephew is 4, I broke up with my son's father over 2 years ago while I was pregnant but my nephew remembers him and things we did together.  

     Like I said 2 minutes won't kill you unless there are other issues that you have with the ex gf.  

    Honestly, I don't foresee BD taking DS to too many events unless they are major. BD and ex-gf live in different states and are almost 4 hours apart.

    I actually do have issues with the ex-gf, she was overbearing, manipulative, and controlling.

    I am trying to have the perspective of solely what's best for DS. What happens if BD does this again? Should DS have to have a relationship with ex-gf1, ex-gf2, and current gf?

    DS and ex-gf not having a relationship is hard for ex-gf, not hard for DS. Ex-gf understandably misses him, but he hasn't expressed missing her. I actually asked DS if he wanted to talk to her, and he said no.

    Does anyone have a reason that this is best for DS? If this happens again and again, then it would be confusing for DS if he has to have relationships with each woman that BD has a child with. I see why this would be something ex-gf would want, but not something that is in the best interest of DS.

    Right now, as you said, the phone call would be between DS and the ex GF but eventually, the phone calls would be between DS and his sister and that would be in his benefit.

    I see the problem with not allowing it now is when his sister CAN talk, the ex GF may not allow it if you don't allow it now. Petty yes but also very normal and human.

    I understand that there is a distance issue but that would make phone calls even more important. I would just try to focus on the fact that the ex GF wants to remain civil and that she, like you, supports the two kids in having a relationship.

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  • I actually don't know why it's your responsibility to help your DS remain connect to your ex's ex. So it's going to be your job forever with every ex that bonds with your DS? You state that your DS will see his sister EOW? If your DS asks in the week to talk to his sister, then call. But his sister is not asking to call now. The xGF is. 

    If your DS were asking, or his sister was old enough to actually request to talk to your DS, I would agree that you should do it. But it's not. 

  • imagetwister22:

    imageKaeldrasmommy:
    As long as you get along with her I can't imagine why you wouldn't want to encourage your DS's relationship with his sister.

    I completely encourage DS and his sister's relationship. I see no reason to encourage a relationship with BD's ex-gf though. 

    There really isn't one. But they are a bit of a package deal as his sister is only a baby. If she is rude, overbearing and manipulative as you say then no one would blame you for avoiding her and letting your ex handle their relationship to a degree. Although I would imagine you would want to know your child's sibling at least a bit.
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  • I'm not sure if people missed this part, but whenever BD has DS, he has his DD too. So, DS will always see his sister when he is at BD's.

    When DS is older, if he asks to talk to his sister, I will of course have him call her. Also, if his sister calls to talk to him, I will have no issue with that.

    BD has DS EOWE (Every Other WeekEnd), and BD has his DD EOW (Every Other Week). So, half of the time DD will be at BD's house, and I will have no issue with BD & DD calling to talk to DS. I just have issue with with ex-gf calling to talk to DS. Like I said, if their DD was older & could actually talk, I would be fine with DS talking to his sister during ex-gf time.

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  • It is the best interest of your DS that you keep a friendly relationship. Dh has 2 BM's that each have two children. They are half siblings. I think it is important to support the relationship with his sister as a good thing. You never know if she may move back. You never know if they will go to the same school. It is right to support DS and his sisters relationship. BM#1 and BM#2 hated each other when the kids were little and had the same feelings about the situation you do. They never imagined they would end up living within 5 miles of each other and all the kids going to the same school when they hit preteens. It has been hard because of the past when you see each other at school/sport activities which happens all the time. It would be much easier if the BMs got over themselves along time ago and the kids could just be siblings in front of there moms like they are any other time but they can't. It is weird because the BMs made it weird.

    Make the exgf aware of what you are willing to do. Maybe one call between the kids visits with BD. One day you might want to invite your DS sister to his birthday party because YOUR DS will want her there. If it isn't BD's time the things you do now will make it "normal" to invite them for your DS.

  • imagesocloudy99:

    It is the best interest of your DS that you keep a friendly relationship. Dh has 2 BM's that each have two children. They are half siblings. I think it is important to support the relationship with his sister as a good thing. You never know if she may move back. You never know if they will go to the same school. It is right to support DS and his sisters relationship. BM#1 and BM#2 hated each other when the kids were little and had the same feelings about the situation you do. They never imagined they would end up living within 5 miles of each other and all the kids going to the same school when they hit preteens. It has been hard because of the past when you see each other at school/sport activities which happens all the time. It would be much easier if the BMs got over themselves along time ago and the kids could just be siblings in front of there moms like they are any other time but they can't. It is weird because the BMs made it weird.

    Make the exgf aware of what you are willing to do. Maybe one call between the kids visits with BD. One day you might want to invite your DS sister to his birthday party because YOUR DS will want her there. If it isn't BD's time the things you do now will make it "normal" to invite them for your DS.

