Can I get some sewiousness up in here? tl/dr

ASmallWonder

DH and I had talked about TTC #2 a few months ago and I had my Mirena out last week, which he knew about.  When I got home he sort of laughed and said "Ok, no sex!"  That prompted a serious discussion about how miserable he is in his job and how he isn't sure now is the right time for a baby.  I was a little irritated that he hadn't thought to bring it up BEFORE I had the Mirena out but I do know how shitty work has been for him.  We talked a lot and I told him I don't want to rule eveything in our house but I gently reminded him that all the big things in our life have happened more because I was motivated for them to happen.  Does that make sense?  My DH likes what he knows so he always has a little panic about something big and new like marriage, a baby, a house, etc.  He knows that about himself and readily admits that I've never steered him wrong and he loves our life

I told him that if he's really not ready, I respect that but that we'd have to use condoms, which he hates.  I told him that I wouldn't actively try to have a baby but that if he didn't want to wear condoms, I would take that as him being ok with having another baby.  He told me that he absolutely wouldn't be upset if I got pregnant (see what I'm dealing with? I don't think he actually wants to put off TTC but, as usual, actively committing to it makes him unsure).

What do I do with this now?  When we go to have sex, do I have to remind him of this conversation to feel I'm doing my part in supporting his hesitation?  Or is it on him to be aware of what the outcome may be, know we talked about it and it's his responsibility to decide how each bed rocking session is handled?

Kitiara5512

I would pick up some condoms and make sure they are sitting on his night stand or somewhere where he can grab one when he gets close.

Its what we do.

CoffeeBeen

elmoali:

What do I do with this now?  When we go to have sex, do I have to remind him of this conversation to feel I'm doing my part in supporting his hesitation?  Or is it on him to be aware of what the outcome may be, know we talked about it and it's his responsibility to decide how each bed rocking session is handled?

I don't think you should have to remind him each time - he's a big boy and he should understand that sex can lead to babies.

Maybe you should try some natural family planning.  You could chart and use OPK, then when he initiates you can say yay or nay?  It's not fool proof, but if he won't use a condom and you don't want to go on BCP, I think it's the way to go.

judahsmommy1

If you're willing to remind him about the condoms, then I imagine it would be fine to do so. But if you think it will get annoying (like I would - he doesn't want a baby, he can remember the condom!) tell him that you're leaving it completely in his court and that if he uses a condom that's fine with you, but if he doesn't then you'll just understand that it means that he's comfortable with the possibility of you getting pregnant.

If your DH is like my DH he waited until the Mirena was out for a reason. He wanted to wait until he had already jumped off the cliff to second guess the decision. 

ASmallWonder

I hear what you're all saying but what's frustrating to me is that it seems all the pressure is on me to decide how this will play out.  If he's unsure, why shouldn't HE be picking up condoms, asking where I am in my cycle and being willing to wear said condoms?  I told him no baby = condoms.  I'm not looking to trick him into doing something he doesn't want to do but I truly feel like if he doesn't take an active approach to this, he's basically telling me that he's nervous (as usual) but not so nervous that he wants to decide not to TTC. 

ASmallWonder

judahsmommy1:

If you're willing to remind him about the condoms, then I imagine it would be fine to do so. But if you think it will get annoying (like I would - he doesn't want a baby, he can remember the condom!) tell him that you're leaving it completely in his court and that if he uses a condom that's fine with you, but if he doesn't then you'll just understand that it means that he's comfortable with the possibility of you getting pregnant.

If your DH is like my DH he waited until the Mirena was out for a reason. He wanted to wait until he had already jumped off the cliff to second guess the decision. 

This is what I'm feeling.  Like, he wanted to voice that he's nervous but in a way that wouldn't necessarily change what we had talked about.  There's no going back (to the Mirena right now.  obviously there are other forms of BC) so maybe he felt safe saying "I'm nervous."  Hell, I'm nervous too.  It's a big deal to have another baby.  I think I power through nerves for the end result and he needs to be nudged all the way to the finish line

CoffeeBeen

elmoali:

I hear what you're all saying but what's frustrating to me is that it seems all the pressure is on me to decide how this will play out.  If he's unsure, why shouldn't HE be picking up condoms, asking where I am in my cycle and being willing to wear said condoms?  I told him no baby = condoms.  I'm not looking to trick him into doing something he doesn't want to do but I truly feel like if he doesn't take an active approach to this, he's basically telling me that he's nervous (as usual) but not so nervous that he wants to decide not to TTC. 

