Blended Families

Phone Calls

Need opinions from Stepmoms and even BM's to see what you think...

My husband has joint custody of his 2 children. almost 7 year old daughter and 4 year old son. They are with us 45%+ time of the month every month. When him and I were first together him and his ex both called each others phones daily depending who had the children to talk to them in the evening. After a while he started cutting back and she then followed in his footsteps and they only called when away from the kids for 2-3 or more days at a time. Now my husband only calls them if its around a special day for the kids and he won't see them or if its been a about 4 days since he has seen them. He feels its interrupting their time with their mom and I completely agree. For some reason in the past months, especially around the time we took the kids on vacation, his ex has been calling every night that we have them and she calls in the middle of the evening (while she's driving home from work) and it interrupts our time whether its bathtime, we are watching a movie with the kids, sometimes out getting ice cream and just normal things parents do with kids. Sometimes if he does not answer she will call a second time. Is it rude of him not to answer? While we were on vacation she called everynight we were gone and we had to stop what we were doing for the kids to talk. it got VERY aggrevating and even the kids didn't seem interested in wanting to talk while they were having fun on vacation obviously. I understand she wants to talk to them and misses them but wouldn't a text asking to have the kids call before bed be more appropriate instead of expecting us to drop what we are doing all the time? We don't expect it from her.

Re: Phone Calls

  • I am normally a lurker but I am a BM going through phone call issues so I thought I would respond.  I have primary physical custody.  My son's father rarely calls to speak to our 2 year between his EOW visits.  I don't mind that he doesn't call but wished he did for our son's benefit.  I do not call on the EOW visits but I do call during the week-long summer visits.  Lately my calls have been ignored and I have been told that I should not call because I am interrupting his time.  I do not agree with his logic.  But to answer your question it may not register that she is interrupting your activities she probably just wants to speak to the kids.  I would tell her that you are on vacation and because of that you may not be able to answer her calls right away.  And if she leaves a message you will return her call at the end of the day or you could give her a time that she can call.   
  • I was thinking about suggesting to my husband to email her (because of a past instance and numerous lies from BM we do alot though emails so its documented) and just tell her a quick text on the nights she'd like to speak to them and we will let them call her before they go to bed. I feel like sometimes the kids feel interrupted. Sometimes the rolling of the eyes or the tone of their voice (not so much the 4 year old...but more of the almost 7 year old) it seems like they aren't real excited about the call and maybe a set time where they aren't in the middle of something would be better for everybody's sake.
  • Loading the player...
  • oh and also our schedule is very back and forth with the kids so nobody goes for long without seeing them. Last week went like this...They were with BM the weekend of 14th and 15th and we get them the night of 15th and had them through the 17th that evening then they were with BM that evening through the evening of the 19th when we picked them up for the weekend....

    so the schedule is very back and forth (different every week because it revolves around her work schedule) but they never go for very long not not being with one parent unless because of a vacation.

  • I do actually agree with this. Asking the kids if and when they'd like to call her and if it has been a couple of days without speaking to their BM then we encourage the call to the kids and then they aren't interrupted in playtime or anything else.
  • imageillheel:
    I am normally a lurker but I am a BM going through phone call issues so I thought I would respond.  I have primary physical custody.  My son's father rarely calls to speak to our 2 year between his EOW visits.  I don't mind that he doesn't call but wished he did for our son's benefit.  I do not call on the EOW visits but I do call during the week-long summer visits.  Lately my calls have been ignored and I have been told that I should not call because I am interrupting his time.  I do not agree with his logic.  But to answer your question it may not register that she is interrupting your activities she probably just wants to speak to the kids.  I would tell her that you are on vacation and because of that you may not be able to answer her calls right away.  And if she leaves a message you will return her call at the end of the day or you could give her a time that she can call.   

    ^^ This.  If BM is forwarned that you're out running around and may not get to the phone, that should help eliminate the second call.  Have the kids call her back later after dinner or before bed so that her call is at least returned, and that way there can't be any arguments that you aren't letting her talk to the kids.

    image

    Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools



  • I think every day is a little overkill. I really like the idea of having the kids call her instead and warning her that you may not be able to get to the phone right away. But on the other hand, are any of your other calls seen as an interruption, or is it just the calls from BM getting on your nerves?
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • BM calls every.single.day. that we have SD. (even on the days that we are returning her 2 hours later) if DH doesn't answer she immediately calls me (we don't have a landline) if I don't answer after DH hasn't answered she then proceeds to text both of us (after having left voicemails on both of our phones)

    It is extremely obnoxious since BM KNOWS I will NOT answer the phone when she calls (due to her lashing out at me verbally in the past)

    It interrupts our time with SD, and half the time SD doesn't even want to talk. 

    but my case is difficult because DH doesn't have the guts to approach the subject with BM.