    She never lived in our state to begin with. They met living in different states, and when BD was employed, he would drive to see her every weekend. After the baby was born, he started to insist that they travel to his home some, and eventually it became where they spent maybe 75% of the time where she lived and 25% of the time where he lived. They are both unemployed and living with their parents. Ex-gf refused to live up by BD's family the entire relationship, so I doubt she would leave all her family and friends behind to move up by him now that they are split up.

    DS and his sister going to the same school is extremely unlikely. Currently, the BM is the residential parent so it's the plan for the DD to go to school in her state. Also, BD and I live in completely different school districts. Oh, and I plan to home school my kids, so I don't think she'll be there ;).

    I do see where you are coming from in terms of making the kids comfortable with being siblings even in front of the BM's. I very much so support DS and his sister, and anytime BD asks for extra time with DS for family events I have always given it to him. DS is not afraid to talk about his sister in front of me. Actually, at one of the last pick ups BD and I ended up talking for a little bit (he confessed they had broken up - this I already knew lol) and DS kept asking if his sister could call me Mommy. (I explained I wasn't her Mommy, ex-gf was.) I also know that BM2 supports the sibling relationship as she agreed that BD could have DD EOW, as well as any time that BD has DS (vacations, holidays, etcetera.) so that the two of them will still have a bond.

    As far as birthday party's and events go, my thought is that BD & I will handle that, not ex-gf/BM2. Currently, each year I have a party for DS and BD has a party for DS. If this continues, then DS will have siblings from me at the parties I host, and DS will have siblings from his BD at the parties BD hosts. If BM2 has an event she wants DS at, then I will let BD take him, no problem. If there is an event for DS (i.e. sports) then BD can come and he can bring his DD too.

    I just think it is too much of a mess to try to involve ex-gf/BM2 in my son's life. Yes, they had a relationship for awhile, but they have no relation now. It is normal for relationships to come and go, and I think it is unhealthy for ex-gf/BM2 to try to stay attached to him.

    When I was with BD, his nieces and I absolutely adored one another. I took them on outings frequently, saw them a ton, and watched them a lot. I still love those girls, and I still miss them too. However, I am not with BD anymore, and therefore do not have a relationship anymore. I see them every now and again when I pick up DS from BD's, and we say hi, but that's it. I'm just happy that DS still gets a relationship with them :)

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  • I think it's weird.  If your son is seeing his sister at his father's that is plenty.  And if the ex-gf wants to ever talk to your son that is between her and BD.  You shouldn't be involved in this.  It was his girlfriend, they have to work it out.  In all honesty with how you describe her my first thought is that she doesn't really want to talk to your son she wants to end up on the phone with you to gossip and b!tch together about your ex or something to that effect.  Just ignore her or tell her that if she wants to talk to DS she should talk to BD and see if she can do that on his time since their relationship had nothing to do with you.
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  • kali55kali55 member

    How often did ex-gf's DD see your son when her and BD were together?  Was it EOW?  If it was, then I would be highly suspect of her reasons for contacting you now that they are broken up.  My best guess is that she wants to talk smack about BD (I say that knowing almost nothing about the situation so I could be way out to lunch).  If her DD and your son saw each other a lot more and were only seeing each other EOW now I could understand her DD going through some separation anxiety.   



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  • imagekali55:

    How often did ex-gf's DD see your son when her and BD were together?  Was it EOW?  If it was, then I would be highly suspect of her reasons for contacting you now that they are broken up.  My best guess is that she wants to talk smack about BD (I say that knowing almost nothing about the situation so I could be way out to lunch).  If her DD and your son saw each other a lot more and were only seeing each other EOW now I could understand her DD going through some separation anxiety.   

    Since our CO BD has had DS EOWE (Every Other WeekEnd) and now he has DD EOW (Every Other Week) plus any other times (i.e. vacation or holiday) he has DS.

    So, DS and BD's DD are still seeing each other the exact same amount of time, so the only change in their relationship is that ex-gf isn't present during their time together. I don't think that matters much to them, they are 4 and 1.

    Ex-gf understandably misses DS, but my mindset is that this is what she will have to get used to. She is no longer playing an active role in DS's life.

    As I previously stated, if their DD calls to talk to DS when she is old enough to talk on the phone, I will not stop them from talking, nor will I stop DS calling their DD (his sister) if he wants to. 

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  • I think as long as ex gf is a good person and someone you can tolerate, there is nothing but good that can come from ds and ex gf keeping some contact. You don't have to go to the park every week and let her baby sit, but what is a few minutes on the phone once a week going to hurt. If you can't get along with her, then tell her she needs to talk to ds through bd. let him deal with that decision
  • I am pretty conflicted on my answer.

