Advice Re:My Mom (Kinda long not a vent)

redneckmomma25

My mom has always been a smoker.  She's always been really considerate.  She never smoked around me.  I think I was 18 or so the first time she lit a cigarette with me and she made me turn around.  She's never smoked inside. She never smells like it really.  Her hair a little, probably her hands but I don't smell them.  She now has a new boyfriend who is a complete loser on many accounts.  2 weeks ago at a family BBQ he lights a cigarette next to me.  I didn't see if first because I was turned the other direction talking to someone.  My sister noticed and asked him to smoke away from us.  She's asthmatic and so are her kids, plus I'm pregnant.  I don't think she was out of line for asking.  Well he got all offended and pissy.  He was acting like a 5 year old saying I'll just go to the end of the drive way to smoke. He lives with my mom and my mom has now let him smoke in the house! What?! Why?! She just bought this house.  It's freshly painted and the kitchen was just beautifully redone.  I was floored that she let him smoke in the house! Now it's been over a month I'm sure that she has let him smoke in the house.  When I talk to her and she says she wants to invite us for dinner or lunch I say not until John stops smoking in the house.  The first time I mentioned it I really just stated that I would not come over nor would the baby be allowed over if it continues.  The second time about a week or so later she brought up dinner again.  I told her not until John stops smoking in the house.  This time I got a little more angry and told her how inconsiderate it is for him to smoke in your house.  I told her if she wants I will be the bad guy and tell him to stop.  I really can't stand the guy so I would gladly tell him not to.  I have no issues with that.  She will not respond further than "I know" in reference to me or the baby not coming over until he stops smoking in the house.  She will then change the subject or start talking to her dog.  I don't know what else to say to her.  I've made it very clear that I will not come over if he is smoking in the house.  The house is one level and about 1400sqft.  It has 3 doors to the outside not to mention an attached garage if it's raining.  Go smoke outside.  I think I'm more hurt than anything.  I feel like she really doesn't care that much when I know she does! I want to go have dinner in my mom's new kitchen! I want to bring the baby over.  I just don't know what to do.  Do I just go over and talk to him? I feel like that is undermining my mom.  I just don't think she is going to say something to him and it hurts me.  I am absolutely standing my ground and will not go over or have the baby over and she knows that.  I just don't understand.

Thank you for actually reading this and thank you if you have any suggestions for me!

JessAndTrav

Bethevans85:

My mom has always been a smoker.  She's always been really considerate.  She never smoked around me.  I think I was 18 or so the first time she lit a cigarette with me and she made me turn around.  She's never smoked inside. She never smells like it really.  Her hair a little, probably her hands but I don't smell them. 

She now has a new boyfriend who is a complete loser on many accounts.  2 weeks ago at a family BBQ he lights a cigarette next to me.  I didn't see if first because I was turned the other direction talking to someone.  My sister noticed and asked him to smoke away from us.  She's asthmatic and so are her kids, plus I'm pregnant.  I don't think she was out of line for asking.  Well he got all offended and pissy.  He was acting like a 5 year old saying I'll just go to the end of the drive way to smoke.

He lives with my mom and my mom has now let him smoke in the house! What?! Why?! She just bought this house.  It's freshly painted and the kitchen was just beautifully redone.  I was floored that she let him smoke in the house! Now it's been over a month I'm sure that she has let him smoke in the house.  When I talk to her and she says she wants to invite us for dinner or lunch I say not until John stops smoking in the house. 

The first time I mentioned it I really just stated that I would not come over nor would the baby be allowed over if it continues.  The second time about a week or so later she brought up dinner again.  I told her not until John stops smoking in the house.  This time I got a little more angry and told her how inconsiderate it is for him to smoke in your house.  I told her if she wants I will be the bad guy and tell him to stop.  I really can't stand the guy so I would gladly tell him not to.  I have no issues with that.  She will not respond further than "I know" in reference to me or the baby not coming over until he stops smoking in the house.  She will then change the subject or start talking to her dog. 

