Would you be concerned? (tl;dr warning)

andyyougoonie

My SIL is very active in her church's youth group, which is mostly disadvantaged youth.  One of the kids from the youth group was recently kicked out of his house by his mom.  He's 16.  I don't have the full story, but apparently he got into some trouble with some other kids and then came clean about it and got them all in trouble.  I don't know if that means trouble with the cops or their parents or what.

So, he's now living at my IL's house with SIL.  He sleeps on the couch in the den.

My concern is that MIL keeps DD there for about 16-20 hours a week, and sometimes has to run errands and leaves her with SIL.  I've met this kid several times before, he has always seemed like a nice boy.  When I picked DD up from there last time, she told him bye and he said "bye, I love you!"  I don't feel like SIL would ever knowingly put DD at risk, but I don't know what kind of trouble this boy got into or anything about his history.

He seems like a really great kid that's had a rough life and not a lot of love from his mom.  I really want to be generous and accepting of him and not think the worst, but the first thing my mom said when I mentioned to her that SIL had taken in a kid from her youth group was that maybe we should reconsider letting them keep DD while he's there. 

Tell me she's just being overprotective and ridiculous, please?

MrsPteranodon

I wouldn't want my kids at a home with a teenager I did not know thats been in trouble. Just my overprotective opinion! 

Can MIL watch DD at your house till the boy goes to some other type of care system?  

Ms5586

If I'm reading this correctly, he is in the house with SIL and DD, yes?  If he is interacting with DD on a consistent basis, I would think it would be your right to know some information about him.  A simple "Since DD is sometimes with SIL and "boy", I'd like to know a little bit more about him and what influence he may have on DD" would open the conversation up.  I would also make sure that SIL and MIL know that it is never acceptable for "boy" to be alone caring for DD, as he isn't a sitter you know and approve of (as in, SIL leaves the house, not SIL goes to the bathroom).

insertclevername

I would be concerned not knowing the child's history. But if you trust your SIL and know that she would be supervising all interaction between the boy and your daughter then I would probably not make any changes.

Kitiara5512

Ms5586:

If I'm reading this correctly, he is in the house with SIL and DD, yes?  If he is interacting with DD on a consistent basis, I would think it would be your right to know some information about him.  A simple "Since DD is sometimes with SIL and "boy", I'd like to know a little bit more about him and what influence he may have on DD" would open the conversation up.  I would also make sure that SIL and MIL know that it is never acceptable for "boy" to be alone caring for DD, as he isn't a sitter you know and approve of (as in, SIL leaves the house, not SIL goes to the bathroom).

Yup. And I am a bleeding heart too, and want to give the benefit of the doubt, but I also have to make sure my child is safe.

seahorse102410

I think it is probably fine but might as well get the full story.  They at least owe that to you.

DragonflyBelle

I agree with all PPs...you need to get to the bottom of him.

[Deleted User]

NY Mama:

I would be concerned not knowing the child's history. But if you trust your SIL and know that she would be supervising all interaction between the boy and your daughter then I would probably not make any changes.

This is where I'm at too.  Also, can you spend some time with him & get to know him a little too?  Maybe even just a trip to the park or lunch on the weekend or something?

ASmallWonder

You definitely need to have more information on this kid.  It's not fair to expect you to make a decision on the situation without knowing, at a minimum, what kind of trouble he got into.  Because the reality is, with some issues, they're likely to follow him.  Drugs, dangerous friends, etc.  I think you need to have a sit down with your MIL and SIL.  It's great if this is a good kid who got into some teenage shenanigans and he's getting some help but you can't assume that, to the potential detriment of your daughter and I would hope your MIL and SIL would understand and respect that.

andyyougoonie

Ms5586:

If I'm reading this correctly, he is in the house with SIL and DD, yes?  If he is interacting with DD on a consistent basis, I would think it would be your right to know some information about him.  A simple "Since DD is sometimes with SIL and "boy", I'd like to know a little bit more about him and what influence he may have on DD" would open the conversation up.  I would also make sure that SIL and MIL know that it is never acceptable for "boy" to be alone caring for DD, as he isn't a sitter you know and approve of (as in, SIL leaves the house, not SIL goes to the bathroom).

Yes, to your first question.

This is a really good idea.  I typically let H handle stuff that involves discussions with his family, but I don't think he would know the right questions to ask.  I think I should just talk to SIL about this myself.

He seems like such a nice kid, I hate questioning him but I do know for a fact that he's been in trouble and I need to be sure what kind of influence he'll have on DD.

TAMLVSCARL

MrsPteranodon:

I wouldn't want my kids at a home with a teenager I did not know thats been in trouble. Just my overprotective opinion! 

Can MIL watch DD at your house till the boy goes to some other type of care system?  

This. I wouldn't feel comfortable with my child there.

RayRay007

I think you have a right to ask what kind of trouble he's been in, but I wouldn't necessarily be worried. People screw up. He's had a rough life. Also, it may be something as simple as shoplifting and his shitastic mom kicked him out. I assume you trust your MIL and SIL. If one of them is present, he is not going to corrupt or abuse your child. And you say he seems like a nice boy. Growing up my parents took in disadvantaged kids from time to time. They were not a bad influence on us, we were a good influence on them.

p1nklemonade

you aren't being ridiculous.  i would not want my dd there.

Libby1978

I would ask questions.  If you're concerned once you get some answers then consider alternative care for now.

insertclevername

andyyougoonie:

Ms5586:

If I'm reading this correctly, he is in the house with SIL and DD, yes?  If he is interacting with DD on a consistent basis, I would think it would be your right to know some information about him.  A simple "Since DD is sometimes with SIL and "boy", I'd like to know a little bit more about him and what influence he may have on DD" would open the conversation up.  I would also make sure that SIL and MIL know that it is never acceptable for "boy" to be alone caring for DD, as he isn't a sitter you know and approve of (as in, SIL leaves the house, not SIL goes to the bathroom).

