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Pre-School and Daycare
KathrynMD
member
ugh - I think my "let DD make choices" policy is starting to backfire
KathrynMD
member
Except for safety-related issues, I've always tried let DD make acceptqable choices - "do you want to go to bed in 3 minutes or 4 minutes," "do you want carrots or oranges w/ dinner" etc., etc. and pick her own clothes for school from limited offerings (selected by me) - occassionally even a dress she'd already worn and got out of the laundry. She's a bright, friendly, loving, etc. Except. .. the back talk is starting and I'm starting to wonder if by giving her so many choices, I've created a spoiled monster.
So - for instance - with bedtime - its always been a "do you want to go in 3 minutes or 4 minutes?" then DD will respond with - "how 'bout 5 minutes" and I'll agree, but then she gets distracted w/ 800 things (that's not the book I want, why are the books over here?, this isn't the right color pull-up, where's Daddy, can Daddy get me milk, Mama - why does kitty make that noise, I haven't seen my horse in 3 days, is it in the basement?) and then 15 minutes later, she's finally putting on her nightgown.
I'm getting concerned that by giving so many choices, she's not seeing me & DH as authority figures. How do I get some of the control back w/o confusing her?
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Re: ugh - I think my "let DD make choices" policy is starting to backfire
not that i should talk, I do the same thing and am having simliar issues. DD takes complete advantage of me. I do think giving a child choices is good, but according to the research I've done (google!) you have to restrict them to the options at hand.
So it's fine to say, do you want to go to bed in 3 minutes or 4 minutes, but if she says 5 minutes , you have to say no - 5 minutes is not an option, it's either now, 3 minutes, or 4 minutes. I think we see it as compromising, I mean if she wants to stay up 5 minutes instead of screaming for the next 20 I'm ok with that, but they see it as I win, I got what I wanted and mommy didn't.
Ditto PP... The problem isn't the choices, it's that you're letting her pick something not offered. The reason you give choices is to let them feel some autonomy while you keep control. When she says "how about 5 min?" and you say okay, you're giving her the control. So she's expecting it all the time.
Choices are good- just make sure she knows that she has to stick to the limits you set.
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That happens very rarely. .. but when it does, I'll tell her I'm going to pick X if she doesn't make a choice (and then I'll count to 3 or leave for a minute or two and tell she needs to make a decison by the time I come back or I'll make it).
I would have to agree with you KathrynMD. Too many choices can lessen your authority.
The only choices I give DS are the following; "Which two-three snacks do you want, which DVD do you want to watch, which toy do you want to take to summer camp on toy day, which bedtime story do you want, or which of these two succers (lolli pops) do you want?" All other decisions are made by me or DH.
This is quality procrastination. What we do for this is set a timer. He can do what he wants during that time, but if teeth, pjs, and potty aren't done by the time the timer goes off, there is not time for stories.
Vary the choices with your own decisions. If you are letting her choose 70% of her day (for instance) --rachet this down a little with a more realistic expectation of how much she is going to be able to choose for herself in school---or her daily affairs as she ages.
If you do let her choose, make her hold fast to her decision. You said X and you didn't honor X---so no books tonight? (for example).
I am like you - I give DS choices about EVERYTHING that doesn't really matter to me. I SAH and have time for him to sit and think about what he wants to wear, what he wants for breakfast, etc. Plus it keeps him happy, and that keeps me happy. DH, on the other hand, just simply tells DS how it's going to be. DS goes along with DH just fine usually without having a choice. Sometimes DS will get upset if DH doesn't let him choose something, but he gets over it.
I have always felt that it's important for DS to feel that he has some control over his life. He does respond well when I need him to do or not do something he doesn't agree with because I don't have to tell him what to do or say no to him very often.
I am coming to a crossroad like you are though. DS sometimes just cannot or will not make a choice or plays these games of "this one" then a few seconds later "no, that one," and that drives me crazy. I think I will continue to give him choices but just get more firm about sticking with his first choice and giving him a countdown when he will not make a choice before I will choose for him.
I definitely agree that you have to present a limited number of options and not agree to anything other than what you have offered.
thanks for all your thoughts and commiseration.
I think I am going to start using an hourglass timer - especially for bedtime and see if I can get things back under control. I hate having a power struggle at bedtime b/c I think most of the "issues" relate to being tired, but that's all the more reason to just hurry things up.
Stalling bedtime...normal. We give DS a lot of choices and we are comfortable doing this.
Just my 2 cents that seem to echo what others have said.
1) make sure dc is choosing from the choices you offered, anything else negates the idea of making a choice and makes it so that they are just doing whatever they want
2) teaching a kid to be able to choose is a great thing (I have a friend who can't make choices about ANYTHING and it totally messes w/ her ability to function as an adult!) but giving kids choices about EVERYTHING seems to teach the idea that there are choices to be made about everything and doesn't introduce the concept that some things are just the way they are b/c somebody said so. And let's face it that holds true pretty often in the "real world" Someday soon our dc's are going to be in school (if they aren't already) and their aren't going to be choices, it's just going to be a teacher saying this is what you need to do.
As for what you can do about all this now, just start fresh tomorrow, re-evaluate where you are comfortable and go from there being sure to stick to it! None of us are perfect, I go to bed everynight hoping to be a but calmer, more patient, more in the moment, (fill in the blank w/ your parenting weakness), the next day. That's all any of us can do. Throwing in the towel and saying "oh well my kid is spoiled, too late to do anything" is pretty much the only thing I'd say you shouldn't do, lol
I don't let Jake make choices in regard to time. He can't read time anyways and no one ever "wins" because even if I say 3 minutes, by the time we really wrap things up, it's always more like 5 or 6 minutes.
For bed, we normally put on pajamas, then he gets to choose two books to read, then we go to bed. The choices he has are which pajamas he's going to wear and which books he's going to read.
If your struggles are mainly around bedtime, I would start a routine based on actions instead of time.