I accidently became one of those insensitive people. (not adoption related, IF & pregnancy loss

ellekae

I know this isn't the right board for this, but you guys "know" me a little bit... so I figure, you can tell me how badly I have screwed up without yelling at me.

The back story -- My sister and brother-in-law have been TTC for a while now. Their DS is 2, and they made it to 26 weeks with their DD before she was stillborn (last September). They've been TTC again for about 6 months.

So here's what happened -- We were on vacation last week with my whole family, and I have been desperate to know how things are going with TTC. Obviously, it's totally none of my business, and I should have just been patient to wait for her to say something. But I didn't.

I just blurted out to her right in the middle of mini golf, "So, hey, are you guys still in baby-making mode?" She looked at me, surprised, and said, "No. Well, yes. Sort of. I guess so. Nothing is happening, but yeah I guess we are."

Did I stop there? No. Of course not. I followed up with, "Are you going to see a doctor to see if anything is wrong?" Once again, I have no idea why I said anything. Blast! Why didn't I shut up?!?

She looked all uncomfortable (which is unusual for her, because we usually can say anything around each other), and she said, "No, not until it's been a year."

I nodded and said, "Okay, we we are praying for you guys." And then we went back to mini golfing.

So, how bad was that really? Do I need to apologize? I don't want to bring it up again if that will just make it worse. I feel like such a tool.

Blsd4given

I don't know you... but I'm still struggling with IF... So, thought I'd add my two cents.

IMO, I don't think it was that bad... It wasn't good... But it wasn't "end of the world" bad. 

When my BFF and mom ask me those questions (and they do more often than I'd prefer), it makes me uncomfortable for awhile... and then we move on.  It's not usually something that takes me down emotionally.  It makes me feel pressured more than anything else. 

If you really feel bad about it, you could just tell her that you're sorry you made her uncomfortable... and that you're just excited for her and her H.

In reality, it happened last week... She may not even be thinking about what you said anymore.

baze2

I agree..I think you should just apologize for your lack of decorum last week and let her know that you are just so excited for her and her DH..and praying for them..etc..

I dont think it was that bad..especially since you are close. Learn from this and let her bring it up next time, is my only advice..

(BTW, struggled with TTC for 3 years with every rare type of failure imaginable)..

Foster1Mom

I do not think it is that bad but if it is on your mind I would say something. I would honestly just say I am sorry if I was out of line or hurt your feelings. We all say stupid stuff. It happens.

DaisyZH

Foster1Mom:

I do not think it is that bad but if it is on your mind I would say something. I would honestly just say I am sorry if I was out of line or hurt your feelings. We all say stupid stuff. It happens.

I agree with this.  It wasn't great, but you weren't trying to be mean and it really wasn't that bad.  To be honest sometimes it's better than just having people never mention anything at all to you, so she may even appreciate that you were thinking of her.  It's okay, I've definately put my foot into my mouth way worse than that, we have all been there.

jwpbride

Hav=Fath:

I know that if it was me I wouldn't think about what you said at all, but I'm not an emotional person at all. 

^ this exactly!  

ellekae

Thanks, everyone! I emailed her, and she said she felt bad that she answered so awkwardly and was glad that I was still hoping and praying with them. Phew!