    Your DS seems to have enough contact with his sister in time spent with his father. Because she is his exgf, he should be in charge of taking care of how she has contact with your son if thats what she is looking for (which it seems because his sister cant talk) 

    However- Putting your personal lack of interest with her aside, I cant see why it would hurt  to allow DS to communicate with her until his sister can speak. Someone made a good point that if her communication just stopped with her SS after being in his life for so many years, she would be devastated. I can relate with that. So what does it really hurt to allow DS to communicate with her from time to time?

    You also made a great point of will you have to do this for every passing woman in BD's life? I would say no. Every situation is different and I would just take it one step at a time. 

    The thing is- you just never know. While chances are slim that this could happen or that will happen you just dont know. So what I feel the root answer is would be "what does it hurt?"

    Thats really the only answer that I can come up with. If it were me, I would let her know that I think his sister and your DS can spend quality time together while at BD because I wouldnt want to have to worry about fitting her into my lifes schedule for a phone call for the next (at least) ten years. However, there may be a day where I think to myself, why not? and allow him to call her.

    Sorry Im so much on the fence but it all depends on so many different things.

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  • i say give it a try,.. if you dont feel comfortable maybe space it out a little.. when ur kiddo is older it may be his decision if he wants to maintain a communicable relationship wit her or just with  his sis..

    Best of Luck!

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  • wwnbwwwnbw member

    imageRhenna:
    I think it's weird.  If your son is seeing his sister at his father's that is plenty.  And if the ex-gf wants to ever talk to your son that is between her and BD.  You shouldn't be involved in this.  It was his girlfriend, they have to work it out.  In all honesty with how you describe her my first thought is that she doesn't really want to talk to your son she wants to end up on the phone with you to gossip and b!tch together about your ex or something to that effect.  Just ignore her or tell her that if she wants to talk to DS she should talk to BD and see if she can do that on his time since their relationship had nothing to do with you.

    I'm with this poster.

    My DH was with SS # 2's mom off and on since BM # 1 was pregnant. They broke would even break up for a years at at time and then get back together. The last time they were done for good was when SS # 2 was born and SS # 1 was 7. SS 7 has no relationship with his brothers mom. She wasn't really a "mom" to him and that was a huge reason they finally broke up. It's sad that it took him 7 years to figure that out. Anyway I see no need for them to have any type of relationship. They never see each other and the few times they do it's just a quick hello. The boys see each other when SS # 2 comes over so they will/do have a good relationship. The BM's don't talk to each other and I think it would be strange if they did.

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  • I am a step-mom and think that you are perfectly alright to tell her "No." You are BM and her connection is through his BD, not you. If he wants DS to speak to her, then he can arrange it or not. Since you are not limiting & in fact encouraging a relationship with his little sister, that's all you need to worry about. Its BD's extension of DS's family so its his call & his responsibility to make that contact (if chosen) during his time with DS.
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  • I think it's up to you, but if I were in your situation I would allow the contact so long as it's positive. I say this because the incidents you are listing are all when the kids are little. Kids grow up and become adults and then have to live with the choices you make and it can affect them later on even though now it does not.

    I'm the "ours" kid in a blended family. As an adult, I see my brother's BM and my sister's BM at least a handfull of times a year. These women were never my stepparents since I'm the baby of the family yet I still have contact with them because my brother and sister have events that I see them at like their' kids' parties, ect. So your son will more than likely always have some exposure to her. Both of my siblings BM's have had adult conversations w/ me regarding events that happened before I was born. Someday your son may be at a party for his niece or nephew (his sister's child) and his sister's BM may mention that she had hoped to maintain a relationship with him and missed him but both you and your ex did not allow it. That may or may not affect your son at that time, but you will never know how he will feel then as of right now.

     

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  • imageLucyD1029:
    I honestly don't see why you wouldn't encourage a relationship between DS and his sister.  My son is 19 months old and it would break my heart if SS's mother tried to keep them apart.  They're still siblings.

    How am I not encouraging a relationship between DS and his sister?

    I don't think you read things right... Every time DS sees BD, he sees his sister too. (BD has DS EOWE and has his DD EOW, and the times coincide. BD also has his DD during any vacation & holiday time he has DS.) Also, I have always let BD take DS for any family events, and will continue to do so. If when DS's sister is old enough to talk, DS wants to call her or she wants to call him, I will encourage those phone calls.

    What I am not encouraging is a relationship between DS and his BD's ex-gf. 

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  • imagetwister22:
    imagesocloudy99:

    It is the best interest of your DS that you keep a friendly relationship. Dh has 2 BM's that each have two children. They are half siblings. I think it is important to support the relationship with his sister as a good thing. You never know if she may move back. You never know if they will go to the same school. It is right to support DS and his sisters relationship. BM#1 and BM#2 hated each other when the kids were little and had the same feelings about the situation you do. They never imagined they would end up living within 5 miles of each other and all the kids going to the same school when they hit preteens. It has been hard because of the past when you see each other at school/sport activities which happens all the time. It would be much easier if the BMs got over themselves along time ago and the kids could just be siblings in front of there moms like they are any other time but they can't. It is weird because the BMs made it weird.