I don't know what else to say to her.  I've made it very clear that I will not come over if he is smoking in the house.  The house is one level and about 1400sqft.  It has 3 doors to the outside not to mention an attached garage if it's raining.  Go smoke outside.  I think I'm more hurt than anything.  I feel like she really doesn't care that much when I know she does!

I want to go have dinner in my mom's new kitchen! I want to bring the baby over.  I just don't know what to do.  Do I just go over and talk to him? I feel like that is undermining my mom.  I just don't think she is going to say something to him and it hurts me.  I am absolutely standing my ground and will not go over or have the baby over and she knows that.  I just don't understand.

Thank you for actually reading this and thank you if you have any suggestions for me!

I had to break it up into paragraphs to process it all, and I decided to quote it so that others could too--I promise it wasn't to be rude.

You shouldn't say anything to him about it. SHE needs to be the one to say it, because while you don't care for this guy, you don't want to make him get mad at her, you know? 

Ultimately, it's her house and she gets the final say. I completely understand how this makes you feel, though. I think you just need to keep talking with her about it, and don't be afraid to remind her that you won't bring the baby over if there's smoking in the house.

My mom is probably going to be moving into her own place soon, and my sister and I have already decided that we're going to tell our mom that if she smokes inside at the new place, the kids won't get to go over there, because we don't want them exposed to that, and we don't them smelling like that.

 Good luck.

SarahJean0

My parents both smoke and in their house...I'm kind of going through the same thing.

Since I've been pregnant, they dont smoke around me, which is nice but I'm worried about what will happen after the baby comes. 

Honestly, I think they kind of have the mentality that I grew up with them smoking and I turned out just fine, so what can it hurt. I DO NOT want my baby around that, or her smelling like smoke!!

I'm kind of at a loss...I dont know what the big deal is, why dont people just smoke outside? I get that its their right b/c its their house but it stinks!

I dont know what advice to give ya...I'll be interested to see what other people say.

 

MomiJerz

While I think you are well within your right to not want to go to your moms if he smokes in her house I think you have no right at all to tell him he can't . And no right at all to tell your mother what she should tell him, your mother is grown and if she allows him to do it unfortunately it's not your position to say otherwise even if you don't like him.  

gblake

You don't say anything to him. You've already told your mom your requests and wishes, she understood and hasn't done anything to correct the situation. It's her house, her relationship and her life. When the baby gets here don't take them inside. Let your words match your actions and perhaps then she'll do something then.

Swainb

I agree with what everyone else is saying, would you want your mother coming to your house and telling your husband/boyfriend/fiance what he can and cannot do there? 

miss50

My mom is a heavy smoker.  I would prefer she stop smoking in her condo now, but I really cannot control that.  I would also love for her to throw a fresh coat of paint before the baby is born, but that isn't going to happen.....

She said she plans to stop smoking in the house when LO is born.  I hope she sticks to it since I plan on her watching LO one day a week in the winter.  If she doesn't, the baby will NOT be going over there.  Final Word, no negotiation!

If you feel strongly about he smoke, stick to your guns!  We have your back! 

kcalpin

I agree with PPs on this one.  My mom is a heavy smoker, but she doesn't smoke in her house (she smokes outside or in the garage) and doesn't smoke around me.  I think if your mom wants to see you and LO, then she'll have to come to you or put her foot down at home.  But any time someone lights up around me, I ask them to please move away (only if I was there first....I wouldn't walk into a smoker's space and ask them to move).  I've gotten into a few altercations with people, but I don't give a you-know-what.

redneckmomma25

Thanks ladies. I know I have no right telling him not to. I offered to her that I would tell him if she wants. She's not confrontational at all. It's hard for me to accept the fact that she would rather let this guy smoke in her house than have her daughter over. But you are all right. Not my place to tell him unless my mom asks. Then I would happily. But I guess I will just wait and hope she will tell him to stop 

chrissymazer

I have to agree...it's her place to speak to him.  Likely he won't listen to you anyway and will just cause him to be more of a whiny baby toward you. 

I would just keep doing what you're doing: Stand your ground about you or the baby being in your mom's house until he not only smokes outside but the inside has had time to air out/be deep cleaned.

I'll bet that once the baby is born she will realize how much she will miss by just not making him smoke outside.