Mom, that's not what I called you about...

mreinke8289

Ugh, I am SO frustrated at my mom right now! 

I stopped in at work today to pick up more work (been working from home) and decided to grab an Employee Manual to see what we have in there for Maternity Leave. (I work at a 3 yr old non-profit organization.)

Nothing. Nothing! It's not mentioned once!

So on my way home, I called my mom to have a little rant about it.  Mom apparently had different ideas.  She started in on how she hopes I don't have to work after I have my baby anyways (and to be honest, that's how hubby and I always pictured it).  I told her it's just not financially possible right now, that I'll have to work at least some.  And then it started...

She kind of laid into me about our finances.  'Why do you need that much money?  Your house payment is half of what we pay!' Well, we pay a TON in student loans each month (my husband has a lot of school debt). 'Well then you need to work on paying that down! It's not going to get any easier when you have kids.  Pick the smallest one and pay it down.' ... 'Dave Ramsey would probably tell you guys that [my husband] needs to sell/quit buying all of this toys.'  !!! What?!  THEN, she went into 'This isn't any way to bring a baby into this world' or something like that.  Basically saying we are being irresponsible.

There was all this 'you guys need to' and 'how come you'.  She doesn't know what's going on with our finances at all!  We have a budget outlines and husband meticulously records our spending habits each month in a color-coded excel file. 

So I asked her, 'Are you afraid we'll end up on food stamps like [my sister]?' (Her husband has been a pain about getting a job and providing for her and my niece).  She answered, 'No, I just don't want you to miss raising your child because you're always working.'  

Unfortunately, the niceness in me bit my tongue and I kind of pushed past it.  All I wanted to do was raise my voice and say, 'Mom, that's not what I called to talk to you about!'

Sorry.  I just had to get this out of my system.  I just can't believe she did that.  I am their 'good child' (2nd of 6).  My husband HAS a job.  A good paying job. Just not as good paying as we'd hoped.  It's none of her business. How rude. I'm really kind of hurt.  

 EDIT:  Also, I don't know if I want to tell husband about this.  He was already frustrated with my mom about something he told me about yesterday.  I can just see him getting really upset about it. I don't know what to do there. 

 

 

misscarter87

No i dont think you should tell him right now about it..especially if he was already frustrated before about something with her! I think she is over reacting if you feel you should work after you have the baby then that's totally fine &that's your decision! You guys arent being irresponsible at all..you are bringing a baby into the world the Right way!

brianabrad

Agreed. I wouldn't tell him.I'm sorry your mom reacted in that manner. If you two are financial responsible or not, is really non of her business!

I understand how you feel about your mom. I called my mom yesterday just to chat and it turned into a fight. I guess part of it is with my hormones I'm less likely to back down and totally play nice so when she snapped at me, I snapped right back. Sorry, but this pregnant chick isn't going to take it. 

 

zonagirlie

Just take a deep long breath and exhale. In the long run, what's important? You and your healthy baby. Everything else is minimal in that scheme. Your mom sounds like a PITA, but sadly, we can't choose our blood. Try to ignore it and think about cute little baby stuff Maybe get an ice cream cone!

ReeceFamily

Is your mom a Dave Ramsey disciple?  I have to say I used his method to pay down my debt and it was helpful.  BUT, from browsing the chat groups on his site, people seem to get way too into it and really preachy and self-righteous about how frugal they are and how amazing they are about paying down their debt.  He is pretty rigid in his "teachings" as well...kind of reminds me of a male Dr. Laura . So that may be where your mom is coming from.

I'm not sure the older generation can understand the financial world we live in...things have become much more expensive and cost of living has not kept pace. It is a different world now...my mom stayed home to raise us, but there is no way either me or my husband could quit to raise children and even begin to make a go of it (and we're pretty frugal).

Anyway, just wanted to sympathize.  I'm guessing you just have to let your mom rant and go about your life, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. 

 

kac22

I definitely know what you're going through.. My MIL is sort of the same way. I know she means the best and just wants to make sure that we're okay but what always gets to me is how she thinks she knows everything about our finances. Like your mom, always making comments like "I don't know how you can afford that" and things along those lines. And I just always want to shout at her you have no idea how much we make and our bills!! Thankfully, DH has gotten onto her about it and being too nosy. 

nycitygirl1

Ugh, sorry you have to deal with this. Mothers have this way of offering their opinion about things that aren't any of their business sometimes. Mine does it too.

I also think it sucks that she isn't applauding your work ethic and for being a RESPONSIBLE parent-to-be, especially when your sister is struggling with her finances. You would think she would be elated you are so on top of things!

Most people need double incomes to make it work. It's terrible she is making you feel guilty about going back to work. Anyway, there are pros and cons to both being a stay at home mom and a working mom.

As a working mom you are a great role model for your kids---especially so if you have a daughter and showing her that she can do both. Plus, the additional money you are earning will help provide your child with more opportunities in life (more money for educational/extracurricular activities, vacations, sports, and so on) that you and YH wouldn't have if you were living on one income. You CAN be a great mom and work -- and it's ignorant of your mom to assume that by going to work you're going to "miss your kids growing up."

dlbrous

Hugs! I know how you feel. My mom has such a habit of offering her advice and opinions when they are unsolicited, and she tends to be quite judgmental. To combat this, I have learned not to call my mom to vent, or I do so very, very rarely and I pick and choose what to vent about. I'm not suggesting you should do this, but I have learned the hard way, and it works for me. I also share a lot less with her than I would if she were less judgmental. For instance, she has no clue that DH and I have picked a daycare or that I am planning to talk to my boss about working 4 days per week instead of 5 after the baby is born.

Also, I think what a PP said about things being very different for our generation is very true. Education costs more, leading to student loans, and that's just one factor. Honestly, planning to go back to work is your decision. You will make what you feel to be a responsible decision for you and your family. I wouldn't worry about your mom's comments, but do stand up to her in a respectful way.

megamegan60

Everyone has opinions.....especially your mom!!!  lol.  Just take a breath and dont let her bother you so much.  Do what you feel is right.  If you ever start living your life the way someone else wants you to, you will never be happy.  I wouldnt tell your husband and just disregard her comments.  therre is absolutely nothing wrong with working after you have a child and it sounds like your work is mildly flexible if you can work from home every once in a while. 

mreinke8289

Thank you all very much, ladies!  I really appreciate the encouragement.  My hubby and I ended up going over there for dinner and before I left, I got a change to tell my mom I was hurt by her convo today.

Turns out, as my mom is a worry-wart, it is actually related to their finances.  She sees how much we're bringing in (which is more than them, right now) and from her position sees so much more than she has.  So...she chooses to worry about our spending habits for us.  I told her she already has enough to worry about, let us worry about our finances, it's not your job.  Seemed to help.  She apologized.

I didn't tell hubby, except when we talked about dinner, and how tight it was I mentioned that my mom was worrying about our finances for us.  So we talked about why people worry.  Seems to be a positive outcome all around.