    Make the exgf aware of what you are willing to do. Maybe one call between the kids visits with BD. One day you might want to invite your DS sister to his birthday party because YOUR DS will want her there. If it isn't BD's time the things you do now will make it "normal" to invite them for your DS.

    She never lived in our state to begin with. They met living in different states, and when BD was employed, he would drive to see her every weekend. After the baby was born, he started to insist that they travel to his home some, and eventually it became where they spent maybe 75% of the time where she lived and 25% of the time where he lived. They are both unemployed and living with their parents. Ex-gf refused to live up by BD's family the entire relationship, so I doubt she would leave all her family and friends behind to move up by him now that they are split up.

    DS and his sister going to the same school is extremely unlikely. Currently, the BM is the residential parent so it's the plan for the DD to go to school in her state. Also, BD and I live in completely different school districts. Oh, and I plan to home school my kids, so I don't think she'll be there ;).

    I do see where you are coming from in terms of making the kids comfortable with being siblings even in front of the BM's. I very much so support DS and his sister, and anytime BD asks for extra time with DS for family events I have always given it to him. DS is not afraid to talk about his sister in front of me. Actually, at one of the last pick ups BD and I ended up talking for a little bit (he confessed they had broken up - this I already knew lol) and DS kept asking if his sister could call me Mommy. (I explained I wasn't her Mommy, ex-gf was.) I also know that BM2 supports the sibling relationship as she agreed that BD could have DD EOW, as well as any time that BD has DS (vacations, holidays, etcetera.) so that the two of them will still have a bond.

    As far as birthday party's and events go, my thought is that BD & I will handle that, not ex-gf/BM2. Currently, each year I have a party for DS and BD has a party for DS. If this continues, then DS will have siblings from me at the parties I host, and DS will have siblings from his BD at the parties BD hosts. If BM2 has an event she wants DS at, then I will let BD take him, no problem. If there is an event for DS (i.e. sports) then BD can come and he can bring his DD too.

    I just think it is too much of a mess to try to involve ex-gf/BM2 in my son's life. Yes, they had a relationship for awhile, but they have no relation now. It is normal for relationships to come and go, and I think it is unhealthy for ex-gf/BM2 to try to stay attached to him.

    When I was with BD, his nieces and I absolutely adored one another. I took them on outings frequently, saw them a ton, and watched them a lot. I still love those girls, and I still miss them too. However, I am not with BD anymore, and therefore do not have a relationship anymore. I see them every now and again when I pick up DS from BD's, and we say hi, but that's it. I'm just happy that DS still gets a relationship with them :)

    This is the thought process I'm having a hard time understanding. Why can you not have a relationship with someone on your own? Why does it have to be through someone else? Isn't this the type of person you would want as a stepparent for your son, someone who cares about him? This woman may not be with your ex any longer but she does have a bond with your DS. And as gin pointed out, through his sister your DS will almost certainly still have at least a minimal relationship with her his entire life. Why not make it a pleasant one?

    And, no, you wouldn't have any need to keep your DS in touch with all of your ex's ex gf's. But she is more than an ex gf, she is the mother of your DS's sister. As long as the relationship isn't harmful, it sounds like you have nothing to lose and your DS has much to gain.

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  • imagetwister22:

    I'm not sure if people missed this part, but whenever BD has DS, he has his DD too. So, DS will always see his sister when he is at BD's.

    When DS is older, if he asks to talk to his sister, I will of course have him call her. Also, if his sister calls to talk to him, I will have no issue with that.

    BD has DS EOWE (Every Other WeekEnd), and BD has his DD EOW (Every Other Week). So, half of the time DD will be at BD's house, and I will have no issue with BD & DD calling to talk to DS. I just have issue with with ex-gf calling to talk to DS. Like I said, if their DD was older & could actually talk, I would be fine with DS talking to his sister during ex-gf time.

    I don't think you are wrong in your thinking... If BD has DD half the time and YDS gets to see her often, then BD can handle the "relationship" HE wants to allow during HIS time with HIS exgf... it's not your job to handle his failed relationships... My ex is engaged and they have twins together, if she decided to leave, I would feel no obligation to make sure any kind of relationship existed, whether between the twins and my kids, or her and my kids... that is up to their BD being it's HIS relationship. I would however not discourage the twins from calling my kids if they wanted to talk to them on my time, they are my kids brother and sister.

