Blended Families

XH alienating the children

I posted this on the single parents board but it is not very active. I am sure some parents from this board have had this experience and could help me out. TIA

I am a newbie to posting, but have been a lurker for a while. I need some advice.

My xh and I have been divorced 4 years. He is remarried (to his affair partner). I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for a year. We had a visitation order in place for the last several years that he and I both agreed on. It gave him 3 weekends a month and split holidays. Apparantly he became unhappy with that arrangement, and instead of filing for a modification or requesting mediation, he decided the way to go was to get a restraining order against me for our 3 children. He made claims of physical and emotional abuse. The courts have dismissed those claims but we are now in a custody dispute.

The oldest (15) decided she would like to split her time equally so that is the final arrangement for her. He has convinced the youngest two (12 & 13) to say they don't want to live with me, that I am mean, and that I yell all the time. I guess I am mean in that I have rules and expectations, bedtimes, computer and video game rules, and chores. I have always been the "mean" parent when it comes to all that, even when we were married. I don't yell anymore, I was frustrated a long time ago and didn't know how to proporly manage my feelings, so I yelled. But that ended along with the marriage. I guess I figured out the source of my frustration.

I believe xh to have narcissistic personality traits and that I am his scapegoat. He and his parents have blamed me for everything that has gone wrong in his life. According to them, he was the perfect husband and father and I am just a selfish brat. Reality is he is an alcoholic adulterer who cannot keep a job. He drinks because of me, cheated because of me, and didn't have any money because I spent it all.

In real life, I have paid for every doctor, dentist, school clothes, braces, and lunch bill for the children. I have been their constant source of support. I have always been there loving them and doing right by them.

Ever since the restraining order fiasco, their attitude towards me is different. I spend a lot of time checking their attitudes and comments toward me. I have become their scapegoat also. They say I am the reason they don't have any fun and I only want them around to do chores. I am having a hard time with discipline because I am not sure what the right thing is to do. I love them very much but I am afraid they will become manipulative adults.

There is a GAL assigned to this case but they have told the same lies to her.  I know her job is to sort through everything but it is hard leaving my fate up to a total stranger who doesn't know our whole story.

 

Re: XH alienating the children

  • That sounds like a nightmare!  I'm sorry you are going through this.  I don't know what a GAL is but I'm assuming some sort of mediator?  I think if I were in your position I would start with going to family counseling between you and the children.  I think a therapist would be better suited to get through to the children and helping them see in a non biased environment what the reality is of the situation. 
    Pregnancy Ticker

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  • So on one hand you have fun weekend dad and on the other you have mean real life rule mom. That sucks.

    Do you have everyone (you and the kids) in family therapy yet? If not, I would get on that. You need a neutral third party to help evaluate this, beyond the GAL.

    Good luck

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  • When DH and BM were in court last a guardian ad litem (GAL) was appointed for SD too.  DH and I met with her, BM and SF met with her, and then she met with SD twice (once DH took her on his time and once BM took her on her time).  She let us know she had the option of doing home studies (coming into each home and observing our family interactions, the environment etc...).  If I were you I would request this.  Let the GAL come into your home and see you interact with your kids.  Let her see their attitudes at play, and your genuine reactions (as genuine as they can be when you know someone is watching).  Ask that your XH be required to submit to the same thing.
    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
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