Infertility Veterans

Adoption vs. sisterly egg donation

I wondered if anyone's been in a similar situation and/or if you could share your thoughts?  After three losses (and then losing the limited IF insurance coverage I had), I'm feeling done with my OE, which my RE thinks are most likely the problem. We were ready to move on to adoption when my wonderful younger sister offered to donate eggs.  At first I thought it would be too expensive for us, but there's a clinic nearby that is quite reasonable (<$6K for IVF, and I still have 3000 iu of meds from the Compassionate Care program). 

We've talked and talked about the pros and cons, and it boils down to adoption being a pretty sure, but expensive, thing (the agencies we're looking at are $13-17K), and egg donation being less expensive but not as sure.  My sis is 35 and has had four pregnancies (one ended in miscarriage) and no trouble getting pregnant.  Of course there's a lot of emotion attached to each choice.  Our income is not high, it will take us 6-9 months to save enough for egg donation, twice as long for adoption, or we could probably get a loan.  We could afford to give the donation route one shot.

I was hoping you could help me think it through -- what you would do, what questions you'd ask, etc.

TIA

My feet and Miss Heidi the rescue mutt!

image

15 treatment cycles: four early m/c
Moving forward with domestic infant adoption!

Home study approved 5/13, now just waiting...

Re: Adoption vs. sisterly egg donation

  • I'm not in your situation but with her being 35 does that pose any challenges for your RE letting you cycle with her eggs?  The whole AMA thing, ya know, even if she's got good AMH & such.

    GL! 

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  • mm29mm29 member

    My sister offered to donate her eggs to me.  I looked into the cost, testing that she would have to go through, we looked at the time she would be able to cycle etc, then later she backed out.  My heart was broken to say the least.  I was so upset with her, my parents were so upset with her.  It definitely compromised our relationship.  I felt so guilty for the turmoil it caused in my family.  

    If there is any doubt in your mind that your sister will back out, I would not entertain the idea.  If she and her DH have discussed her donating her eggs in length and all parties has discussed the pros and cons in length, I would definitely consider using donated eggs from my sister.  The ultimate reason my sister backed out is bc her DH did not agree with her donating and it was causing many arguments for them.  

    I wish you GL making your decision! 

    ::: Married June 2003:::
    TTC #1 since: Aug. 2008
    Me: 34, DOR, MTHFR-A1298C (heterozygous), decreased blood flow to uterus, Mild Endo
    DH: 38, Balanced translocation 5&10, unexplained MFI, normal SA and SCSA
    Tx History: IUI 1&2= BFN
    IVF# 1 W/ICSI= BFN
    IVF# 2: cancelled d/t no response
    IVF# 3= 1 egg retrieved=immature/not viable
    IVF# 4= c/p
    ***CCRM ODWU***
    Found DHs BT and Me-decreased blood flow to uterus
    Recommended DE IVF w/PGD, incorporate electro-acupuncture. Decided to cycle locally
    ***New RE***
    DE IVF# 1(cycle #6) w/pgd, (freeze all): 30R, 23M, 15F, slow/poor embryo development, 4 biopsied, 1 Normal "Norm"; DE IVF w/PGD, incorporate electro-acupuncture. 
    IVF# 6: (OE/DS) cancelled
    IVF# 7: (OE/DS) 1R, 1M, 1F, arrested day 5
    Plan-DE IVF# 2 (cycle #8): DE/DS in May 2015


    http://icanhazbabyz.blogspot.com/
    imageimage image 
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  • Just to let you know, 35 is going to be the cut off at most clinics for donation. I am pretty sure they will require her to do a psych eval, but don't quote me on that. You will def have to pay for all of her donor screening. It is not as simple as her just going through IVF. I just wanted to point out the other "hidden" costs. They will require you to do a legal agreement too which is another cost.

    ETA- We took out a loan for DE. 

    Pregnancy Ticker
  • Both my sisters are younger and I think one could handle the process, but I'm not so sure about the other.  Having been through it on my own, I would have to thank them whole heartedly but politely decline and move to adoption (something we are closer to considering as well).

    If you live in the states... there is like a $10,000 adoption credit to help compensate.  So you might be able to take out a loan and then pay it back once you get your refund.