    People forget that just as we have CHOSEN to take on kids by starting a relationship with our DH's, people that  CHOSE to leave their DH or FI or whatev are also chosing to leave the kids... as much as that sucks, all decisions have consequences. It's not your job to clean up  his mess...

    and you're right, your DS will get over her quite quickly at his age... I mean shoot, my DD was 3 when their dad and I split up... she doesn't even remember that we were ever together... and he had a live-in GF for 1.5 years after me, she was REALLY involved in their lives and was very respectful to me etc, but she decided to leave (wasn't ready for 3 kids... duh she was 21...) She came around to visit every once in a while cuz "she missed the kids" and BD said kids missed her, but after about 6 months the kids never mentioned her anymore... at that point I let BD know that I thought her coming around every once in a blue moon was probably hurting the kids more than helping... everytime they started to get used to her not being around she would pop back up... I'm sure it was confusing to them. And her visits were really only for her benefit. (I know, not completely the same cuz there were no kids with her, but just making a point about keeping a close relationship with his ex-gf...)

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  • imagedoadance:
    imagetwister22:

    I'm not sure if people missed this part, but whenever BD has DS, he has his DD too. So, DS will always see his sister when he is at BD's.

    When DS is older, if he asks to talk to his sister, I will of course have him call her. Also, if his sister calls to talk to him, I will have no issue with that.

    BD has DS EOWE (Every Other WeekEnd), and BD has his DD EOW (Every Other Week). So, half of the time DD will be at BD's house, and I will have no issue with BD & DD calling to talk to DS. I just have issue with with ex-gf calling to talk to DS. Like I said, if their DD was older & could actually talk, I would be fine with DS talking to his sister during ex-gf time.

    I don't think you are wrong in your thinking... If BD has DD half the time and YDS gets to see her often, then BD can handle the "relationship" HE wants to allow during HIS time with HIS exgf... it's not your job to handle his failed relationships... My ex is engaged and they have twins together, if she decided to leave, I would feel no obligation to make sure any kind of relationship existed, whether between the twins and my kids, or her and my kids... that is up to their BD being it's HIS relationship. I would however not discourage the twins from calling my kids if they wanted to talk to them on my time, they are my kids brother and sister.

    People forget that just as we have CHOSEN to take on kids by starting a relationship with our DH's, people that  CHOSE to leave their DH or FI or whatev are also chosing to leave the kids... as much as that sucks, all decisions have consequences. It's not your job to clean up  his mess...

    and you're right, your DS will get over her quite quickly at his age... I mean shoot, my DD was 3 when their dad and I split up... she doesn't even remember that we were ever together... and he had a live-in GF for 1.5 years after me, she was REALLY involved in their lives and was very respectful to me etc, but she decided to leave (wasn't ready for 3 kids... duh she was 21...) She came around to visit every once in a while cuz "she missed the kids" and BD said kids missed her, but after about 6 months the kids never mentioned her anymore... at that point I let BD know that I thought her coming around every once in a blue moon was probably hurting the kids more than helping... everytime they started to get used to her not being around she would pop back up... I'm sure it was confusing to them. And her visits were really only for her benefit. (I know, not completely the same cuz there were no kids with her, but just making a point about keeping a close relationship with his ex-gf...)

    Hmm. I've been around and helping raise our older 2 since I was 17. That's an invalid point.
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  • imageKaeldrasmommy:
    imagedoadance:
    imagetwister22:

    I'm not sure if people missed this part, but whenever BD has DS, he has his DD too. So, DS will always see his sister when he is at BD's.

    When DS is older, if he asks to talk to his sister, I will of course have him call her. Also, if his sister calls to talk to him, I will have no issue with that.

    BD has DS EOWE (Every Other WeekEnd), and BD has his DD EOW (Every Other Week). So, half of the time DD will be at BD's house, and I will have no issue with BD & DD calling to talk to DS. I just have issue with with ex-gf calling to talk to DS. Like I said, if their DD was older & could actually talk, I would be fine with DS talking to his sister during ex-gf time.

    I don't think you are wrong in your thinking... If BD has DD half the time and YDS gets to see her often, then BD can handle the "relationship" HE wants to allow during HIS time with HIS exgf... it's not your job to handle his failed relationships... My ex is engaged and they have twins together, if she decided to leave, I would feel no obligation to make sure any kind of relationship existed, whether between the twins and my kids, or her and my kids... that is up to their BD being it's HIS relationship. I would however not discourage the twins from calling my kids if they wanted to talk to them on my time, they are my kids brother and sister.

    People forget that just as we have CHOSEN to take on kids by starting a relationship with our DH's, people that  CHOSE to leave their DH or FI or whatev are also chosing to leave the kids... as much as that sucks, all decisions have consequences. It's not your job to clean up  his mess...

    and you're right, your DS will get over her quite quickly at his age... I mean shoot, my DD was 3 when their dad and I split up... she doesn't even remember that we were ever together... and he had a live-in GF for 1.5 years after me, she was REALLY involved in their lives and was very respectful to me etc, but she decided to leave (wasn't ready for 3 kids... duh she was 21...) She came around to visit every once in a while cuz "she missed the kids" and BD said kids missed her, but after about 6 months the kids never mentioned her anymore... at that point I let BD know that I thought her coming around every once in a blue moon was probably hurting the kids more than helping... everytime they started to get used to her not being around she would pop back up... I'm sure it was confusing to them. And her visits were really only for her benefit. (I know, not completely the same cuz there were no kids with her, but just making a point about keeping a close relationship with his ex-gf...)

