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Blended Families
ShawnJuliet
member
Some people just don't get it.
ShawnJuliet
member
I have read several posts about blended families. I, too, have a blended family. I know it's highly unlikely for everything to go smoothly, but there are some of us out there where next to nothing goes smoothly and it's not our faults!
I am irritated by those who say, "you need to be the bigger person" or "you're just not trying hard enough". That's bull! Everything isn't peaches and cream for all of us out there! Just because you may have a decent, or even tolerable, relationship with your ex doesn't mean everyone else does!
Seriously, no matter what I do, my ex and his girlfriend do their best to use it against me and try to manipulate the system. I mean, legally, everything has gone in my favor lately, but that's not what I'm talking about.
Things were strained before my ex met this girlfriend. He has had other girlfriends in the past who I did get along with just fine. No problems. But this one is definitely another story. She is manipulative and controlling. It is to the point where they say (and I know differently from my son) that the only phone they have is HER cellphone. It has been court ordered:
"Father shall provide Mother with a cell number or residence phone number other than that of his girlfriend and shall communicate directly with Mother without girlfriend being an intermediary."
-and-
"Upon recommendation of Mother and in recognition of the Guardian Ad Litem's recommendation, the parties shall avail themselves of a communications therapist in order to aid them in their ability to communicate directly with one another for the benefit of and with respect to matters relating to their two children."
This was court ordered nearly 6 months ago and still hasn't happened, despite my best efforts to initiate therapy and to communicate directly with father. Girlfriend will not allow father to speak to me. She tried recently to have all communication go between her and the babysitter (neither one of them are the parents!) via text message. The babysitter mistakenly believed that I had been contacted and that the text message she got regarding the picking up of the children was the result of a conversation I had with father. I knew nothing of what was going on and my best guess is that father didn't either.
Girlfriend has been picking up the children earlier and earlier every week from said babysitter. I do not want to put babysitter in the middle, so I do not ask her to enforce the custody arrangement. I have full custody of the children and father gets visitation every other weekend beginning at 6PM on Fridays (unless there are weekend sports that weekend and it gets crazier from there but all situations are spelled out in the custody papers).
Girlfriend was picking up between 5:30 and 6 from babysitter on alternating Fridays. I do not have a problem with this as I work until 6 anyway. Four weeks ago, she showed up at 4:30. Two weeks ago she showed up at 2. This week, she intends to show up at 1. I mean, I really don't mind since I am at work anyway, but my kids don't want to go. They really don't need a baby sitter given their ages, anyway, but when they don't have one, father's girlfriend calls the cops and children's services saying my kids are home unsupervised and might be in danger. Most recently, the police called my ex back and told him to quit using the police to harass his ex wife.
We were supposed to go back to court regarding these and other legal matters a few months ago, but now, my attorney can't get "good delivery" of the paperwork to my ex. His girlfriend (whom he lives with) claims he doesn't live there. Since apparently none of the bills are in his name, he can't be proven to live there. So, the court date got pushed back twice so far.
I guess my statement is, for those of you who automatically think some of us are being immature or not trying, you just don't know the situation or you've luckily never been there. I hope for your sake you never have to put up with this crap! For those of you who have similar stories, what do you do?
Jules
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Some people just don't get it.
If the papers have come back twice, I would see if you can have it posted in the local newspaper. We had an issue getting BM served with papers, and if the papers had come back from the sheriff's department we would have only been able to pursue the CO adjustment by posting notification in the newspaper.
Maybe ask your lawyer if this is a route that is at all possible?
For us I know to have this done we had to be able to say we had exhausted all routes to obtain her address. And, if we had a possible address that the papers would have to be returned with the sheriff's statement that (s)he was unable to serve BM with papers.
Good Luck!
What's a CO?
The children are 12 and 15.
Ugh this does sound horrible. I am on both sides of the fence honestly. I have a life time restraining order against my XH for domestic violence, so ZERO communication other than between lawyers there. I have a tolerable, respectful - but not warm and friendly relationship w/ my step kid's BM.
