DH's stress is stressing me out (longish)
I don't post on this board or TB at all much since having DD 3.5 months ago. She was 10 weeks early and severe IUGR weighing only 1 lb 10 oz. She has a heart defect called Tetralogy of Fallot that is actually 4 defects combined (however she only has 3 of the 4 defects, missing out one the worst 1!! yay for that!). She will have to have open heart surgery sometime. Because of the blood flow from her heart going into her lungs, it has been hard for her to things strenuous such as take a bottle and keep her temperature up out of the incubator. She has been growing, but sllllloooooowwwllllly. The cardiac docs wouldn't even consider doing the surgery until she was 4 lbs 7 oz = 2000 grams. She now weighs 4 lbs 12 oz and we are in "sufficient weight gain watch" mode with the heart doctors and the NICU. She has to put on an average of 20 grams a day each week. If not, that means all the maxed calories and maxed meds aren't helping her heart disease and she needs the surgery ASAP. I have been back to work since 4.5 weeks post-surgery so that I can make time for when she gets home either now and/or after the heart surgery.
My issue (ha, I have many but I will just throw this one out for now) is DH. He has been stressing and freaking out about her having surgery and really everything else DD/NICU/health related. He takes his stress physically. His back locks up, his shoulders hurt so much that he can't move, knees go insane, vomits. He is a normal whiney man when he is sick/laid up usually but lately has been over the top. For the last 2 months, he misses work 1 day every other week. Sometimes he gets there and has to be sent home. They are very understanding right now but how long can you push it? He does attempt to make the time up another day so I am no longer trying to scrounge up enough to pay bills. I just feel that I have enough stress on my plate (one being that we also have a 15 yr old neice who lives with us, good kid though, but requires time, money, rides, etc). I don't need to be worrying about whether you are going to keep your job! I want to tell him to suck it up! Find a way to move past it! He does have a documented bulging disc in his back and had surgery on his knees in high school. I know he is hurting physically and emotionally and we talk all this NICU crap out all the time. Sometimes we disagree and we have issues but he just freaks out at the thought of her having open heart surgery. I just want him to man up and I don't know how to tell him without humiliating him, pissing him off or stressing us both out more.
Congratulations if you have made it this far. I have lurked/stalked many of you and your posts and value your opinion. Um, and yes, you can tell me I am being a heartless ball buster.
Jenn
Re: DH's stress is stressing me out (longish)
I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. T&P that your DD gets the surgery she needs to grow up healthy and strong.
When C was in the NICU after he was born, DH wouldn't eat due to stress. He lost about 15lb in a week, and he doesn't have much extra to begin with. I was ready to kill him because I couldn't worry about C, DH and myself all at the same time. I can't even imagine dealing with your own worries and your DH's stress/anxiety on top of it.
Would he consider seeing a therapist/talking to someone at your church if you belong to one? It sounds like he needs a new outlet for his stress, especially if it's manifesting itself physically. Also, going to his GP might help to talk about medication options to help manage the physical symptoms.
Good luck. And we're always here to listen if you need an outlet.
I'm sorry, that seems like so much to deal with. It sounds like it's time for him to speak with someone and maybe get some medication to help with what I see (in my totally unprofessional opinion) as depression.
Telling him to get over it isn't going to help, and I'm sure you know that. I think that explaining to him how much you need him to be strong with you, and that you care about him and you want him to get help will be more effective. Maybe offer to go to counselling with him. Going with him might help you both learn how to discuss these stresfull and scary things together.