    Hmm. I've been around and helping raise our older 2 since I was 17. That's an invalid point.

    Most young people aren't ready for kids, especially kids that are not theirs. But, kudos to you for stepping up, being ready and able, and doing a god job at it. I think her point was just that the majority of young people are not ready for the huge responsibility that kids are. 

    image
  • imagePegleg715:

    I tend to agree that if it's not a harmful or strenuous relationship I don't know what a few phone calls would hurt. 

    As the children get older schedules are going to change. And they won't both be at BD's house at the same time. And who knows how bd and his ex will end up making things work. If you can maintain a civil relationship with her I think it might go a long way in showing your DH that you consider it important. I wouldn't go nuts. But a phone call every few weeks or even months.  And a play date every now and then without bd wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. 

    On the other hand it sounds to me like you have already made up your mind and what you really want here is validation of your decision. If its made then stick to it. But I honestly don't see the problem, assuming she's not selling drugs out of the trunk of her car or something.  

    Yeah, I guess I have made up my mind ;). However, it was good to get insight and other perspectives, and I found it helpful.

    I wouldn't have any issue with a play date every now and then w/o BD for the sake of DS and his sister, but considering ex-gf/BM2 lives nearly 4 hours away, I don't see that happening.

    I think it is best if I stay out of it, and let BD handle whether or not he wants DS and ex-gf to have a relationship. Personally, I think it's too complicated and will do DS more harm than good and only confuse him, but this is BD's decision to make as it was his relationship.

    Thanks everyone for your input, it's great to hear unbiased (well, kind of ;).) opinions! 

    image
  • imagetwister22:
    imageKaeldrasmommy:
    imagedoadance:
    imagetwister22:

    I'm not sure if people missed this part, but whenever BD has DS, he has his DD too. So, DS will always see his sister when he is at BD's.

    When DS is older, if he asks to talk to his sister, I will of course have him call her. Also, if his sister calls to talk to him, I will have no issue with that.

    BD has DS EOWE (Every Other WeekEnd), and BD has his DD EOW (Every Other Week). So, half of the time DD will be at BD's house, and I will have no issue with BD & DD calling to talk to DS. I just have issue with with ex-gf calling to talk to DS. Like I said, if their DD was older & could actually talk, I would be fine with DS talking to his sister during ex-gf time.

    I don't think you are wrong in your thinking... If BD has DD half the time and YDS gets to see her often, then BD can handle the "relationship" HE wants to allow during HIS time with HIS exgf... it's not your job to handle his failed relationships... My ex is engaged and they have twins together, if she decided to leave, I would feel no obligation to make sure any kind of relationship existed, whether between the twins and my kids, or her and my kids... that is up to their BD being it's HIS relationship. I would however not discourage the twins from calling my kids if they wanted to talk to them on my time, they are my kids brother and sister.

    People forget that just as we have CHOSEN to take on kids by starting a relationship with our DH's, people that  CHOSE to leave their DH or FI or whatev are also chosing to leave the kids... as much as that sucks, all decisions have consequences. It's not your job to clean up  his mess...

    and you're right, your DS will get over her quite quickly at his age... I mean shoot, my DD was 3 when their dad and I split up... she doesn't even remember that we were ever together... and he had a live-in GF for 1.5 years after me, she was REALLY involved in their lives and was very respectful to me etc, but she decided to leave (wasn't ready for 3 kids... duh she was 21...) She came around to visit every once in a while cuz "she missed the kids" and BD said kids missed her, but after about 6 months the kids never mentioned her anymore... at that point I let BD know that I thought her coming around every once in a blue moon was probably hurting the kids more than helping... everytime they started to get used to her not being around she would pop back up... I'm sure it was confusing to them. And her visits were really only for her benefit. (I know, not completely the same cuz there were no kids with her, but just making a point about keeping a close relationship with his ex-gf...)

    Hmm. I've been around and helping raise our older 2 since I was 17. That's an invalid point.

    Most young people aren't ready for kids, especially kids that are not theirs. But, kudos to you for stepping up, being ready and able, and doing a god job at it. I think her point was just that the majority of young people are not ready for the huge responsibility that kids are. 

    I'm sure you're right. Thank you, I tend to be overly touchy about most people's assumption that youth=immaturity, stupidity, ignorance. Not that doadnace was saying so, just a general annoyance.
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  • What I don't understand is why you get on here asking other people their opinions of the situation, and then shoot down everyone's thoughts.  