    TTC #1 Since 4/2010, Cycle 30
    Positive for HLA-B27, I'm a mutant :p
    Testing - Me ok, gluten issue? DH - borderline count, low motility
    4/28/11 IUI#1 = BFP!(5/25), EDD 2/2/12 - m/c 5w3d
    7/3, 7/31, 9/25 - IUI#2-4=BFN
    IVF#1 - 1 blast = BFP!! (12/30), EDD 9/9/12, confirmed c/p 4w2d
    FET#1 3/2/12 - 2 blasts =BFP!! EDD 11/18/12, us#1 = twins! Confirmed m/c 5w6d
    4/20-surprise BFP and another c/p 4w2d
    FET#2 7/16/12 - 2 blasts = BFN
    FET#3 8/20/12 - 1 blast - BFP!! Beta #1-2=177, 354
    1st u/s 5w6d, one beautiful little HB :), 2nd u/s 146bpm
    baby girl born 5/10/13

    TTC#2 since 12/17/2014, Cycle 8
    Repeat Testing...FSH=12, AMH=3.8, AFC=28. 
    IUI#5 5/10/15- c/p?
    IVF#2 8/19/15 - cancelled due to cysts
    IVF#2 take two 10/2015 - 5 blasts frozen
    FET#4 12/11/2015 - BFN - 4 blasts remaining
    FET#5 2/18/16 - BFP!!!  Beta1-3, 126, 250, 745!!

    Image and video hosting by TinyPicLilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    Tons of love and ((hugs)) to my IF sister NMscubagirl


  • My twins are the result of DE from my sister.  Similar to your story, I had 7 losses and ultimately my RE determined that I would likely never have a successful pregnancy with my own eggs.  My sister had been generously offering her eggs (when I was ready to pursue it) since about my 4th loss.  It was an incredible gift and one that I will never be able to repay her for.

    My sister was 29 at the time she underwent the cycle.  I believe my clinic would allow a known donor up until about the age of 35.  Like some of the pps mentioned, there is donor testing that must be done which is generally above and beyond the cost of the IVF cycle itself.  The obvious concern is that you pay to have your sister screened and something comes back eliminating her as a possibility.  Unfortunately, you would be out the fee you paid to screen your sister.  However, we discussed this with our RE and she stated that unless something came back showing that my sister clearly cannot donate, she would leave it up to us to decide to continue (for example, if my sister's testing showed she had DOR, it would be our decision whether or not to continue)

    I think it is important that you and your sister are able to talk about all aspects of the donation and what it means to both of you.  Do you have the type of relationship where you can be completely honest about your feelings and expectations?  They did require a meeting with my sister and a psychologist and then with my sister and MH & me.  (Actually, her husband had to talk to the psychologist as well!)  If you are concerned that this may be something your sister would back out on, maybe you could just schedule a meeting with the psychologist prior to any testing to ensure that this is something your sister is committed to.

    Is your sister aware of what it would entail to be a donor?  I ask b/c at the time my sister donated, she had two young children at home (age 4 and 2).  It worked out for us b/c her kids were young enough where she could commit to the cycle and her kids did not miss anything significant (school, etc.)  I think had her children been older, it may have been more difficult for her to commit so much time to the cycle.

    Good luck in your decision!  If you ever have any questions about using a known (sister) donor, please feel free to PM me.

    *P/SAIFW* TTC since 1/08 Clomid, 2 IUIs, 4 IVFs, FET 7 losses Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I didn't go the donor path but I did have two people offer to donate eggs.  As others have said, I would just make sure that your sister and her family really understand what the process entails.  I think sometimes people offer because  they love us and want to help but have no idea what they are really offering.  IVF is not easy emotionally or physically and I would think the process of preparing to be a donor entails even more.  I agree that the first step would be to have your sister sit down with the psychologist and the doctor.  Best of luck to you and your family.
  • I'm not sure of all the things a known donor would entail. As she's your sister, do you have any reservation about raising a child that shares your sister's genetic material?  We have thought about this, too, and I always wondered if our differences could lead to differences in parenting and, thus, problems.  

    I can see that, at least as an initial matter, you might think you'll feel more connected to the baby.  I get that.  But honestly, whether it's your sister's egg or someone else's you'll have an unbreakable bond with the child -- you will be Mom.  The fact of genetics will become irrelevant.  I'm not trying to dissuade you from pursuing your sister's amazing offer, but only pointing out from my perspective that an anonymous egg donor would seem to be less complicated now and in the future.   

    Baby girl Lila born 2013.
    Baby boy Henry born 2015.
    Expecting our capstone baby (boy) early March 2018.
  • Check with your clinic regarding her age. I believe most will not cycle her for donation at age 35 - 36 (by the time you're financially prepared to cycle). So, there may be no decision to make.

    For me, I always think about the "what if it fails" first. I think I'd feel even more guilt than usual about failing with a known donor because then I'll have involved another loved one in the nitty-gritty of these torturous processes. It's bad enough feeling like my body has repeatedly let my husband down. And, because I know this, I think it would add that much more pressure to what is already a high-anxiety process. But, that's just how I think about it in the abstract, as it never really was an option for us. Good luck.