 I completely agree - he should be an active player.  Maybe you should tell him that it's ok to be nervous, but that it's not an excuse to put it all on you.

ASmallWonder

CTGirl30:

Clealry he's more the type to hesitant with the Big Decisions and you said you just do it when it comes to this stuff. So you know you have 2 different styles of approaching new and unfamiliar situations (which can understandably be very nervous-making - especially when it comes to potentially adding a 2nd child).

I'd focus on big picture stuff here - do you both want to have a second child? (Note that the question is not when) Yes? Okay. Anxities about this stuff are normal.  So is the job stuff something he can actively change in the next few months / years? Or would that be getting in the way of your family expansion that you both ultimately want? Something to think about.

There are no guarentees with anything in life, of course. I think sometimes you just need to forge ahead despite the anxieties and head toward the outcome you ultimately want.

ILY.  Nail.  Head.  And we got into this during the discussion.  Work sucks now but it's pretty much the nature of his industry and company.  I've encouraged him to look for something else if that's what he wants to do.  But, just like with the baby stuff, that's a big decision haha  I'm going to plan to have one last "Let's make sure we're speaking the same language" conversation and tell him that I'm putting the ball in his court.

andyyougoonie

This is exactly how my H is.  We dated for 4.5 years because he's so freaked out by decisions.  We talked a LOT about when the perfect time to have #1 was, then it took us a few months to conceive. 

For #2, we have talked a LOT about when the perfect time to get pregnant is again.  And he does the same thing your H does, he'll agree and then backtrack.  It's incredibly frustrating.  He also hates "timing" sex for fertility.  I get that it's not as romantic, but, ya know, it has to be done.  So we agreed months ago on when the right time to have #2 would be and I'm pretty much taking it from there.  I manage our finances anyway and I know that this is a good time and once I get pregnant he'll freak, but in a happy way.

I would take PP's suggestion with the condoms though.  Make sure he has the option, but go with your gut.  You know him best.  Do you think he's just not ready for a new baby?  If you think he'll be on board, then go with it. 

I'm sorry.  I wish they could just give a clear, concise answer.  My H can't even decide on a pair of shoes.  He'll try on every.single.pair and ask me which ones look more comfortable.  Really? lol.  Men.

dangerkitty102

I think it's on him. If he isn't ready, he can go buy some condoms or whatever. I don't think he'll do that though. I think he just had a moment of nervousness when you got the IUD out, which is typical of him as you've stated. He'll relax and I'm sure take the "whatever happens happens" approach and when you get pregnant he'll again probably be scared at first but also excited. Honestly I think this is pretty typical man behavior.

ABColeslaw

This is what your H does every single time something different (Not even life altering) comes along.  You know he wants another baby, you've been talking about it for months. 

 Let it fall on him.  He wants to use condoms, he buys them, he remembers to use them.  He is a smart man, it is not outside his brain to connect sex to pregnancy.  

 For him, it is just the nervous expectation.  I think mixed with the serious part that last time it took you 3 seconds to get pregnant when you both thought it would take longer.  Which means you could be pregnant this month sometime depending on when you ovulate.  

 My advice is stop talking about it, go about business as usual.  If he was really serious, he would have said something before you had your mirena out.  

missmuffin87

Your H sounds a lot like my SO. He can't make up his mind and is so apprehensive about new things. Hence the still not married bit. Just go to store and decide on a ring already! 

As far as the condoms go, I wouldn't go out and buy them, that should be his deal. If he doesn't want to have a baby, he will wear a condom, If he doesn't want to wear a condom,  he will end up with a baby. Keep the dialogue open though, it sounds like he at confusing place in his career.