    Yes, XGF lives in another state, and no BD isn't the type to go to soccer games (now), but this is the mother of your sons sister.  We aren't saying that you have to be best friends with this woman, we're saying that in the future it is in the best interest of the children involved for the adults to play nice.  

    Now, if you don't want them talking now just tell her that you'd like to wait until there is more distance from the situation and your son has healed more from the changes.  He needs to not be confused at this time.  Or, you could tell her that you think phone calls are a great idea between the siblings, but since the sister can't talk on the phone yet you'd like to hold off.  Or, maybe skyping would be an option-that way there is something in it for the sister.  I'm sure they'd get a kick out of being able to see each other.  

    If youre hell bent on not allowing the call, or not responding to XGF then I suggest you don't ask other people their opinions because you've clearly made up your mind and aren't interested in other opinion or viewpoints, 

  • As a BM I see it this way:  I have very little control over how involved my ex allowed some of his girlfriends to be with our daughter.  Some of these women came to love my daughter, and still do, even though the relationship ran its course.  Some still want to talk to her from time-to-time (no other children involved) and I have no problem with this.  People that care about my daughter enough to make the effort to keep contact with her?  This just never seems like a bad thing to me. 
  • Here is a real life example:

    My friend's BD (DD1) had another child within months of her birth (DD2).  BD stepped out of the picture within a few years.  The mothers kept their DDs in contact and both girls view their half-sister's family as their own.  They all grown up now but the girls still visit each other and regularly speak with the "other" mom.  The moms were never really friends but viewed each other as an extension of someone they loved and worked out their own version of visitation.

    I understand that your situation is a little different.  I wanted to share an amazing story that could have gone a very different way.

    Both girls speak so frequently about their "other" mom that many assumed the moms were a same sex couple.  LOL. 

    together since 2006
    full time stepmom to SS1 and SS2 since 2010
    married since 2011

    TTC since 7/2011 (no planned bc since 2008)
    HSG 11/2011: one blocked tube
    S/A 2/2012 and retest S/A 3/2012: normal
    Bloodwork: normal
    2nd HSG 5/2012: clear
    Femara cycle 5mg #1 7/14/12 + IUI #1 7/23/12 = bfn
    New RE appt 8/14/12
    IVF #1 meds 8/30/12. ER 9/14/2012: 7 retrieved, 6 fertilized. ET 9/19/12: 1 perfect embryo 5dt.
    Beta #1 BFP! 97
    Beta #2 234
    Beta #3 4937
    ultrasound #1 heart beat 127
    10/20/12 graduated!!!
    EDD 6/7/12
    Team PINK!!

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  • imageKaeldrasmommy:
    imagetwister22:
    imageKaeldrasmommy:
    imagedoadance:
    imagetwister22:

    I'm not sure if people missed this part, but whenever BD has DS, he has his DD too. So, DS will always see his sister when he is at BD's.

    When DS is older, if he asks to talk to his sister, I will of course have him call her. Also, if his sister calls to talk to him, I will have no issue with that.

    BD has DS EOWE (Every Other WeekEnd), and BD has his DD EOW (Every Other Week). So, half of the time DD will be at BD's house, and I will have no issue with BD & DD calling to talk to DS. I just have issue with with ex-gf calling to talk to DS. Like I said, if their DD was older & could actually talk, I would be fine with DS talking to his sister during ex-gf time.

    I don't think you are wrong in your thinking... If BD has DD half the time and YDS gets to see her often, then BD can handle the "relationship" HE wants to allow during HIS time with HIS exgf... it's not your job to handle his failed relationships... My ex is engaged and they have twins together, if she decided to leave, I would feel no obligation to make sure any kind of relationship existed, whether between the twins and my kids, or her and my kids... that is up to their BD being it's HIS relationship. I would however not discourage the twins from calling my kids if they wanted to talk to them on my time, they are my kids brother and sister.

    People forget that just as we have CHOSEN to take on kids by starting a relationship with our DH's, people that  CHOSE to leave their DH or FI or whatev are also chosing to leave the kids... as much as that sucks, all decisions have consequences. It's not your job to clean up  his mess...

    and you're right, your DS will get over her quite quickly at his age... I mean shoot, my DD was 3 when their dad and I split up... she doesn't even remember that we were ever together... and he had a live-in GF for 1.5 years after me, she was REALLY involved in their lives and was very respectful to me etc, but she decided to leave (wasn't ready for 3 kids... duh she was 21...) She came around to visit every once in a while cuz "she missed the kids" and BD said kids missed her, but after about 6 months the kids never mentioned her anymore... at that point I let BD know that I thought her coming around every once in a blue moon was probably hurting the kids more than helping... everytime they started to get used to her not being around she would pop back up... I'm sure it was confusing to them. And her visits were really only for her benefit. (I know, not completely the same cuz there were no kids with her, but just making a point about keeping a close relationship with his ex-gf...)

