Do we have to talk to BM? (LONG)

wwnbw

BM pulls some stunt every.single.year. before our summer visitation. She doesn't agree with the time DH gets and doesn't want SS to come. We've been to court 3 or 4 times in 4 years and have had to deal with CPS twice now. Last summer when we went to court we didn't even make it past the 5 second hearing where they said my H had to fill out some forms. When the lawyer sent us over what she wanted my H disagreed and then a few months later we got a letter in the mail saying he dropped BM. In May she handed DH some papers she typed up with what she wanted. DH said no he would not be changing anything. So a week before our summer starts CPS shows up at my door. They tell me what it's about and that SS doesn't want to come to dad's. My jaw hits the floor because I know it's BS right off the bat but I don't say that. They interview the kids here and then go to SS's and interview him. Nope nothing going on. I have no idea how BM is able to make this stuff up and get away with it. This is twice now! The CW told DH that she wants BM to go to therpy because she can't let go. She was even bringing up that H cheated on her with me. That is not what happend but that was in 2007 and it's 2012! If you are worried about your son then worry about your son not how you broke up!!!!!! CW also told BM that a lawyer would be a waste because visitation isn't going to be changed at this point. I can only pray that she listens to her old lawyer and the CW and stops pulling this crap for the next 14 years.

Anyway BM txt DH last night saying she wanted to sit down with all 4 of us and talk about SS. DH said that would be fine but he wanted a 3rd party there and that he would only speak about SS and not the past. She said that was fine but they needed to learn to co parent. They have no relationship. They txt every now and then but not often at all. All drop offs/pick ups are done at daycare. I can count the times on my hand that DH and BM have seen each other since the split. After her CPS stunt and court in 2009 (?) she wanted to sit and talk but DH said no because the Judge said they didn't need co parenting classes and DH felt the only reason she wanted to talk was because she "lost". Just thinking about the things her and her lawyer said in court makes me sick to my stomach years later. DH doesn't trust her for a second. She will twist every thing and make up things. So we are going to sit down with her this one time (not sure when that will be) because the CW is going to be there. But since we don't trust her we don't want anything to do with her. Do you think it's fine to say we don't want communication in the future unless it's done via email or txt? That is the way it has been and that is what has been working. Maybe not "working" because she still pulls this crap but every time she does we come out the same because we have nothing to hide and are doing nothing wrong. She made it this way and DH doesn't want to change it. If she is going to be BSC and make up lies we don't have to speak to her right?

Just FYI I might DD this after I get some opinions. Not because it says anything bad but I would just feel better.

Annplus1

Does all 4 of you include your SS? I am getting the idea that he's only four (14 years left) and he shouldn't be there. I am not sure what you are meeting to talk about in the first place- glad the CW is going to be there.

My XH and I only communicate by email. When we do drop-off, its either at daycare and only one of us is there, or at the half way point between our houses, and we are very civil, but beyond her schedule we don't communicate. (DD is too young to tell us herself) Email is great. I would only use text as a way for last minute communication (late for drop off) or emergency (going to urgent care for X).

Email has made our co-parenting relationship substancially better. I would insist on it, it really cuts down on the fighting, the threats and the unability to hold the other one accountable. (sorry for spelling errors, going fast)

wwnbw

All 4 meaning BM, SD, DH, and myself. I have no idea why we are going to meet either. I think DH is doing it so maybe just maybe she can say what she needs to say and then we can move on. And I guess so he doesn't look like the bad guy for saying no? He really wants her to just leave us alone and stop with all the crazy.

I do find it odd that on the 3rd we were talking about daycare costs and it didn't go her way and then on the 6th a week (or about) before we get him for summer CPS gets called in. It's obvious what she is doing.

FutureMrsWittig

You don't have to talk to her.  Maybe look at this meeting as a chance to set up some clear communication guidelines.  You and your DH should decide beforehand how you will want to communicate (via e-mail, and a lot of folks here use shared Google calendars for appointments, etc...).

When you go to this meeting go in with the mentality that you are there to support your DH.  Let him do of the talking.  If you were to do this type of thing in court-ordered mediation you probably wouldn't even be allowed in.  And it sounds like BM might be looking to start some drama.  Don't involve yourself.  You don't need that stress.

I think having a 3rd party there is a good idea.  Good luck!

cmiller0623

FutureMrsWittig:

When you go to this meeting go in with the mentality that you are there to support your DH.  Let him do of the talking.  If you were to do this type of thing in court-ordered mediation you probably wouldn't even be allowed in.  And it sounds like BM might be looking to start some drama.  Don't involve yourself.  You don't need that stress.

I think having a 3rd party there is a good idea.  Good luck!

thats probably the best advice IMO. and the 3rd party is perfect that way later on its not "well he said A, B, C".  Good luck and I hope everything works out well for everyone.

angelamaster1986

If its not broken why fix it right?? Unfortunately your visitations aren't going as they are supposed to be going so perhaps it is broken.. Any way you look at it, it seems that BM has some issues she needs to address regarding DH about their relationship ending. However, these issues dont need to be addressed with DH but rather a therapist.. (it seems)

I am a person that is pro-communication. If I could sit down with BM to be sure the 3 of us are on the same page, I would jump on it. I just dont understand what is completely going to be gained by the meeting you have planned. No matter what, it is a very good idea to have the mediator there. Hopefully it goes well and eliminates the visitation issues you are having. 

 In our scenario, we have to text and call BM. If we didnt do it to play nice, it wouldnt be as (almost)smooth as it is. Well, let me correct that... DH HAS to text and call BM.

 Good luck with this. Its hard when youre dealing with someone you cant trust, always trying to pull the rug out from under you. I know how you feel.

SueBear

You can't co-parent because of HER actions!   I don't think anyone interested in co-parenting would make baseless claims to CPS.  Does she understand this?  Will the CW bring it up?  As long as the CW there I think by showing up you / H are demonstrating effort, but.......

I would definately refuse (or have H refuse) to any communication other than text or email, and I think daycare is a great place in your circumstance for dropoff / pickup.  I think it needs to be clear that she needs to earn DH's trust. I would not trust her and that the ball is in HER court to DEMONSTRATE change - not just talk about it or request it. 

My only concern would be once your SS starts school, there will need to be more interaction because there will be more records, homework, events, etc.  Maybe that is what this is what she is thinking?

I would also worry that her homelife with SD is not that great.  If it were, why is she still so bothered by the past, and why does she want more interaction with your H?  It sounds like the BMs who come running to BF (even if he is in a new relationship) when their relationships sour and they need a man in their lives.