Yes, to your first question.

This is a really good idea.  I typically let H handle stuff that involves discussions with his family, but I don't think he would know the right questions to ask.  I think I should just talk to SIL about this myself.

He seems like such a nice kid, I hate questioning him but I do know for a fact that he's been in trouble and I need to be sure what kind of influence he'll have on DD.

I reread your first post after seeing this last post.  I assumed that you had already talked to SIL about the boy.  Definitely talk to your SIL immediately about the situation.  Also make sure your MIL is on the same page as well. 

How long has the boy been interacting with your DD?  The "I love you." honestly makes me a bit squeamish and uneasy.  I would definitely make it known that you do not feel comfortable with DD having any unsupervised contact with the boy.  If you do not feel that will be respected then I would think twice about having your DD there.

Ms5586

andyyougoonie:

Ms5586:

Yes, to your first question.

This is a really good idea.  I typically let H handle stuff that involves discussions with his family, but I don't think he would know the right questions to ask.  I think I should just talk to SIL about this myself.

He seems like such a nice kid, I hate questioning him but I do know for a fact that he's been in trouble and I need to be sure what kind of influence he'll have on DD.

I agree, I know my DH wouldn't have the same kind of questions as I would.  I think my biggest question is what kind of trouble, there's a big difference between shoplifting and getting busted with drugs or something. 

andyyougoonie

NY Mama:

andyyougoonie:

Ms5586:

If I'm reading this correctly, he is in the house with SIL and DD, yes?  If he is interacting with DD on a consistent basis, I would think it would be your right to know some information about him.  A simple "Since DD is sometimes with SIL and "boy", I'd like to know a little bit more about him and what influence he may have on DD" would open the conversation up.  I would also make sure that SIL and MIL know that it is never acceptable for "boy" to be alone caring for DD, as he isn't a sitter you know and approve of (as in, SIL leaves the house, not SIL goes to the bathroom).

Yes, to your first question.

This is a really good idea.  I typically let H handle stuff that involves discussions with his family, but I don't think he would know the right questions to ask.  I think I should just talk to SIL about this myself.

He seems like such a nice kid, I hate questioning him but I do know for a fact that he's been in trouble and I need to be sure what kind of influence he'll have on DD.

I reread your first post after seeing this last post.  I assumed that you had already talked to SIL about the boy.  Definitely talk to your SIL immediately about the situation.  Also make sure your MIL is on the same page as well. 

How long has the boy been interacting with your DD?  The "I love you." honestly makes me a bit squeamish and uneasy.  I would definitely make it known that you do not feel comfortable with DD having any unsupervised contact with the boy.  If you do not feel that will be respected then I would think twice about having your DD there.

He's been around intermittently for at least 8 months.  His mom kicked him out over Christmas too so he was there for our Christmas Eve dinner this year.  He went back to live with his mom shortly after that, but SIL gives him rides and takes him shopping or to church functions and stuff a lot so he's been around their house several times since Christmas.  SIL says she's "adopted" him.  She hasn't really, but she mothers him since his mom sucks.

I have never questioned his morals or values before I found out he had gotten into trouble.  I just texted H to see if he had more info on the "trouble" and he said it was a crime, but he hasn't specifically said what kind.

The "I love you" caught me a little off guard too.  I really hate thinking the worst of people, but I'm going to have a discussion with SIL to find out more and let her know that he should not be in the house alone with DD, ever.

kcl22

Not overprotective or ridiculous.  Regardless of the kid's background you don't know him.  I wouldn't be comfortable with it.

stdldb29

I'm normally pretty relaxed about stuff like this-I would want to know just a bit more information about the kid. 

Rhenna

How old is your SIL?  I would definitely be talking to SIL and MIL about the situation.  That said (maybe I read too many news stories) something seems really odd to me about your SIL taking this boy in when she doesn't have her own home and the level of involvment that she is taking on with this 16 yo seems like a bit much.  I guess I feel like there are other people better equipped to take this kid under their wing but I don't know your SIL's background/age or anything.  I'm just saying something seems off to me.

Fianschneid

Yep, it's the "I Love You" that throws me off, too. My girlfriends don't tell DD they love her. Her DCP provider doesn't tell her she loves her.

Yes, this is just a teenager, so he might not realize telling a little girl he loves her isn't appropriate, but I would want someone supervising their interaction at all times.

andyyougoonie

Rhenna:

How old is your SIL?  I would definitely be talking to SIL and MIL about the situation.  That said (maybe I read too many news stories) something seems really odd to me about your SIL taking this boy in when she doesn't have her own home and the level of involvment that she is taking on with this 16 yo seems like a bit much.  I guess I feel like there are other people better equipped to take this kid under their wing but I don't know your SIL's background/age or anything.  I'm just saying something seems off to me.

I understand what you're saying and I know that it sounds weird, considering she still lives at home, but SIL is 36.  She has her masters degree in education and teaches "troubled" kids in a GED program.  She loves children and wants to have her own someday, but she has not found the right guy yet and it just makes more sense for her to live with my IL's.  She has a lot of student loans and medical bills to pay and this situation works best for everyone financially.

She really has a heart for troubled kids and has always done everything in her power to help them.  This kid had nowhere else to go, she wasn't just going to let him sleep on the street.  She's an awesome person.  Which is why I tend to trust her judgement, but regardless of who anyone thinks they can trust, I don't know this kid very well so I will make sure they are not home alone together.

ETA: my math sucks, she's 36 not 38