Sometimes you try to be reasonable and it doesn't work. If you made an effort it's all you can do.
The only suggestion I have is get your 15 year old into a local babysitting class/CPR training. Our childrens hospital offers then regularly. They get a babysitting and CPR certificate so your ex can call anyone he wants but the 15 year old will be trained to babysit the 12 year old.
Be the bigger person does apply here. Your ex and his gf have shown they are controlling and not looking out for the kids best interest. Being the bigger person means not getting sucked into there actions and still keeping you kids best interest first. This can be difficult when they are trying to control your household all the time. That is why it is said a lot here.
I don't think anyone here "automatically' thinks that a poster just isn't trying hard enough. Most of the regulars who post here have been through some really hard times at one point or another. Or are going through them currently.
It sounds like you've tried to hold him accountable for not following your CO. Does your attorney not have any suggestions here? I had my XH served at work. Is that an option for you? Or somewhere else?
My XH lives across the country, and I don't let him take DS out there unless I have an address for him.
File contempt. File it every single time she shows up early to get them. File it because he won't provide you a phone number or address. Ask the baby-sitter to document when your kids are being picked up. And I think getting them CPR/First Aid certified and leaving them on their own is perfectly acceptable if you feel they are mature enough. Document every time they call the police without cause.
And I think putting the info in the local papers is a great idea. Then you can say you have exhausted all options and you can proceed to court without his having been served. He'll lose. And he should.
I sincerely hope things get better for you and your kids. Just remember, you can't fix stupid. But you don't have to tolerate it either.
Firstly, I know you are frustrated with your situation but don't assume we are all going to jump on you and tell you to suck it up. I don't think anyone on this board rushes into a post without thinking about all aspects and yeah a lot of times people are told there isn't anything they can do, it isn't always the case though so give people on here a chance.
I would not be putting up with how your ex and his gf are behaving. Personally I would be contacting my attorney and see if I could keep the kids from visitations because him and his gf have just perfectly set it up for you that he A.) has no telephone and B.) doesn't live where you believed him to be living. If you don't know where he lives then I see no reason you have to send the kids. Not only that but the gf is picking them up? Not him? No way! You are under no obligation to send your children with her when she isn't related to your ex, they aren't married, she says she doesn't know where he lives and he has no phone number. How are you to know they are going to their father when she takes them? And who is she to be taking your children? You don't speak to the father and he doesn't pick up the kids. I know this is far fetched but hypothetically, how do you even know he is alive? I would put an end to this right away.
I read your reply on the "Pure Vent" post what you posted regarding your oldest child being arrested for molestation and how he's still on probation. You said the GF accused him, but what did your EX have to say about all that? I think most of the PPs who have responded about it being ridiculous for a 15 yo to have a babysitter must not have read that response of yours.
I have been through a ton with my EX including a protective order (due to harrasment, stalking and death threats), CPS visits, visits from the police in the middle of the night because of my Ex trying to attempt to gain custody. I understand things can be difficult. I was always the bigger person and I think it paid off. Eventually my Ex stopped his antics and now we have an amicable relationship. So I will continue to give the advice of TRYING to be the bigger person. You can only control yourself, the rest is up to them.
This, all of this. She has no right to pick up your kids, she is not their parent. Period.
Thank you so much! This is EXACTLY my point!
I agree. And as far as what my ex said on the other post (which I deleted today because it was too much personal information), he agreed with girlfriend. He stood by her the entire time even AFTER my son passed the polygraph! Come on now, how does a 14 year old (at the time) fool a polygraph test? He can't! And his father still says he did what he didn't do!
We live 76 miles apart from each other and I'm sure that although it could work for the summer, he wouldn't be able to see them much at all through the school year if we did it on his days off. Additionally, it's an awful lot of car time for the kids, which isn't fair. Imagine being in the car for 3 hours (each way is 1 1/2 hours) every day their dad is off. Plus the gas, etc. It just doesn't seem feasible, especially when they already don't want to go and resent their dad for making them go in the first place.