    In YOUR case i would have DH discuss it with BM.  either establish something where they call before bed if the kids want (at their ages they are old enough to vocalize when they want to talk to mom) or she should shoot a text "hey, missing the kids today, have them call when they get a chance" something like that.

                           
                         View Full Size Image  View Full Size Image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Just because your DH doesn't call the kids each day doesn't mean BM has to do the same. I understand it can be annoying when your time is interrupted with a phone call from the other parent, but they still have a right to talk to their kid, IMO, and according to the typical CO.

    I think the "interrupting my time" is such nonsense, and I hate when parents say that. Yes, it is annoying when BD calls when we're in the middle of something, but I typically just wait until we have five minutes free and have DS call him back. He has a right to talk to DS, and to say it inconveniences me and that I cannot find five minutes would be ridiculous. 

    I would have your DH email BM, explaining that you cannot always answer immediately when she calls, but if she leaves a VM or sends a text you will have the kids call her back.

    image
  • imageKaeldrasmommy:
    I think every day is a little overkill. I really like the idea of having the kids call her instead and warning her that you may not be able to get to the phone right away. But on the other hand, are any of your other calls seen as an interruption, or is it just the calls from BM getting on your nerves?

    Her calls of course bother us more but we don't answer the phones if we are in the middle of something unless its work or immediate family. if we are just lounging around or something obviously phone calls don't bother us.

    i think i'm going to suggest to DH, an email to her explaining that everyday can be bothersome for all involved including kids, which is why we don't do the same in return, to be considerate and if it is a longer stretch of time 2 full 24 hours or more without her seeing them we will have them call one of the nights.

    hopefully she doesn't lash out. She is the kind who wouldn't let DH get the kids a little early on Fathers Day....with no reasoning why. She just said..."No" in the email and phone call he made to ask.

  • imageholly71087:

    BM calls every.single.day. that we have SD. (even on the days that we are returning her 2 hours later) if DH doesn't answer she immediately calls me (we don't have a landline) if I don't answer after DH hasn't answered she then proceeds to text both of us (after having left voicemails on both of our phones)

    It is extremely obnoxious since BM KNOWS I will NOT answer the phone when she calls (due to her lashing out at me verbally in the past)

    It interrupts our time with SD, and half the time SD doesn't even want to talk. 

    but my case is difficult because DH doesn't have the guts to approach the subject with BM.

    In YOUR case i would have DH discuss it with BM.  either establish something where they call before bed if the kids want (at their ages they are old enough to vocalize when they want to talk to mom) or she should shoot a text "hey, missing the kids today, have them call when they get a chance" something like that.

    This would drive me nuts!!!!

    And whats with these BM's lashing out so much against us?? Why can't some people just get along with others?  : )

  • Can your DH just e-mail BM and say "Hey, I've noticed that these calls throughout the day aren't really working out.  The kids don't seem to be super cooperative or we aren't able to get to the phone.  So from now on I will plan on having them call you at 7pm, as part of their bedtime routine.  They love telling you about their day.  Let me know if there is a time that works better than 7 and we will try to work it out."

    This way BM knows she gets to talk to them, the kids will know when it's coming, and you all will be completely justified in not answering if she calls randomly.

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
  • I suggested to him yesterday evening that he send a cooperative email explaining we are not able to stop what we are doing all the time to answer a call and the kids have felt like this is disruptive even. Hopefully he takes the advice. the kids are going on vac tomorrow with their BM and she still has not told DH where she is taking them. We have no clue if its in state or across the country. she keeps saying she will email him information with the hotels phone number and still nothing has showed up. probably just playing games but he'd only care to know how many thousands of miles will be between him and his kids. no other details than a city/state. ugh....
  • imagejkacera15:

    oh and also our schedule is very back and forth with the kids so nobody goes for long without seeing them. Last week went like this...They were with BM the weekend of 14th and 15th and we get them the night of 15th and had them through the 17th that evening then they were with BM that evening through the evening of the 19th when we picked them up for the weekend....

    so the schedule is very back and forth (different every week because it revolves around her work schedule) but they never go for very long not not being with one parent unless because of a vacation.

    My custody schedule is very back and forth as well. BD and I don't really call the kids when it's not our days unless it's important or a question (ie "Where are your cleats??") Sometimes the kids ask to call him or call me if they have something exciting to tell us (like last wknd, BD took them out of town, we were waiting on approval for a house rental, so as soon as they got home, DS asked to call me and said "DID WE GET THE HOUSE???") But in general, we both know we are going to see the kids soon and our kids are old enough to pick up the phone and call if they need to... And yes, occasionally if BD or myself have kids for long periods like vacations the other will call every once in a while to chat with the kids. Nothing annoying tho and neither of us give the other a hard time if they don't answer right away... like you said, it can be interrupting and you never know what someone is doing or why they didn't answer! (no matter who you're calling!)

    But yes, I agree with PP, try either setting times, or telling her that you will always give the kids the option to call before bed if they want to...  

    Pregnancy Ticker
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"