Blended Families

Looking for advice XP from Oct 12

When my ex and I got divorced, I gave him EVERYTHING, in exchange for primary placement of our daughter without having to fight for it. He was happily dating another woman, and couldn't have cared less about DD. Having placement was the only thing I cared about, the material stuff could all be replaced. He was never a great role model, taking her to visit his girlfriends while we were still married (I didn't find this out until later). Anyway, he married his current wife a whopping 6 months and 8 days after our divorce was final. She has tried to step in as mom many times, even purposefully having a sex talk with DD, just so she could beat me to it. She is very overbearing in a lot of ways.

I worked out a deal with my ex a couple of years ago that I would "let" him have DD half the time. I didn't ever want her to resent me, or think I kept her from him, and he's got 2 daughters from his first marriage that I wanted her to know as sisters. According to the details of our divorce, I have primary placement and he can have visitation "with appropraite notice." His wife is now being very unfair to my DD, which is causing her not to want to spend so much time with her dad. DD is currently 12, so according to state law, in a year, she can go into court stating what she wants, but in the mean time, does anyone have any opinions on what fair visitation would be based on our divorce? I want him to realize that we've been nice in agreeing for him to spend 1/2 time with her, but that it is not a right he has, since DD no longer wants to spend that amount of time. Please don't think I am using DD to get back at him, I am doing this for her, as she is always very unhappy when she is there, so maybe spending less time will help her appreciate the time she does have with her dad, and the same for him.

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Re: Looking for advice XP from Oct 12

  • How long has your ex been remarried? Has your dd always had issues with SM? Are they new? 
  • imagesdwyer0202:

    When my ex and I got divorced, I gave him EVERYTHING, in exchange for primary placement of our daughter without having to fight for it. He was happily dating another woman, and couldn't have cared less about DD. Having placement was the only thing I cared about, the material stuff could all be replaced. He was never a great role model, taking her to visit his girlfriends while we were still married (I didn't find this out until later). Anyway, he married his current wife a whopping 6 months and 8 days after our divorce was final. She has tried to step in as mom many times, even purposefully having a sex talk with DD, just so she could beat me to it. She is very overbearing in a lot of ways.

    I worked out a deal with my ex a couple of years ago that I would "let" him have DD half the time. I didn't ever want her to resent me, or think I kept her from him, and he's got 2 daughters from his first marriage that I wanted her to know as sisters. According to the details of our divorce, I have primary placement and he can have visitation "with appropraite notice." His wife is now being very unfair to my DD, which is causing her not to want to spend so much time with her dad. DD is currently 12, so according to state law, in a year, she can go into court stating what she wants, but in the mean time, does anyone have any opinions on what fair visitation would be based on our divorce? I want him to realize that we've been nice in agreeing for him to spend 1/2 time with her, but that it is not a right he has, since DD no longer wants to spend that amount of time. Please don't think I am using DD to get back at him, I am doing this for her, as she is always very unhappy when she is there, so maybe spending less time will help her appreciate the time she does have with her dad, and the same for him.

    I have a DD that is also 12 and even if she told me she didn't want to spend the time with her BD because of X,Y,Z. I would still make her go as he does have a RIGHT to see her. 

     It sounds like you have more of a problem with the SM. In which case, you should probably discuss with your Ex the problems your DD is bringing to your attention as a concern. Also as your court papers say he can have visitation with approriate notice, it doesn't really sound like you can deny him extra time and you've set a precedence unless you have a lot of valid evidence to back up why she shouldn't be there as often.

    DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)

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  • He remarried in 2005, and yes, there have always been issues between she & DD. When they first got married, she made DD cry and grounded her because she was forcing DD to call her mom, and DD wouldn't. There's a long history of her controlling nature there. DD has always tried to just keep the peace, never wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, but lately, she's been able to speak up for herself. The other thing is that they treat ExH's first two girls totally differently, they don't have the same rules put on DD.

    I still want DD to spend time with her dad, I just don't know exactly how to determine what would be "fair" according to the courts.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • imagesdwyer0202:

    He remarried in 2005, and yes, there have always been issues between she & DD. When they first got married, she made DD cry and grounded her because she was forcing DD to call her mom, and DD wouldn't. There's a long history of her controlling nature there. DD has always tried to just keep the peace, never wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, but lately, she's been able to speak up for herself. The other thing is that they treat ExH's first two girls totally differently, they don't have the same rules put on DD.

    I still want DD to spend time with her dad, I just don't know exactly how to determine what would be "fair" according to the courts.

    It's hard since you've already set a precedent, and even though it's clear that DD doesn't want to go there, this is going to be hard. I would talk to BD and explain the issues DD has with SM. See if he does anything to fix those. If he doesn't, I would scale back the time she spends with him. If he tries to take you to court, it could take months, and DD has a year (less than a year?) until she can make that decision for herself anyway. If you split time 50/50 now, then I would scale it back slowly, so it's a smoother adjustment for everyone.

    image
  • imagesdwyer0202:

    He remarried in 2005, and yes, there have always been issues between she & DD. When they first got married, she made DD cry and grounded her because she was forcing DD to call her mom, and DD wouldn't. There's a long history of her controlling nature there. DD has always tried to just keep the peace, never wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, but lately, she's been able to speak up for herself. The other thing is that they treat ExH's first two girls totally differently, they don't have the same rules put on DD.

    I still want DD to spend time with her dad, I just don't know exactly how to determine what would be "fair" according to the courts.

    Then why for the last 7 years have you given him 50/50 when it was not COd if his wife was mistreating your DD?  You stated that you gave him "everything" so you could have primary custody and yet gave that to him eventually which defeated giving him everything. Makes me think there is more to this situation.

    You set a precedence and many judges will give him 50/50 now and admonish you if you take it away and he takes you to court. You can tell him you are going back to Having primary custody and him getting visitation and hope he will not go to court but if you think he will you might be hurting your own case.  Or you can tell him it is hat Dd wants and see if he will agree and put it in writing. Or wait until next year and go back for changes. 

    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • First, you are just as complicit to your DD's situation as your Ex and his wife. 

    YOU got primary placement/custody.  But YOU allowed your DD to spend more visitation with her father and emotionally abusive SM EVEN THOUGH YOU KNEW ABOUT the abuse.   Your parenting is no better than theirs.

    Second, courts do not GIVE a 12 yo what they want, when it comes to deciding which parent to live in.  12 year old do not know what is best for them.  They are easily swayed by emotion, dangling toys (ie selfishness) and laziness. 

    A judge will listen and add that to his decision making, but not just give into a pre-teen.  That is bad parenting.

    Points one and two make me wonder if we are getting the full facts about this situation.  I have a SS who, before we got primary custody, would call DH and relay these crazy stories about what BM did to him.  Guess what happend to us not 2 weeks after we got him in our home?  He claimed that DH had spanked him so hard once that he bled ("if you hit something long enough it breaks" was the direct quote). 

    SS swore this happened he was 5.  Problem is, SS was living in Germany with his mother and DH was living in Virginia for that entire year.  But he just got caught looking at porn on the computer, something he had specifically been warned not to do (DH 'trusted' him, so no parental controls at the time). He needed something to get out of his predicament.

    Now, I am not saying that your DD is lying or that BM isnt that horrible.  But if she IS that horrible, what in the hell were YOU doing putting DD in her preseance

    file:///Users/Ilumine/Desktop/Family%20Portrait%20for%20gift.jpg
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