Blended Families

new to my own blended family

i grew up in a blended family. but now i have my own blended family. so far so good..

but my husband has some MAJOR issues with my x. and for good reason. my husband LOVES my daughter, hes always loved the both of us. we met when we were 13 years old and had been friends for 10 years before we decided to start dating.

when i was pregnant with my daughter and my x and i were separated and he didnt want our daughter, my (now) husband was there for me and for my daughter. hes ALWAYS been there.

so because my husband has always been there, first as a friend, then as a boyfriend and now as my husband ... hes always been a wonderful man in both mine and my daughters life. he loves her as his own and treats her like she is his. which is wonderful to me.

now that we are having our first child together (his first biological) he is SO concerned about being a good father and questioning his ability to be able to love both of our children equally. he doesnt want our daughter to feel as if she is loved any less because she isnt "his". but at 2.5 and him having been in our lives 24/7 for the last year... i dont think she will EVER feel that separation from him as being "his" child.

as far as his concern for being a good father,  i point out how amazing he is with his stepdaughter. it calms him for a little while but then the concern for treating the kids differently comes back up. i try and explain that my philosophy on raising kids is that you have to tailor your parenting to each individual child - you can never treat ALL of your children the same way - they are individuals and have different needs and different ways they process things. this i learned from being the middle of 11 children! not one of us was treated "the same" as the others. we were all given wat was necessary for our particular needs.

as for my hubands issues with my x - he hates that i pursue a relationship between my x and our daughter. i understand his discontent with it bc my x will go LITERALLY months without even contacting my little girl. but he is her father and he is selfish. his gf is 8 years younger then him (and still a teenager) with her own 2 year old daughter. he is incapable of sharing his affection and attention. my father was the same and i dont expect much from my x. i know he gives our daughter all he is capable of and i figure there is no use in my being the bad guy that does not promote a relationship between the 2 of them. when she is older she will understand that i am not at fault for the lack of connection between her and her biological father. 

i guess after this whole monologue - my question is:

does any one have a similar situation?

how do you deal with this?

how do you console your partner and his/her concerns but maintain your stance?

is it hard for you not to agree with your partners point of view? 

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Re: new to my own blended family

  • I just wanted to commend you for the manner in which you are handling your ex-husband's relationship with your daughter.  She will thank you in the long run for trying to foster any type of connection between them. 

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  • Your husband (though he may be a really great guy) sounds very emotionally needy.  He may have been in your life this entire time but he isn't your daughter's biological father.  He may be the one to raise her and his reward will be having more of a father/daughter relationship then her real dad but he needs to lose his ego when it comes to her seeing her real dad.  She can have a relationship with both of them and he needs to come to terms with that. 

    And the need for constant reassurance from you about his parenting or how he will handle loving two children...I get that it's a normal concern for parents having a second child but honestly he is going a bit over the top, you can't sit there constantly telling him he's doing a good job or will be doing a good job as a parent.  It's purely him fishing for an ego boost IMO.  I think you should stop feeding into his needy behavior and let him figure it out on his own.

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  • Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. Just the fact that he's so concerned about loving your DD as much as he loves the little one you two have on the way says a lot about his character. Are there other families you know where the dad has a good relationship with his stepdaughter? If so, it may take some of the pressure off you to be the only one reassuring him if he could have an opportunity to talk to someone who's been in his shoes. Or, maybe he could talk to a counselor about his concerns - not only for his relationship with your DD, but also for the relationship your daughter will have with your ex. In the time I've worked with Focus, I've seen a lot of families helped by calling their free counseling line. The number is 855-771-4357 if you're interested. I'd also suggested checking out the book The Smart Stepdad ( by Ron Deal. It's specifically for men who are in your husband's shoes, and there's a section in there that talks about relating to your child's biological dad. Hugs to you, friend. I know it's frustrating right now, but keep talking it out with each other.

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