    Hmm. I've been around and helping raise our older 2 since I was 17. That's an invalid point.

    Most young people aren't ready for kids, especially kids that are not theirs. But, kudos to you for stepping up, being ready and able, and doing a god job at it. I think her point was just that the majority of young people are not ready for the huge responsibility that kids are. 

    I'm sure you're right. Thank you, I tend to be overly touchy about most people's assumption that youth=immaturity, stupidity, ignorance. Not that doadnace was saying so, just a general annoyance.

    I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to generalize all young people into that category. I was only 19 when I had my first and was 18 when I got with him and he already had a daughter. I generalized that statement too much without background. It's not unreasonable to think a mature young person can step up to the plate, I just knew her (we were friends before) and her lifestyle... and she was all too quick to "play house"... then realized that meant cutting out the majority of her freedom and partying ways... so she bailed. Even my ex (since I had cautioned him about it) said "You can say I told you so"... to which I said "I wouldn't ever say that, I'm sorry it didn't work, I really liked her and she was good to our kids."

    Sorry for making it sound like I didn't think young people could hang. But three is a lot to walk into!! lol  

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  • imageFriskyPanda:

    What I don't understand is why you get on here asking other people their opinions of the situation, and then shoot down everyone's thoughts.  

    Yes, XGF lives in another state, and no BD isn't the type to go to soccer games (now), but this is the mother of your sons sister.  We aren't saying that you have to be best friends with this woman, we're saying that in the future it is in the best interest of the children involved for the adults to play nice.  

    Now, if you don't want them talking now just tell her that you'd like to wait until there is more distance from the situation and your son has healed more from the changes.  He needs to not be confused at this time.  Or, you could tell her that you think phone calls are a great idea between the siblings, but since the sister can't talk on the phone yet you'd like to hold off.  Or, maybe skyping would be an option-that way there is something in it for the sister.  I'm sure they'd get a kick out of being able to see each other.  

    If youre hell bent on not allowing the call, or not responding to XGF then I suggest you don't ask other people their opinions because you've clearly made up your mind and aren't interested in other opinion or viewpoints, 

    I've read lots of times someone comes on here for validation ;). It was good to hear the other point of view, and did give me some perspective.

    I have NOTHING against DS and his sister talking. I know ex-gf, and this isn't really about her DD talking to my DS, it's about HER wanting to maintain a relationship with him. She was controlling, manipulative, and would tell my son lies. Not someone I think my son needs a buddy-buddy relationship with. DS will see his sis EOWE, and if BD wants DS to maintain a relationship with ex-gf, that's his business.

    I always have, and always will play nice with this girl. But, BD is in the picture with both of these kids, so it's not like BM2 and I have to get together for the sake of the kids - they have their BD to facilitate that. Now, if something happened to BD, this would be a different story and I would maintain more of a relationship with ex-gf/BM2 for the sake of our kids. 

    image
  • imagetwister22:
    imageFriskyPanda:

    What I don't understand is why you get on here asking other people their opinions of the situation, and then shoot down everyone's thoughts.  

    Yes, XGF lives in another state, and no BD isn't the type to go to soccer games (now), but this is the mother of your sons sister.  We aren't saying that you have to be best friends with this woman, we're saying that in the future it is in the best interest of the children involved for the adults to play nice.  

    Now, if you don't want them talking now just tell her that you'd like to wait until there is more distance from the situation and your son has healed more from the changes.  He needs to not be confused at this time.  Or, you could tell her that you think phone calls are a great idea between the siblings, but since the sister can't talk on the phone yet you'd like to hold off.  Or, maybe skyping would be an option-that way there is something in it for the sister.  I'm sure they'd get a kick out of being able to see each other.  

    If youre hell bent on not allowing the call, or not responding to XGF then I suggest you don't ask other people their opinions because you've clearly made up your mind and aren't interested in other opinion or viewpoints, 

    I've read lots of times someone comes on here for validation ;). It was good to hear the other point of view, and did give me some perspective.

    I have NOTHING against DS and his sister talking. I know ex-gf, and this isn't really about her DD talking to my DS, it's about HER wanting to maintain a relationship with him. She was controlling, manipulative, and would tell my son lies. Not someone I think my son needs a buddy-buddy relationship with. DS will see his sis EOWE, and if BD wants DS to maintain a relationship with ex-gf, that's his business.

    I always have, and always will play nice with this girl. But, BD is in the picture with both of these kids, so it's not like BM2 and I have to get together for the sake of the kids - they have their BD to facilitate that. Now, if something happened to BD, this would be a different story and I would maintain more of a relationship with ex-gf/BM2 for the sake of our kids. 

     

    Kuddos. I completely agree with you. 

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