    TTC #1 since June 2010
    Me: 36, DH: 42
    Dx: DOR and MFI

    DH: low count + very low motility; hormones all normal; Sperm DNA Frag. test = poor to fair; male karyotyping normal
    Me: FSH 13.4 + AMH 0.26 + hypothyroidism; Scratch the hypothyrodism (?); Blood clotting and immune panel all negative; endometrial biopsy normal

    IVF #1 (MDLF - Jul/Aug 2011): BFN (9R, 5M, 3F with ICSI, 3dt of 1 10-cell grade 2, no frosties)
    IVF #2 (EP-antagonist - Sep/Oct 2011): BFN (6R, 4M, 3F w/ ICSI, 3dt of 1 6-cell, 1 7-cell, grade 4s, no frosties)
    DE IVF #1 (shared cycle - June 2012): c/p (6R, 6F w/ICSI, 3dt 1 8-cell grade A- and 1 7-cell grade A-; no frosties)
    DE IVF #2 (shared cycle with new donor - Nov/Dec/ 2012): - BFP!!!!! 12/14/12. U/S on 12/27 shows twins!!!!!

    SAIFW/PAIFW
  • I would have absolutely used my sister as my egg donor, but she is also a carrier for fragile X (as am I). I think it depends on your relationship - in my case I felt that having some genetic connection would be beneficial for the child as well because there would not be any wondering about who this anonyomos person was. I was not worried about any weirdness in our relationship because I felt certain my sister would in no way confuse her role with mine. As for your clinic's age requirements, I would imagine they would have more leeway for a known donor but you'd have to check. And yes, you would all have to go through the psych screening. GL!
    Dx: High FSH, stage IV endo, homozygous C677T MTHFR and PAI-1
    Early loss 10/08
    Lap 1/09
    IVF #1 "natural IVF" - 1 egg retrieved, missed m/c
    Tried several mini-stim cycles with no response
    Switched clinics - dx'd as carrier for Fragile X
    IVF #2 MDL protocol Jan/Feb converted to IUI, BFN
    IVF #2 take 2: Antagonist, one embie, BFN
    IVF #3: Antagonist, no fertilization
    One last ditch effort at OE IVF (antagonist with Clomid) cancelled
    DE cycle #1 Jan/Feb 2011, BFP, ectopic
    DE cycle #2 June/July 2011 - BFP
    10/28/11 Baby girl lost at 17 weeks due to pre-term labor. We love and miss you.
    DE cycle #3 June/July 2012 - BFP, twins, both heartbeats stopped, D&C
    2 frosties but don't know what's next
    FET Dec 2012: BFP! Praying this one sticks for the long haul!
  • We are really excited about the donation idea -- there's no way we could afford to use an anonymous donor, and we (all four of us -- MH, my sister and her H and me) have a very, very close, honest, open relationship.  My sis is my BFF and there's nobody else I could ever do this with...  so I feel confident about that.  

    I was really bummed to hear about age requirements for known donors.  Seems kind of crazy to me, but it's good to know.  And of course the screening.  I knew about it from our embryo adoption research, but forgot.  Thank you all! 

    My feet and Miss Heidi the rescue mutt!

    image

    15 treatment cycles: four early m/c
    Moving forward with domestic infant adoption!

    Home study approved 5/13, now just waiting...

  • *** Ticker Warning ** Lurker ***

    Hi, exciting to hear about this possible opportunity for you.

    How wonderful for your sister to offer!!

    Personally I have not been on the website, but other friends who used egg donation have mentioned it and I've seen it listed here before also.  I **think** but not sure ** that they have a sub-board for known donors.

     https://parentsviaeggdonation.org/index.html

    Also, is your sister aware of all the shots involved?  maybe you can have her watch a few You Tube videos so she understands what is involved with all the needles. 

    Maybe you can share your last few IVF schedules with her so she can see how intense it is to cycle, how many RE appointments to expect, etc.  Help her to understand the time committment.

     Also have you had any autoimmune testing done?  The reason I ask is because a friend of mine who has gone through 7 years of IF has a sister who volunteered to be an egg donor for her.  My friend has had autoimmune testing done and does have several issues.  Her RI said that her sister's egg would be too close biologically to her own egg and her body would most likely attack / reject her sisters egg.  My friend decided it was too risky to try with her sister's eggs.

    Agree with PP that 35 is around the cut off age for a donor, so you want to check on that with your clinic.

    I think having all 4 of you (you, your hubby, your sister, and her hubby) meet with a counselor who specializes in IF to talk about the situation before you invest any money in testing, etc. is wise.  Make sure you are all on the same page.

    TTC #1 for over 5 years - too many to count IF treatments (tried everything and anything), repeat miscarriages. Finally, Sticky Success!! B/G Twins arrived 2011. VOTE on my Name List Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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