Let's discuss "grabbing"
I've read a bunch of articles on spanking, lately, and many of them include grabbing as something that negatively affects a child.
I feel like I have no choice but to grab DS. He runs away when we're out and thinks it's hilarious, and I have to grab his hand or his arm when he starts to take off. If it happens a bunch during one outing, I will make him go in the stroller or shopping cart (assuming I have it),but I prefer to let him walk, and he prefers to walk. He has TONS of energy and he needs the exercise. He will sometimes hold my hand, but after awhile his arm gets tired of being up like that and then he doesn't want to anymore. I've tried attaching one of those wrist strap things to my pants or the stroller and having him hold that, but he prefers not to. We've tried a safety harness, but he thinks its really funny to run away while tethered because he likes the feeling of the resistance. If I notice him starting to bolt, I tell him to stop and if he doesn't I grab his arm or hand.
ETA: I will also explain that he is expected to stay near me and will offer incentives if he behaves. It often works, but not always. He just gets too distracted by everything he is seeing and wants to go over and touch everything.
I also grab him when I need to change his diaper and he won't listen. He will often just run off in the opposite direction because he thinks it's hilarious and nothing I do will convince him to lay down and get his diaper changed when he's in that kind of mood. So I make him. And sometimes I literally have to hold him down because he kicks and flails and rolls all over the place and generally acts like a maniac.
Thoughts? Questions? Comments?
Re: Let's discuss "grabbing"
That seems crazy that if you grab a child to prevent them from running away you're doing harm like you would by spanking them. The two are incomparable.
I'd be interested to see the research that suggest this. Care to share some links?
I agree with PPs. You're not grabbing him as a punishment. You're gabbing him to protect him from the environment and also to protect the environment from him! You don't want him pulling everything off the shelves.
What kind of discipline do you use? I would definitely say if he thinks it's funny to run away, you need to do something ASAP about that. Maybe tell him he HAS to have his hand on the stroller/cart, it's not negotiable and if he doesn't you are leaving?
I give him a couple of warnings (depending on where we are) and then he goes in the cart or the stroller. If I don't have a cart or a stroller, then I use an incentive and if he doesn't behave he doesn't get whatever it is.
Sometimes he is great when we're out and does well with few reminders, but it's the other times that I'm talking about. If we are somewhere dangerous (like walking down the sidewalk beside a road, or in a parking lot) then I don't give him a choice on holding my hand, but otherwise I just remind him to stay close.
Sorry, I forgot to answer you. I don't remember where I read them, but I'll take a look and see if I can find it. The stuff I've read hasn't been actual research, but articles that are citing research.
Running away is pretty common in boys of this age, especially high-energy children. Grabbing your child to protect them from doing themselves harm, whether around traffic or in a public place where they could get hurt or lost if they get away from you is NOT a bad thing - it's required for safety! Yes, you need to reinforce good behavior, but anyone who hasn't had a 3 year old yet does not understand that there are just some things you must do to keep your child safe!
My three year old did this for about a year, but now, at 3 and a half, she is old enough to understand if she runs away from Mom, there will be consequences. I think it differs with each child - before a certain age, they just don't KNOW that what they are doing is dangerous and that there will be consequences.
I agree with this, especially the bolded part. DS1 is slowly getting better about staying next to me, though I do still have to grab his hand/arm from time to time. I recently put a Thomas sticker (DS1 loves Thomas) on part of the handlebar of DS2's stroller, and tell DS1 that he has to hold onto the stroller where Thomas is. For some reason, this works.
I can see taking a child and shaking them, like my mom did on occasion (and I vividly remember), but just grabbing them? Whatever.
Adam will do something and then go to run, thinking its funny and so I'll sometimes grab him when I'm feeling irritated or even just when I don't have time to play the "come back, we need to talk about why you need to not throw your socks when I ask you get put them on" game. Sometimes I just want the socks on.
We try to be good parents, but no childhood has parents who never get mad, yell or grab a running away child. Please.
I have done my fair share of grabbing as well. Both in the context of running away when out and also to change a diaper.
I will say that there have been a few times when I was super frustrated/angry and the grabbing felt different and I felt bad afterwards. Same context, but my emotions were heightened so when I did the same grabbing I normally do there was negative emotion in it and I could totally feel a difference. I'm guessing that they're talking about that second kind. Though it's hard to describe a difference in an article.
That's what I was thinking. Otherwise, what is a parent supposed to do? Let the kid run into a bus? I guess that would be a natural consequence
I will grab my kid if there is a threat of danger, but I think the arm yanking, twisting, angry grabbing is completely different. Physical punishment like a spank on the butt or a yank on the arm is different than grabbing the child to prevent harm.